I can only be so strong...

[xZoeyx]

I'm going to keep this as short as poss cos the full story would seriously take 3 or 4 pages alone.

In a nutshell - 6 and a half years of extreme happiness and extreme sadness.
I suffer with depression and anxiety (on a more serious level rather than daily bias stuff) and have been a panic attack suffer from the age of 10. I had an extremely difficult upbringing and although I don't solely blame that for my attitude and personality, I feel it plays a huge part.

I am typing this now because I'm sat in my car on the side of my local airport (only a tiny airport surrounded by fields), resisting the urge to cry because that's just not me.
I'm the one everyone looks up to and says how the f*ck are you still standing, your one of the strongest people I know.
But there comes a time when you realise being strong isn't all it's cracked up to be because when you do finally breakdown, it's a full on breakdown.

I have nearly left my partner several times, due to his inability to grow up and be responsible. He has a job, works very hard and has a car, but that's as far as his responsibilities go whereas I have always been very very independent.

In May this year I went away for 2 weeks to stay with a friend which for me was a first as I haven't been able to stay away from home without my partner since the first time he stays over because of my panic attacks. I vowed I would leave him at the end of the 2 weeks because we just didn't want the same things. I want to start a family and grow up and be in the real world, he wanted to wait until forever and never start being a little bit responsible.

Amongst many other reasons, I told him it was it, and that even though I had said this several times before, I meant it this time. And he realised I was serious and he made ALOT of promises and these were not things he has ever promised or done before. And then I couldn't believe my eyes, he was sending me texts saying he was ready to start a family and that he is now 26 so it's time. I checked with him thousands of times to
Make sure he wasn't saying these things just to get me back and he assured me it was because he realised after not seeing me for 2 weeks just how much he loved me and would never want anyone else.

Well now he never talks about the baby, never shows interest, won't come to any scans, won't help me clean, change cat litter tray or wash up, and the reason I'm typing this tonight? He won't tell his mum I'm pregnant. I'm 17 weeks tomorrow and she is still none the wiser.

Is he ashamed? I don't know but what I do know is I can't take this anymore. I'm feeling suicidal again and I feel like I'm trapped.
I want to climb into a hole and never be seen again :,(

 

[Nats21]

Hun I'd go and stay with your friend again if I were you. It sounds like everything he said to you wasnt true at all. I'd get an appointment with your doctor and discuss your feelings with him/her, don't keep it bottled up. Maybe you could write everything down that you want to say to your OH and send it in a letter, see what he has to say to it all. Huge hun xxxx

 

[PierceWife]

I don't have a lot of words of wisdom but I am so sorry you are going through this.. Please def feel free to PM or many of the women on here to help you through.

Maybe also post in https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/home-life-relationships/ for additional support.

Breathe and know that child needs you. I hope he comes around for you and your child.

 

[xZoeyx]

My friend (my only real one) is 4 hours away. I have 2 cats that without me will have no one to look after them as I don't trust him too anymore.

I think I too believe now that everything he promises was because he believed it himself but unfortunately failed to follow through because leopards really don't change their sports.

I am someone who takes care of everyone else, I take my problems and everyone else's and carry them around, for once, I really need someone to take care of me and I guess that just isn't him

 

[Minnie Mummy]

Sorry to hear your feeling like this. You have so much to look forward to with your new baby. Is there anywhere you could get support? How about your midwife in the first instance? I'm sure all your hormones are probably making you feel worse.
I would say men have a funny way of dealing with things. Even although my 3 babies were planned it still took a long time for my DH to get his head round things. Are you able to sit down and talk to him and let him know that you would like to tell his mum and discuss when and how you could do this.
Give it time I'm sure things will improve. SEnding you big hugs.

 

[randomrach]

Oh hunny I'm so sorry!

I know with you being pregnant this is not the best time for you to take a break but is there anywhere you can go for a couple of weeks where you feel happy and relaxed? Sounds like you need it and he needs a reality check. If I'm honest my partner does not pay a whole lot of attention to the fact I'm pregnant but he did during my first. He would never refuse to do something that was not meant to be done during pregnancy - changing cat litter or heavy lifting. I don't know if this makes any difference to you but if your cat is an indoor the likelihood of catching toxoplasmosis is very small as it is a disease spread by small animals (rodents, birds etc) nevertheless I still haven't been doing it.

At 17 weeks in a man's view its still very early days in alot of cases so that is maybe why he hasn't told his mum yet, personally I think he should grow a pair. You probably need to put it all on the table and telling him how you're feeling because it's extremely unfair on you to be feeling like this, especially given your mental health - it's something he should be thinking more about and be extra cautious of during your pregnancy.

I hope you work it out and if you do feel happier to separate for a little while you should consider it.

 

[xZoeyx]

He isn't the sit down talk type. I've tried all that and he sits there in silence and only time he does talk is to accuse me of wanting to instigate an argument by talking :/

As for telling his Mum, I asked him to tell her weeks ago and he has been biding for time for ages so I gave him an ultimatum of this weekend or that's it. And typically enough he still hasn't told her....

Thanks tho, I know men can all act differently and take things completely different to is but I personally think he's just taking the p***

 

[xZoeyx]

I've nowhere to go that's the killer. I can't afford to drive 4 hours away to my only friend.

I just want someone to talk and feel like I have no one.

 

[AC1987]

It SUCKS having an unsupporting partner my dh denied me being pregnant for WEEKS. He wouldn't tell his family and didn't want me telling a soul, it was eating me up inside. I finally just told his family and let him know I was so he wouldn't say I was going behind his back, and what a RELIEF it was to tell them So maybe you could let him know you're going to tell his mom?
And yeah my DH doesn't cater to me being pregnant, he just tells me to stop being lazy

 

[rosepetals36]

I would seriously go round and tell his mum, and then its up to him if it splits you up, he may just be scared to tell her, after all she is going to be a grandma and should be sharing this exciting time with you both and if he really wants this then it wont cause any problems xx

 

[xxenigmaxx]

We are expecting our third, and my husband is the best Dad I could have ever asked for. However, he doesn't pay too much attention to the baby while I am pregnant either. He is not one to get all excited over my big pregnant belly, but once the baby is born (well, it still takes him a few months to bond), he is the greatest, most loving Dad. I think guys just don't get as sentimental during pregnancy as we do. Women get to carry their babies, and literally breath, eat and live for their babies. We feel them move, and we feel them grow. Men don't experience that, and don't feel the same level of excitement we do, and that is ok. I think they feel like a Dad once they see the baby, and take care of the baby. Most women feel like a mom the moment they find out they are pregnant. I am sorry you are sad. Just remember this little life growing inside you needs you, and loves you already! Please see if there is any free counseling you can go to through a local church, or even through your insurance just so you have someone to talk to. You are NOT alone. There are probably more people going through a similar situation to you than you realize.

 

[amytrisha]

STOP concentrating on other people, now is the time you can concentrate on your own feelings
I really do feel for you, tbh I dont understand his behaviour one bit. Your carrying his child, this should be the happiest time for both of you and without a doubt he should be helping you in anyway he can. Is he scared? Does he not feel ready?

I agree with PP, tell him your not waiting til your in labour for his mum to find out and explain if he doesn't wanna tell her then you are gonna do. You shouldn't have to hide it, pregnancy is a blessing!

It's not like your baby was a surprise, he said he was ready - that was his choice

Id send him a big long text, asking him what his problem is.

You do have people to talk to, if you need a friend to rant at there's plenty of us on here - heck I spend most my life on BnB so my inbox is always available

I hope you sort things out lovely xxx

 

[amytrisha]

I hope my comment doesn't sound harsh, my OH also doesn't feel too involved because he can't feel movement so he says its kinda still not real to him, but not wanting to attend scans or keeping it secret I just don't understand xx

 

[xZoeyx]

Sorry girls been driving round in endless circles listening to my music full blast, strangely relaxing.

I thought about telling her myself but in all fairness I just don't have the guts too as we don't talk, not because we don't like each other, purely because we've never really needed too!

He is now telling me he doesn't want to lose me and saying "can I stop it". It's like stop what? Stop being upset because your an ass hole and I don't agree with what your doing? I don't think it's that easy!

Thanks everyone for your replies x

 

[FeistyMom]

Big *hugs* to you, and kudos to reaching out for help; I know how hard that itself can be.

No one can really know what your OH is thinking, so stick to your own gut. Give yourself time to relax and decompress and let all that suppressed emotion come out. Some men really don't get pregnancy at all, especially if they have never been around pregnancy so not-so-gentle reminders of what can happen can be useful too, if the bigger issues of him not communicating get worked through. My OH actually became a bit too stifling when he read some statistics and realized all of the physical risks a woman takes on while pregnant.

If you have a 20 week/anatomy scan scheduled, try making it not optional. Maybe stretch the truth a little and tell him he has to drive or something (no reason to specify that he has to drive because you want him to drive versus a medical reason! Besides, mental health is equally important, right?) Seeing the ultraound live, and being able to feel and later see the baby moving, can also trigger some realizations for daddies-to-be. Some may end up fairly disengaged until the actual birth too - you never really know for sure until you put them in the situation how they are going to react.

Whatever happens with your OH, you DO have a support network. Your friend may be several hours away, but you also have the message boards for morale support.

Good luck and lots of positive thoughts and prayers headed your way!!!

 

[RebeccaM.]

I am sorry your going through this, I completely understand how helpless you feel. I could write pages about my 1st pregnancy and how F*ckin miserable we were "me and my unborn child" because literally you are having pain and being protective over you both. But fast forward through douche bagville we FINALLY got on the right track and for me it started with a little speech or letter (which ever works best for you)


Every sentence I started by saying... IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME
..you would know how pissed I am to get me to this point...if you really knew me then you would know how long I've lived in my mind with this situation long before I ever expected you to come in and fix this with me...if you really knew me you would know I fix EVERYTHING on my own because I don't ask for help...if you really knew me you would know that the only reason I am giving you any opportunity to fix this is because my child deserves 2 parents that love her and if you want to still be a candidate you would know I am about to move on and create a stable, loving, nurturing home that will have a happy family...you may not be it for me or the baby either...because if you really knew me you would know I have a breaking point and your maxed OUT...if you really knew me you would fix this because you would know I waiting for you to be the man I fell in love with. If you really knew me you would see my pain, feel my pain, and need to make me smile. If you really knew me then you would know the hardest part of my life is saving my final goodbyes and ours is right around the corner.. If you really knew me you wouldn't want to meet the protective mama bear in me because I will not let you hurt our child throw me...or is the real problem that you really don't know me??

 

[Blessedbaby]

I have no advice but just wanted to offer a

 

[amazed]

Massive hugs I would tell his mum yourself x

 

[PugLuvAh]

No real advice other than you deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you.

I told myself this 100 times a day for almost a year before I was ready to leave my last significant relationship. I would rather be happy alone than sad and alone with someone who didn't really want me, even though he said he did. His actions showed me he didn't; but it took me awhile to get to a place where I was ready (emotionally/financially/etc) to make the break and be ok with moving forward without him.

When you are ready, you'll find the strength to do whats best for you, baby (and cats), wither its to stay with him or go it alone. Its not always an easy decision and it doesn't always happen overnight.

 

[Lyana]

so sorry to hear this. I can't speak for all men because they're all different but I know my dh was over the moon and even though I asked him not to tell people because I was only 6 weeks along he went and told everyone!
I was mad at first but now I'm happy he was at least excited. So it seems weird to me that he doesn't want his mom to know. But there could be a million reasons, without knowing him or his mom I can't really say.
So I can't be more help just wanted to add my support.