I think I'm losing my bond with my son

[Yorkshiredad]

Hi all, I'm fairly new to all this forum stuff but I just need some advice from someone impartial.

About 5 weeks ago my partner left me for another man she'd only met the previous night and so now we share custody of our 18 month old son, but I'm starting to feel like the bond he and I once shared is rapidly slipping away.

Our setup is that she has him 1 week and I have him the next (Luckily I work from home so I can easily fit work around this) and while I was initially for this idea I'm starting to think it's causing more harm than good.

Before the split I was his primary parent, I did all his meals, changed his nappies, put him in the bath and to bed, etc. and so as you can imagine we had a very strong bond together but in the 5 weeks since the split though he's gone from the happiest child you can possibly imagine to one that throws tantrums for no reason and spends a good portion of the day crying uncontrollably.

The worst part for me though is how he reacts towards me when I go to collect him. He backs away from me and screams blue murder if I try and go near him. The most recent occasion, this past weekend, it took me 4 hours to settle him down enough to let me hold him. The fact that he reacts this way towards me when before this we had such a strong bond is killing me and I can't see it improving anytime soon.

I fully understand this is a massive change for him and he's at an age where he can't really understand but I'm terrified it's going to have a lasting effect on him.

I also think his mum could be doing more to help ease the transition, she never spends any alone time with him, always getting her friends or family round to help out with our son and I'm 90% sure she's already introduced her new boyfriend to him aswell.

I'm sorry if that didn't make sense, it's still a bit hard for me to comprehend and I try to avoid talking about it but I just really need some advice on how I can make things easier for my son on my side, even if his mum continues to act the way she is doing.

 

[Jinty]

Sorry to hear this. Its really sad when children are affected by parents splitting up. When i first read that you have him one week and his mum has the other, i instantly thought... that can't be good. My own opinion too but still hes young as well i don't think it does him any good. Kids need routines and changing one week to another i think will upset him. Especially after a big change of you and his mum splitting up.

If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days. As they can't really tell between the number of days in a week and when he would actually be seeing you, i think this would be better for him. Obviously my own opinion.

I hope it gets better for you and your son. x

 

[Yorkshiredad]

If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.

Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.

She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".

 

[BigZai]

If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.

Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.

She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".

if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time

 

[jemmie1994]

If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.

Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.

She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".

how old is she? if you don't mind me asking, is abit off to say she doesn't want her son for a week so she can have a life that's the choice she made when she decided to keep him
sorry nothing to do with your problem i just find it abit odd

your son probably needs time to adjust to this new arrangement its all very new to him and is most likely very confused why his mum and dad arent together anymore

 

[Yorkshiredad]

if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time

I know that in her own mind she would prefer that, she's never been very maternal and she's admitted more than once that being a mother isn't all that fulfilling to her but it's complicated and I know that regardless of how much she wanted to, she would never allow herself to only have him on weekends. for fear of the backlash she'd get from her family and friends

 

[Yorkshiredad]

=how old is she? if you don't mind me asking, is abit off to say she doesn't want her son for a week so she can have a life that's the choice she made when she decided to keep him
sorry nothing to do with your problem i just find it abit odd

your son probably needs time to adjust to this new arrangement its all very new to him and is most likely very confused why his mum and dad arent together anymore

She's 23 (I'm 26 in case you were curious). Our son wasn't planned and before we found out we were expecting she was very much the "party girl". Having to give that up was something she readily admitted she resented.

Like I said to another reply, she's not very maternal and only really took an interest when there was someone there to witness it

 

[BigZai]

if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time

I know that in her own mind she would prefer that, she's never been very maternal and she's admitted more than once that being a mother isn't all that fulfilling to her but it's complicated and I know that regardless of how much she wanted to, she would never allow herself to only have him on weekends. for fear of the backlash she'd get from her family and friends

Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.

 

[Yorkshiredad]

Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.

You're not the first person to say that. Both her dad and uncle have said he would be better off with me, but then at the same time, with the 100 mile distance they're not actively encouraging it because it would mean they see him less.

 

[BigZai]

Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.

You're not the first person to say that. Both her dad and uncle have said he would be better off with me, but then at the same time, with the 100 mile distance they're not actively encouraging it because it would mean they see him less.

Maybe work out a different schedule where she only has him 4 or 5 days instead of a whole week. and also give your LO time to adjust to the situation offer lots of love and dont take his cries personally
Dont change your cologne or detergent or even your hair

 

[Dezireey]

I cant see an immediate solution for your problem here apart from your little boy eventually getting used to this new routine. His routine with you has gone away and as a little one he shows lack of understanding i.e why has Daddy gone now? Be the best Dad you can to him, be patient and make him see how he is still loved and cared for by you. I have a sneaky feeling his mother ( if what you say about her is true for her) that she will be giving you more time with your son as time goes by. In the long term things will be okay, but I guess you need a short term solution for this and I cant see one, sorry

 

[Yorkshiredad]

We're going to try and hammer something out this weekend when we do the "exchange" but I know that as soon as she hears something she doesn't like she'll storm off.

He gets plenty of love when he's with me, due to finances I've had to move back with my mum for the time being and she dotes on him and he loves being with her.

I think the problem lies with her, she has a stream of different people in and out of the house throughout the day and her dad has admitted it's confusing for our son.

Thank you for the advice.

 

[BigZai]

Well good luck and update us on how it goes, I rarely hear of a good dad its nice to know they exsist.

i also thought maybe you could get your son like a action figure, cape or stuffed animal and make up a story like the stuffed puppy will look after you when I am not around. Hes a little young for it but its worth a shot

 

[Jinty]

If that's her view on it doesn't sound like she makes a good parent. The distance would be very difficult. I guess in that case the best you can do is just make sure your son has a good time with you. Spend A LOT of time with him doing things he likes minus the spoiling obviously. Or try and get full custody?

 

[Yorkshiredad]

If that's her view on it doesn't sound like she makes a good parent. The distance would be very difficult. I guess in that case the best you can do is just make sure your son has a good time with you. Spend A LOT of time with him doing things he likes minus the spoiling obviously. Or try and get full custody?

I've considered going for full custody, but I'm sure everyone on here knows that were it to go down legal channels things would most likely go in her favour because she's his mother and he's in no physical danger with her.

Thank you everyone for you advice, I'll take it all on board and do whatever I can to make sure he's happy when he's with me.

I just hope I'm not doing more harm than good

 

[Joyzerelly]

At this age he may well be feeling abandoned, you as his main carer before the split should keep main custody of him now until he is old enough to understand the situation. My partner and I split and I have main custody of our son, daddy comes two or three times in the week to make his supper and get him ready for bed and then at the weekend he takes him during the day on both Saturday and Sunday but always brings him home for bed. When our LO is older he can spend the nights at the weekend with daddy. At the moment, your son is still very young, a baby really, as his security and a stable, consistent environment is the most important thing. I think he is feeling rejected and abandoned by you because he can't understand why he suddenly sees so much less of you. His world has been turned upside down. I would speak to your wife about this and try to work out a living arrangement that will make your son feel more secure and treasured. Something that your current arrangement clearly isn't. Good luck

 

[Jinty]

In most cases i guess they do but to say have him one whole week so she can have a life is a disgusting thing to say. Have you mentioned it before? See how she reacts? If she says stuff like that she might be willing to give you full custody lol

 

[Yorkshiredad]

In most cases i guess they do but to say have him one whole week so she can have a life is a disgusting thing to say. Have you mentioned it before? See how she reacts? If she says stuff like that she might be willing to give you full custody lol

She would never willingly give me custody, her mum walked out on her and her brother & sister when she was 4 and so no matter how much she might want to she'd never give me custody.

I'm starting to think my only option is giving her full custody, it's absolutely not what I want to do but it might be better for our son to have a stable home...

 

[Mindy_mini]

At this age he may well be feeling abandoned, you as his main carer before the split should keep main custody of him now until he is old enough to understand the situation. My partner and I split and I have main custody of our son, daddy comes two or three times in the week to make his supper and get him ready for bed and then at the weekend he takes him during the day on both Saturday and Sunday but always brings him home for bed. When our LO is older he can spend the nights at the weekend with daddy. At the moment, your son is still very young, a baby really, as his security and a stable, consistent environment is the most important thing. I think he is feeling rejected and abandoned by you because he can't understand why he suddenly sees so much less of you. His world has been turned upside down. I would speak to your wife about this and try to work out a living arrangement that will make your son feel more secure and treasured. Something that your current arrangement clearly isn't. Good luck

WSS

Your son is 18 months old he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Then he's moved from one house to another for a week at a time. That's enough to upset anyone's routine let alone a toddler.

Hope you sort something soon for everyone's sake

 

[Yorkshiredad]

Your son is 18 months old he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Then he's moved from one house to another for a week at a time. That's enough to upset anyone's routine let alone a toddler.

Hope you sort something soon for everyone's sake

Like I said to a previous reply, I'm starting to think that giver HER full custody is my only option.

I know she wont allow me to have full custody and, were it to go to court, I'd stand no chance. I gave her the house, the furniture, everything when she left me so she's the one with the stable home.

Just the thought of seeing him so little is killing me, but being the man (and the only one out of the pair of us who works) I don't see an alternative