I don't want my mom at the birth

[src]

My mother and I get along okay, I guess. She thinks we're a lot closer than we are. When I was growing up, I didn't require a lot of attention. I was quiet, kept to myself, didn't get into trouble. My father, on the other hand, was the source of a lot of problems. He had a lot of untreated mental issues, drug and alcohol problems, and developed heart disease when I was young as a result of his lifestyle. I was often just kind of neglected because of all the attention he demanded for himself from her. My mother doesn't seem to recall things being this way, remembers it more as an "us vs. him" thing and that was simply not the case. I've never really had the heart to tell her how things were for me in childhood, and seeing as how I'm now 32, it seems a little late to bother with.

I'm due to deliver in three weeks. I really, REALLY just want it to be my husband and I at the birth. If my mother is there, she will annoy me, and she tends to be very neurotic and superstitious, she doesn't trust doctors and I simply don't want her there making me more nervous. I'm not sure how to convey this to her, as when I say I want it to be just him and I, she says things like "we'll see about that". I'm considering not even calling her when I go into labor. We're not telling his parents until I'm out of the birthing room and they're fine and understanding of this. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but thinking about having to deal with her while I'm in labor makes me cry already. Has anyone been put into a similar situation? Any advice on how to phrase things, or should I just have my husband call when the pushing starts (or is over like we are doing with his parents) and bypass the whole mess?

 

[BunnyN]

I wanted it to be just my husband and I. My family were very understanding about it, I didn't even explain, they just took it for granted and even moved out of their house so we could have a 'home' birth at their house, which was more suitable than ours. My parents in law on the other hand didn't get it at all to start with. My MIL offered early on in the pregnancy to attend the birth instead of my OH because he'd be too squeemish. I get on really well with her but that was so out of the question I didn't know what to say! Then they said they wanted to wait outside in the car 'incase we needed something' . I would have been happy not to tell anyone until the baby was born but my husband said they would be too upset by that so he explained firmly to them that that I needed quiet and privacy so I could concentrate we told them the MW also said it would be better if there was no one else there, which helped because she was 'a professional'. They were not exactly happy but were good about it.

I do think it is really important that you are comfortable during labour and only have who you want to there. I had a long labour and it went well bit I know having my MIL there would have made me miserable and probably have stalled the labour because my contractions slowed down every time I got distracted. I was happy not to offend her too much but if thats what I needed to do I would have. So I'd say try and be firm and kind with your mum first and if that doesn't work go to plan B. You could check with the hospital too. A lot of hospitals don't allow more than one person in. If they do you could explain to the staff that you want it to be just you and OH and they would probably be happy to take the blame for keeping her away.

 

[Louise88]

My mum wanted to be at the birth of my daughter but I refused I only wanted my oh, my mum and my MIL sat in the hospital cafe while I gave birth. I didn't want my mum there because my mums very in your face a little miss know it all, she'd try and take control she'd have told me how to push, tell me what I was doing wrong and she probably would have told the midwife how to do her job lol

I think my mums hoping I'll let her in for the birth this time round but no chance its just going to be me and oh again, but she's more then welcome to sit in the cafe again and come in once I've given birth like she did last time with MIL so they still got to see their granddaughter at 30 minutes old

If you don't want your mum there just be honest

 

[MrsHBuckley]

I felt the same way... I just wanted it to be my husband and I.
My mom was resistant, she would always say those "we will see about that".
But I had both of my parents and my husband there through the whole process, until the pushing stage came. My husband and the nurse both kicked out my parents and they let them stand in the hallway and left my door open so they could hear everything (there was a curtain).
It was a good compromise and they were so excited that they got to hear my DS cry for the first time!

 

[tinkerbelle93]

I was the same, just wanted myself and my OH. My mum was understanding and never even asked to be there.. she herself only had my dad there when she had her children so never even mentioned it. My best friend and MIL kept asking to be there though (I think people asking is just so rude!) and seemed to think they had a right to be present.

In the end me and my OH just didn't tell anyone when I'd gone into labour. We rang everyone after he'd been born and just said it had been really quick and quicker than we'd expected (this was sort of true, even though I spent 2 days labouring at home once we got to hospital it was 40 mins before he came out) so we hadn't had time to ring anyone and tell them. xx

 

[AP]

We never told anyone til after the event. Problem solved each time.
MIL did push to visit but we managed to put her off

 

[Feronia]

I was in a very, very similar situation, and I have to say -- PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! My biggest regret is that I was a pushover and let my mom come up and stay with us before my homebirth. I told her I didn't want her watching ahead of time, that she'd have to leave when I went into labour. She ended up REFUSING to leave and we got into a huge fight while I was in labour. It was horrible.

If I could do it all over again, I would tell her to come up AFTER the birth and be as far away as possible during the birth. I didn't want to hurt her feelings at the time, but the way things went we didn't end up speaking for 5 months after DD was born. It would have been far, far better if I had spoken up and told her not to come up. She would have been upset, but she would have gotten over it and I wouldn't have had to argue with her while I was in labour.

If you really just want your husband there (I did as well), be firm about it! It's really important!

 

[AC1987]

If you're giving birth in a hospital you can write it in your birth plan that you want NO ONE there but your dh. That's what I did with mine. And they hafta listen to it, you can change your mind, but they can't go against your wishes. I know my, In laws called every half hour asking if they could come I kept telling dh NO. I wouldn't even allow my own family to be there so why would I want his to me giving birth is a very personal thing and I think its your right to choose who you want there. With me I'm only comfy with my DH seeing me like how I am in labour

 

[Cherry Bow]

I'm just having my OH and the medical team.

I've told my folks and my MIL that as much as I love them, we won't tell them our daughter is here until she comes so I can concentrate on birthing as I know they will be anxious the whole time xx

 

[xx~Lor~xx]

I never wanted my mum their either, I just wanted it to be me and my OH, and she accepted it. I think initially she may be hurt, but perhaps sit her down and explain to her that despite knowing she wants to be there, that you really want it to just be you and your partner at the birth of your child so you can share that moment together, but maybe say you will phone her first as soon as you feel ready to share the news of the birth? Say she could've one of the first to visit? Something like that. Despite not wanting my mum there, she was the only one that knew I was in labour with my first child, my dad and her were the only ones to know I was in labour with my second child (they were on babysitting duty with my eldest) and she was the only one to know and see me in labour with my third (came around to watch my eldest two) May be slightly different in the fact that she always accepted that I didn't want her there, and she said she never had her mum there either, so was more understanding that it should be just me and my partner.

 

[Banshee]

I didn't want anyone there apart from DH when I was expecting ds1. My mum kept saying
'we'll see' and saying she'd come and wait etc. I was very clear with her though that I did not anyone there and if I believed she'd show up at the hospital I simply wouldn't tell her I'd gone into labour! She got the message and gave up pushing to be at the birth.
I think you just need to be clear with your mum. It is your birth and you get to make the choices who you want there - not her!

 

[Larkspur]

I adore my mum and I still didn't want her at my birth! It would have stressed me out to have anyone other than my OH and midwife!

Fortunately, my mum never even asked if she could be there; she correctly assumed that if I wanted her there, I'd ask her to be.

Honestly, I'd just put my foot down politely but extremely firmly, and not worry too much about her feelings. I find it really rude of her to undermine/second guess you by saying, "We'll see" when you've already told her what you'd prefer, so it seems like she's not really concerned about your feelings.

You could maybe phrase it something like this:
"Mum, I know you really want to be at the birth. But I'm afraid OH and I have decided we just want it to be us and the medical staff. You'll be the first to know when baby is here. I know you've said before that "We'll see" about you being at the birth, so I feel that I need to make our plan really clear. I hope you can respect that."

If she tries to argue at all, I would say, "Mum, I've told you what we want and I don't want to argue. If I can't feel sure that you will respect our wishes, I will tell the hospital staff not to let you into the birthing suite. I know never of us want me to have to do that, so please don't argue with me."

Don't submit to a guilt trip. You are being totally reasonable here, and she is being pushy and disrespectful.

 

[lavenderbrown]

i only want my partner and the midwife. my family don't live nearby so i don't have to worry about them being annoying and wanting to come. but his mother moved down to be near us recently and she's already mentioned she wants to be there. i laughed when my partner told me and told him he better come up with a nice way to let her down. childbirth sounds like hell, why would i want a bunch of people i don't know very well (his family and friends) standing around annoying me when im trying to push this kid out?

 

[Misscalais]

I just had hubby both times. 1st time my mum lived 6 hrs away, 2nd time she came up for a week and stayed with us, I was going to have her in with me but bub came quicker then expected.
And now I look but I'm glad it was just hubby and I.

 

[Niccal]

It never entered mine or my Mum's mind for her to be in the delivery suite with me and Hubby, she even made the comment afterwards she wouldn't have wanted to anyway because she knew what I was going through and even when your children are grown up, seeing them in pain and not being able to do anything is terrible.

You really do need to think of yourself in this, I know it's hard if you're not a confrontational person (I'm not) but you need to be as relaxed as possible at that point in the labour, and if having anyone other than your OH there is going to prevent you from being comfortable then you don't have to have them there.

 

[Beanonorder]

I'm really sorry so many of you have had such bad experiences with your mom's or MIL! It makes me really sad to read all that.

My mother never asked to be there but she was there when I had my daughter. I wasn't allowed to have my dh at the birth (Chinese rules - communal delivery room and you do it alone) and because I'm a foreigner I eventually got special permission for my mom to come in to me. My mom was absolutely amazing and I could never have done it without her. Had I been alone (or even with dh) I would have ended up with a c-section. But with my moms encouragement and support I made it through and I have to say it is the most incredible experience I've ever gotten to share with her.

To the OP, the slightest upset can delay your labour. Its hard but you have to be firm with your mom. Tell her she had her turn to do it her way and she now needs to step back and respect that now its your turn to do it your way.

 

[src]

I think I've managed to convince her she doesn't need to be there for the whole process. I explained how I didn't need her making me more nervous and I think she got it. She does realize she's not exactly a calm, rational person, at least! And I told her how important it was for it to be just the three of us those first moments, and I think she understood that as well, she didn't even have the option of the "togetherness" as my dad didn't really want to be involved at all. He showed up at the hospital and then disappeared for three days!

I'm likely getting induced this weekend, she knows the time and everything, and we assured her that she will know if anything happens and when it's getting close. Thanks for all the words of support, I just needed time to figure out my phrasing to not crush her. My mom isn't awful, by any means, she just has an obscured view of the past and I know she can't relate to actually having a supportive husband who can be my rock, so to speak.