I say go, he says no.

[Mbergyhaann]

Hello all! I am new to this site, and this forum, so if I have posted in the wrong place, I apologize. But I need some help. I am 25, married for 2.5 years, together for 6, we both have fabulous jobs, a nice home, and a really good marriage. I am posting because I am so ready for a baby, and he is not. Not as in he never wants kids, but he doesn't want to try this second. We recently had a discussion, and he states "I don't want to plan it, I just want it to happen." The reason this statement is an issue is because I'm not on birth control, and we don't use condoms, but we use the ol' pull out method. When I say keep going, he pulls out. So, things "can't just happen" if he doesn't allow them to just happen. I don't want to rush him, but when I try to talk to him he closes up. I need advice on how to approach this responsibly without ruining what we have and making him feel bad. I would like a time line of when he thinks we could really start trying. Is that reasonable? I'm nervous because we have always used the pull method and We've never conceived-- despite others statements of it not being a trusty method of BC. I love him and I want it to be right for both of us. But I'm hurt at the same time, and hold a little resentment because I feel everything we do is on his own timeline-- when he is ready. I don't want to bring children in this world and he not be ready. But I feel as if he's giving me mixed signals, and I need to know how to address this.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

You need to sit down and have a discussion with him about the specifics. Try to make him see how important it is to you to have a family, and what you two can do to compromise so you're both happy (timeframe, if there's still something he wants to do before children that he hasn't mentioned, etc.). It could be he's just nervous about becoming a father, which is why he's hoping it will "just happen" and then he'll have to deal with it.

Good luck!

 

[Mrs Cupcake]

please dont be concerned your not fertile just because you have never got pregnant using withdrawal. my husband and i have only ever used withdrawal and in 8 years in have never had an accidental pregnancy, yet we conceived both our babies on the first month ttc.

i think you need to sit your husband down and talk seriously about your family plans. i agree it might be nice to know when you will ttc even if that isnt right now. have you discussed how many kids you want and the sort of spacing you want? that might influence your plans.

good luck.

 

[Mbergyhaann]

please dont be concerned your not fertile just because you have never got pregnant using withdrawal. my husband and i have only ever used withdrawal and in 8 years in have never had an accidental pregnancy, yet we conceived both our babies on the first month ttc.

i think you need to sit your husband down and talk seriously about your family plans. i agree it might be nice to know when you will ttc even if that isnt right now. have you discussed how many kids you want and the sort of spacing you want? that might influence your plans.

good luck.

Thanks for the reply! We just want two, and I'd like them 4-5 years apart. He's okay with that as well. It's just the whole starting process that makes him freeze. He's wonderful with kids, discusses names and future plans with me. I think maybe talking with him will help. I just need to be patient but do I put a timeline up for me? Like, "I'm giving you 6 months to make a decision." I'm afraid that may backfire. But I don't want him thinking that just because I stop bringing it up, he doesn't have to think about it anymore.

 

[Reidfidleir]

Why don't you ask him what he thinks is a good timeline? As in, if it were to just happen when would he feel more prepared to deal with it? Also tell him that you are confused and just want to clarify how he feels exactly. Ask him in this way so as not to put pressure on him. True it's not all about him either. So after he gives you a more definitive answer hopefully you could compromise.
Like if he says he might be ready in two more years Maybe you could ask how he would feel about ntnp in a year and then see how things go?

 

[Mrs Cupcake]

def talk to him. i would say only 6 months to make a decision or any sort of ultimatim but perhaps talk about your planned timescale eg you want a baby within 2 years so start xyz etc. perhaps remind him he needs to stop withdrawal in order to actually get a baby!!

 

[madseasons]

def talk to him. i would say only 6 months to make a decision or any sort of ultimatim but perhaps talk about your planned timescale eg you want a baby within 2 years so start xyz etc. perhaps remind him he needs to stop withdrawal in order to actually get a baby!!

^^^^^ WSS

You both need to be on the same page and also know how both of you feel about all of it. I wanted to TTC #2 since fall of LAST year but DH wasn't ready. So I didn't bring it up till fall of this year and now he is okay with it. Sometimes men just need to be ready for it, but the only way you know is to talk to him and be patient (I hate that word BTW )

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[Mbergyhaann]

Thanks everyone for the great advice! He and I sat down and talked, and we decided to start trying in February. So, I'm going to use this time to start taking prenatals and get checked out by the doctor first. Any other suggestions? So happy we reached a good and exciting compromise.

 

[Mbergyhaann]

Why don't you ask him what he thinks is a good timeline? As in, if it were to just happen when would he feel more prepared to deal with it? Also tell him that you are confused and just want to clarify how he feels exactly. Ask him in this way so as not to put pressure on him. True it's not all about him either. So after he gives you a more definitive answer hopefully you could compromise.
Like if he says he might be ready in two more years Maybe you could ask how he would feel about ntnp in a year and then see how things go?

This is really great advice. Thank you so much. I just needed to know how to approach it without hurting his feelings.

 

[Mbergyhaann]

def talk to him. i would say only 6 months to make a decision or any sort of ultimatim but perhaps talk about your planned timescale eg you want a baby within 2 years so start xyz etc. perhaps remind him he needs to stop withdrawal in order to actually get a baby!!

^^^^^ WSS

You both need to be on the same page and also know how both of you feel about all of it. I wanted to TTC #2 since fall of LAST year but DH wasn't ready. So I didn't bring it up till fall of this year and now he is okay with it. Sometimes men just need to be ready for it, but the only way you know is to talk to him and be patient (I hate that word BTW )

Good luck and keep us posted!

Thank you! I hate the word patient, as well!

 

[myangel167]

February! that's soon! congrats & good luck!

 

[Mrs Cupcake]

february is really soon! exciting! get taking your folic acidf and pre-natals.

 

[Mbergyhaann]

February! that's soon! congrats & good luck!

We were afraid if we got lucky and got pregnant right away that he'd be gone when baby Was born. He's deploying for the month of September, and we wanna wait to make sure he's home. And thank you!

 

[Mbergyhaann]

february is really soon! exciting! get taking your folic acidf and pre-natals.

Check and check! ) thank you!

 

[madseasons]

def talk to him. i would say only 6 months to make a decision or any sort of ultimatim but perhaps talk about your planned timescale eg you want a baby within 2 years so start xyz etc. perhaps remind him he needs to stop withdrawal in order to actually get a baby!!

^^^^^ WSS

You both need to be on the same page and also know how both of you feel about all of it. I wanted to TTC #2 since fall of LAST year but DH wasn't ready. So I didn't bring it up till fall of this year and now he is okay with it. Sometimes men just need to be ready for it, but the only way you know is to talk to him and be patient (I hate that word BTW )

Good luck and keep us posted!

Thank you! I hate the word patient, as well!

You're welcome and YEAH! Glad it all worked out for you! Good luck hun!

 

[ParisJeTadore]

Oh wow! Looks like everything has been sorted before I had a chance to reply Congrats! It sounds like you have a plan.

And just to chime in on the pull out method...My husband and I have used this for the last 8 years and have had ZERO accidents with it. When I was ready to get pregnant I conceived three months into trying so don't think you aren't fertile (something I was afraid of for so long)!

 

[Mbergyhaann]

Oh wow! Looks like everything has been sorted before I had a chance to reply Congrats! It sounds like you have a plan.

And just to chime in on the pull out method...My husband and I have used this for the last 8 years and have had ZERO accidents with it. When I was ready to get pregnant I conceived three months into trying so don't think you aren't fertile (something I was afraid of for so long)!

I really was afraid that I wouldn't be fertile, but you all have helped ease my mind thank you!

 

[MellyH]

Come join us in the WTT until February 2014 thread! Yay, glad the talk went well.