I feel nothing for them.

[Laura2919]

Oh hun
I'm sorry to hear this. I would suggest maybe going to see a Dr, sounds like you have PND and it needs to be treated. Your on your own and although you have help from your mum your gonna be doing it alone with no partner to lean on for support, thats got to be tough in itself.
I'm a single mummy to twins but they are nearly three and before that I had FOB to help me.

I hope things get better for you hun.

 

[mechanica]

Thank you so much for your kind replies. Sorry I am only just getting round to replying, I just didn't know how to respond.

I live in north London. My midwife hasn't discharged me yet because the lack of bond between me and the babies. She urged me to make an appointment with the gp too so I have done so. It's tomorrow morning. I have no idea what I am going to say to her. She is a very nice GP but I feel like such a massive failure. We knew this may happen but I was so positive and happy when pregnant and even following the birth and it just feels like a failure on my part that I couldn't keep up the positivity.

The twins are fine. Gaining weight, fairly good babies but I just feel like I can't love them. I resent that they've ruined my body and caused this massive crash in my mental health. I wish I could just be pregnant again. I feel sorry for them and think someone else could love them much better than me. These are much wanted babies (though I didn't bank on 2) so its even more confusing that now they're finally here I don't want them??

Do you think I should put them on a bottle? I don't feel any overwhelming rush of love when I am bf them, I just want them to hurry up and feed. I spend most of the day crying on them and apologising for being such a poor excuse for a human being. My first born keeps asking me why I am sad and have wet eyes .

I don't want to be medicated. I don't really want to see the gp either. What will I say?? I would rather give the babies away than have someone take them off me because I am unfit. I have no idea what to do and am not sure I have ever felt so lonely.

Thank you for replying to me. It means a lot x

 

[RainbowGift]

I'm so tired, that I can barely string thoughts together, but I couldn't leave this with no response. Forgive any mistakes I might make typing...

Tomorrow, you simply say that you need help immediately. That the babies needs are being met, but you are very distressed and crying all the time and are not bonding with them.

I know you don't want medication, but it might be necessary... just to get you over the hump. My best friend is on prozac and still breast feeds- it's been around long enough to have been proven safe, supposedly.

You are so depressed that you don't realize you can feel better. Try to accept the help that is offered, even if you don't believe it is going to help. It's hard to believe when you are in the lonely darkness. Do what the professionals suggest and this sickness inside you may be gone sooner than you think!!! I also think talking to someone in the field of psychology would be a very good thing to do.

I am loving you from across the globe. You are not alone. Try not to think past each present moment and try to relax your body and breathing and bring tiny bits of peace into yourself.

 

[Mom.to.Many]

I'm so tired, that I can barely string thoughts together, but I couldn't leave this with no response. Forgive any mistakes I might make typing...

Tomorrow, you simply say that you need help immediately. That the babies needs are being met, but you are very distressed and crying all the time and are not bonding with them.

I know you don't want medication, but it might be necessary... just to get you over the hump. My best friend is on prozac and still breast feeds- it's been around long enough to have been proven safe, supposedly.

You are so depressed that you don't realize you can feel better. Try to accept the help that is offered, even if you don't believe it is going to help. It's hard to believe when you are in the lonely darkness. Do what the professionals suggest and this sickness inside you may be gone sooner than you think!!! I also think talking to someone in the field of psychology would be a very good thing to do.

I am loving you from across the globe. You are not alone. Try not to think past each present moment and try to relax your body and breathing and bring tiny bits of peace into yourself.

Amen, girl.... you nailed it!

 

[RainbowGift]

How did it go?

 

[mechanica]

Thank you do much for asking and for the support

I saw the GP this morning. I cried a lot and she was very kind to me. She said she will do anything she can to help me. She agreed not to prescribe tablets just yet (she knows I hate them and have been on tablets most of my life) but has agreed to support me. She wants me to try and do some baby massage to encourage me to bond with the babies and she's going to liase with the midwife to see how they can work together. She did give me 3 things to do but I've forgotten the other 2

She wants to see me next week and she said to call in the meantime if I need her. She said she's not concerned with the babies (their needs are being met) but is concerned about how I am so detached from them. It's like they are someone else's children that I can just walk away from. She said that if I do decide to walk that I should just call her first and that she won't judge me.

I still feel very sad for these poor babies. They don't deserve this.

Thank you for being kind to me x

 

[Alwilan]

You are so brave posting this thread, and I can bet it will help other multiple mummys, who want to say something but can't either now or in the future x
As much as you feel detached from them, your actions show subconsiously you care a great deal, seeking help and posting here. One of these days, I'm sure it all catch up together, in the meantime just do what you are doing

 

[Jmommy]

I cant say that I know how feel, but I just wanted to offer some comfort that you are not alone. The birth of my son last July was emergency section which I did not want. I wanted the labor experience and all and then he was immediately diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I didnt hold him at all and I told my husband I didnt think I could love our son, and I cried and cried and cried. It has now been 6 months and things are going great, I hope time will be the answer for you as well!

Continue seeing your GP and asking for help when you need it! You are not alone!

 

[chan8180]

Ahh hun ive not been on here for a while and your post has made a huge lump in my throat, you have been incredibly brave to firstly admit to us but to also seek help well done this was a huge step in healing. I dont many answers and im sure you are getting the right help already but one source of support could be TAMBA they also have a manned helpline with twin mums on the other end to offer advice or just to listen when you need to vent. The website is www.tamba.org.uk the twin line is free and is open everyday from 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm on 0800 138 0509 (freephone).

I cannot imagine what you have gone through but with the right help and support im sure you will take small steps and grow to love those precious babies of yours. Good luck

Chantelle x

 

[RainbowGift]

It sounds like that visit was one step in the right direction!
Have you been doing the massage? What is really going to help you is when the babies start smiling at you on a regular basis, things will probably start to kick in fast then.

Here is what I am most concerned about: What if the feelings don't kick in fast enough (I REALLLLLLLLY believe you are going to love these babies A LOT in the future) and you really start planning to "walk" and start an adoption process or something.... you would be doing these things under the a false impression that your depression is creating.

Maybe you could promise yourself that you will care for them, with the help of others, for such-and-such amount of MONTHS and then sit down with a professional again to re-evaluate?

Maybe we can all put our heads together here, and help you come up with a day-to-day plan that feels possible for you and you can keep caring for them without feeling so much sorrow and without criticizing yourself.

I feel that if you are being so honest about your lack of feeling for them, you would be honest if you were not meeting their needs or if you were thinking about harming them..... that would be another whole ball game.

How is your other child doing? Who else could help you during the day? What's your favorite music?

Loving you,
Jen

 

[bubbakisses]

I think that you need to go to your doctor asap, PND is very serious and you should get the help you deserve. Take care and enjoy your babies

 

[wondertwins]

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to talk to your doctor and that she's taking an active role in helping you.

I know it may not feel like it right this minute, but I can see that your babies are very lucky to have you! After all....despite this rough patch, your babies are being cared for and are safe, and you are being honest with yourself and your doctor about the feelings you're having. That's a huge and difficult step, and it says a lot about your strength as a woman. Try to stay open minded about treatment options and reach out for help whenever you need it. You and your loveys will make it through this.

 

[RainbowGift]

If you haven't remembered the other two things that the doctor recommended, call and ask. Tell them you are a twin mom and have "baby brain". I say this to people all the time... I can't remember ANYTHING some days, not even my own phone number. Call them! xoxoxo

I think about you a lot. Please check in with us from time to time and let us know how you are doing.

 

[lizziedripping]

Mechanica, what a courageous woman you are, and have taken such a huge step in sharing your feelings and approaching your GP

I am sure that Many women feel like you do, but are not brave enough to admit it - some of them suffering for months, if not years on their own with these overwhelming feelings.

I felt some of what you describe after my first born, tho I don't pretend it was anywhere near as intense as it is for you. I spent a lot of time crying, struggling to bond and longing to have the excitement and anticipation of the pregnancy again. I felt completely underwhelmed by his arrival (the birth had been traumatic and exhausting), and shocked by how little I felt for him, and just how hard motherhood was. The pregnancy had been so wonderful and I just wanted to reverse time and be back there again. My gut was constantly twisted with anxiety, And I felt empty and so down

For me the negative feelings did pass after about 8/9 myths, but I battled alone rather than seeking help. I am so relieved you have taken that first step Hun, and hope and pray you find some peace sometime soon - pm me if you need anything

 

[wookie130]

Mechanica, I just want to let you know I've read the entire thread, and am overwhelmed by the amount of courage it must have taken for you to express what is happening in your life at the moment with your twins.

PPD can range from mild to a psychosis state. The sooner you seek help specifically for this issue, the sooner you can have the type of life and perspective as a mother. I'm glad you've got a good relationship with your doctor, and have actively asked for help.

My heart goes out to you. Your situation touches me, and you need to know that there are many, many women (even on BnB) who are living with the guilt you've experienced...but you were brave enough to give this issue a voice.

With help, this WILL get better, and your ability to bond with your babies will improve. You must be diligent in exploring your treatment options...something out there will make this better.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated on how you and your kids are doing.

 

[WantingABubba]

Hello sweetie, first of all, big hug *hug*

I am sorry you're feeling this way, and I applaud your courage in coming on here and asking for help.

First of all, it's completely understandable you feel this way. Being a single parent is hard enough, without a small child and young twins to look after. Not only that but you had a traumatic birth where you felt your needs were not met.

It sounds to me like you may have PND. Although I've not had this, I do suffer with depression and completely empathize with your feelings of despair and loneliness.

I suggest you get some help, and remember we're all here for you on the forum *hugs*

Lots of love

xx

 

[mechanica]

Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much to me.

I did go back to see my GP but it didn't go very well. I just feel completely empty so I just told her I was fine and left sharpish. She asked me to book an appt for next week and I went to the desk to do so but I just burst into tears and walked out. I don't want to go back. I have no energy. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I feel completely over stretched. The babies woke every hour last night. First 1 then the following hour the next. I hate them. I dont want to hurt them, but i just wish someone would take them away. My 4 year old won't listen and I am just being a horrible, horrible mother. I'm so tired and I wish I could just turn back time and not have them. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep and fantasise about running away or throwing myself off a multi storey. I don't think I would, it's just fantasy.

My boy is very unsettled and wants to be held constantly. I don't believe in letting babies cry so he is permanently attached to me and I feel like I'm neglecting the girl. I don't have enough hands. I think maybe he has reflux or something. I feel completely out of my depth, like I'm drowning.

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your kind words. I don't feel worthy of them though. These were much wanted babies and I am so faulty that I don't love them. I am a terrible mother and I'm very sorry.

 

[Cuffy]

Without sounding stalkerish where abouts do you live? Have you enquirer about free assistance? Just wondering if any of us live close by enough to help if only just to give you a break for a few hours I find some days challenging with sleep let alone no sleep twins & a 4 year old!!

 

[mechanica]

I'm in N London. I do have a volunteer that helps me for 2 hours a week but I'm not sure it's practical help I need. Usually when she comes the babies sleep and i widh she would go home so i could sleep. I dont want to talk to or see anyone. They want feeding nonstop and I guess noone can help with that while I'm breastfeeding. I just don't want them. I want to send them back.

 

[busymum5]

We are all here for you as much as we can be via this forum.
You are very brave to have posted the way you are feeling and you should not feel at all like you are failing your children. It is such a hard job being a mum. Let alone all the other pressure we put on ourselves to be at the top of everything that we sometimes need to give ourselves a break.
Thinking of you lots, and sending you big hugs from down under in Aus. Please keep asking for help, there seem to be so many people who would like to. xxxxx