I am already having troubles with MIL. Am I being silly?

[Jenine]

I have a similar situation where DH is a mummys boy, but MIL is a still playing mummy like he's 5 years old too, (he's an only child) and we live right next door because we all live up at the family farm, so I really have to just stand my ground, even if DH thinks I'm being a bitch sometimes, I know that if I don't put my foot down at the start I'll regret it.

Just the other day MIL was round and DH said, have we finished with those pregnancy books, we could let my mum borrow them? In front of her I just laughed and said, errm well I'm still in the first trimester, I don't think I will have finished with them for a long time yet and by the way, I'm the one who is pregnant, not your mum! I just smiled sweetly at her!

Honestly you should have a word with her on your own and just say, "Look I hope you don't mind, but this is a really private, intimate and special moment for me and DH and I'd really like it to just be the two of us, we will bring you a photo afterwards and tell you all about it."

You will feel so much better and will be able to approach situations like this better in the future where she is concerned. Also if you want to be the one to look after your baby - don't let anyone else tell you that you have to do any different, no matter what - IT'S YOUR BABY! xx

 

[Jenine]

i would start small, let her know you are not comfortable with her being at the appointment due to the nature of the exam, and tell her perhaps later on down the line. i would leave the big stuff like churches and babysitting till later, as it'll not be an issue for a while and no point alienating her at this stage. in my experience, men are very protective of their mothers, as they are such a big part of their lives, my oh only developed a back bone about his mum when he became a dad and realised that i need him to support me and our family and mil was secondary, ever since his mum has stepped into line and we've have no problems, no point making your pregnancy a battle zone before you need to.

good luck with the appointment and try to enjoy it regardless of all the fuss.

Tweedy - just interested, as you may be able to help mommydreamer and myself out here ... when you said your oh developed a backbone and started to put you first instead of his mum when he became a dad, does this mean you already have children?

This is my first and I am kind of hoping this will happen in my relationship too as I'm sick of him being so over protective with MIL and not really being too concerned about my feeling half of the time!

Maybe there is hope for us all with mummys boys!?

 

[morasmum]

I agree with everybody else in here. It is your baby, your way.

She did it her way with her baby. Be polite but firm, you will find the same situation in the future many many time and you want her to know that you can not be bullied

 

[stouffer]

Just tell her that since it's an internal you don't want her to be there as you'd be embarrassed. I mean you wouldn't expect to go along to someone's pap smear would you?! Maybe you can smooth things out by offering her a copy of the scan pic so she still feels involved.

It sounds to me like she's just a bit over zealous and hasn't really considered what's actually involved.

The other issues may sort themselves out so I wouldn't mention them at this stage, especially the baby sitting issue. If you decide to breastfed you won't be away from the baby anyway so she won't need to be there.

 

[DMG83]

I totally agree, and whilst family ARE important, telling MIL that she can't come and watch you have a vaginal ultrasound really isn't being rude or disregarding the family connection - to be honest I find it shocking that she even asked to come - it's beyond bizarre. MIL will not be coming to any of our u/s's - they are for DH and I to bond with the baby. DH is a momma's boy but even he thinks this is a strange request! It is not her baby, it is yours, and you are well within your rights to put your foot down.

I won't be having MIL/FIL at the birth either - or even at the hospital afterwards DH doesn't really have a problem with this - he understands that certain things are private and whilst grandparents will have integral part of our childs life, they will not run it and ours or be at events that are not for their eyes

So unless I am kept in hospital for a week, first visit will be at their house when we decide to go visit. Until then DH and I will be bonding with baby having privacy is not cutting off family, and if they have respect for you and DH they will understand this. I mean seriously, would MIL have you go watch her have an intimate examination!?

 

[nickyXjayno]

What is it with men and mummies?

Put your foot down it's your kid.

If she wants to have the kid on a sunday, wednesday and babysit all day when your at school she will be seeing the kid more than you!
First few years are so precious and so much happens, first smile, walk, word etc.
I've watched my sis in law miss out on all that as her family took over, it's awful and she's is a shell.

I don't see why you should feel guilty about wanting to spend all your time with your baby and have private examinations with out mil.
I don't see why mils have to have the babies on their own anyway!

 

[DMG83]

I don't see why mils have to have the babies on their own anyway!

TOTALLY agree with you!!!! We will go visit, they can come visit (pre-arranged) but not leaving the baby with them - DH said they won't respect our wishes anyway and since FIL insists on bullying our dogs whenever they come to visit to "show them who's boss" he's not getting his hands on our LO to do the same - it's not his house, they're not his dogs, he's not the boss. It's not his baby, it's not his rules, he's not trampling all over our way of life.

Hoping that they will come to realise that actions have consequences and until they start treating us with respect I'm afraid that they're just causing problems for themselves with LO when (s)he comes into the world

 

[wishing4baby3]

i totally agree too,my mil was exactly the same with my daughter as she had had 4 boys and always wanted a girl,she neva seemed bothered at first but the moment the 20wk scan came and we were told she was a girl it kicked in,she would tell me how i should bring her up,asked to be there when i gave birth and alot of other thing too,well i said no to the birth because my mum was with me and my daughters dad and ur only allowed 2 birthing partners so the moment i gave birth she was there,she took her off me for over an hour and when i asked to have her bk so i could change and feed her she told me no she would do it,she fed her water not milk as well,then when she was a few weeks old i was making her a feed and id left her in the frontroom in her pushchair when i came bk she was gone,my mil decided she would take her out for an hour without telling me and had no phone so i was in a panic so by the time she got bk i was in tears and so was my daughter because her feed was over an hour late,at that moment i snapped and when telling her to step bk because she is my daughter she responed no she is mine so thats where i realised she had issues,you have to learn to stick up for yourself when having your own baby so why not start now,good luck hun and hope all goes well ,also ive left my daughters dad and now have a little boy with my oh and preg again and this time my mil is loverly x x x