I am already having troubles with MIL. Am I being silly?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - First Trimester' started by mommydreamer, Mar 31, 2011.

  1. mommydreamer

    mommydreamer Well-Known Member

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    Well, my first ultrasound is tomorrow. On the first ultrasound, my midwife gives a vaginal exam and a vaginal ultrasound. I specifically told my DH and MIL two weeks ago when I scheduled the appointment that no one but him and me were going since its so personal. I told my mother the same thing. This morning my DH calls me and asks me if its okay if she comes?! The day before?

    That's not all either. I'm in the process of completing my degree and I have a full time job. Well, my MIL and my mother both offered to babysit the child everyday while I finish my degree and school. I GREATLY appreciate this, I really do, but my advisor actually helped me get into online classes the whole first year, that way, I wouldn't have to be away from my child ALL day everyday. I told my DH this and instead of being happy he seemed disappointed and said his mom WANTED to watch the baby all day. No, no, no. Nothing would break my heart more than to be away from child that many hours a day. There is also the case where they expect the baby to go to their church and their bible study every Wednesday and Sunday. Personally, I wanted to choose my own church. I don't know. Am I just be hormonal or would you ladies be upset too? If I do have a right to be upset, what should I do? It seems like my DH agrees with everything his mother says. Ah!
     
  2. giggly_gurl88

    giggly_gurl88 Well-Known Member

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    You are sooo right to be upset. I would be upset. This is not their child, so it is not their decisions and of course DH is going to agree with HIS mother but you need to put your foot down now before they take over!!
     
  3. mommydreamer

    mommydreamer Well-Known Member

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    Thank you sweetie! I was worried I was being out of line. My DH is such a mama's boy it sickens me. :wacko: I'm just really nice and its so hard for me to be assertive. I'll try my best though! Thanks again!
     
  4. giggly_gurl88

    giggly_gurl88 Well-Known Member

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    My DH is a mama's boy too, cant stand it. Every little suggestion that his mommy makes goes. They have decided how the house is going to be redone, without me, and since mommy and daddy are paying for it I have no say so!! And DH has been having a lot of DR appts lately for some testing and I havent been able to go because his mom sends his dad with him so they know exactly what is going on. It sure is not a good feeling to be left out!
     
  5. aley28

    aley28 2 boys & a girl <3

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    You need to stand up for yourself against your MIL now, or its going to be too easy for her to walk all over you! I didn't stand up for what I wanted from the very beginning, and I've been struggling to regain my footing since then!

    Put your foot down and say, "No! It is far too personal and intrusive, and I just want it to be my husband there! There will be other ultrasounds, you can probably come to one of those."

    Besides... the very first time you get to see your child, I think it should be one of those very special moments that ONLY you and your husband get. Its not her child, its YOURS, and its OK to make sure that she knows that! I'm sure your doc will give you some prints that you can show her afterwards.:flower:
     
  6. letia659

    letia659 mom to Jacob and Zander!

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    I've never had anyone other than my DH and son at any of my ultrasounds and only my mom went with me to some of my appts with my first son since my DH was working on the road and couldn't be there and my inlaws only showed up after I had my first son and didn't see our second son until we went to their house I don't get why the grandparents think they get to be there for all that kind of stuff :shrug: anyway like others said put your foot down now so your MIL knows she wont be able to push you around you are the mother and what you want goes :)
     
  7. andella95

    andella95 Well-Known Member

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    MIL at an ultrasound is weird. Mine will NEVER be invited. EVER.

    This is your baby, not hers, and it sounds like maybe she might have some boundary issues. It's going to be tough, but stand your ground and make sure she knows that while she's appreciated, you're the mommy.
     
  8. mommydreamer

    mommydreamer Well-Known Member

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    I know, even my FIL told her that she needed to remember she wasn't the mother. If her husband even has to remind her, I'm a little worried!
     
  9. xChezx

    xChezx Well-Known Member

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    I agree with all the other girls she's out of line. I'm actually upset for you! Stand your ground put hubby in his place and his mother. This is your baby and you decide where it goes and where it doesn't, you've done a great thing getting stuff worked around it. Its your experience to enjoy not hers and as for the scan would I heck allow her. Don't be bullied hun :hugs:
     
  10. SoyLatte

    SoyLatte Well-Known Member

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    Nope.

    She is not allowed to bully you into doing it her way. This is your body and your baby and your new family. Not hers. Stand your ground and make a point to let your doctor know how you feel about it just in case she finds out where the appointment is and tries to just show up. The medical staff won't let her in without your permission.
     
  11. SamsMommy

    SamsMommy Well-Known Member

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    Atleast she wants to be involved. I'd love it if my MIL would just call me back and show some interest in her granddaughter.
     
  12. sunshine623

    sunshine623 Well-Known Member

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    I love my MIL and she's great but that's where I had to put my foot down, too. I'm too nice sometimes, too, so when she got all sad and acted hurt, I reminded her that I wasn't letting MY mom in there, either. I told her my mom would stress me out too bad, so I couldn't have either of them in the room during u/s appointments or delivery. My mom respects boundaries more, so she has no problem with letting it be just me and my DH. Maybe this kinda strategy could help you, too??? Good luck with her, and keep your boundaries up where you want them!
     
  13. flashy09

    flashy09 Well-Known Member

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    Just wanted to say I am in Kentucky too!
     
  14. mommydreamer

    mommydreamer Well-Known Member

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    Thanks girl! I'm going to take everyone's advice and put my foot down now. I suppose having a backbone will important from here on out! And Flashy that's great! I live in Lexington at the moment. :)
     
  15. stucky

    stucky Active Member

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    Yeah, I would be upset too. MIL will never see me that up close and personal lol. (My mom will be lucky to see me that way! I only want DH around for that stuff.) I like my MIL a lot, but she is SO OVERPROTECTIVE of my 3 year old stepson. It's annoying. He has grown over 2 inches in the past year (DH is very tall.. lol) and the other day, she came to pick him up to spend the day with him, and the first thing she says is "Oh Jude, you feel so light!" Like I'm not feeding him! The kid eats more than me, and I'm 12 weeks pregnant! He's getting taller, so of course he looks skinnier! He's losing his baby fat! I think it's just MIL's trying to be like, "Well I'm experienced.." I understand that, but have some boundaries and respect..
     
  16. Mrs_A

    Mrs_A Well-Known Member

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    I think you have a definite right to feel like you do! This is YOUR baby not hers, don't let anyone force you to do anything that you don't want to - this is all about you and your DH & family should respect your feelings & decisions. Stay strong and make sure you get everything that you want from this experience xxx
     
  17. tweedy

    tweedy Well-Known Member

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    i would start small, let her know you are not comfortable with her being at the appointment due to the nature of the exam, and tell her perhaps later on down the line. i would leave the big stuff like churches and babysitting till later, as it'll not be an issue for a while and no point alienating her at this stage. in my experience, men are very protective of their mothers, as they are such a big part of their lives, my oh only developed a back bone about his mum when he became a dad and realised that i need him to support me and our family and mil was secondary, ever since his mum has stepped into line and we've have no problems, no point making your pregnancy a battle zone before you need to.

    good luck with the appointment and try to enjoy it regardless of all the fuss.
     
  18. girl19722

    girl19722 Well-Known Member

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    You need to put your foot down and start as you mean to go on by putting you DH and baby first. I didn't with my DS and I felt like I had to share him with the family, esp MIL, as she was so excited and I regret not putting us first. She'd come round the house with no warning, walk straight in and be there for hours, she'd come in the evenings and disrupt his rountine, constantly telling me what I was doing wrong and what I should be doing, it was a nightmare. When I did put my foot down it led to a massive disagreement with her which I think would have been avoided had I set really clear boundaries from day 1.

    Good luck!
     
  19. Robyn321

    Robyn321 Well-Known Member

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    My dh is very close to his mother too, but I just had to put my foot down over things like the house etc in the past - she used to turn up without warning and stay for days which drove me crazy - and in the end I just had to tell dh that it's our house and while I love my mil I just do things differently to her. Once dh saw how much it was bothering me he had a chat with his mother (better coming from him than me) and sorted things out.

    Now that I'm having her first grandchild I am worried that she's going to get so excited that she'll drive me nuts all over again. Luckily I can talk to my mum about it and I've already enlisted her to come and help me in the first few months after baby is born, partly to keep mil at bay! I feel a bit bad but I know I do things very differently to her and the last thing I'm going to need is arguments and getting upset.

    So start making boundaries clear now - like not coming to the vaginal u/s (!) - and hopefully it'll make things easier when it comes to other things like church etc.
     
  20. BeckyBoo

    BeckyBoo Mum to 2

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    I'm sorry, but it sounds like to me that you're not going to comprimise anything so that MIL can see the wee one aswell... Sadly you will find out with children that family are every important and that not everything will go your way completely. You shouldn't shoot yourself in the foot as one day you may really appreciate the help.
     

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