I am about to destroy my life......again....

[xSin]

Parisa,

First of all I am hoping that since you last posted in this thread, that things have begun to get a little bit better for you... I'll keep you in my thoughts, we could all use a little more positive energy right?

A few things for you to consider...

-- It takes strength to quit drugs as addictive as cocaine, and I commend you for that
-- It takes strength to share what you did with your husband. Don't take his inability to handle the truth upon yourself as fault... you were honest with him and so you should be proud of that.

As far as the adult industry goes, as someone who has had some experience with it (my ex-husband was a content editor and I did some webmastering myself as well for a while) I am sorry to hear that your experience was less than positive. Personally I don't think that you disrespected yourself by doing what you did. What you did 12 years ago wasn't easy, isn't easy and it took great courage. I can see how it would be easy to look at the present situation and harbor regrets however I think it would be healthier for you to focus on the positive.

12 years ago what you did was for unselfish reasons and it ultimately helped you & your family through a difficult time.
Nudity and sexuality are things that in mainstream society are considered "taboo" to some extent on every level. When people find out that I've done webmastering and had involvement with the adult industry myself, I commonly get asked "Have you no shame???" The human body is beautiful, and capable of so many great things (Just look at your ability to overcome your addiction for instance!) and no individual out there should EVER be ashamed of either their own bodies, or someone elses. Its far too common to look at other people and think "ew gross what was she/he thinking?" but the time that I spent in the adult industry I learned to celebrate other people's confidence and comfort with their own bodies.

Don't have shame for what you did, either 12 years ago when you did it, or recently for letting your husband know. Focus on the courage and strength you have shown throughout your life (both then and now) and celebrate the fact that you aren't afraid of being open and honest with yourself, or with others.

 

[Madgirl]

I hope your are doing okay!

 

[Sapphire909]

Hope you post soon and let us know how you are doing. So you made a mistake. No one is perfect. From all the things you described you were in a really tough and horrible situation and sometimes a person feels desperate. In all honesty I could see your husband being hot for a little while because he didnt know from the beginning (although really I can't blame you there either cause its not something I'd want to tell either), but for better or for worse, he should have first not called you those names, and also been open to talking through it as you are married and you are carrying his child. Talking about spitting in your face is totally unacceptable and saying if you werent pregnant you would be dead that is horrible!! I hope things are going better for you. Hugs to you

 

[Torsornin]

*hugs*

 

[MommaAlexis]

I decided you may also relate to my story. It's in my past now and I'm stronger because of it, but my life has been a roller coaster. I'm Alex. 19 years old. And a soon to be single mom as well! So here goes.

Spoiler

My mom grew up in a rich family, my dad was one of the poorest kids in school. he drove a motorcycle, and my mom drove...for straight As, that is. So, as cliche as it is with every movie, the rich girl and bad boy start dating. My mom got pregnant at 18 with my older sister, Kayla. She didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labour because of the stress from them fighting so much, she chalked her missed periods off to stress. My sister was premature and my mom barely gained anything at all during her pregnancy. (Which meant she also was drinking throughout) A few years later my dad got addicted to alcohol. He was gone a lot of the time and I don't remember my parents much as I didn't leave my room if I could help it. After a couple stints in rehab, and screaming matches 24/7 between my parents my mum finally left him. He was supremely emotionally abusive, and so was she by that point. They just couldn't function normally anymore. At this point I was about 13-14. They were extremely closed minded, and paranoid. They would listen to every phone conversation I had, and put keyloggers on all our computers. To let you know how bad it is, it's been ten years and I'm still iffy about writing this because my dad gave me this computer and I'm worried he's still recording me. If we left the house to go to a friend's house they would sit outside the house until we came home. My dad read my diary every day and we were not allowed to close our doors other then to get changed. I locked my door once in my life and my dad broke my door down. after some time my dad was diagnosed with being Bipolar as well. My mom and him split on my birthday, and I went from being watched every second of the day, to sitting in the house with my sister after my parents were gone for over a week, with no food and no hot water. We both got full time jobs at this point, I was 15, she was 16. She was already working part time so bumped up her hours. As soon as we both had jobs my mom would come home and kick us out. She would just walk in one day randomly screaming what are you doing in my house? you don't live here! Even if it was 2am in minus 40 celcius winter. We just put on our coats and left. One day my sister was 17 and my mom grabbed her and tried to shove her in her room and lock her in. My mom is smaller then us, and my sister had finally had enough. She punched her and kicked her in the stomach and ran. I hid in my room for a while but then my mom came into my room yelling at me that I didn't stop my sister. I realized where this was all going. It was dangerous territory. But I was done too. I yelled that she deserved it and started packing a bag. My mom called my dad and told him everything that happened. By this point my dad was off his medication and heavely using drugs. He was utterly insane. And he was on his way to our house. My mom left after calling him because she didn't want to be there when he got there. I packed as fast as I could, realizing I would probably never be back. As I was running out the door in a snow storm my dad pulled in the driveway. I ran through the house and jumped our fence, locking every door between us. I hid in a snow bank every time he drove past me. I went to my friend's house who I hadn't talked to in a year, he didn't have internet, phone, radio, but he knew my family. He pushed me inside and locked the deadbolt. I layed low for a week then started working again. I lived off and on the street for a while, and often slept in my manager's van in behind work or at a coworker's house until I got my apartement at 16. Through this all I never touched a drop of anything. Not one smoke, or drink, or hit. But I was heavely addicted to cutting by then. i had started cutting in grade 8, and couldn't function through a school day without a razor at school. I would cut between classes, lunch breaks, and go to the washroom during class to do it. I was entirely depressed and tried to kill myself. I was a virgin before, but I used sex to escape. Every night I would have a guy or girl over. I was seeing a very abusive boyfriend. Eventually I met joel. He was a very nice guy, a few years older then me. (I was 17, he was 23) His girlfriend had just left him, he had a five month old daughter. i moved in with him and quit cutting finally. Sometimes we couldn't do it, we just argued so much. Other days we could. We got engaged about a year ago. He was still very patient with me and knew my life had been pretty insane. Then we moved away from our hometown and got an apartement 9 hours away. We decided to start trying to conceive our first LO together. The day of the ultrasound he accused me of cheating and walked out on me. just like that. Everything gone in an instant. I was bad, I was a whore when I was young. I know that. But I have NEVER cheated on anyone. EVER. So it's been three weeks since he left me alone in that restaurant, homeless and a single mom. Every day, I find it unbearable not being able to cut. I want to so badly at times, it's like an itch that never goes away. I can't even look at anything sharp right now. But because of my weakened immune system and the stress it puts on my body, it could seriously harm my baby. So here I am at 19. 5 years ago I had a mom, dad, sister, roof over my head and a family dog. I went to catholic school, never swore and was home for supper every night. My dad is now clean, and went back to school. My mom's still a little unstable and can't really function in a social environment, but she's doing better. My sister graduated college as a graphic designer and is living in her home in Alberta. This is our lives, I sleep with guys and girls, I'm SO in love with my best friend who cheated on me 1000s of times, but she has been with me through thick and thin. She may be a bad girlfriend, but the amount of good she's done outweighs the bad. I take my life one step at a time, and remember one thing. We're going to be okay.

What you did may not have been right as far as his morals are concerned, but you made the decision and it's in your past.

 

[Torsornin]

*hugs* and *strength*

 

[6lilpigs]

I decided you may also relate to my story. It's in my past now and I'm stronger because of it, but my life has been a roller coaster. I'm Alex. 19 years old. And a soon to be single mom as well! So here goes.

Spoiler

My mom grew up in a rich family, my dad was one of the poorest kids in school. he drove a motorcycle, and my mom drove...for straight As, that is. So, as cliche as it is with every movie, the rich girl and bad boy start dating. My mom got pregnant at 18 with my older sister, Kayla. She didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labour because of the stress from them fighting so much, she chalked her missed periods off to stress. My sister was premature and my mom barely gained anything at all during her pregnancy. (Which meant she also was drinking throughout) A few years later my dad got addicted to alcohol. He was gone a lot of the time and I don't remember my parents much as I didn't leave my room if I could help it. After a couple stints in rehab, and screaming matches 24/7 between my parents my mum finally left him. He was supremely emotionally abusive, and so was she by that point. They just couldn't function normally anymore. At this point I was about 13-14. They were extremely closed minded, and paranoid. They would listen to every phone conversation I had, and put keyloggers on all our computers. To let you know how bad it is, it's been ten years and I'm still iffy about writing this because my dad gave me this computer and I'm worried he's still recording me. If we left the house to go to a friend's house they would sit outside the house until we came home. My dad read my diary every day and we were not allowed to close our doors other then to get changed. I locked my door once in my life and my dad broke my door down. after some time my dad was diagnosed with being Bipolar as well. My mom and him split on my birthday, and I went from being watched every second of the day, to sitting in the house with my sister after my parents were gone for over a week, with no food and no hot water. We both got full time jobs at this point, I was 15, she was 16. She was already working part time so bumped up her hours. As soon as we both had jobs my mom would come home and kick us out. She would just walk in one day randomly screaming what are you doing in my house? you don't live here! Even if it was 2am in minus 40 celcius winter. We just put on our coats and left. One day my sister was 17 and my mom grabbed her and tried to shove her in her room and lock her in. My mom is smaller then us, and my sister had finally had enough. She punched her and kicked her in the stomach and ran. I hid in my room for a while but then my mom came into my room yelling at me that I didn't stop my sister. I realized where this was all going. It was dangerous territory. But I was done too. I yelled that she deserved it and started packing a bag. My mom called my dad and told him everything that happened. By this point my dad was off his medication and heavely using drugs. He was utterly insane. And he was on his way to our house. My mom left after calling him because she didn't want to be there when he got there. I packed as fast as I could, realizing I would probably never be back. As I was running out the door in a snow storm my dad pulled in the driveway. I ran through the house and jumped our fence, locking every door between us. I hid in a snow bank every time he drove past me. I went to my friend's house who I hadn't talked to in a year, he didn't have internet, phone, radio, but he knew my family. He pushed me inside and locked the deadbolt. I layed low for a week then started working again. I lived off and on the street for a while, and often slept in my manager's van in behind work or at a coworker's house until I got my apartement at 16. Through this all I never touched a drop of anything. Not one smoke, or drink, or hit. But I was heavely addicted to cutting by then. i had started cutting in grade 8, and couldn't function through a school day without a razor at school. I would cut between classes, lunch breaks, and go to the washroom during class to do it. I was entirely depressed and tried to kill myself. I was a virgin before, but I used sex to escape. Every night I would have a guy or girl over. I was seeing a very abusive boyfriend. Eventually I met joel. He was a very nice guy, a few years older then me. (I was 17, he was 23) His girlfriend had just left him, he had a five month old daughter. i moved in with him and quit cutting finally. Sometimes we couldn't do it, we just argued so much. Other days we could. We got engaged about a year ago. He was still very patient with me and knew my life had been pretty insane. Then we moved away from our hometown and got an apartement 9 hours away. We decided to start trying to conceive our first LO together. The day of the ultrasound he accused me of cheating and walked out on me. just like that. Everything gone in an instant. I was bad, I was a whore when I was young. I know that. But I have NEVER cheated on anyone. EVER. So it's been three weeks since he left me alone in that restaurant, homeless and a single mom. Every day, I find it unbearable not being able to cut. I want to so badly at times, it's like an itch that never goes away. I can't even look at anything sharp right now. But because of my weakened immune system and the stress it puts on my body, it could seriously harm my baby. So here I am at 19. 5 years ago I had a mom, dad, sister, roof over my head and a family dog. I went to catholic school, never swore and was home for supper every night. My dad is now clean, and went back to school. My mom's still a little unstable and can't really function in a social environment, but she's doing better. My sister graduated college as a graphic designer and is living in her home in Alberta. This is our lives, I sleep with guys and girls, I'm SO in love with my best friend who cheated on me 1000s of times, but she has been with me through thick and thin. She may be a bad girlfriend, but the amount of good she's done outweighs the bad. I take my life one step at a time, and remember one thing. We're going to be okay.

What you did may not have been right as far as his morals are concerned, but you made the decision and it's in your past.

Bless you aswell Alexis Keep going everyday as you are, and again I promise that when you get your little one as if the you see the sun coming out for the 1st time on a brand new day. So hang on ladies ok!!!

 

[MommaAlexis]

Here's a song that will cheer you up!
Clicky

It's about love, but not specifically romantic love as you'll see in the video!

You have to watch it on Youtube, there's a link that'll take you there.