I think I need help

[divadexie]

I thought I had been feeling ok!

But recently I have been getting stressed much easier and finding myself having to put LO down and walk out of the room more she goes through an awkward patch once in a while where she just gulps loads of air down and takes so long to feed and that really stresses me out because of the HV always ranting on about weight and if LO drops on the centiles shes just like ''omg you must see the doctor'.


My next door neighbour is pregnant and I can't bring myself to ask how she is doing! How stupid is that!!?? I feel like there must have been something I did and its all my fault.
I blame myself for LO having these awkward eating episodes because I think it is because she was so early.


Then a relative posts on FB about her baby taking her first steps and I am sad and irritated that Lo wont do things when other babies can!



I am watching friends and rachel having her baby shower and then that makes me sad because I keep getting upset that I missed the whole third trimester and the whole birth thing!!!


What do I do??

I know OH is going to make a big deal over it because when we got in a big row he told me I ought to speak to the doctor about it and I said it was just because I was tired.


I am increasingly getting irritated at being 'stuck' in the house because I have no babysitter and no friends. I have a go at Oh when he gets invited round to his friends.
Then we all get invited to go and see our friends up in edinburgh and I don't want to go! Because of the stress! LO doesnt eat well when she is out, our car is too small to fit 2 kids, buggy, travel cot and bags, have to find dog sitters ahhhhh I generally just feel fed up

 

[AP]

Hey hunny
You've been brave enough to post this, and it's sooooooo common.

You imagine everything just to be perfect when LO gets home, but often enough when you take a preemie home the preemie journey doesnt get left at neonatal.

I did not admit to myself for a long time that I had PND. I didnt want to do anything or go anywhere, kept cancelling on friends and everything. The minute I spoke to the doctor it became clear I needed a wee bit of help!
I know you've had a tough time with reflux too. and its soul detroying,isnt it. I used to just hand LO over to OH when she was sick for the millionth time. One night, I even walked out at 3am just to regain some sanity.

Its not wrong to walk away. Sometimes you need a few minutes to regain yourself, and LO will be happy too.

Do speak to the doctor. I did get put on mild anti depressants and was on them until the bump arrived, but I really did think they help. Never wanted to admit that but they did.

 

[nineena]

Hey hun you're so brave to have posted this, braver than i am.

There's lots and lots of support available if you're struggling and you should speak to your GP about it as theres lots of things to help. How's your HV been with you, is she supportive aside form the weight gain/centile things?

Ive been feeling a lot like this lately too and passing Ella to hubby as soon as he gets in from work and getting annoyed at Ella when she wont feed feeling that shes just doing it to annoy me and being arkward. Have gotten very snappy and stressed out too and not really wanting to go out anywhere. Really know i should spk to someone about how im fln too infact im going to raise it with HV when i finally see her on Fri. xxxx

 

[Sugarmuppet]

Hope you do speak to Doc and get some help.

You are doing such a wonderful job, just look how far your LO has come!

Where do you live? I am in and around Moffat quite often are you near there?

 

[Agiboma]

You have been through a lot and it has not been easy inwould suggest speaking to a doctor their is nothing wrong with that i am in counseling right now because of all the stress I been through

 

[divadexie]

Thank you for replying I feel a bit better getting it out!

I left the kids with a friend for an hour or so til me and OH went shopping and felt much better when I came back, and LO was drinking her milk ok then half way through she just started spitting it all over and I got fed up again. So yeah, I can see I have irrational mood swings!
My HV is Useless! I hate her really. I think I will make an appointment at the doctor.
But I am scared to say thing like I get annoyed with LO and hav to put her down and leave the room incase they call social services or something! I mean its not like I leave her to scream for ages, just til I calm down but I dont want anyone to think I would even dream of hurting her if I hadnt left the room, I never would!

Social services tried to take my son away before because I was depressed and had been crashing at a friends me and him, for support and I left my flat in a state, my flatmate and his friend were staying there and made even more mess and I couldn't prove where I was staying so I got into a load of crap for that and they made me let my sons gran look after him he was there for like 3 weeks and I gave up and moved back home to my mum. I had to rehome my lab and my puppy doberman got taken off my flatmate because he didnt feed him, then my collie cross had to be rehomed cos she was too much work for my dad.

Now saying all of that and why I hate the social so much but it has just made it make more sense to go to the doctor because it was really bad back then and I dont want that to happen again!

 

[Agiboma]

good idea cause you really need to discuss these issues, so you can feel better, gl hun

 

[AP]

But I am scared to say thing like I get annoyed with LO and hav to put her down and leave the room incase they call social services or something! I mean its not like I leave her to scream for ages, just til I calm down but I dont want anyone to think I would even dream of hurting her if I hadnt left the room, I never would!

No no!! Thats what my HV ADVISES. Theres nothing more responsible that putting LO somewhere safe and take a bit of a breather. You'd be wrong for let it build up! You're not superwoman hunny, no-one is.

 

[katy1310]

I was just going to say that as well about leaving LO while you take a breather for a minute - much as I get annoyed with my HV, that is one piece of good advice that she has given me! She said to me just last week that if a baby is crying and crying, or just acting up and you can't handle it any more, make sure the are safe and just go into the garden for a few minutes or whatever.

Honestly you are not alone in feeling like this. I've had these feelings myself. In fact I didn't get to sleep on Saturday night until 6am because of thinking through everything about Sophie's prematurity and it was almost like I was getting flashbacks to the time before I had her when I knew there was a problem, her being born, and then all the time through neonatal. I totally get all those feelings the same as you about missing out on the 3rd trimester, giving birth etc and I can't watch things like that episode of Friends. I keep on thinking that Sophie being so premature was my fault in some way - even though when I'm being rational I know that pre eclampsia isn't caused by anything that the mother does.

I don't think DH understands why sometimes I don't want to see people or I get frustrated with visitors etc. Sometimes I just get so so so tired and just want to shut myself away and can't be bothered with seeing anyone.

I'm so happy and thankful that Sophie was born safe and well and that she is happy and healthy and I keep telling myself how lucky we are but it still doesn't somehow take away that feeling of missing the third trimester etc. I was just thinking yesterday how I totally don't feel like I had a baby this year. I can't picture what it was like to be pregnant and I do feel like I was never pregnant and never gave birth yet we have a baby. I've not had any trouble at all in bonding with her since she came home and I absolutely adore her but still a little bit of me feels like am I really really her mummy, and will she know I am her mummy? Not sure if that even makes sense! It's just weird feeling that I was never pregnant but having a baby here.

Also when Sophie does something that to me is a major achievement, like rolling over, or wriggling her way right round so she is completely not where I left her, if I say that to any friends of fullterm babies of a similar age to Sophie's corrected age they're like "Oh my baby does that too"....yes, but your baby was born at 40+ weeks weighing not all that much less than Sophie weighs now! It's a big deal to me that Sophie is doing things I somehow could never imagine her doing when we were watching her lying in that incubator! And especially doing them at the right time for her corrected age - that is huge to me!

I do think you should go to the doctor - you are so not alone in feeling like this and there is no shame in it at all. Lots and lots of mothers get PND even after fullterm babies let alone what we all went through.

Please try not to beat yourself up, you're a great mum and even the fact that you posted this shows that! Anna is doing absolutely great - I saw her when she was just a few days old and she was so tiny and fragile-looking...I was just looking at her latest pics on FB this morning and she looks absolutely amazing - you can see from those pictures that she is a very happy, well cared for little baby.

 

[divadexie]

Thank you xx