I feel...different.

[TTCgamer2.0]

I just want to vent this somewhere

For the last year (with a break) DH and I have been trying to start a family. When it didn't happen right away I felt like a failure and would cry myself to sleep after negative tests.

However, last month on OV day I was paralyzed by nerves and fear and we didn't BD. Since then, I feel like a family isn't an out of reach concept, but something that is on the horizon very soon. I'm very anxious and constantly wondering about all the "what ifs". Childcare, savings, a home, schools, free time...they are all swirling around in my head begging to be solved. Even after "solving" these questions I still feel like I'm not prepared.

This has to be normal right? Has anyone else felt this abrupt shift from longing and zeal to caution and anxiety? What is your story?

 

[Charmed86]

Yes, me! I started ttc a few years back but it didn't happen due to pcos & I went back on the pill to help. I was utterly devastated. It's been a while & I've finally allowed myself to want a baby again. The first month I was so excited about stopping the pill, but when it actually came time, I couldn't & I ended up staying on it another month!

I keep going through phases, sometimes I am so excited to have a baby. but then I go through periods of terror and it really freaks me out! Like earlier this cycle, I realised that unprotected sex could actually lead to a baby! It sounds so obvious, but for some reason it only dawned on me the other day! It really freaked me out!

Sometimes it bothers me so much that I wonder whether I really want this :/

 

[TTCgamer2.0]

Oh god the phases. I understand. So many mixed emotions.

 

[Charmed86]

Oh god the phases. I understand. So many mixed emotions.

It really worries me sometimes.. what if I feel like this when I get a bfp? I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy worrying that I don't know whether I want the baby! It's so scary, I think it's normal.. It's such a big change & we're seeking it out. Sometimes I wish I could get pregnant by accident so it's just forced on me. I wonder if I choose to get pregnant, put all this effort in & then hate it then I have no one else to blame but myself really. I feel like there's something wrong with me!

 

[Charmed86]

Oh god the phases. I understand. So many mixed emotions.

It really worries me sometimes.. what if I feel like this when I get a bfp? I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy worrying that I don't know whether I want the baby! It's so scary, I think it's normal.. It's such a big change & we're seeking it out. Sometimes I wish I could get pregnant by accident so it's just forced on me. I wonder if I choose to get pregnant, put all this effort in & then hate it then I have no one else to blame but myself really. I feel like there's something wrong with me!

 

[TTCgamer2.0]

Don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled to be pregnant. I just worry that I am not in the perfect place, though I know that is unrealistic. It's more being overwhelmed by the realities of a child rather than not wanting one at all. I don't know why I feel more certain that we will have a baby, but I hope it comes to pass and not my brain playing tricks on me.

 

[Buffyx]

Although DH and I have never TTC before now. I was going to stop taking BCP. I didn't take it one morning like I usually do, and then I panicked in the afternoon and I took it. So I sort of get what you're saying because I had a moment of anxiety as well. I'm now off the pill though and both excited and scared!

 

[TTCgamer2.0]

I won't lie. I am sort of hoping that this newfound certainty and caution means my body and the universe know something I dont. Probably too much to hope for though Maybe it is just easier on my sanity to be anxious.