I think I'm going to leave my OH :'(

[bsd]

Okay so this will probably be long but.. I seriously dont even know what to say or where to start. I guess I'll start off by saying how much I love my OH and how happy we are together. We always want to be around eachother and we have a great relationship. Not only are we best friends but I can tell he truly loves me so much, and that is so important to me.

I'm literally bawling my eyes out right now I seriously think I need to leave him.

Okay so we've had issues before just like any other couple and we've always worked through them. He's done and said some pretty mean stuff before, but he eventually realizes what he did and is truly sorry for it, he always apologizes. (Which I think it's important that he recognizes what he does so he doesn't do it in the future)

So we've come a long way and he's been better and better. The same stuff he apologizes for he does them again and again, and I think he's doing better (meaning it's happening less often). For example if he's inconsiderate of my feelings, doesn't listen to what I want, is rude to me, ect. All things he defends himself for in the begining and then apologizes for it later when I finally make my point and he FINALLY realizes where I'm coming from. (Sometimes it takes days to get to that point.)

Anyway the one thing I can't stand more than anything else he's ever done, is when he lies to me. I've caught him in lies several times, and they are always just so stupid. I told myself if I was ever with a guy who lies to me I'd leave him right away, lying is my BIGGEST problem. But the reason my OH has lied in the past is because he doesn't want me to get mad at him or get upset with him.. and I know that's no excuse.. but I can be really hard on him sometimes so I can see how he's literally scared of me and what I'll think. He's done it several times and more and more i really do think it gets better. BUT I have such a hard time trusting him now, and I literally caught him lying straight to my face tonight. (I asked him not to drink, he did anyway, when I asked him if he did end up drinking he said no and I KNEW he was lying so I just looked away pissed of. He realized he was caught and then fessed up to it 5 seconds later)

So you see it's literally over the stupidest things, and there is always some sort of circumstance that makes his lies 'okay'. Tonight, for example, it was his brothers wedding so I could see why he wanted to drink. He had already been drinking so I had my reasons to tell him not to anymore, but still its his brothers wedding so I am going to end a 3 year relationship because he drank on his brothers wedding when I asked him not to?

Well I guess I just want to leave him because he lied to me. He's done it to me so many times before (at least 10 that I know of) and even though they are all small and they have their 'reasons' for him doing it I just keep giving him chances. I DONT want to be that girl! If he can lie to me now I know that 10 years later down the road when we are married he's going to lie to me about cheating on me or something so much worse. I'm going to keep getting hurt and I don't want that. I love him so much other than this stupid bull crap (that only happens once in a while really) we are so happy together! I was so excited to have his baby, and although I'm obviously still excited to have my son, I cant look forward doing it with him anymore. I want to so bad but I feel like I'm being stupid staying with someone who can literally lie to my face over and over.

I've lied too though, once before... so I just feel like people lie and maybe if he see's how serious I am that I'm going to leave him he'll really stop. But like I've said this has happened more than once, and I've even left him before (only to go back to him) so he knows how serious it is. How many chances do I give him? I'm not that type of girl at all who see's she's in a bad situation and stays there... but I don't want to throw away what we have if it's something we can work on. You are suppose to be married through thick and thin.. is just lying something we should work through? Or is it really considered off the charts when he deliberately hurts me over and over. Thick and thin? Is being with someone who hurts me and lies to me considered thin?? I just don't know what to do I'm literally so upset I cannot stop crying and I have no idea what the right decision is, even though I know I'm the only one who can make this decision.

 

[smatheson]

so sorry you are going through this. My OH and I went through the same thing. We both were lying to each other about stupid crap and it ruined our relationship. We decided to try and work it out and we were able to but it takes a serious commitment to not lie to each other and it takes a lot of work. I think once you lie it just gets easier and easier to lie so you keep doing it. It takes a lot of courage to not lie after that. It isn't possible, but it isnt easy either.

It sounds like you really love him. I would sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you are considering leaving him if he doesn't stop lying. If he really wants to be with you he will chase you and he will change. Also couples counseling is another option. It did wonders for us being able to get things out on the table and being able to work through our problems with mediation. If you feel like the relationship is unfixable then please don't hesitate to leave because it really isn't ok to be so stressed while pregnant. You and your baby's health is the main priority right now.

 

[Abigail8673]

Sorry hun but you dont need that crap. Someone that really loves you wont hurt you. longer hes around more time your wasting. If he lies and you cant depend on him neither can your baby. if hes not treating you like crap (being rude, etc) he will treat your baby like that too. Been through too many relationships like that words of experience. it will suck and youll cry, sleep all day, cry, eat cheesecake, buy a kitten- Do what ever it takes to move on.

 

[bsd]

Thank you ladies I really appreciate the replies.

I'm so torn on what to do.. I've honestly only lied to him once this whole relationship.. he's done it multiple times that I know of. And even though he's getting better he can STILL lie to me and that's a big problem. I can't lie to him, there's no way I love him too much! And I feel like if he truly cared about me he shouldn't be able to either. I'll never be able to trust him again, we've been working on that and when I say 'we' I mean him doing everything he can to earn my trust back. But now I seriously feel like that will never happen no matter what he does. I just don't want to throw our relationship away. We really get along so great he is truly my best friend. I've thought about counseling.. for the first time tonight actually. Maybe if he herd from a specialist he's is really a jerk for doing crap like that he'll change. I do sit down and talk with him our relationship is great we are able to do that really well, and by the end of it I feel so much better and he really sees the direction he needs to go in, but it happens again!

But I agree that I don't need this crap! If you really love me you shouldn't be able to lie straight to my face, multiple times over and over and then continue to do it. I would NEVER let myself settle for someone like that and it kills me that I just keep taking him back every time. How many times is too much until one day I find out he's been lying to me about another girl or something worse. I just can't see myself with out him right now. I love him to death and I couldn't wait to raise our son together. Now all of a sudden the scary realization that we might have to do it separately and aren't getting married just freaks me out. I can't even picture it.. but I know if I had to I could do it.

I just dont want to make the wrong decision.. I don't want to leave him because other than the stupid crap once in a while he's great. He supports me physically, emotionally, and financially. He does cute adorable things like leave me notes and call me beautiful AT LEAST once a day. This is why this is so hard for me because he really is a great guy, but he's a liar. And I will always wonder our whole life if he's lying to me about something. I think I'm going to right him a big note explaining everything to him (again..) and letting him know I am leaving him. He'll probably still live here for a while and it'll be weird to work everything out where we aren't sleeping together and what not but I know how much it will kill him and I know he'll fight for me like crazy. It so hard for me to stay strong and not take him back. I just can't be with someone who can hurt me like that over and over.. he can clearly do it again and thats why I feel like an idiot staying.

 

[MummyMana]

Maybe rather than tackling the problem from the angle that he has lied, look at it from the angle that he's scared to tell you the truth? I really don't think it's worth throwing away such an amazing relationship, even if he has flaws, he wouldn't be human if he didn't

 

[bsd]

Maybe rather than tackling the problem from the angle that he has lied, look at it from the angle that he's scared to tell you the truth? I really don't think it's worth throwing away such an amazing relationship, even if he has flaws, he wouldn't be human if he didn't

I just feel like I'm giving myself an excuse when I look at it at that way. I try to 'justify' his lies, I'll tell myself "well he did it because of this.." or "I can understand why he did this.." but I don't want to leave him and I'm scared that plays a big role in it. He can literally look me straight in the eye and not tell me the truth, I feel like there is no excuse for doing that over and over, maybe once or twice we can work through it, but almost 10 times? I could never do that to him. I feel bad though because I know he's human and I don't want to just throw it away But I'm just scared years from now he's going to be lying about a lot worse things than this and it'll be my fault for staying with him. Not to mention, I don't trust him at all anymore. I haven't for a while because of this and even though he's been trying really hard to build it back he keeps lying and it just breaks me down more and more. Every day I wonder if he telling me the truth because I'm so paranoid he's lying again. I just feel like eventually I'm going to get the point where I don't love him anymore because of how many times he's hurt me.. already I have new feelings I haven't before (for example I used to want to work it, now I just want to get the heck away from him because I'm so mad at him).

I just don't what approach to take anymore. If he can lie to me over and over than it's stupid of me to stay right? But I love him so much and I'm throwing away EVERYTHING I've looked forward to the rest of my life. I guess I shouldn't look at it as I'm throwing it away just because I'm the one breaking it off.. I do have reasons and I really shouldn't blame myself This is just so hard.

 

[starshinebby]

Maybe rather than tackling the problem from the angle that he has lied, look at it from the angle that he's scared to tell you the truth? I really don't think it's worth throwing away such an amazing relationship, even if he has flaws, he wouldn't be human if he didn't

I agree with MummyMana. I mean, he does lie and that shouldn't be taken lightly, but he's lying about stupid things. Why? Because he's scared of telling you the truth because of how you react. Seems to me that communication isn't that open. There's no reason why he should feel like he needs to lie to hide little things. He should feel like he can talk to you about it and that you both can compromise.

I don't like my OH drinking either, but after a hard day at work I agree with him that he is entitled to a beer or two as he relaxes while I fix him something to eat. Our compromise is that he doesn't over do it, whether it's after work or hanging out with his friends, he must tell me he's drinking and to never over do it and come home plastered. (We used to party on weekends before we got pregnant.) It is hard at times to reach a compromise, but that's what relationships are all about. Compromise.

I think that before you kick him to the curb, because it really does sound like you both have a great relationship besides this, you should talk to him and ask him why he feels the need to lie to you about stupid things. You'll probably find that it has something to do with the way you react to things. He might feel that it's easier to lie to you about having a drink than to talk to you about it before hand or deal with your reaction afterwards. Which isn't a good thing, but it's almost how a child would feel it's better to lie about his grades than face his parents reaction. Even though they'll find out eventually (like you do) he doesn't have to deal with that reaction right then.

Again, really think about it from his perspective. If he's only lying about trivial things, nothing major, and hasn't cheated or done you wrong in any other way, I don't see why you both can't work it out. Especially since you have a child involved and you're so close to giving birth.

 

[missmiylove]

Maybe rather than tackling the problem from the angle that he has lied, look at it from the angle that he's scared to tell you the truth? I really don't think it's worth throwing away such an amazing relationship, even if he has flaws, he wouldn't be human if he didn't

I agree with MummyMana. I mean, he does lie and that shouldn't be taken lightly, but he's lying about stupid things. Why? Because he's scared of telling you the truth because of how you react. Seems to me that communication isn't that open. There's no reason why he should feel like he needs to lie to hide little things. He should feel like he can talk to you about it and that you both can compromise.

I don't like my OH drinking either, but after a hard day at work I agree with him that he is entitled to a beer or two as he relaxes while I fix him something to eat. Our compromise is that he doesn't over do it, whether it's after work or hanging out with his friends, he must tell me he's drinking and to never over do it and come home plastered. (We used to party on weekends before we got pregnant.) It is hard at times to reach a compromise, but that's what relationships are all about. Compromise.

I think that before you kick him to the curb, because it really does sound like you both have a great relationship besides this, you should talk to him and ask him why he feels the need to lie to you about stupid things. You'll probably find that it has something to do with the way you react to things. He might feel that it's easier to lie to you about having a drink than to talk to you about it before hand or deal with your reaction afterwards. Which isn't a good thing, but it's almost how a child would feel it's better to lie about his grades than face his parents reaction. Even though they'll find out eventually (like you do) he doesn't have to deal with that reaction right then.

Again, really think about it from his perspective. If he's only lying about trivial things, nothing major, and hasn't cheated or done you wrong in any other way, I don't see why you both can't work it out. Especially since you have a child involved and you're so close to giving birth.

I agree with every single thing she said...

look at yourself .. as women we nag our men.. we find problems in them & forget to look at ourselves & see that we might be apart of the problem.

Im married & I have had to learn to

1. LET THINGS GO.
2. DONT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF EVERY LITTLE THING HE DOES THAT I DONT LIKE.


pick & choose your battles.

Maybe he's too scared to tell you the truth about the simplest/smallest things because YOU flip out easily.

 

[bsd]

Maybe rather than tackling the problem from the angle that he has lied, look at it from the angle that he's scared to tell you the truth? I really don't think it's worth throwing away such an amazing relationship, even if he has flaws, he wouldn't be human if he didn't

I agree with MummyMana. I mean, he does lie and that shouldn't be taken lightly, but he's lying about stupid things. Why? Because he's scared of telling you the truth because of how you react. Seems to me that communication isn't that open. There's no reason why he should feel like he needs to lie to hide little things. He should feel like he can talk to you about it and that you both can compromise.

I don't like my OH drinking either, but after a hard day at work I agree with him that he is entitled to a beer or two as he relaxes while I fix him something to eat. Our compromise is that he doesn't over do it, whether it's after work or hanging out with his friends, he must tell me he's drinking and to never over do it and come home plastered. (We used to party on weekends before we got pregnant.) It is hard at times to reach a compromise, but that's what relationships are all about. Compromise.

I think that before you kick him to the curb, because it really does sound like you both have a great relationship besides this, you should talk to him and ask him why he feels the need to lie to you about stupid things. You'll probably find that it has something to do with the way you react to things. He might feel that it's easier to lie to you about having a drink than to talk to you about it before hand or deal with your reaction afterwards. Which isn't a good thing, but it's almost how a child would feel it's better to lie about his grades than face his parents reaction. Even though they'll find out eventually (like you do) he doesn't have to deal with that reaction right then.

Again, really think about it from his perspective. If he's only lying about trivial things, nothing major, and hasn't cheated or done you wrong in any other way, I don't see why you both can't work it out. Especially since you have a child involved and you're so close to giving birth.

Thank you everyone for your replies!!

I initially felt like I was just being one of those stupid girls staying with someone who I KNOW can lie to me and probably will again. I deserve so much better than that and just felt like an idiot for staying. Since I can't ever hurt him like that I don't know how he can love me the same and still hurt me.

BUT, I think you're exactly right that it's like a child lying about his grades. I told him I'd stay if we worked on it together. He honestly at first said we shouldn't work it out because he knows he's going to do it again and he doesn't want to hurt me. At first I was pissed he could say that.. how could you not want to try!? But I realized its because he loves me so much, he doesn't want to hurt me like that again and he even thinks I deserve better. But I love him to death and we really are one of those cute corny couples who are perfect for eachother. So even though I know it'll probably happen again with something stupid.. I'm staying anyway. I feel like yes, all those little times he lies will have me crying and hurt, but me leaving him right now, 20 days before my due date would hurt me SO much more than anything. And then I'd always wonder if we should have stayed and worked it out.

So I don't know what the next step is now though! Even he doesn't understand why he lies. He knows it'd be so much more easier on me if he just told me the truth. He knows my reaction to him doing something wrong behind my back, is soo much better than my reaction to catching him lie about it. I've even proved that to him. He admits its just a selfish act to save his ass, but I dont get it I have a hard time understanding where he's coming from.. I mean I was a kid before too I used to lie just like that for the same reason! But I grew up and realized the truth is the adult and mature way to go always.. so I don't get how he still see's lying as an option, and we BOTH dont know how to work on it. He literally just needs to start telling me the truth more but its not that easy for him so I don't know!?

And now our trust in this relationship has gone right down the toilet. I'll never know if he's telling the truth or lying about something stupid. Whenever I'm not with him I'll always worry and I'll always question him. That's going to put a lot of strain on him, and on this relationship. It'll be hard work but I have high hopes we'll be able to figure it out!

I really appreciate everyone replying, it's helped me through this EXTREMELY rough weekend. I thought I was going into labor because I was crying so much! I've never cried that much in a 24 hour period in my entire life!

 

[x__amour]

I don't think that's worth throwing away your relationship, especially now you need his support most. Talk to him.

 

[starshinebby]

Thank you everyone for your replies!!

I initially felt like I was just being one of those stupid girls staying with someone who I KNOW can lie to me and probably will again. I deserve so much better than that and just felt like an idiot for staying. Since I can't ever hurt him like that I don't know how he can love me the same and still hurt me.

BUT, I think you're exactly right that it's like a child lying about his grades. I told him I'd stay if we worked on it together. He honestly at first said we shouldn't work it out because he knows he's going to do it again and he doesn't want to hurt me. At first I was pissed he could say that.. how could you not want to try!? But I realized its because he loves me so much, he doesn't want to hurt me like that again and he even thinks I deserve better. But I love him to death and we really are one of those cute corny couples who are perfect for eachother. So even though I know it'll probably happen again with something stupid.. I'm staying anyway. I feel like yes, all those little times he lies will have me crying and hurt, but me leaving him right now, 20 days before my due date would hurt me SO much more than anything. And then I'd always wonder if we should have stayed and worked it out.

So I don't know what the next step is now though! Even he doesn't understand why he lies. He knows it'd be so much more easier on me if he just told me the truth. He knows my reaction to him doing something wrong behind my back, is soo much better than my reaction to catching him lie about it. I've even proved that to him. He admits its just a selfish act to save his ass, but I dont get it I have a hard time understanding where he's coming from.. I mean I was a kid before too I used to lie just like that for the same reason! But I grew up and realized the truth is the adult and mature way to go always.. so I don't get how he still see's lying as an option, and we BOTH dont know how to work on it. He literally just needs to start telling me the truth more but its not that easy for him so I don't know!?

And now our trust in this relationship has gone right down the toilet. I'll never know if he's telling the truth or lying about something stupid. Whenever I'm not with him I'll always worry and I'll always question him. That's going to put a lot of strain on him, and on this relationship. It'll be hard work but I have high hopes we'll be able to figure it out!

I really appreciate everyone replying, it's helped me through this EXTREMELY rough weekend. I thought I was going into labor because I was crying so much! I've never cried that much in a 24 hour period in my entire life!

Thanks great that you've decided to stay and work it out. Remember that men are a bit behind us when it comes to growing up, it also might be a habit that just needs time to be broken. Just like cigarettes, even though I stopped cold-turkey, I can't expect everyone else to do the same. It's the same with any bad habit.

Also remember that you both are young (what's you and your OH's age?) so you both still have a lot of growing up to do. The best sign that you both will be able to work through this (and it will take time) is that he IS trying. It took my OH a while to break the habit, but after constantly reassuring him that I won't get angry if he just told the truth the first time as most of the time I just want to know what's going on and have an opinion on the matter as what he does effects me as well. Why? Because we're in a relationship. And a relationship considers not only your needs and wants but the other person as well.

After explaining it to him that way, he understood a little more and would ask my opinion on things before he just agreed to them. Even with family (as he doesn't remember every single appointment and thing I have scheduled, which is a typical guy thing and I don't mind being the schedule keeper, lol) he still asks me if it's alright with me or if we had anything planned that day. For example, he'll let me know that he's going to go help his dad with some yard work and will most likely have some beer afterwards and that he'll call me after they're done and give me a heads up if anything comes up. And by him just doing that simple thing we avoid a lot of conflict. I know it seems like a simple common sense thing to do, but for some people (namely men) it often slips their mind and we end up calling, texting, and consequentially, nagging them.

I also find that if he does lie and he fesses up to it soon after that I shouldn't get too mad as it was a slip up and he corrected himself. But being pregnant I do tend to blow things out of proportion, but the sooner we make up the better. I tell him how I was wrong and what I should have done instead, and he does the same. (I shouldn't have overreacted over something so little; and he'd say something like I shouldn't have reacted to what you said the way I did, I know you're just a little hormonal sometimes). It's all about how you fix the problem sometimes, and it helps correct the habit of lying and overreacting by acknowledging where it went wrong. For both of us, if we don't make up that way, we'll both be stuck in horrid moods and things will just get worse. And sometimes it takes a lot in a hormonal fit to be the bigger person and say sorry first. But after that we're fine.

You can't really tackle this head on as you've already explained how his lying hurts you, so it'll be more like dealing with it as they come. Hopefully after thoroughly explaining yourself, what you expect from him (i.e. letting you know what's going on, telling you the truth about what he's doing), and acknowledging that you have reacted badly in the past and that you plan on changing as well, he might not feel so singled out as the one in the wrong and work harder this time to meet your expectations. A lot of times when we point the finger at them they feel as though it's all their fault (which is why he feels you deserve better) but WE must acknowledge out loud that we do hold some responsibility for the way they act.

And always do this in a calm manner, it'll get the point across much better than trying to explain all of this in the heat of the moment. (No offense but men, especially young men, are still acting like teenagers meaning with some things you can treat the situation as if though you were dealing with a child. Obviously yelling and screaming at a child will only make things worse. Same with them. But don't tell them this!)

Also I understand that there are some young men that aren't like this and are very mature for their age. My OH is very mature with some things and then can be right along with my two-year-old brother being as childish as ever. Lol.

It'll take some time, but you both seem like you are very in love and committed to your relationship which is what makes a long-lasting relationship. You both will work through and over come this rough spot and look back at this years from now thankful that you stuck it out.

(And sorry for the wall of text. Just wanted to make sure I explained things as best as I could.)

 

[bsd]

I really appreciate you taking the time to give me that advice!!

I'm 20 and he just turned 19 in November. He's pretty mature for his age but still loves acting like a child! I know I frustrate him sometimes because I've always been the logical safe mommy figure, and he's been the jokster child fooling around behavior, so I'm sure he feels like I nag him a lot.

When it comes to him lying, I think it's more of "I want to get away with it attitude" like a child. Its frustrating because I've explained to him how telling the truth will in turn make me feel better about what he did that I didn't like, and that he would be surprised with my reaction if he just tried! He's even seen that because I've worked on it the past few years. I think it's just such a bad habit for him to cover it up rather than facing it. I know he's trying and I think more and more he realized how much easier it'll be for him to just tell me.

I'm worried about our trust though, I'll always wonder if he's lying to me. When he isn't lying to me but I question him more anyway (because idk if he is) he gets really offended, I try to explain to him he needs to work with me like I work with him because it will take LOTS of time, and he's frustrated with that but he understands. He knows he does it to himself. I feel really bad about it but don't know how else I can get his trust back unless I see he has no problem answering my questions and isn't doing anything sneaky.

One thing that really frustrates him with the whole me not trusting him thing, is when he wants to hang out with his friends. That's where I've caught him lying the most, and his friends aren't as responsible and mature as he is. They do some pretty stupid stuff that frankly I'm afraid of, and my OH isn't the type of person to stand up to a crowd and say no. I still wonder to this day if there's things he hasn't told me that he's done with his friends, and I get so anxiety about it that he doesn't even go out with them at all because of how I react. And I know that's not right but I don't know what else to do!

I want to hang out with him and his friends together, so I can see how he reacts with them and how he will turn down the stupid stuff, but that never happens. They always somehow ask him to hang out the one time me and the OH aren't together.. and I know he wants to hang out with his friends alone but that is suspicious to me! He knows what he needs to do to earn my trust back and he just doesn't wanna do it sometimes.. but he needs to see how incredibly hard this is for me! If it were the other way around he probably wouldn't even be with me because he'd be so afraid I was lying to him the whole time!

Anyway.. now I'm ranting about our deep relationship issues we've been trying to work through the past 3 years. Most of the time they don't even bother us because we are ALWAYS together and the only times he lies to me is when we aren't. Sometimes we'll fight when those random times come up where I'm not with him and his friends ask him to hang out. He gets so sick of me saying no but I tell him that he needs to let me come along for a little while at least so I'm comfortable! I do not trust him and he hates that but knows why obviously. I just wish he never lied to me ever, so we wouldn't be going through this stuff. I want to be a normal couple and hopefully one day we get there!