"I´m not having a baby"-shower (rant)

[StorkStalker]

Hi.. I hope everyone is having a not so hard time coping with the holiday season.. this one has specially been hard for me...
After a lot of pondering over spending Xmas by ourselves, of course the season and everything won over me and we decided to spend the holidays with my side of the family overseas.. I´m excited to see my parents & sister, and my Dog who is getting old and I love.. but my extended family not so much... I was thrilled to see some of my friends & their kids too.. but I promised my self no bumps... so yesterday I received an email from a friend who is throwing another friend her baby shower for baby #4 (3 whole pregnancies while we´ve been trying)... and I politely replied her telling her I´m not into baby showers right now (this particular friend knows somewhat about our struggle, at least how long it has been if not all the details) and that I would send her an envelope (they are asking for money since they have everything for boys and girls already)... And then, my friend replies to me, telling me that I shouldn´t be that bitter, that I barely get to see all my friends together and that this baby shower should be a nice opportunity, AND: That I should be careful to not be joyful about other people´s pregnancies, because if I keep the attitude when and if I get my baby no one will be happy for me and/or throw me a baby shower!!!!!!! WTH!!! I was expecting some understanding, but I forgot these people have never had to struggle with this... and instead I got a backlash... It brought me to tears.. Believe me, I couldn´t care less for a babyshower when (and if as she said not very politely) my time comes... but I care for a little compassion and understanding.. My God... And it also got me thinking on how many babyshowers I have gone to, and how many baby stuff I´ve had to buy (wishing they were for us) and how much I´ve struggled with my feelings... and I thought how come no one ever throws me a "No Baby" shower... ha.. maybe I should invent one, and then send invitations and ask people to come join me and give me presents and/or money because I don´t seem to be able to have a baby... (money for IVF ha)... Then what?? And trust me, this is not over the fact of presents/money or anything materialistic, I don´t care for their help or presents, but how would they react, will they validate my "special situation", will they feel my grief like I am supposed to feel their joy (4 times!!)??

Rant Over.. I don´t really want a party or presents or whatever obviously... But I felt really hurt and I think if someone deserves that people care about our feelings is us...

 

[_Nell]

((hugs))
Your friend is right, you shouldn't be bitter, because you (we all!) should be pregnant and not have to go through these awful feelings.
But you are bitter and you have every right to be, I don't think any woman who hasn't reached that point of infertility understands tbh it's so easy to say ' perk yourelf up' or words to those effect but some days it's so hard to do.

When I was younger i used to joke that if i was single in my late 30's I would have an ' i'm not getting married party' white dress, cake the works just no groom.
Now i'm the only one without children and I might just have the 'i have no children party' instead- somewhere hot, exotic and adults only

 

[cooch]

Tell her to go f*ck herself! How dare she, I'm so mad she said that to you. I would never speak to her again. She knows better because of your situation. And for heavens sake baby no 4- if she has everything already don't bother throwing her the shower.

You have to put yourself first x

 

[StorkStalker]

Dear Cooch and _Nell.. Thank you!! I needed to vent so much.. I wish I had the guts to tell people to f**k themselves.. I´m getting there though.. Had this been before I would´ve gone to the bbyshower out of guilt... I´m learning to put myself first... If I don´t take my feelings seriously why would anybody else?? Big hug and thanx!!

 

[cooch]

TBH I probably wouldn't say it to someone either. Its what we say in private though! I would just stay clear. A real friend wouldn't have said that and she should be heavily apologising xx

 

[NavyWife84]

Cooch took the words right out my mouth...what a B-word!!! And a shower for baby number 4? I thought it was bad enough to have a shower for baby number 2, especially if the baby is hte same gender as the first one! My dad always grumbles every time there is a baby shower and we spend all this money on other people's babies about how the original reason for baby showers was to exchange things that women no longer need for their own babies...not to buy new expensive things. They were meant for helping each other out and passing on helpful things that were no longer needed. Not to spend insane amounts of money! If this girl has enough money to have a fourth child, she certainly doesn't need a baby shower.

And after being told what your friend said to you, I don't think I would talk to her anymore. I recently cut out a "friend" who, since I have been friends with her, has caused me more sadness than happiness. I just couldn't take it anymore, especially since she has been completely insensitive to my infertility. Although I am a little sad about losing a long time friend, I feel so much better now. I feel as if a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't have to feel sad and get depressed for days after I talk to this friend because I don't have to deal with her anymore! I'm not saying to completely cut out you friend, but I would definitely distance myself if I were you.

 

[wonderstars]

A shower for baby #4 and asking for money?! Wow. That takes a lot of balls to ask for that. How about diapers? Clothes? Pacifiers? New bottles? New bibs?

Yeah, that would qualify as being taken off the friends list. Last thing anyone needs is insensitivity...and I think one incident can really reflect what that person is like in other aspects of their life.

 

[ANC]

I know exactly what you mean. I get so mad but I have to say to myself 'They do NOT get it". I avoid babyshowers. I avoid pregnant friends. Maybe that makes me a bad person but at the end of the day, I have to preserve what little sanity I have. It's more important that you stay in a good place mentally than to be there for someone that has a million people being happy for her already. She'll be there when you can handle it.

I just had to deal with seeing a friend's baby, and I didn't want to, but we have been friends forever, so it was something I felt I had to do. It was SO HARD. And all my family could say was "Oh, stop being bitter, you'll be mad when people don't want to look at your baby if you don't see their babies". So very similar.

I REFUSE to be guilted into doing something that will make me cry and hurt me. Just getting through the day is painful enough. In the end, I chose me.

No one really asks us how we are. No one sees this as being a big deal, except other people that are trying. Thank goodness for the Internet and boards like this!

 

[Armywife84]

With 4 children, she needs more baby items? Ha, they're probably asking for money since they can hardly support the 3 they already have. I wouldn't send a cent, let alone attend. She's not even your friend.

As far as your friend goes, if I could I'd tell her to piss off for you. How dare she write a snarky retort like that! Who does she think she is? Oh yeah, fertile .

IF ONLY those fertile wenches could trade places with us deal with the doctor appointments, grief, anxiety, depression, MF, and overall infertility. They wouldn't last a week. Then they would be more sensitive to our feelings.

I don't expect people to walk on eggshells, but have some FECKING compassion!!

 

[StorkStalker]

Navywife84 you are right!! I am just beginning to cut off these kind of friends too.. It´s very hard for me because "it is not nice", but people don´t mind not being nice to us... so why should we?? But I must accept I am a guilter (is there a verb for giving in to guilty feelings?) and infertility is teaching me to use NO and WONT the hard way.. Wonderstars I too feel that babyshower for baby #4 is too much, but it seems that it would be sad for this baby not to have babyshower pictures, yeah right... ANC I can´t believe you too got told something like that!! People are insensitive and cruel.. I am soo grateful for this place to exist otherwise I would be crazy depressed (well, more than normal) and worse of all alone in this world with my feelings... Armywife I think exactly the same, had these people had to deal with just a year of this, they would be running like headless hens .. And of course drawing all the attention to them as they do with their increasingly growing families... and yes, asking for money... tacky and blunt.. I was going to send the envelope in... but now that money will go into a piggy bank for if and when I have a baby, or IVF or whatever come the time, if I begin doing that for every babyshower, birthday and baptism I will be saving very often ... I am so grateful that this forum exists... No doubt only LTTC understand LTTCs... Big hug and big thankyou to all!! I learn so much from you and feel so much stronger (towards people) than I was when I was trying to deal with this on my own... Lots of baby dust to all...

 

[Ame]

Cooch took the words out of my mouth as well. I have had to let go of some "friends" during this journey. You don't need the added stress and if she really cares about you she wouldn't be such a B!*#H. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[cooch]

Its so sad that we lose friends. I was just thinking this the other day. But if you really think about it our (me and my friends) lives are completely different and we're going through different things. Whether or not someone intends to hurt you is not the issue. I have dropped one and looks like another, although she was a lot more sensitive. I just can't bear to be around happy or complaining pregnant women. I really don't think I could face their babies either. xx