I should be happy.... But all I can do is cry

[ashaz]

Well tomorrow is 1 week post D&C. I have been doing ok until today until news that my SIL had her baby. Of course I love my new niece but as always the name that we had planned if it was a girl was used as their new baby girls middle name....Stella.

No one seems to understand. Of course I am happy for them. Of course I love my new niece. I am just sad, jealous and the name was like the final punch. So a so many people are celebrating, I am crying at home with a large pad on due to the bleeding.

My husband is very supportive but I don't think he understands. I think he thinks I am sad because of the new baby....that is not it. It is just a reminder of what just happened less than a week ago. Then this weekend we are going to spend time with some of my husbands uncles that are in town that have previously made comments on how we can 'get' pregnant. Sigh. This week has been so hard....it gets better right ladies?

Sorry just had to vent as I cry writing this. Agree with another post....is it October yet?

 

[ttcmoon]

Dear Ashaz,I am so sorry for you and loads of hugs for you.Your feeling is so common dear and its quite obvious that you wont be happy with your baby's name taken away.I know you are a loving aunt but miscarriage is really hard to bear.And men handle situation differently.They understand but they do not have to go through a DnC or miscarriage physically.
So its the mom and her feelings.I respect all your feelings and that is how it is meant to be.People around are sometimes quite insensitive.Please take your time to recover and never feel alone.It is sad that your situations has brought you to this community, but we all are with you!
I just hope you get your Stella soon!

 

[italianlady14]

Ashaz,

Don't feel bad at all for feeling that way. I had a blighted ovum this past Friday, and got the courage to come to work this week, and my coworker's newborn...3 weeks old...is ALL he talks about. Complaining about not getting sleep. Blah blah blah. And he knows about my m/c. Its not even my kid, or relative, haven't even seen it, but I can't help but get angry on my way to work knowing what I'm going to have to hear. Not only do I have to hear about his baby to remind me of what I lost but then he's complaining?! I promised myself I'm not going to whine about anything if I get to carry a healthy baby full term. Nothing. Its too precious a gift.

And both you and ttcmoon are right. A supportive husband is good and makes a huge difference, but its absolutely impossible for anyone to understand, particularly a man, the physical and emotional heartbreak involved. I've thought about that a lot this past week and could go on and on. But, it basically comes down to everything seems to remind me or rather...slap me in the face...to remind me that I'm not pregnant anymore. From the bleeding, to simple thoughts, to coworker comments...my routine is a mess and full of reminders. I have cried each day in the office bathroom.

I've taken a lot of strength from this posts and my MIL who also had a m/c when she was younger. Hang in there. Don't feel guilty, or bad, or anything about feeling that way. It is natural, and frankly, I don't believe anything but time can get us emotionally recovered. Time and the opportunity to try again, and with that, we have hope again.

God bless.

 

[Topanga053]

Italianlady, I had no patience for people complaining when they knew about my loss. If they did, I would always say something like, "wow, after losing a baby, I would give ANYTHING to hear one crying at night."

It always shut the people right up.

 

[italianlady14]

Thanks Topanga. I think I'll use that one next time.

 

[Starry Night]

ashaz - I'm so sorry that you're dealing with a new baby in the family so shortly after your loss. It is very normal to feel the way you are. A few weeks after my d&c in May my brother told me he and his wife were expecting a baby and it will be due shortly after mine should have been. It's not even the first time I miscarried while they were pregnant. This is the second time it happened. The other baby was easier because she was pregnant first and I was excited about it even before I found out I was pregnant but this time I was pregnant first and the news coming so shortly after my loss made it so hard to bear. I still am not excited and I fear I won't be able to ever love that baby. I cry everytime I hear about an update on the pregnancy.

It really is tough and I'm so sorry for your loss.

And I agree about having to hear people complain. I had one friend whine to me about being "so fat" a few weeks after my loss last fall. One, she is one of those very, very thin girls who gets a basketball-sized bump and didn't show until 7 months and two, I would give ANYTHING to feel fat. Thankfully, I had another friend in the room who quickly changed the subject when she saw I had tears coming into my eyes. But I still cried all the way home.

 

[ashaz]

Thanks everyone. I haven't posted for the past few days because it has been so hard. I am excited for my niece but still so mad and sad. I started showing at 5 weeks and still have tummy now so having to still wear, maternity clothes to now hide my mc is devastating. Then I kept feeling like I am taking it out on those that love me most like my husband. I feel like I am becoming depressed but maybe all this is normal?

Prior to finding out we're pg we were told we would not likely be able to get pg even with IVF so this was really a miracle. We had even started the process of adoption. Now that we lost this little bean I feel I have no idea what to do. Con't with adoption? Try again? We waited for over a year with this one and even the doctors were shocked we got pg. in a sense I want a baby, whether genetically mine or not, but now my hubby is so sure we can get pg again he wants to wait despite what the doc says. If one more person tells me that I will likely get pg quickly after a mc I am going to scream.

I hear everyone about friends either complaining about pg symptoms or their new babies....if only they knew what we would due to be in their shoes.

 

[Topanga053]

Ashaz, I don't know what's causing your fertility problems, but my parents were told they would never have a child. They were given a 1 in 6 million chance of ever conceiving because my mom only ovulated every 12-18 months (no luck with Clomid) and my dad had motility issues. They unexpectedly got pregnant a few years later, but when my mom miscarried early on, they went back to assuming they would be childless. Within a year, she unexpectedly got pregnant again and nine months later gave birth to me! So there is always hope. Couples defy the odds all the time.

 

[Starry Night]

ashaz - I'm so sorry that you lost your little miracle. It sounds like you're in a tough place and I wouldn't even know how to begin to make such big decisions. I could so easily say "this is what I'd do" but I don't really know because I've never been in that situation. But right now it might be best to take time to grieve your little angel before trying to look ahead. And yes, it is normal to feel depressed. Depression is a natural part of grief. And even after a m/c a woman can get post partum depression so that's something you may want to keep it in mind. I've had that after my first and my loss this past spring. I'm still feeling the effects of it so you need to give yourself time.

I take things out on poor DH a lot but it's something we do need to be careful about. Our DHs are the best place to go for support and they're grieving too though not in the same way.