I need help... Please someone help me... Anyone

[Benjoneli2001]

I have never posted anything online about my desperation to conceive because I was embarrassed, but I am so desperate, confused, sad and angry at the same time that I decided to sign up and give it a try because I really need to speak out my frustration and feel that I’m not alone. Ten years ago I gave birth to a baby girl at 5 1/2 months pregnant, but two weeks later she died. In my desperation to become a mom, 5 months later my husband and I tried conceiving. I did become pregnant for a second time, but I ended up having another stillbirth at 4 ½ months pregnant, and my baby boy went to heaven with his sister. I was so scared to try after that, that my husband and I decided to give it a rest. The doctor said I had an incompetent cervix and that if I ever decided to become pregnant again I will need a cervical cerclage (stich my cervix) to prevent any early deliveries. Five years later after my last stillbirth my husband and I decided to try again. So back in July 2009 I took my last pack of birth control pill and I became pregnant in August 2009. Unfortunately, even though the doctor placed a cervical cerclage on January 13, 2010 I had another stillbirth at 5 ½ months: This time my cervix didn’t dilate early, but my water broke. I was so sad that I became very depressed, which I had never experienced before even though I had loss 2 beautiful babies. Maybe because three losses just didn’t seem fair, I mean, how much can one woman hold up? I was able to assimilate the loss of two babies, but a third one just seems too much. The doctor said that with this stillbirth he had learned that my previous OB doctor was wrong when he had said that I had an incompetent cervix. IC cases never need induction to deliver because the cervix is already weak enough to open on its own when a cervical cerclage is removed, but in my case I didn’t dilate at all 12 hours after removing it. If I was to conceive again I will need to see a perinatologist instead of an OB doctor, I will need to be seen weekly instead of monthly, complete bed rest, weekly ultrasounds and cervix check-ups to assure no dilation its accruing and most important of all weekly progesterone 17 shots because according to my last OB doctor I happened to have a drastic progesterone drop in the middle of the second trimester. It was so difficult to assimilate the transition from being pregnant with so many plans for the little one in my womb to holding that same little one in arms while he died and figuring out how was I going to survive life without him . After losing my baby I was so scared to even think about trying, and I became a birth control freak I didn’t wanted to try anymore, but this January 2012 I have decided, even though I was scared to death, to try one last time. Sadly, I learned that I have PCOS and do to that I was given Clomid to help me ovulate on May 2012. I didn’t ovulated till August, on my third cycle of 100 mg of Clomid, and I’ve been ovulating since then and still not pregnant. Even though my perinatologist said that if I did everything we have planned that I shouldn’t be afraid and that I WILL have a full term baby I can’t stop feeling so tired, upset, sad, depressed, sensitive, angry and desperate at the same time . I don’t know if this is normal or not. I really don’t know what I should do… I’m so confused. I don’t know if I should just stop trying and give up. The most difficult thing at this moment is that all of my husband’s brothers have children and one of them is even expecting a third one and they didn’t even wanted to be pregnant. I really need an advice from someone. My husband is so understanding, but even though he’s okay if we have a baby or not I know that deep in his heart he really does want a baby, and that kills me Please don’t judge, all I really need is to hear a comforting word, thank you if you took the time to read my, not so happy, lifetime story.

 

[Kkb111211]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have had a miscarriage but have no where near experienced the amount of loss that you have. I think that whatever you are feeling now is normal. Its ok to be scared. Its OK to be confused, hurt, or even angry. You have been through alot! I can't tell you whether you should go through with trying to have another or not. That is your decision. If you were to have another little one and it would be full term, I think the reward of that would be amazing. But I also would not blame you at all for not wanting to try again, you have been through every women who is trying to concieve's nightmare. My heart goes out to you. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

 

[Benjoneli2001]

I'm sorry to read that u had a miscarriage, but I really hope that u get to have a beautiful baby pretty soon. I will keep you in my prayers & pray that everything turns out great for you. As for me, I will continue trying till I feel that I'm not strong enough to continue on with all of these infertility treatments. Thank you so much for your words.
Oh, by the way, r u taking Clomid too?

 

[Kkb111211]

No problem!! I feel like us ladies trying to concieve need to stick together. Even if we have good support systems like our husbands, it's good to talk to someone who feels EXACTLY how we feel. If you ever need to vent, I'm here.

Nope, I'm not on Clomid...yet. I have crazy irregular cycles and am trying to avoid taking medications if I can. I'm currently taking vitex which is supposed to naturally regulate cycles, it can take up to 3 months to fully work, so I'm currently working on having patience. Hoping it will work soon.

Just remember to try to relax a little hunny. I can't imagine the hurt you've been through and I know that relaxing about trying to get pregnant must be difficult. But stressed out bodies make it even harder to concieve and carry a child. My dad had cancer for 3 years before he passed away, I didn't have a period for almost a year because I was so stressed over that situation. Our bodies react to everything we feel. What you've been through is traumatic and I'm sure it affects you.

 

[Benjoneli2001]

Thank you so much for u'r support and most defiantly, u'r so right we should stick together cuz we do need support from other sources, specially from the ones that sympathies with our feeling... And same to u I'll b here when ever u need to speak u'r mind or heart
I will most defiantly relax more and see if my luck changes...and I also want to stop the Clomid for a month or two to see if I can ovulate on my own. I know that the chances of me ovulating without clomid are very small, but after stimulating my ovaries with it I have faith that I might ovulate without it. The doctor said maybe not and maybe yes, I just got to be patient and wait to see what happens. What do think? Do you think I might?



Oh, Happy late, late, late Thanksgiving

 

[Kkb111211]

Thanks for the support also!

I dont really have any experience with clomid but I think anything is possible! If you feel comfortable about skipping Clomid then you should go for. Have you checked out the "TTC After a Loss" boards on here at all? I'm sure there are ladies on there that have gone through situations similar to yours, they might be able to offer you additional support!