I hate wedding planning.

[Kiki1993]

Does anyone else? I use to love it but it gets so complicated, I have done NOTHING .. we know we want to get married, we don't know when, where and how etc! We aren't planning anything in stone right now because there is a lot going on in family just now and we are both on temporary job contracts so we can't book until we have money saved completely.
We are going to florida in april 2015 and considered doing it there but nope. Family hated that idea and tbh i want my family there. We have considered gretna, but then once again wouldnt work because the important people arent well enough to travel and i really want them there. We can't afford a big wedding or anything close to that!
Considered the registry office and just a meal after, but even that is a pain when you bring in transport .... DONT get me started on guest list! I am very close to my family, we live on the same street! So I would want all of them there, however althoug OH family is massive, they aren't close but they are very much "why didnt we get invited" type and every wedding is massive on their side .. Also every time we start planning we get "well you have to invite your third cousins best friend" and we really can't afford that... All we want is main family and close close firends at the wedding and then take them for a meal after, once the meal is over they go home and we go to hotel bed, is that cheeky? I'm not sure on wedding etiquette but i dont like the idea of a big reception, it costs lots of money and you invite so many people you barely know and everyone expects a plus one!
So can someone answer these questions for me because im rambling:
1.did you enjoy planning, if not did you start to once you got more organised?
2.is it acceptable to have the wedding, a meal and that is it. Possibly drinks in the hotel bar if thats allowed? (we would have about 35 people most likely)
3.How do you approach the "oh but you have to invite..." and the "oh wheres my invite?!"
Even if we had the money i dont think i would want a reception, but we have so much coming up, moving out hopefully this year, florida next and im guessing the wedding either before florida or during that same year .. it is so confusing, would be easier if it was just your day but somehow it becomes everyone who is invited and want an invite have an opinion We want the wedding done shortly after florida because we would want to start trying about 6 months- a year after wedding and to meet our TTC date we want want to be married the june/july after florida.

 

[lozzy21]

Do you know what, you just have to get some balls and say "it's my wedding, we will do what we want and if you don't like it then don't bloody come." Otherwise your going to end up hating your day.?

 

[Mummy May]

What Lozzy said. I've enjoyed planning and it only became stressful when the inlaws tried to get involved - we stopped that (we haven't told anyone of our plans, the intimate stuff you know) and the 2nd time it became stressful was when we had to find a new venue with 12 weeks to go lol! You really have to put your foot down with things, if you only want close friends and family then have that! Thats what were doing, we have less than 50 for our day time and about 60 for our evening. Were not having wine on the tables, I'm not being given away... do everything as you want or like Lozzy said, you will hate it. xx

 

[Nevaie]

I had so much of the having to invite this person or that person, it'd be rude not to invite so and so, must invite blah blah even though they won't come, should do it here, can't do it there, ought to do this ect. that I ended up not wanting to get married. I decided it wasn't worth it as at the time it was too much stress and not enough benefit. Now 10 years after getting engaged we're finally planning a wedding again, though this time getting married is purely for practical reasons like easier medical care say so, retirement/social security benefits and boring stuff like that. We've already made the commitment, joined our lives, started a family ect. so I see no reason for a big formal wedding anymore. Most of the family are just happy to see us getting married so aren't as interested in making demands, lol. The remainder forget that we aren't already married so also aren't making any demands.

The few rare ones that are trying to tell us what to do have been told that if they want to pay for it, we might consider. You want me to invite so and so? Sure, but it'll cost X amount. Want an open bar? Okay that's X dollars to cover everyone. That location you love? Ok, it'll cost X amount more than the one I found. No one has offered up any cash yet and the issue is dropped very quickly. I wish I'd thought to do that in the first place. If I'd just worked up the nerve to put my foot down in the first place it'd have been done and over with years ago. Stand your ground and good luck

 

[Kiki1993]

Thanks for the replies Yeah i do get nervous putting the foot down, my family i can but OH family its hard because they arent my family? My OH cant do it either he is kinda mommys boy I brought it up yesterday, well they brought it up asking if we picked a date so i basically said how if we invite all the extended family (cousins we never see, uncles we havent seen in years etc) then we wont be getting married because we cant afford a massive wedding, if it is small like we want with close family and close friends it will be once we are settled in a flat and have time to plan. I made it out joke like though, his mum laughed and said well you can explain to them why they werent invited! I said thats fine, we dont see them so i dont see it coming up. I said that bit more forefully to try make them get the point .. just because they are close with them why should we invite them, i havent seen his cousins except their weddings, and each cousin didnt een know who we were! the bride thought I was her relative not Alan And i appreciate they invited me but i can't afford a big wedding like that

 

[lozzy21]

When doing our list I went through and thought, when was the last time I saw them and if something happened would they be there. Iv got two great aunts I don't see often but if I needed something they would be there in a shot. I have had my mother saying well you need to invite XYZ and iv just literally said no, I don't see them, don't have their phone numbers, I don't even have them on Facebook.

Food wise we just went for a carvery dinner, iv tried keeping Niamh still for 3 course wedding meals and speeches and its not an easy task. His mum and dad (separated) have both said "oh you need a starter, you could do with adding a desert" I just said well that's going to be an extra £300 that we can't afford. Nether said it again or offered to pay.

 

[Mummy May]

Yeah I actually sent save the dates to 2 people I didn't even end up inviting because we didn't see each other/ they couldn't be arsed to make time for me xx

 

[Kiki1993]

Yeah we have went over every possibility of a wedding, depends how well we save his year on what kind of wedding we can have, could be a case of eloping it just depends on money and patience, i.e. how long it wwill take to save and how long we can actually wait... something money wise always comes up and thiss is before we have moved out, car troubles, job changes, the tax people wanting money they over gave, rent to mum, birthdays, christmas of course!
Feels like things get further away rather than closer, our wedding date, moving, our trying dates this time last yer we were trying, in our own place and started actively planning the wedding, meeting venues etc.... this year we are wwaiting for at leaast 2-3 years, started new better jobs but temporary contracts, no longer actively planning and live back at home

 

[Nevaie]

It really depends on what you want. I know people who spend years saving up for a wedding, delaying it year after year due to not having the money. Some go on to have the big wedding, but many give in and eventually just do a cheap quick wedding so they can get it over with and finally be married. I have a couple friends who had small, cheap weddings go on to have the big expensive one on their 5 and 10 year anniversaries due to finally being in a better position to afford it. But the reality is once it's over with most are happy with how it went. It served it's purpose, they're married and that's good enough.

If YOU want the big wedding, then save up and get it. But it doesn't sound like you really do, it sounds like you're happy with something small and are just waffling due to other people's expectations. If you're okay with something simple so that you can do it quicker, there are alot of ways to save money while still having a very nice day. I'm sure there are some cultural differences so maybe some of what's done here to save money isn't as easy or acceptable there. Plus, obviously we have different options depending on lifestyle, who we know, what we know ect. But here's what I've been doing:

The wedding it's self is going to be super cheap. My OH's step father is ordained and wants to do the ceremony. So score, it's free. We're doing it in a local community garden. No idea how that translates as I know 'garden' can have a different meaning outside of the US. Anyways, it's a place with a waterfall, lots of flowers, trees and a small vegetable patch. BEAUTIFUL. And bonus, free for anyone to use, just not private. I'll have immediate family and very close friends only. Maybe 2 dozen people. There's only a handful of tables so I can't be forced to have more than that no matter who tries. Maid of honor for me, best man for OH and that's it, no big bridal party. I set a $400 limit for my dress and OH will wear a nice button up shirt and dress pants that he already owns. I already have some nice jewelry and can do my own hair and makeup. Nothing formal or fancy.

The reception is where I plan to spend the $, but I'm still planning to keep costs down. There will be considerably more invited to the reception than to the wedding. We rented a big enclosed shelter in a park. $500. It has a kitchen and I'll probably have family do the cooking and do a pot luck, where people bring a dish to pass. I'll have water, juice, soda available but beyond that, they can bring their own. People can have alcohol, but I'm not paying for it. I'm printing my own invites and to save even more I'm buying super thick cardstock rather than the kits. $8 for 250 sheets. Another $18 for envelopes. I already did so with my son's birthday invites last summer and they came out awesome. I'll make most of my own decorations, buy cheap flowers (and raid my friend's and family's gardens, lol) arrange them myself and probably just go very simple and sparse on it all anyhow. I'll go all out on a couple nice focus pieces and let the attention be drawn to that. Going all out doesn't mean spending alot either though. I'm reusing everything I can. I have a massive roll of upholstery fabric, it will become table cloths. I have some old warped landscaping timbers in the back yard, they will become a wedding arbor with paint, fabric, lights and beading added. My big spend will be a photographer. I'm getting a deal - using a work from home photographer it'll be around $700 for her time and a disk with all the edited images. I'll print my own as I choose. I'm hoping to either find someone who can do a tiered cake or learn to do one myself. Either way I'll probably just have a small tiered cake and then cheaper sheet cakes of the same flavor. I'm not bothering with much more than that. It should come in under $2500 with everything included, and may end up even cheaper.

Your options will obviously be different, but my point is that it can be done cheap. Just think creatively and be willing to stick to a budget, look for deals and most importantly say NO when needed. Good luck and do what you want. Remember, the end goal is a marriage for you, not a party for everyone else.

 

[Kiki1993]

I think it might be a class difference in this case, My family are "lower class" we have lived well under the poverty line until i started working now we are "working" class but we are very much save for rainy days whereas OH family have always been better off and was a case of they didn't need to think when spending money they just did it knowing they still had money to spare. OH is beginning to realize money doesn't fall from trees especially once we have started looking at moving out again, the wedding etc but i think we made our point in our conversation at his parents, we have found a very reasonable hotel which includes everything, its 4000 and includes everything down to your transport and photography, only other thing we would need is my dress, we just need to work out money in terms of if we are in a mortgage or council house, obviously we wont know that until close to the time but we have started to save for the wedding again, so whatever we have saved in a year and a half will be our budget