I feel left out because I don't have kids.

[xlouloux]

Hi everyone.

I'm here for my monthly down time lol. Basically I wanted to post this because I use other parts of the forum quite a bit, I have noticed a few Mum's posting about how they have lost friends because of having children. With me and DF it's the complete opposite, and I'm aware it's the same for other LTTTC'ers as well.

I'm 21 and barely have any proper friends, it seems like no one is interested in me and DF because we don't have children, we don't get invites for anything from our so called "friends" that have children, they all go out together and do stuff leaving us behind. I could understand that they might think it would upset us because of LTTTC, but none of them know! There's just no excuse really, we love kids, we love being around kids.

I wouldn't mind so much if we were the type of couple that goes out to clubs etc, but we don't enjoy that sort of thing at all. Most of our time spent together feels so incomplete, we constantly sit and wonder what we should do when were bored and imagine how our time would be spent if we did have a child to care for. It does often make me wonder, if our friends who have had children, think they can't be friends with us because we don't?! I know Mum's like to talk about their children a lot, and probably think it would be boring to us, but in reality I would happily sit for hours listening to it all.

I know a lot of Mum's don't come in here often, if at all, but I would love to hear thoughts from everyone? If you're a Mum, do you still have many/any friends that don't have children?

Sorry it's long! Thanks for reading.

 

[wristwatch24]

Have you talked to them about it? Maybe if they knew you wouldn't be bored with the kid stuff, they'd invite you? I say communication is the best.

 

[MrsAttard]

The gap between friends with kids, and those without is always stressful, even if they aren't aware that you're struggling with TTC. And not spending time with friends, whether they have kids or not, just makes the emptiness of LTTTC that much worse, convinced that if this is could be finally your month, everything would be different.

I feel a lot of distance from my friends as well, both physical and emotional. I actually find it's hardest with friends who don't have kids and aren't TTC either. I can tell that they think they're loosing me too. I mostly try to make the conversation more about them, and less about my struggles, but to make them comfortable, and to distract me.

We have other friends that one son, and just found out they were pg as well. When it came to telling us that they were pg I could see their hesitation, that they were trying to not seem too excited so they wouldn't hurt our feelings. I've tried to be open with them about our struggles so they understand, but also so they know that I'm not distraught and still want to be involved with them, and their son. Consequently, I've become their son's best friend when visiting, and I look forward to being an acting 'aunt' for the new one as well.

Maybe I haven't be too helpful, as this is more a commentary of my own struggles, but take solace knowing that we all have these issues. It's hard to continually connect with friends with kids, but not impossible. Their lives revolved around the kids, but most parents still long for adult connections. Maybe it's as simple as seeking them out more, but being flexible to work with their schedules. And try maybe one couple at a time, bc a group of mommies may be overwhelming as the conversation will likely be all kid-talk. Once you're able to warm back in with a few, a group gathering will come easier, and an extra adult or two will be helpful for kid-wrangling!

Good luck! And baby dust!

 

[tamithomas]

Totally know what you feel, although imo i would rather friends that avoid me instead of shoving their kids down my throat but each to their own. Like mentioned above, maybe talking with them? Maybe they don't understand. After all, IF i still a fresh topic that is very slowly leaving the taboo topic and moving on to the common topic where it's becoming more and more open.

 

[XJessicaX]

I am a mum and I have distanced myself from non-baby friends in the fear that I may bore them or have less in common now. I feel awkward now meeting up with friends and feel incredibly draining on them because my life now revolves around my daughter. I am 27 and none of my best friends are any where near ready to have children and still lead frivolous exciting lifestyles of work and travel and interesting events! I love to listen to their stories as I used to be like them and always had a story to tell, but I loathe being asked "so what about you, tell me what's been happening!" because bar buying our first house and babies there isn't much to say! My life came to a (happy!) standstill when I fell pregnant. I am even leaving my job within the next month so that's even less to talk about to the rest of the world!

Most people without children have NO interest in teething, in first steps, in speech development and weight and height percentiles!! I find immense comfort in spending time with other people who genuinely find this chat interesting! My days out revolve around babies! We go to soft play, find places with easy buggy routes and changing facilities with baby friendly food. Nights out are a release from the strains of parenthood and yet we spend most of the time talking about kids! I guess most of this wouldn't appeal to someone that didn't have a child because its quite frankly (to most people) boring!

One of my very close friends is going for IVF (next Thursday!) but I do feel even more awkward inviting her out with friends with babies as she is very openly upset about not having a child and that she feels left out.

I don't think your friends are being malicious in not inviting you out at all! I think they probably don't want you twiddling your thumbs whilst for the tenth time one of them has to disappear to change a nappy! Most of us realise we are tedious creatures and don't wish to inflict that on someone we 'presume' has a life still!

 

[tamithomas]

XJessicaX... why did you post here with your sig. on? Many of us do not feel comfortable when preg. women show up here with it on. Please hide it next time.

 

[shorman]

Yeh me and DH Have some a couple who used to live next door to us who don't have children but we get on well with them and they love seeing the children and we have bbqs and stuff with a mix of coupleswith and without children she has been LLTC and at first I didn't want to approach them at first as I was Not wanting her to feel uncomfortable because I have a newborn but she came round to my house with some lovely little baby clothes anyways I suppose it takes both sides to make an effort you should just make your friends aware that you feel left out as they might think you might be bored with all the baby talk,

 

[XJessicaX]

It is impossible to remove my sig from this one post. Just scroll down over quickly if it angers/upsets you. The OP asked for answers and I posted. This shall be my last post. I was here reading threads so I understand more about assisted conception and fertility so I can be more supportive to my friend. (just in case you were wondering what I was doing in here in the first place)

Edit- done it. Learn something new every day!

 

[tamithomas]

Thanks Jessica, I didn't mean it as an attack it's just an issue that I've seen ruffle some feathers over several occasions. Thank you for your understanding as well as you are such a great friend to do studying to understand about assisted conception. Many friends do not go to lengths to even consider trying to understand