I feel nothing for them.

[RainbowGift]

It sounds like your feelings are getting lower rather than lifting.... but that is sometimes what happens before the lift.

Twins are very physically demanding, so the emotional demands we need to meet inside ourselves tend to get left behind. I know what it feels like to be pulled awake each hour, or even 1/2 hour, by two babies, night after night. It feels like you are a prisoner of war and being tortured.

The stress of feeling like you can't give two babies what they need, when you know you could if it were one baby, piles up inside and that stress comes out as other negative feelings. This is especially true for people like you who want to control situations and have them come out just so. Twin babies force us to adjust ourselves and grow. The stretching hurts, but it eventually pulls us to a new place and we are improved beings.

Your "feeling nothing" for them has turned into "hating" them... but, if you really hated them you wouldn't feel guilty about the situation at hand, you wouldn't think they deserved better. Don't let intrusive thoughts guide you. Try to recognize them, like when a negative emotion wells up and you feel like you hate them, and say (even out loud if you can, it's more powerful that way): "I don't hate you, I'm just stretched too thin and haven't gotten over the trauma of your birth and have powerful hormones surging through me and I am exhausted and I feel far away from the rest of the world- which includes you. I feel terrible that you need so much from me at a time when I am so low and so I let myself wish all this weren't happening and you were still safe inside me."

Another great step would be if you could ask yourself if you WANT to feel something for them. If you are ready to start feeling some positive feelings for them... I know it sounds dumb to ask that, as you keep saying you feel like a terrible mom for feeling the way you do... but as you know, when you are in the grip of dark feelings, you can be at their mercy to the point where there is no room for even wanting to feel better, because it is like it is an impossibility and your will has no say in the matter. Is that where you are? Do you sometimes feel anger if people suggest things you could do to start feeling differently? Or, if not anger, a hopeless feeling like: "they don't understand that I can't possibly do that and even if I could it wouldn't help"?

I am still loving you from across the globe... and I'm believing in your future when you are too tired to. Let us lift you up!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

[wookie130]

It sounds like your feelings are getting lower rather than lifting.... but that is sometimes what happens before the lift.

Twins are very physically demanding, so the emotional demands we need to meet inside ourselves tend to get left behind. I know what it feels like to be pulled awake each hour, or even 1/2 hour, by two babies, night after night. It feels like you are a prisoner of war and being tortured.

The stress of feeling like you can't give two babies what they need, when you know you could if it were one baby, piles up inside and that stress comes out as other negative feelings. This is especially true for people like you who want to control situations and have them come out just so. Twin babies force us to adjust ourselves and grow. The stretching hurts, but it eventually pulls us to a new place and we are improved beings.

Your "feeling nothing" for them has turned into "hating" them... but, if you really hated them you wouldn't feel guilty about the situation at hand, you wouldn't think they deserved better. Don't let intrusive thoughts guide you. Try to recognize them, like when a negative emotion wells up and you feel like you hate them, and say (even out loud if you can, it's more powerful that way): "I don't hate you, I'm just stretched too thin and haven't gotten over the trauma of your birth and have powerful hormones surging through me and I am exhausted and I feel far away from the rest of the world- which includes you. I feel terrible that you need so much from me at a time when I am so low and so I let myself wish all this weren't happening and you were still safe inside me."

What would be another great step would be if you could ask yourself if you WANT to feel something for them. If you are ready to start feeling some positive feelings for them... I know it sounds dumb to ask that, as you keep saying you feel like a terrible mom for feeling the way you do... but as you know, when you are in the grip of dark feelings, you can be at their mercy to the point where there is no room for even wanting to feel better, because it is like it is an impossibility and your will has no say in the matter. Is that where you are? Do you sometimes feel anger if people suggest things you could do to start feeling differently? Or, if not anger, a hopeless feeling like: "they don't understand that I can't possibly do that and even if I could it wouldn't help"?

I am still loving you from across the globe... and I'm believing in your future when you are too tired to. Let us lift you up!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Absolutely priceless post.
I could not have said any of this better.

Mechanica...I do feel there is a fine line (and it's sometimes blurred) between resentment and actual hatred. You could easily resent the feelings surrounding your situation, and feel resentment toward the twins for your current frame of mind. I do not believe for one minute that you genuinely HATE the children, for if you did, you probably wouldn't meet their physical needs, you may dream of harming them, or you would have starting pursuing your options in terms of adoption, etc. In other words, you'd be trying to find your way OUT of this, and not feeling any guilt attached to your behavior, either.

You, on the other hand, are immersed with guilt. I can feel the very weight of it in your words. This, is not pure hatred. This could very well be love...you're just not feeling any of the typical warmth or attachment we traditionally associate with the word "love."

I agree that you actually sound like your slipping further into the PND. I know you've stated that you want to avoid medication, but perhaps it is something to look into at this point. When one is low enough, and suffering from this type of illness, nothing feels like it will help, and it's easier to remain skeptical, and all the while you may be actually slipping lower and lower into it. I would encourage you to try something along these lines. If meds don't help, there are still other options. I would also encourage you to seek therapy, or a counselor you can safely and honestly share your feelings with.

You do not have continue feeling guilty, sad, or resentful.

I am afraid that if you continue on this way, it will only continue to spiral down. Please don't wait, honey. Call someone TODAY. Do not only for your twins, but for your 4 year old child, and for YOURSELF.

 

[Jordyn]

I did not read the comments yet but I wanted to write to you and tell you that I know exactly what you are going through! And for you to be open with everything the way you wrote on here...i admire you so much. You might think huh..what is there to admire when feeling this way? Well I will tell you why. Because when I had my first child..i felt the exact same way. My every thought was giving him up and living with complete guilt for years. I lost all my friends because I was depressed and none of my friends understood how hard depression can take over your mind and soul. I would not tell anyone how I felt..i pretended all the time. I locked myself away and wouldnt answer the door or phone. It wasnt until I had my second child that I tried to get help..that was 6 years later. I fell so deep inlove with my second child while my first was hardly in my heart. My heart broke for him so much cause I just couldnt help how I felt about him. I decided to come clean and pour my heart out to family and children services. This turned out to be a bad idea in a sense because she didnt know how to help me. She took both of my kids away from me and I had to fight tooth and nail to get my children back. I also want to express that tho I had this feeling for my first...he was still taken good care of and and was still shown lots of love...the problem was that I just didnt want to fake it anymore.. All I could think about was when I was a child..i would have been been devastated if I knew back then if my mother didnt love me! The woman didnt know how to handle my situation so instead of helping me get better...she just took my kids away. I finally got my kids back and with the scare of actually losing my son..it was then that I realized that I needed him more then I thought. From that moment..i couldnt live with out him. It feels so good knowing that I love him so much now. I have to admit that im still not as close with my son as I am with my daughter but that is to be expected as the bonding was lost with my son for so long but the important thing is at least I feel at peace now. Just like you..i also had a traumatic birth with my son and I think it contribute alot to how I felt after. you should really see your doctor about this and speak to your doctor about seeing a post partum specialist. They deal with this all the time. And dont think for a second that you are alone. So many women experience this..its more commen then you know xxx

 

[tripletsOMG]

i am so sorry that u feel like this. You did so well growing and protecting them and doing everything to provide the best start to there lives. I know u love them and its devastating to think u feelings have changed after delivery i hope that u are able to heal emotionally and physically hugs from the us

 

[KELLYBD]

Just wanted to say today is the first day I've sat and read all through this thread and my heart goes out to you sweetheart. You have shown so much strength of character to share your feelings openly with all of us when you are struggling to do so with your doctor.

I can't even begin to put myself into your shoes as I've never had depression but I did live with a man who did and to be honest spent most of my life walking on egg shells until I understood him.

There's no advice I can give you other than to keep coming on here and vent your feelings to us. Take some comfort at least in the fact that you are letting out some of your pain here and you are not bottling it up. BUT I strongly suggest you come clean with the docs. My ex kept saying to me "I've done the doc/councilling thing, they don't understand me/ can't help me" I basically had to push him through the docs door to get help and he did and he did get well, it was a long process but I believe saved his life.

I know it's not the same but you need to let them help you, no matter how hard it is, you owe it to yourself to be happy again.

With regards to the babies waking up every hour, I had that at first but it will get better even though it seems it won't. Something always sticks with me what one of the other Mum's on her, Vicky said. Remember each day is a day nearer to basically the twins routine being complete and you getting a full night's sleep.

I wish you all the luck in the world, you are a very very brave lady and I hope everything works out for you. xxx

 

[WantingABubba]

I'm in N London. I do have a volunteer that helps me for 2 hours a week but I'm not sure it's practical help I need. Usually when she comes the babies sleep and i widh she would go home so i could sleep. I dont want to talk to or see anyone. They want feeding nonstop and I guess noone can help with that while I'm breastfeeding. I just don't want them. I want to send them back.

I'm also in N London. If you ever wanna go for a coffee, or something, or want a babysitter, PM me.

Also, you're breastfeeding, right? Well, for a start, well done for that! That's an expression of love. See, you don't hate them; you're just feeling stressed, depressed and your hormones are all over the place.

Could you pump? If you pumped and stocked it up in the freezer, you could get some time to yourself and away from the babies. You could even get donated milk, if you'd like.

 

[WantingABubba]

Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much to me.

I did go back to see my GP but it didn't go very well. I just feel completely empty so I just told her I was fine and left sharpish. She asked me to book an appt for next week and I went to the desk to do so but I just burst into tears and walked out. I don't want to go back. I have no energy. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I feel completely over stretched. The babies woke every hour last night. First 1 then the following hour the next. I hate them. I dont want to hurt them, but i just wish someone would take them away. My 4 year old won't listen and I am just being a horrible, horrible mother. I'm so tired and I wish I could just turn back time and not have them. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep and fantasise about running away or throwing myself off a multi storey. I don't think I would, it's just fantasy.

My boy is very unsettled and wants to be held constantly. I don't believe in letting babies cry so he is permanently attached to me and I feel like I'm neglecting the girl. I don't have enough hands. I think maybe he has reflux or something. I feel completely out of my depth, like I'm drowning.

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your kind words. I don't feel worthy of them though. These were much wanted babies and I am so faulty that I don't love them. I am a terrible mother and I'm very sorry.

Bubba, you're depressed. You're normal, and depressed.

To make things easier for you in terms of the babies wanting to be held all the time - try baby-wearing. It's possible to babywear twins, but you may just want to babywear one. But it'll help you a LOT. You'll have your hands free and he'll most likely be more settled.

You are worthy of our kind words, because you're an amazing, and brave, person who's just going through a hard time. You're not a terrible Mother - you're a Mother who's suffering.

Please, sweetie, talk to someone. Get yourself to the Doctor again and get some anti-depressants, or speak to a counseller over the phone. I'm on anti-depressants, and they've helped MASSIVELY. Also, have a look at this site. You're not alone - even if you feel like the only person on the planet going through this.

My heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[RainbowGift]

I'm worried about you, if you are reading this, please check in with us... even if it's just a few words. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

[WantingABubba]

I'm worried about you, if you are reading this, please check in with us... even if it's just a few words. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I second this x

 

[wookie130]

Yes, we're thinking of you, and would love for you to check in and touch base.

We're worried...

 

[mechanica]

Apologies. I have just read all your kind replies and I am overwhelmed. I am just posting because I do not want you to worry about me so am checking in to tell you I am 'okay'. I would love to tell you things have improved, but sadly not.

Many thanks for all the support you have given me though, it was very much appreciated x x

 

[WantingABubba]

Apologies. I have just read all your kind replies and I am overwhelmed. I am just posting because I do not want you to worry about me so am checking in to tell you I am 'okay'. I would love to tell you things have improved, but sadly not.

Many thanks for all the support you have given me though, it was very much appreciated x x

xx

 

[cedrickerry]

and some understanding

Kx

 

[wookie130]

I still pray that things WILL improve, and that you no longer have to feel this way. Thanks for popping in!

 

[RainbowGift]

Please keep communicating with us so that we can all help you through this. If we all put our heads together there will be at least *some* change for you. If you stop opening up, things might just stall where they are. Talking to us will at least get things moving inside you and hopefully breathe some fresh air through.

 

[6lilpigs]

Just keep doing as your doing, taking care of their needs and getting through each day ok I never took to my 2nd child until he was about 6 months old, but I did everything as I should so I can look back and think it may not have been perfect but we got through it. I hope you visit more often, take care xx

 

[fernanda]

i know this thread is "old", but I just came across it and I had tears in my eyes reading your story! I can only repeat what everybody else said - I would really love to just give you a big !
There is probably nothing we can do to ACTUALLY help instead of telling you to get counseling and try to encourage you. I wish there was a really good advice I can give you, but I think only one who has been in your situation can.

Anyway, I think it is normal that when you posted again end of January and things haven't gotten better yet. It probably takes a lot more time than a few weeks. It might take a long time until you will learn to truly love them and see how beautiful they are, but I am sure you will get there eventually! Don't give up just yet and take things as they come. And sooner or later I am convinced you will see the beauty in those two little children. Just be patient with yourself and try to accept all the help you can get =) I wish you all the best!!!