I don't understand my midwife's logic

[Carlee]

Well he then said he wanted to do a paternity test once the baby is born and as hurtful as that is, I went and found a non-invasive prenatal paternity test and sent him the info saying "let's do this now!"
That was yesterday evening and since then not a word, he's blocked my calls and blocked me on Messenger too.

 

[happycupcake]

Did he date other women when you split up? Even if he didn't it doesn't matter, if you're not together then you have every right to see someone else! That absolutely doesn't mean the baby isn't his though. I don't understand it really, if he's genuinely concerned ok, do a test and show him he's wrong, but leave you over this? What is he going to do when it comes back saying the baby is his? He would have broken your trust and security for nothing

 

[Carlee]

He claims he didn't, but he has spent so little time with me I don't know.
As for the dna test, I want it asap but he's not answering me. I think it's because he knows he's wrong and that the test will prove it. He always goes silent when he knows he's wrong.

 

[happycupcake]

Perhaps instead of being silent he should be apologising

 

[Carlee]

I agree!

 

[happycupcake]

He would be crazy to throw everything away on this

 

[Brightxeyes]

Maybe as well, he's just in a bit of shock, and reacting silly. Was he mentally ready for a baby do you think? Could he also be feeling a bit nervous about being a Dad too?
So then he's used this as an excuse to be like 'oh well it might not be my baby!'

It's not a good excuse of course, and he should be very apologetic about his behaviour.

He is being incredibly childish by blocking you, and whatever happens, you can do this. You are going to be a wonderful mother. The scan is two days away right? Did you say 15th March? Not long to wait now! Maybe he will feel a little more confident once the dates are confirmed anyway?

 

[Carlee]

I am starting to question his sanity. He changed so quickly. One day all was going well, then suddenly he was barely talking to me for 2 days, then he was gone.

 

[Carlee]

Yes he already has 2 daughters aged 11 and 9 who live with their mum and he does do all he can for them.
And yeah the scan is thursday morning and I'm crossing my fingers and toes that when he sees the pics he will become more rational.

 

[happycupcake]

It kind of sounds like someone has said something to put doubt in his mind? Could this be the case? Sometimes some people can be so jealous of other people's lives and successes and happiness, perhaps someone said something and this is why the random change in his attitude and behaviour

 

[Carlee]

I honnestly don't know. He spends a lot of time on the phone to friends, family and colleagues so I suppose it's possible. I just wish he'd be rational and reasonable for once and talk this through like and adult instead of putting me through all this.

 

[Carlee]

So I just got back from my scan and I am extremely shaken up. Visibility was poor but the technician says I am 9 weeks pregnant and the only thing wrong was that the sac is not well attached to my uterus.
I'm ashamed to say it but this must mean that my "husband" was right.
He left me whilst I was sleeping on december 16th and left the country. He left me without a word and with some serious financial problems of his making. I tried to reason with him for weeks but to no avail.
On january 25th I did have a regrettable fling but we did use protection and so I thought I could just erase it from my mind. I have never done such a thing before but the guy was cute and kept pestering me and I felt so alone and worthless that I gave in. I know that's not an excuse.
Words cannot express just how ashamed I am.

 

[6lilpigs]

Well he sounds like a bit of an idiot anyway for leaving you all the way he did! Maybe this baby is a way for you to have a complete split. Sorry it wasnt the sca result you were hoping for but this baby will be a blessing to you and your children x

 

[happycupcake]

Ok, so what does that mean, sac not well attached? Is this a wait and see scenario, or will things be fine?
I'm sorry that the dates don't work out to be your husband's but I have to agree with the previous poster. I know it sounds harsh, but he has treated you like shit! Whether or not he had doubts isn't the point, he should have talked it through with you like an adult as you say. He can't just up and leave at the drop of a hat whenever things get tough, so perhaps you are best off without him. You need stability, not this.
Please bear in mind though that even at this point, sometimes dates can be off, so it may be worth waiting until a little later to really confirm dates.

Also, please don't beat yourself up about having had a fling with someone. Your husband LEFT you, without any warning! Anyone would feel the same, you tried to talk to him but HE refused. Eventually you sought comfort and human connection elsewhere, which is natural. When something distressing happens, you want human contact. You're not a terrible person and you shouldn't be ashamed, you did what many would have done in the same situation

 

[Brightxeyes]

Woah, don't you dare say you're ashamed! Your husband left you. In the middle of the bloody night. I would do the exact same thing, no regrets. Hell, I have done that. Never be ashamed!
Your husband cannot expect you to sit around moping, waiting for him, after he's buggered off. Doesn't matter if it's a few weeks or a few days. He buggered off so what the hell does he expect?!
Screw him. You sound far too lovely and he sounds like a bum hole who doesn't deserve you. You should not be ashamed of your actions. We all have regrettable flings, I like to think of them as learning curves.

I can understand your shock about the other guy being the father. These things can happen, maybe the condom tore a little without being noticed etc That can't be helped. You were being sensible.

Are you having a follow up scan? I hope all goes well for you and we're all here to listen if you need to talk.

 

[Dreamer429]

Echoing the above - You did NOTHING wrong. He left you - he left the country - you are a human and humans need comfort and connection. He sounds volatile, I also think you should see this as an opportunity to have a clean break and move on with your life. You have been given a beautiful gift and this babe needs his/her momma to be strong, happy, healthy and brave.

Do not feel ashamed. You have all of our support throughout this.