I think its time for me to be in LTTTC and i just need to say what i am feeling.

[Melts]

Month after month after month I count the days until I start my period. I wish for the month to be over, because despite the fact that I always say, "this is the month" deep down I know its not, and I want a new cycle to begin so we can try again. I go to wal-mart and have to run to the bathroom to get myself together after seeing three pregnant women and two teen mothers. I can't go anywhere that doesn't upset me. Every movie or show I watch involves someone who is pregnant or a newborn baby. All of the people that were in the TTC section when I became a member of BnB seemed to have disappeared. I am assuming that they have all moved on to the pregnancy section. All of my husband's friends have children; all of my friends have children. We are young and so are our friends but we want children, they didn't. Who has babies now? Them, not us. That's the hardest part. One of my husbands friends just welcomed his baby into the world this month. Nine months ago he and his girlfriend broke up and only got back together because she found out she was pregnant. That particular friend of my husband drinks all the time and he is full of himself now because he is a father (one week before he found out he was pregnant he told us how he hated kids and never wanted any). Now he thinks he can give us advice on how to raise our children when, and if, we have them. No one knows we are TTC. Every one of our friends ask us when we are going to have kids. That is the hardest question to be asked and every time I hear it i want to scream. I see all these people my husband and I knew from high school and they all have kids and some are even pregnant again. My sister is getting married and I know she will get pregnant before me. That will be so hard, because I should be happy, but I will be jealous. My sister in law was never suppose to get pregnant because she had all kind of problems. After 4 months of my husband and I trying she was pregnant. I am still not pregnant. My cousin who was also never suppose to be able to get pregnant got pregnant the same month my sister in law did. I didn't get pregnant that month. I feel like we have gotten pregnant for everyone but us. It is so so hard. Then when I see teen mothers all over the place I think how? Why? Thats not fair. I am jealous of 16 year olds because they have babies that they didn't want, didn't ask for, and every night before I go to bed I hold my stomach and I hope, pray, and wish that i will get pregnant soon. So many people have children that they didn't ask for, so why can't i have the child I so long for and ask and pray for everyday? Why? It just is not fair. I am full of frustration, jealousy, anger, and depression because I cannot get pregnant. I fear that I never will get pregnant. Since the first month we started TTC I have had a gut feeling that I will never get pregnant. That scares me. Giving birth and being a mother is the most amazing thing in my eyes, and I have to be scared that I will never have that experience. My husband and I have been TTC for 14 months with absolutely no luck. I have taken many many pregnancy tests and never got to see two lines. I imagine all of the time how amazing it would be to see those two lines. I want that so bad. I want to watch my tummy grow, give birth, and raise a beautiful and successful child. In fact i want to do that multiple times, at least four. But I fear I won't even get to do it once.

My husband keeps saying "it will happen. Don't worry. It's going to happen soon." but its not going to happen. I just have this gut feeling I will never get pregnant.
I just had to get that out it has been a rough week. Lots of tears. This journey has been so long and so hard.

 

[MollyNorwood]

Melts! Hugs for you!!
You are NOT alone. So many women here feel exactly the same way you do. It's natural to feel a growing frustration, hurt and dissapointment with yourself and your body for not doing what nature intended. And what every other woman's body can seem to get right- all but your own.
I too, feel the helplessness that comes with negative test after negative test and the pain in your heart that never goes away each month. It is awful. BUT...
You have to try not to bring you down, to put THAT much doubt in your mind that you are convinced you will never conceive. Please find ways to stay positive.
I don't really have any advice for you my dear, because we can only really take each day as it comes. Maybe telling your friends etc who are continuously asking when you are having a baby, that you have fertillity issue and you would appreciate if they don't ask again.
Don't be afraid to say how you feel. Our true friends are the ones who will sit and listen, without judgement.
This isn't your fault and we will be one of those ladies you see in Wal-Mart one day!

 

[Melts]

Thank you so much.
I loved how you said we will be one of those women that we see in wal-mart someday.

 

[star25]

Sending u hugs too, I always think the same - how it isn't fair,even though it's no ones fault in the world and no one is purposely making it unfair on us, I still think how unfair it is we try so hard and go through so much upset about something that comes so easily for others

I have that same gut feeling too, that it will never happen, but it is true that a lot of the success stories on here are by people who had that exact same feeling and its something we have to remember
I've just come off the phone to my nan, shes 90 this saturday and she was the same as me, she got married at 25 like me and it took her til she was 31 to have my mum, even that long ago she was saying how she felt it would never happen for her, my mum then took 7 years to have her first my brother,I followed him then 3 more girls followed me!
It really will happen and I hope it does for u soon xxx

 

[Melts]

Thank you.
It is so true that we have to remember so many women feel that they will never get pregnant and then they do. Its just hard sometimes. My mom and grandma were teen parents so i thought i would for sure get pregnant right away because they got pregnant without even trying.
Good luck!

 

[littlebean2]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is completely natural. Myself and my husband have been trying for the last two and a half years, and we never thought that we would get a positive! Every month I would buy all the tests and convince myself that this was it, and it never was. It is heartbreaking to go through, and I felt all the same anger and jealousy towards every other pregnant person around me. I couldn't understand why we couldn't get pregnant...we did everything right, we don't drink, we don't smoke, we are really fit and healthy...but nothing. Then in March 2012 we had a chemical which was devastating. After that we decided to stop trying. We have a beautiful, healthy son already and we thought that maybe we were chancing our arm for another. We came to the conclusion that we were only meant to have one baby, and we needed to be thankful that we had one when there are so many people who can't even have one. A few months after making this decision we kept talking about children and a bigger family (we are both adopted and having our own family is really important to us), so we started trying again. Again, nothing was happening, the frustration was creeping in, the anger started to come back. I should say that during this time loads of my family were getting pregnant (some even complaining that it took them a whole 4 months!) grrrrrr! Over Christmas my husband asked what I'd got him for a present and I told him it was a surprise, he asked was it a positive pregnancy test? That broke my heart, I'd never thought about how the journey was affecting him. The present was not a positive pregnancy test. So with a new year I decided to relax over the whole thing. Then the opportunity for a weekend away came up, I booked us into a lovely little hotel and we spent an amazing weekend together...not trying to make a baby...just enjoying being together. Then the symptoms started (as they did every month), but AF never showed up. Reluctantly took a pregnancy test, I didn't want to be disappointed again, and the faintest of faint lines showed up! So obviously I refused to believe it. After the chemical that was all I could think about. I tested almost every ten minutes after that. It took about 9 days before the test showed a good strong real positive, so I ran to the doctor as fast as I could and got them to confirm it. I think I'm about 9 weeks now and I'm still in shock!

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to let you know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel!

I know it is a cliche but...it will happen for you! Just try to keep your sanity while you wait (easier said than done!).

 

[Melts]

Thanks.

I cannot believe that people in your family were complaining that it took them 4 months. That made me so mad when I read that haha. Your story really encouraged me, thank you for that. I am having af cramps and a backache but it is only 5dpo. I don't think i have ever had AF signs this early. So i am getting my hopes up that it is implantation and I'm pregnant. I wish i didn't do this to myself.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and i'm wishing you a very happy healthy 9 months.

 

[MollyNorwood]

I think it sucks when family or 'friends' complain about not getting pregnant and "it's been four months!"...how insensitive! Presuming that they know your journey of course! Thankfully I have not been in that boat yet, but a close friend did get pg and had a termination due to her being ill at the time of conception and being on a steroid based medication. I was sad FOR her, not mad at her. Different circumstance though. Whats worse is that we seem to be so hard on OURSELVES, that dispite anything anyone else says, we are the ones with such high hopes of conceiving. It's very difficult to come to terms with our 'failures' month after month. And a month can drag onnn and onnnn, especially if you have long cycles. Mine can range from 40-45 days on average and it will sometimes do my head in a bit trying to be patient. It certainly is a learning experience...i dont mean just charting, using opk's etc, i mean it's a learning experience for us to discover how resilliant we can be! We will get there girls

 

[Wyomimi]

My husband keeps saying "it will happen. Don't worry. It's going to happen soon." but its not going to happen. I just have this gut feeling I will never get pregnant.
I just had to get that out it has been a rough week. Lots of tears. This journey has been so long and so hard.

I am right there with you. It has been an especially hard week for my husband and me as well. We both broke down after another month ending with a BPN. We are starting infertility testing so there are a lot of tears and worry. I wish I had a success story to post, but everyone I know who has gotten pregnant has done so within 6 months. (jerks!) I just try and tell myself that there are so many drugs and treatments available today that having a baby is an inevitability (even if it means adoption). It's just a matter of how long and how much work it'll be.

Much luck your way and to everyone else out there having problems conceiving. I know I need it!