I feel so lost, can anyone offer any words?

[sparrow82]

Hi everyone, this is my first post and it might be a bit long. I'll try to be as brief as I can though.

My wife and I have been trying for a baby for 11 months, spread over 19 months as we took a break when I had a lap & dye and also when I've been feeling down we've had a month out here and there.
I am 30, wifey is 37. We have a daughter who is almost 10, she is mine from a previous relationship. I was one of those annoying people who got pregnant when I wasnt trying. When we found a donor and started trying last year I thought it would be straight forward. How wrong I was.

I got pregnant the first cycle but had a miscarriage. Since then there has been nothing, not a sniff. I've had all the tests, had a lap & dye which was all clear apart from some mild endo which was removed.
The NHS clinic won't offer us clomid or anything as we are using a known donor. They have no sperm and will only use sperm from a bank in the states which costs a fortune. They said our chances with IUI were the same as trying at home and therefore we would need to purchase at least 6 cycles worth. It just isnt cost effective so the only treatment they would offer us was IVF, again with the sperm from america so we would need in excess of £4k. For a 30 % chance.

We opted to keep trying at home as all my tests are fine and our donor has a good semen analysis. The only problem is what it is doing to me emotionally and the strain on my marriage, which I'm sure everyone experiences.
Since we started trying all my freinds have fallen pregnant and had babies. I've tried everything from cutting out caffine to legs in the air after insemination. I've tried every combination of dates possible to conceive, I've done positive thinking, swimming, keeping busy, we even got a puppy! And yet every month when I get my period I am gutted. I feel like I lose a piece of me every month and I know I'm not the same person I used to be. Infertility really leaves it mark on you doesnt it.

Now I've given up hope it will ever happen, I worry because it has been 10yrs since I was pregnant that my body doesnt know how to do it anymore. I cant talk to my wife because things are so strained, I've cut myself off from my friends because they all have babies and its too painful (plus they dont know what to say and I've nothing interesting to talk about anymore), I've no one in my family to talk to, my cousin is due any day now so everyone is busy with that. My GP just tells me to keep trying or offers me anti depressants which I know wont change anything.

So now I just dont know what to do. I feel like Im stuck in the dark now, I just wish we had never started trying that way I'd never of felt this pain. Last night I lay awake thinking that the only way out is if I end it all, which is an awful thing to think because of my daughter and we have been bereaved by suicide so understand what it leaves behind.

I just dont know what to do anymore and there is no one to help. I often get the "well be lucky you have one" or "just relax and forget about it". Which we cant when there is 3 of us in this process. Is there any hope out there? Has anyone got any ideas on how to either cope with TTC or to move on?
Sorry for such a long post, I realise it is a lot of negative stuff xx

 

[nlk]

I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to stop by and give you

Are the nhs saying that you're not allowed any treatments other than ivf? Is there any way that you could find a donor privately, local to you, who you could use? I think it's so unfair that they are refusing to help...they should at least be giving you clomid, or femara, because it might just be that you're not ovulating strongly enough.

If it comes to it, I'm sure you could ask for an explanation as to why they won't help you. They shouldn't be discriminating against you (which it sounds like they are).

I really hope you can get something sorted. I don't think it matters whether you are on your first child or third child. Not being able to conceive still hurts.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Infertility is one of the hardest things a woman has to go through. I definitely agree with PP. It does sound like they're discriminating against you. It's my understanding that Clomid is the first drug they prescribe for women with unexplained infertlity. I'm not sure how your health system works over there, but can you go to private doctor?? The good thing is that you've already had the initial workup, so it probably wouldn't cost as much and you could get Clomid or any other drugs you need. Even if you had to pay for a consult, that would be a lot cheaper than IVF.

Also, you could try supplements and acupuncture, which also can be helpful when Western medical doctors can't help..

Anyway, don't lose hope even though I know it is hard not to. I can totally understand your feeling about ending it all. I have not been suicidal at all and intend to live as long as I can, but I had the same thought about the only way to make the pain of IF go away is to die. I'm just afraid that the pain will never go away. I never thought secondary infertility would be this hard.

 

[sparrow82]

Thank you for your replies
We have a private donor, infact this is our second one! The first we tried for several months and that is who we had the miscarriage with, but he lives a few hours from us and it added to the stress. We have done 3 cycles with our current donor. There are no issues with his semen analysis. He is a lovely guy and he lives near to us which is great.

The NHS clinic said they did not agree with us using a known donor morally so no clomid. Although they see it as moral for us to pay a hefty amount of money for a donor from the US who will have more than the 10 families allowed in the UK and also what chance would the child have of getting in touch with them and meeting them!
It makes us so annoyed! There is a private clinic in our city who do have a sperm bank of their own (why the NHS doesnt buy from there Ive no idea as it's only 2 miles down the road!)
Im not sure they would prescribe clomid anyway really as all my blood work was fine and when I had my lap they could see I had ovulated and where happy there were no issues.
We did go for a info evening there and were much more impressed with them. It is just the cost of IVF seeing as IUI is the same chance as us trying at home currently, it seems the only way to go.

If we save up I worry I will be another couple of years, I'll be older and my daughter is already almost 10 so a big age gap. There is just no easy way to solve it which drives me mad as I'm quite practical when it comes to solving problems. This stuff really messes with your head doesnt it
I do think about drawing a line under it but that really means it'll never happen as there is no way that I will find myself pregnant by accident. If I could get on with my life without the pain it would be a way forward but it never goes away.

I dont know, I've never faced something this frustrating and emotionally draining that seeps into every aspect of your life. Just going day by day at the moment.
I hope you're all ok and that you get a little bundle soon xx

 

[CaliDreaming]

Wow that sucks that NHS can deny you certain treatments just because they don't agree with you using a known donor! Seems like that would be none of their business.

Also, on Clomid, keep in mind that it is often prescribed to women even when they ovulate normalyl and have no other issues. Sometimes a woman can have very subtle defects in ovulation that can prevent conception that won't be readily apparent from the tests. For instance, some women may be releasing immature eggs, and Clomid and other drugs can help produce more mature, better quality eggs.

I also ovulate regularly on my own and all of my hormones were completely normal, but my FS has put me on 100 mg Clomid + Bravelle + HCG trigger for next cycle to help me ovulate better quality eggs and more eggs to give me a better chance of conceiving. The Clomid and Bravelle are helpful for egg quality and quantity, and the HCG ensures that the egg releases from the follicle because for some women, their eggs get trapped in the follicle.

So even for women who ovulate regularly, doctors often prescribe Clomid and other drugs because it is cheap and worth a shot before IVF. The good thing is that you have been pregnant before so it could be that your body just needs a little boost--or if you decide to go the IVF route, you have a good chance of being successful.

Keep your head up hon and hang in there. I know you have a lot of decisions to make but don't give up yet.

 

[sar0417]

Your story is pretty much the same as mine! I had a miscarriage in Nov 2010 and since then I have had nothing at all.. Ive also been swimming, losing weight, eating right, positive thinking, breaks.. the lot! and I really do feel you pain. Ive just this second took another test and got another negative.

I also have a son who is 8 from a previous relationship and I too have thought it is my body. I went to see the GP who told me they would not offer me any assistance at the fertility clinic as I already have a child (I guess i should be lucky).. yet my cousin is due anytime soon, my sister has just had one and a friend is on her third.

I think im losing the will to live. All I want is a daughter. I thought 6 months of trying was bad.. its nearly been three years and nothing

I have a scan on Saturday just to check my ovarian cysts. Hoping he will give me some clomid, fingers crossed.

 

[sparrow82]

Hey Sar, sorry for this late reply, I have only just checked the thread. Im sorry to hear your going through it too Its such a roller coaster isnt it. I guess we just have to keep going somehow. I've had some better days recently and try to enjoy them when they come along. I hope you can enjoy the festive period, sending you lots of hugs xx