I am about to destroy my life......again....

[parisa]

Oh my God! I don't know where to start. I confided in my husband about something that i have done 12 years ago......way before I even met him.
It is not something that I am proud of (don't worry, not prostitution).
However, my hubby is my soul-mate...so I thought. So, I wanted him to know everything that there is to know about me. So, now he just told me that he can not handle the news that I gave him, and that I ama whore and that he is done. He told me: if it weren't for the baby, u would not be here right now. And he said that starting tomorrow, he is leaving.
Is this what I get for being honest?
That is not the worst part. I used to be sucha heavy cocaine snorter.
I am 5 months pregnant and becuz of the love I have for my baby, I have quit cold turkey. I wanted to completely change my life around. I wanted a descent family. I am in so much apin right now and I have no one. I am terrified and scared of what tomorrow will bring. I am really considering using a few lines. I really need it.......I know I shouldn't.......but......
What is the worst that could happen?
No hate mail, I am already feeling suicidal.

 

[lady_p]

Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time

Sometimes people react strongly to a situation and calm down with time.

If you are feeling suicidal please go and see your GP I am recieving treatment for depression from my GP and they have been great.

I am not being judgemental and trying not to be patronising but before considering taking cocaine just remember the love you have for your unborn child that gave you the strength to quit in the first place who knows what damage that could do I dont think you want that I get the feeling you just had to vent.

Hope things sort themselves out hun and we are always here to talk to if you need an impartial ear to talk to x

 

[Reedy]

I am 5 months pregnant and becuz of the love I have for my baby, I have quit cold turkey. I wanted to completely change my life around. I wanted a descent family. What is the worst that could happen?.

I'm so sorry your having to go through this right now & I really dont know what to say to make you think twice about using cocaine.
You say you love your child so much & how you want a family, this should be enough to stop you. Your baby is the innocent party in all of this, dont put your child's life at risk because of what your going through it isnt their fault.
You really need to seek help NOW, please dont leave it. Taking coke might make you feel better for now but it will make you feel a million times worse after. I'm taking it you have been coke free for 5 months? If you have thats something to be proud of, dont let this ruin the hard work you have done to get your life on track.
Call a helpline & speak to them.
Without knowing what you did 12 years ago I cant comment on your patrners reaction but understand if you dont want to post it here.

With the right help & support you can get through this.

 

[mama2connor]

Please don't turn back to the cocain. You say whats the worst thing that can happen, but let me tell you...You're baby could become addicted to it and need extra care when born, or you could end up with a stillborn baby...Do you really want to risk that happening to you're baby? I'm not having a go at you, but if you really want this baby you need to put the baby first and think what is best for him/her. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, don't you have a doctor, or councellor you can speak to about how you're feeling?...Family, or friends? I hope you manage to sort things with your partner.

 

[Groovychick]

First and foremost, I commend you for having the courage to be honest with your partner. I can't imagine it was in any way easy. Your OH reaction is mostly likely due to shock. Imagine thinking the person you thought you knew suddenly letting you in on their deepest, darkest secret. Not only would it be painful but they may also feel betrayed. Allow your OH time to breathe and come to his senses before approaching him again. He needs time to reflect and mull over the situation.

And please for the sake of your baby don't revert to your old, destructive ways. It may make you feel good temporarily but the overwhelming guilt at the possible harm to your baby will be far greater. If you are struggling to cope, seek professional help immediately.

 

[mommy43]

good for u for being honest
what u did before u met is the past everyone has one n most have done things they are not proud of its what u plan to do in the future that matters
u can still have your happy family with or with out ur partner if u dont use again please dont destroy that take one day at a time look back on each day n look how well u have done get help from ur gp thats a huge step to take but will help sooo much
good luck hun n remember it not just ur life u need to worry bout do the best for ur lo like i know u can (n i know that coz it took guts to write that post)

 

[parisa]

Hello, I am sorry that i won't be writing each one of u a thak you message, however this message is for every single lady that did respond to my thread:
I love u ladies with all my heart. You have all given me amazing advice.
To answer a few questions: I have been clean for five months straight. I do struggle each and every day, however, a couple of days ago, I was on the verge of giving up.
My whole life came down on me, and I just did not see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yesterday, I went to the bank and withdrawed $200. Then for a split second, I decided to come home and check my e-mails. Thank God for ur e-mails ......it is only becuz of u lovely ladies that I am still clean as can be. It is becuz of u guys that my baby is still super healthy. No words can ever describe what u have all done for my life and my family. This afternoon, I went back to the bank and deposited the cash.
I don't really have any good quality people in my life. My mom is too old and has her own problems, and my friends are apparently my friends only when they need money or groceries......so sad! Now I am bawling, the thought of being this lonely just breaks and shatters my heart. However, I am so glad that at least I have one thing to look forward to......my baby.
My husband aint talkin to me, and when i went to sit next to him this evening, he told me to move away. I moved away and have not been able to stop crying. I am so hurt and lonely. My family doc is an asshole, it even scares me to even talk with him. He is super moody and yesterday he was in a nasty mood. Sometimes, he is so screwed up that when I ask him questions, he gives one word answers, and does not explain things properly. Anyways, I am on bed rest becuz of low placenta and I had some leakage of amniotic fluid at 4 months. it has been 20 days since we have moved away from our home town, I am now an hour away from mom, dad, sis and everybody else. I was foced to quit the job that I just adored.......becuz of being too far, and now I cant work anyways becuz of bedrest. So all this is not making it any easier for me.
Ladies, anytime that I feel like using, I will come back here and re-read ur messages.
I really won't use, and I promise that to God, myself and baby. I can't use......
Thank you so very much. Love u all for saving my life and baby's.

 

[mommy43]

just a quick tip ive used for depression find something u really like wether it something to do a fave song or a book passage poem or a photo somnething that will bring u a good memory when u feel low use it i use a song it it works

 

[lady_p]

You should be so proud of yourself for keeping strong

 

[Reedy]

So glad the messages of support helped you when you needed it x Thats what we're all here for x If ever you want to chat, just send me a pm x
I wish you all the best for your bright future with your baby xxxx

 

[Sapphire909]

That is so amazing that you resisted the urge, you should be so proud of yourself, please stay strong! Post on here as many times as you need, we will all be here to support you no matter what. As far as your husband goes, if he can't accept whatever it is that was done so many years ago, well you were just being honest, whats done is done. Just for now concentrate on yourself and that little baby inside you. You will make it through this, you have already demonstrated your immense strength. You are stronger than you think and you can pull through this. If counselling is available I would recommend that as well. As for a light at the end of the tunnel... there is one. Wait for that moment when your baby is born and you hold him/her and know that its because of you he/she is healthy. Because of your good choices your baby will be happy and healthy and you will have all the strength you need to start a new life with your little one.

 

[parisa]

Saphorre909: Oh my goodness! You are truly so sweet, and u have a way with ur words, they just made me cry. I do wish i had more people as sweet as u and the ladies whom have replied in my life.
I do wish I could go for counselling, but I have tried a few places, and it aint cheap.
Even if I was not an addict, I still badly need counselling becuz there are a lot of underlying problems from my childhood that have not been resolved.
My life is affected each and everyday from it. As i grew up, I watched my dad physically abuse my mom each and everyday and then me and my sis. When I say physical abuse, it would be things like pushing tweezers into the palm of my hand and making a hole, or beating me with a belt. He has Obsessive compusilve disorder and if I was to fall down, and I would cry, instead of comforting me, he would beat me so much 'becuz i had got myself dirty'. Now i am just bawling thinking about it!
There is not a day that I don't think about one of the episodes......
He also has Bi-polar and brain imbalance. He never got help for it.
Anyways, my loser of mom stayed and stayed with him, and basically fucked up mine and sister's lives.
As for my hubby, yep, looks like I will be a single mom. To be honest, I have such a storn urge to use each and every day.....however I still have not. And I truly pray to GOD that he helps me make the right desicions for my baby and me. I have found out the sex, and it is a boy. However, being a single mom never even occured to me, I am terrified and scared. I have nothing and my husband claims that everything we owned together is his. To be honest, I feel so weak and down that I think i will let him have his way...I don't know.
Okay, I gotta go wipe my tears now!
Thank you so much for being so sweet!
Love u all!
Parisa

 

[Digby]

I think you are a wonderful person and I think you will be strong. Well, I think you have been amazingly strong already. Temptation into destructive habits is soo hard. I know it's not quite the same but even now I am still so tempted to smoke. I won't and I haven't and I know I won't, but the desire to do so is still really sucky. Every minute, every hour that you resist doing something you know you shouldn't you are adding to the amazingness that is you. Temptation is so hard. You're human. If it was easy, there wouldn't be a single addict in the world.

You are a strong person and you CAN do this.

 

[parisa]

Digby, thank you so much. i thank God for u ladies...ur all so amazing.
My soon to be ex-husband was a smoker and I know how hard smoking is as well.
Any kind of habit that is not healthy is a hell to break! Good for u for quitting. You are super strong urself as well. Everytime that u wanna light up, think about ur life and how u don't want to end up getting sick (cancer) God forbid. I lost three aunts to cancer in a matter of six months.....I was soo close to them, after their death my addiction became worse.
You have no idea how much ur words meant to me. To be honest, I have always thought of myself as this pathetic, weak looser who needs drugs to make it.
But ur right, any minute that i don't use, I am adding strenth ont o myself! Thanks for maing me feel better, I really needed it!

 

[6lilpigs]

Just read this and I hope you are ok. I'm shocked he behaved like this but just want to add 'what a prick!' as if he has nothing he wishes you would never find out. I learnt the hard way that if my DH don't know, don't tell him!! Just keep your mind on that little baby and when baby turns your life will become 1000 times brighter I can promise you Do yourself a favor, get yourself a clean break from this idiot, leave the area because once he gets attached to LO he will spend the next 30 years punishing you at every corner with hints or dropping your 'awful?' news to LO. At the end of the day theres a hell of alot worse things going on as 'the norm' these days than there was in my hayday 15 years ago, so even if he did let it out he most probably will not get the reaction he was hoping for!

 

[parisa]

Well, I am gonna tell u what it was that I told him: I starred in 1 porn. One only.
This was about 12 years ago and I never even knew him.
My hubby came home one day and said to me: did ur sis ever star in a porn? Well, u should seen my color change. I am surprised that I did not miscarry. Then he said: someone told me that ur sis had starred in a porn about 10-12 years ago. The porn made it big to Blockkbuster, and Rogers vidoes and it was all over, with videos being sold at video stores all over Vancouver, then when she found out, she freaked out and went and bought every single video that ever existed.
So, my sis is already preggers and is suffering a major depression . She also has an idot for a husband and him and my hubby are quite close. I knew that one day my hubby may tell her husband that: hey, ur wife has played in a porn. And that would just destroy her life. And her hubby believes everything. You know very well, that if it was anyone else, they may have said: either no, she never starred in anything, or yes it was her. However, I did star, and that was me. Everybody mistakes my sis for me, we look like twins. I first said: I have no idea what ur talkin about. Thenafter thinking about it for two days I sat him down and said: I am ur wife and I rather that u know everything about me. That was me and not my sis. It was a long time ago, I am not proud of it, I am mortified and I don't know what I waws thinking. However, everybody makes mistakes and I am not that girl anymore.
Ladies, I am not making excuses for playing in a porn. However, at that point in my life, I did not see another way out. My dad left us when I turned 13. He had just moved us to Canada. my mom was an at home stay mom. My sis was younger. I should also mention that my mom is a much, much older mom, She was not able to work. my dad left and said he would send us money, but he never did, instead he re-married.
I remember that my mom would sleep on an empty stomach and my sis would wear the same clothes all the time at school and kids were making fun of her. The worst scenario that I remember is whe I went to see her at school one day and I caught her going through garbage bins, looking for a sandwich to eat. When I went to high school, we never took lunch with us, so I would always wait for kids to go into classes, so I could dig into garbage bins to find uneaten sandwiches. But that day when i caught my sis doing it, It made me go crazy. This was my baby sis! I9 forgot to mention that at 22 years old, I was working three jobs, and my late night job consisted of me picking up dirty and bloody syringes that were underneath tables at this really nasty diner. The I would clean toilets. I did not have a car, and at 3am when my shift would end, I would walk about 9 km to get home. Before my three jobs, I was going to college, until mom said: u need to quit college for now and help with our living, i cannot feed u or clothe u or even pay for rent. At that point, I was already working part-time and paying fr my own clothes and things, but never rent, or hydron, cable and stuff....At 22 years of age, I was responsible for three people. Nowadays 22 years olds cannot even afford rent. They even have two roommates. But I held three jobs cuz I would do anything for my mom and sis. They only had me. I am so sorry about this long story ladies....
So to make a long story short, I wasw offered a porn, Keep in mind I was promised that this porn would be for Japan. How was I to know it would make it into Rogers video???
I am not making excuses for what I did, but being put in the position to be the breadwinner of three people did force me into it. I had no other option at that time.
I regret my decision , but we would have been on the streets if I had not done what I did. By the way, since mom did not speak a word of enlgish, we were not aware of welfare, anr anything that we coulda gotten help with.
Anyways, here I am now and my hubby has made decision that I ma a whore and he cannot be with me. Oh well, I loved my family and I did what I HAD TO DO,
I thought that prob most of u wer wondering what i told my hubby? well, that was it!

 

[parisa]

6lilpigs: thank you so much. I wish I had not told him, and ur smart, I guess what he don't know cannot hurt him. I tried the honesty thing and i guess it did nto work for me,
I did right in detail what I told my hubby. Last week, I cannot remember what I said, he snapped at me so much and called me every name in the book: I am a whore, a prostitue, I am not worth it, I a a slut and if it were not for the baby, I would be dead right now. he kept telling me how he wants to spit on me.
Anyways, I did end up taking off that night and yes.....I slept on the street outside my house. i have never ever slept on the street. I was sooo hurt. It waw raining and I was ina t-shirt, I am surprised that I did not miscarry. I was terrified that someone is gonna come up from behind me and stab me or something.
Anyways, I just leaned myself again a coffee shop and sar there until morning time,
I am not a junkie and I have never in my life slept on the streets, my worst nightmare came to life that night. i was basically homeless. I am an educated woman, i am an Early Chilhood Educator and a Montessori preschool teacher. What went wrong with my life? My hubby and I were so happy together, I cannot believe that I went and destroyed my life with one sentence. He says that he can never forgive me,, ever and that he hates me. So, I know that doin porn was nasty idea, but liek u said, I am sure he has done things he does not want me to know about......everybody makes mistakes.
Do you think he is right to be this upset as to leave me and not forgive me???
I said to him: I don't owe anybody an apology. i disrespected myself by doing porn, and if I was to apologize to anybody, it shoudl only be to myself, What do u think????

 

[6lilpigs]

Parisa, I'm flying through atm but will be on tomorrow to rant away with you ok

 

[Pandora11]

You should speak to a professional about the drugs, i don't think going cold turkey with any kind of addiction is adviced.
After time, maybe your husband will come around, and you can work through it. i would be might pissed off if my husband kept something big from me and off loaded some random time in our marriage. I'm not being funnny but you say you wanted to be honest with him yet you let him marry you without knowing the whole truth about you and it's something that is clearly significant to upset him.
Don't do anything stupid, even if you don't always care about yourself, care about your baby and take it one day at a time. Remember, there are always people there to listen.

It's not about you apologising to him or about mistakes - when you fall in love with someone and choose to share your life with them it's at the point where you think you know them inside out, you trust them and have a unqiue bond. I think you can disagree on many things in life and have a lasting, loving relationship BUT, when it comes to morals, it's a whole different story. That's what think the real problem is, he can't get his head around the fact that the person he loves and knows, would do something he doesn't agree with. He probably feels very betrayed and lost. I couldn't be with someone who stole, broke the law, hurt people (the list goes on) because i think you have to be on the same page morally. just something to think about...

 

[6lilpigs]

I have a bit more time now and wanted to send you a decent reply Firstly your a flamin hero for looking after your family like that! No wonder your life took a turn for drugs as it did. The film was a regrettable means to an end, and ffs! we are now living in the times of youtube and everyone owning a video camera, so interesting films are rapidly becoming the norm! Home movies being posted for spite everywhere (cough, cough Britney!).

Now to the future?? Your husband?? What to do?
Has he mellowed at all? If not then its time to cut ties I think. You then have to get yourself mentally into a place to let yourself get over the effects of the shadow of the film. Your husband might try and keep using it against you so make sure your prepared to put on your hardest badass face and say 'Oh so what!, get over it! what the F would you have done in my position?, you know what you would have done? F all because your just a pathetic little Puss-puss from your golden boy background with mummy and daddy wiping your ass still. Join the real world, theres no such thing as a virgin bride anymore! we all have skeletons!!' Then when he replies throw in a few 'Whatevers!!!' and walk off. Maybe followed by a comment of 'It just goes to show the difference between you and me doesn't it, you quit at the 1st sign of discomfort, yet I'll take care of my family no F'ing matter what! Off you go little puss back to your mama!!'

Sorry if my reply reads a bit offensive to anyone, I just hate the power people take over others mistakes!

And quickly, I can promise you that the over whelming brightness your child is going to bring into your life will by far outweigh any unhappiness that you may go through over the next few months, so just keep looking ahead ok!