I dont want IVF

[Yammas]

Hi ladies

Sorry for spamming the board but I really need to vent. OH is due to go for his second SA in october and after the results of the first one we were told that his results were soo low that our only option to conceive was IV, as youd expect he got really upset about it as he 'didnt realise it was that bad' despite being told previously by our GP when she referred us that his results were abnormal. Since then he has done NOTHING to try and improve his lifestyle and even admitted that he was 'just waiting for IVF' for us to have a child.

I am beyond livid he knows that I dont want to go through IVF and I severely doubt he even understands what the process entails which is why I was hoping that hed try to change now so we could at least try IUI. I dont see why I should have to put my body through all that if he cant even be bothered to try and thats not including the fact that wed have to wait 3 years and it may not even work

Am I being unreasonable??? Im trying not to get into the blame game with him but I really dont want to mess with my body in that way I made that mistake before with contraception and even now 2 years later my cycles still arent 100% regular like they were so can only imagine the effects that IVF drugs would have if they even work. If hed at least try then maybe id feel different but right now id rather adopt if we cant conceive naturally.

I know im jumping the gun a little but I just wondered if any of you had some useful advice

 

[Missus_L]

Have you spoken to him about it all? Have you gone through the process on what is involved and what he would need to do to prepare for it? Do you think he is secretly heart broke and doesn't know what else to do? Could he be scared of changing things as he feels like he is a failure and he's given into this? He may feel all of the above. I know when I was told it was me, I have felt and still feel all of the above plus more (including the thought of my DH leaving me for someone who is fertile) and this has drove me to having a nervous breakdown due to it. If you want something so much then you would do anything to get it right?

You need to have a relaxing night in, food, wine and a discussion to let him know how you feel and how he feels too. If this is your only option then you need to work together and see if you can change that.

 

[Melbram]

HI sorry to hear you are having a bad time

I have just been though my first round of IVF which unfortunately was unsuccesful - we have male problem also. OH was heart broken and found the whole thing hard to take in. ONce the fertility specialist told him to start taking Vit C, E and Zinc he started staright away and also changed his diet with me when we were in the preparing for IVF stages.

It is a huge thing to start thinking about because you never expect to have to go through it. You should sit down and talk it through with him - its difficult for both of you but you need to support him and let him know although its male fertility its a joint issue you are in it together so you shouldnt blame each other in any way and likewise you both need to put just as much effort in going forward with IVF x

Hope you work things out x

PS: depsite my IVF being unsuccesful it wasnt as bad as I thought and my periods havent changed at all x

 

[Yammas]

Thank you both for your kind words.

We discussed it when we were waiting for our first referral hut he just brushed it off I know his ego definately took a blow when we found out but I just dont understand why if hes as desperate as he says to have a child why he doesnt try I dont expect him to be perfect but at least some effort on his part would make me feel reassured that its not just me that wants this.

I just want to make sure we explore other options first but he seems to already have his mind set like its a done deal. As much as Id love to have children with him I really would rather adopt as long as their loved what difference does it make where they come from???

ETA; OH has it in his mind that IVF will work and there is no probability in his mind of it failing I dont want to crush him by being all negative but he just assumes that its a miracle cure that will work no matter what. Your very lucky that your OH is soo supportive its good to know that your periods havent changed hopefully if we do cross that bridge it wont be as bad as I fear.

 

[tlm]

Yammas, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Everything we put ourselves through to have a child is stressful! I am in my tww of my first ivf round now, we just had our transfer today. We don't have male factor issues but I have endo and fibroids.

My dh is not perfect by any means and I know this process is tough on him in different ways. Ivf is not a guarantee of a baby / pregnancy. Your husband needs to be aware of the emotional tole that ivf will take on you and him. He will have to administer all of the shots to you! I know that alone has been a tough pill to swallow for my dh. He has a very positive outlook on the situation and cracks jokes, but it breaks his heart to have to watch me be poked and prodded! We reached this treatment because we have tried everything else, this is our last option! It's expensive, gut wrenching, and as I said there are no guarantees. It is not something you enter into lightly!

I hope you hubby comes around and is more understanding! Men are funny sometimes, they go through this process differently than us girls do! Good luck!!

 

[Yammas]

I think its the fact that Im fine thats is stressing me out more than anything because if I was the one with issues although Im very grateful Im not at least then Id be able to do something to help improve our chances and it would take the pressure off him. OH is not keen on needles at all so I dont think hell be happy to know he has to inject me I can see him turning it into the biggest drama lol.

I tried talking to him about it and he got upset but he calmed down after I explained that I wouldnt leave him if we couldnt have children (I dont even know why he thought that in the first place!!!) so were gonna talk some more over the weekend and just see how it goes.

Just throwing this out there because wed have to wait a couple years before starting IVF if we were to need it would they do another SA then or just go through with the procedure???

 

[karenh]

Why not look into adopting while waiting for IVF? If it is going to take three years why not? Good luck! I know it is hard and there is a lot of emotions flying around.

 

[Yammas]

We may do but the rules in the uk are soo stupid regarding who can and cant adopt so were not sure if wed have to go abroad and then that brings up a whole other list of problems.

 

[tlm]

They would probably do another SA. How many has he had done? And by who? They usually do more than one if the first results come back not good. And I have two friends whose dh have had it done by their regular doctor and the numbers came back horrible but when they were redone by urologist / re the numbers were way above normal. Not saying that's what will happen but...

 

[Missus_L]

Yammas, this is my thinking with my DH too. I get times where I think he will leave me. It's the feeling of being a failure and not being able to achieve what our bodies are here to complete. I feel as if I am not a real woman as I cannot conceive so I can understand how he feels, he may be thinking like me. Hope you get him thinking the right way and getting on board with everything x

 

[Sizzles]

They would probably do another SA. How many has he had done? And by who? They usually do more than one if the first results come back not good. And I have two friends whose dh have had it done by their regular doctor and the numbers came back horrible but when they were redone by urologist / re the numbers were way above normal. Not saying that's what will happen but...

For what it's worth, my OH had to do 2 SA, even though his first set were fine. The first were requested by GP and the second by the hospital (who processed the first lot any way) as procedure before embarking on IVF.

 

[Melbram]

tlm fc for a bfp!

Yammas: my OH had two SA's with GP then referrred to fertility clinic where they did another. OH also had a physical examination where a potential varicocele was found so he had to have a scan but turned out it wasnt a varicocele (varicous vain in the scrotum which keeps everything too warm and kills the sperm)

We had an option for OH and I to try Clomid for 6 months or go straight to IVF - We both agreed that the chances of anything changing with CLomid given that its a male factor problem would be slim and just a waste of 6 months so we went straight for IVF x

 

[Yammas]

@tlm - fc for you too!!! Hes gotta go for the 2nd SA in october the first test was requested by our GP so that we could be referred and this one is being done by FS although their both being done at the same place.

@Missus_L - He definately lost some male pride that day especially as his brother has super swimmers n got his wife pregnant no problem.

@Melbram - I remember reading about clomid being given to men but we havent ben offered this or even had this offered as an option it seems that they gt soo used o treating females that wen it comes to male factor thier lost.

 

[Melbram]

I think they wanted us both to use Clomid but you dont hear of it that often for males because there isnt a great deal they can do. A lot of FS' dont even believe that pre-conception or vitamins etc work for male problems but they work wonders for some x

 

[Natashaa1]

Yammas I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I guess are circumstances are slightly different as I have pcos. In the two years we have been trying to conceive I have done and tried everything possible! Low gi, lost weight, gave up caffeine/alcohol and I'm now having accupuncture. I hate the fs appointments, I hate being poked abd prodded and I'm now on round 6 of clomid and I hate the side effects. I'd say my DH probably wants kids more than I do and I want them a lot, yet he hasn't even tried to give up smoking which drives me mad. I've said I'm not going down the iui or ivf route until he stops, yet I don't think he actually believes me.

 

[Yammas]

What is it with men and smoking my OH is exactly the same this is what is annoying me so much Ive told him that smoking is most likely whats making his problem worse (if not causing it) but will he quit no even if hed at least cut down Id be happy but nothing hell have to quit eventually so I dont see why he cant start now.

 

[2have4kids]

Have you considered using donor sperm first over IVF? I know that I am the problem here in our relationship and have talked to 2 of my close gf's about this, I would ask them for their eggs if I can't grow one of my own.
The other side of the coin is that you can reassure him that you won't leave him, there is a crazy part of the human brain that gets outrageously competitive. If you're devastated that he's refusing to take supplements and improve his lifestyle, (it's the opposite of a typical positive suggestion) would you consider asking him if he'd be ok using donor sperm to save you the 3year wait & having to put your body through IVF? Please don't get offended at this suggestion, in many relationships this can cause a great deal of upset, in others, mine in particular, it would be a talking point and possibly the competitive stubborn part of my Scottish husband would want to try EVERYTHING he could do to improve his chances. So I don't believe it's right for everyone and if you think it could provide the impetus for change in a positive direction with your husband - great. But you'd have to phrase it carefully Nd lovingly for sure.

 

[Yammas]

Dont worry any and all suggestions are more than welcome here I think ive mentioned it to him before and he wasnt too happy about it (the whole male ego thing ) just because it wouldnt biologically be his hed rather make sure weve exhausted all other options first which is fair enough.

 

[Melbram]

A lot of clinics wont let you start IVF if you are a smoker - you need to show that you are at least seeking help to stop so give your OH's a kick up the back-side

 

[Yammas]

Oh how id love to Melbram!!! he wants to have kids but doesnt wanna put the work in.

We had the talk sunday night and I dont know what to think, he said that hes not determined to get me pregnant yet so he wont stop smoking until then. :facepalm: we both agreed to ttc, he always said that he was ready when I was ready and it took me a while going back n forth to decide that I was ready so I dont undrstand why hes going back on this now 18 months later.

He says he thought that we were just ntnp but we both said that if it took over a year wed go to the doctors to get help - which we are doing now - and I thought this would also mean ttc apparently not soo now Ive gotta wait for him to become determined I dont wanna be mad at him but I kinda am ive had my hopes up for over a year and baby fever like a mofo at times so its not like he couldnt tell that I wanted this, Im just soo lost why agree to go to the FS if he doesnt want to knock me up yet its not like I was forcing him it was a joint decision, hed say all this stuff about how he cant wait till we have kids and all the stuff wed do with them and happily not use anything but yet hes in two minds???

I dont get it I almost dont want to go back to FS in october because I feel like its a waste of time and doubt hell change his mind by then