I had an emotional, physical and mental breakdown :(

[EllaAndLyla]

I am really out of my mind at the moment, I am having vivid nightmares which haunt my mind during the day. A few examples of this our ones of me seeing life through my LO's eyes, I was in her cot, had her body and mind and was crying, no one was there. It was so vivid and real, I woke up in tears, I don't let LO CIO and have only ever left her for a few minutes at the most. Last night I lost it, I went physco. I wasn't in control of my self or my thoughts. For some strange reason I started freaking out when OH turned the TV off and we rolled over to go to sleep, all of a sudden I felt petrifyed, as if my life depended on the TV being on. I started shaking, finding it difficult to breath, I was scratching my whole body with my nails which are sharp (I have red marks all over me today), I was crying, couldnt stop moving. It was awful. OH didn't help by calling me selfish and saying I was doing it for attention but I couldn't stop. This started at around midnight and didn't end until around 3AM until OH finally snapped me out of what seemed like a trance. I felt possesed like something was controlling my body and mind, I was having thoughts that were just vile and I couldn't get rid of them. I just dont know what came over me.

I already know I have problems, nothing diagnosed because I am too worried to talk to my doctor. I have a family history of clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, paranoia and skitsophernia (sp?) I think these affect me too, some of them at least and I know I have been covering up voices in my head since I was 12 by blocking them out with sound such as the TV, radio as they tend to come around before I go to sleep. I think this is what triggered last night, I just couldn't block it out and I broke down. To explain the voices, I have two - One is normal me and the other is my voice but it isn't me. I sound so crazy writing this not even my own mother knows this and I only told OH last night (he guessed something was up a long time ago though) . I never get told to hurt anyone, I just hear stupid things like 'He's coming for you' 'Your going to die'. These quite obviously scare me.. I don't know what to do I am too scared and don't know my GP enough to feel comfortable to speak to him. I feel like locking myself away and curling up in a ball forever.

Sorry for this post i NEEDED to let it all out, well done if you made it this far. I will understand if no one replies.

 

[nikki2512]

hi hun,i have a family history of mental illness my mum has bi polar her mum suffered with her nerves too,and my dad suffers with his nerves(gets extremely paranoid),and my older sister has suffered with depression on and off since her teens,i am the only one who doesn't(well sometimes i aren't sure but never been diagnosed with anything anyway),i am just the one who holds the rest together,i really think you need to talk to someone who can help you,if you don't feel comfortable going to the doctors alone could you not ask you mum to go with you?,if you have family history of mental illnesses then surely she will understand you.Completly understand how you feel with your OH too,my OH is never understanding especially when it comes to my dad,i am just used to him and how he is i suppose but OH will say things like he is an attention seeker,etc,suppose if you have never had anyone in your life with a mental illness then it is hard to understand,really hope you get the help you need and feel better soon,it won't go away if you don't get help

 

[Lownthwaite]

Hi sweetie,

From reading your post I think you need to speak to somebody about how you are feeling so you can get the correct treatment.
I have struggled with mental illness myself and had breakdowns and I can understand how hard it is and the fact it is a taboo issue doesn't help.

If you don't feel that you can talk to your GP then is there another doctor you could see? Or you could write down how you feel and when you go into the doctors you could say to the GP "I don't feel comfortable speaking about this outloud so I have written down how I am feeling and I would like to speak to someone about it to make me feel better."

I used to see a CPN (community psychiatric nurse). He encouraged me to write down any feelings I had that I didn't want to vocalise and he could then read them without me not being able to say them due to becoming emotional or embarrased.

Try that and see your GP - is your OH being supportive now?

 

[everdreaming]

it definitely sounds like you need to get to your GP to talk to them about what sort of help you need. If nothing else, they can get you on a waiting list for some therapy assessments to get some proper help, as I can speak from experience that a lot of those waiting lists are quite long and can take a while to get on to.

Don't feel ashamed of what is happening to you, I'm very prone to mental health problems and it is not as uncommon to feel the way you are at the moment.

My whole family thinks it's "attention seeking" to feel depressed or down, especially when it comes to hearing voices or having severe panic attacks, both of which I'm prone to as well. Perhaps your GP can recommend some appropriate help so you can get the support you need to get through this

 

[fuzzballxxx]

i couldnt read and run, i agree with everyone else that you need to see someone and let it all out sending hugs and well wishes.

 

[Faythe]

Didn't want to read and run but I agree with the other girls. I think you need to go and see your doctor and go from there

 

[pandacub]

Definitely go and see your gp, could your OH not go with you? Or your mum?
My OH suffers depression and often has these anxiety & panic attacks.. It is quite scary to watch, your OH probably just said that because he was frightened.
The only way i could get my OH to go to the docs was by asking if he wanted jacob growing up around that. Hes now on a waiting list to see a therapist, though i know itll br a while til be gets one.
I hope everything works out

 

[Torsornin]

*hugs* mental issues are NO fun, and many people don't understand them. Admitting you are having some, doesnt mean you are a bad person, or defective or anything negative - it just means you have an issue. There are many medications and therapies that can help these days there are 2 things. Finding the right medical people who you feel comfortable with and listen to you. And then trusting them and tinkering with the medications till they find the right combination/dose just for you -Unfortunately this isnt cut and dry.

I am willing to bet after you get some help - you will feel loads better all around

*hugs*