I Want To FEEL Healthy - dontworry's Journal

[dontworry]

So I've been reading dizzyisacow's journal, and she has enlightened me (by making me realize my own addiction to overeating) and inspired me (by posting her own journey to weight loss here for everybody to read, which terrifies me). And with this new-found enlightenment, I've decided to start writing my own journal to record, publicly, my journey to healthiness. I hope it works, lol.
I've tried to write things on paper, but I'm constantly afraid that someone will pick it up, read it, and judge me. Because I "carry my weight well", nobody believes how much I truly weigh, not even my OH! I'm gonna post it here every week, and hopefully we'll see some numbers drop. I know I can lose this weight, it doesn't matter how long it takes, but it'd be nice to be able to fit into a wedding dress of my choice for my April 1st wedding next year. I do NOT want to be "skinny" or "thin" or a size 0. I don't care if I'm still super curvy - I love curves. I just want to be able to walk up and down the hills around my house without immediately being out of breath.

Starting weight at 3:51am on Feb. 11th, 2010 = 223.8 lbs.

What an ugly number! Yuck! But this will change! I have faith in myself, I know I can make it happen.

So, what am I changing right now? For the next two days (well, starting when I wake up later this morning... ) I will be doing my own sort of "fasting". I will only be eating veggies and fruits, and drinking only water. I take my vitamins every day, so I won't be losing out on too much good stuff. I just want to cleanse myself before starting anew. I went grocery shopping tonight (fruits and veggies are SO expensive!! I couldn't believe it!) so I have bananas (my favorite), apples, spinach, broccoli and cauliflower, corn, peas, green beans, peaches and pears. Most of them are fresh - the cauliflower and green beans are frozen though. I probably won't eat it all, but my OH knows about my two day fasting and has decided to do it with me. I'm half glad and half annoyed, because now I know he'll be scrutinizing my every move. But whatever! I'll ignore him if I must.

I better get to bed (finally). I'll try and update everyday, whether I like it or not. You girls are my inspiration! Especially YOU, dizzy!

 

[dontworry]

I knew going to work was going to be the low point in my day, where I feel super weak because of all the deliciousness going on, and I was SOOO right!
Of course we got a shipment of brownies that I forgot about, so I had to sit right above them and smell them while I was working. Not to mention everyone who came in got milkshakes... OMG. It was pretty bad, but it wasn't unbearable! This morning I ate 2 baby Fuji apples, and 1.5 bananas lol. I love bananas! I also took a prenatal vitamin, because my old regular multivitamin ones expired last year... and prenatals are good for you regardless of being pregnant, right?
I got home about half an hour ago, and now I'm eating a cup of baby carrots, and a handful of snap peas (aka sugar snap peas). The snap peas are delicious, but I'm not digging the carrots right now. My stomach is still growling and it's annoying me lol. I also got a one liter water bottle and filled it to the top this morning, and I'm only about 1/4 of the way finished... which is odd because I'm usually a water-aholic. I'm assuming it's just because I'm not eating any salt or anything at the moment. I'm gonna have some broccoli and spinach in a little bit, for dinner. Only one more day of this fast, unless this converts me to vegetarianism again... we'll see! I don't think I'll do that though, cause I love me some beef. Wish me luck!

 

[dontworry]

Alright, so yesterday was made of fail, lol. After eating my snap peas and feeding my carrots to the peacocks and deer outside, I made a bowl of spinach (it comes frozen in a block, completely natural with no preservatives or anything). I put a little salt and pepper on it and ate about half of that - it was pretty good, because I love spinach, but I was feeling like utter crap. AF is here right now, so I'm going to blame that for my weakness, lol. I ate a small bowl of cereal yesterday, and a pepper jack quesadilla, and a handful of nuts. I just couldn't stay away! :'( I got very upset with myself, but I'm now over it. I know that as soon as I apply myself to this thing, I can do it.
A big part of being upset yesterday, though, was because I told my OH that I wanted to do the fast, and he said he wanted to do it with me. That was really... annoying. Sweet, but annoying. We've had arguments before, because he's been "trying" to lose weight since we've been together (originally it was to join the Navy, but now he just wants to be thinner). The arguments start because he wants me to run or join a gym with him, but I don't want to... with him. I want to do it on my own. I NEED to do it on my own, at least at first, because every time he says anything about it (being positive or negative), I feel discouraged. I told him months ago that if I was going to lose weight, it'd be for myself, not for him, and I'd do it in my own time. (NOTE: He doesn't think I'm fat or gross or anything, and he never tells me those things, but he makes it seem like he can't lose weight unless I do, whereas I'm opposite - I just want to do it on my own! Without him knowing!)
SO. My goal here is to keep quiet about what I'm doing, because ultimately, it was him knowing that made me want to quit (along with stupid AF cravings). I want people to look at me, over time, and compliment me without knowing that I had to try ridiculously hard. I want this to be a lifestyle, one that I can be proud to share with my children, not some fad diet that I only stick to until I get to my goal weight.
I have a subscription to SHAPE magazine, so hopefully I'll get some tips from there. I'm gonna start pulling out the exercise cards and recipes and saving them in a booklet, so I can go back and use them over and over again.

Ahh, I need to start walking to work or something! It's 3.03 miles away from my house lol. I wonder if I'd be able to walk back... yuck! It's all downhill to get there... all uphill back.

 

[dontworry]

So 4 days have gone by since last posting, and I've made no progress. BUT I have been trying! I don't want to dwell on what I could've, would've, should've done though. I will focus on what I'm doing right now, to make tomorrow better.
My mom took me home from work today and we had a good conversation about everything - my upcoming wedding, my roommate, my work, my sister, etc. One of the things I brought up was that I wanted to start Weight Watchers, but thought it was too expensive. My mom had done it wayyy back in the day lol, and lost a lot of weight (she was always a little bit chunky in middle school, but in high school she was GORGEOUS! All thanks to WW!) on it, so I thought maybe it'd be a good start. So today I looked up how it works, and I like to point system quite a bit, but I didn't want to pay for all that crap. Sooo I found a copy of the point system for free, bookmarked it on the computer and am sending it to my mom to print up for me. I calculated that I should be eating 29 points of food each day, and I don't want to use the extra 30 or whatever for "free" food. I told myself I can use up to 10 each week, but that's it.
My motivation right now is my wedding, which afterwards leads to my pregnancy. My fiancee/OH and I are really excited to get married and have kids, and I want to do it in that order because our parents never got that chance. Sooo, I've set up a "maybe" date for our wedding, which is April 1st of 2011. I say "maybe" because that's my favorite month, but idk if I'd like to get married that month or not... was thinking maybe January or September. Anywho - so my wedding is going to be another motivation tool for me. I'd like to look gorgeous in a wedding dress - I mean, I think I look alright right now, but I can always look better lmao. I also want to be in better condition for when I start to try to conceive, so I have a better chance at it.

So - WW starts tomorrow, my OH unfortunately (well - not really unfortunately, it's just... idk... annoying?) he wants to do it with me lol. I hope he doesn't make this a horrible competition though. He knows his weight just melts off of himself, so I don't want his cockiness interfering. Lol.
I also moved out gigantic treadmill into our room so I feel more comfortable using it. It actually belong to our roomie's parents, and it's been sitting in the living room since we brought it over, so I hope he doesn't mind lol. It was a beotch to move in here, took me like 30 minutes, but it'll be worth it. Gonna turn on the tellie, get my hour or so in of walking while I watch something silly.

Wish me luck!

 

[dontworry]

I ran for about 20 minutes - well, half was walking, half was running at about 3-5 miles an hour, and I burned 100 calories. It's not a bunch, but it's a start, and I was surprised at how much fun and how easy it is! I originally turned the tv on to watch, but ended up reading my book while running! Was amazing. I better keep this up!

 

[Angielove]

Yay Keep up the good work bff

 

[dontworry]

Thanks Angie. That's got to be my favorite picture so far of Bella!

I walked last night while watching some Nip/Tuck... went 4 laps/134 calories burned. Went for just under 20 minutes. I could've gone longer but my migraine was killing me, and I didn't feel too well. But at least I burned more than last time. I'm gonna aim to run a bit after Terron/OH leaves for work - I feel more comfortable when he's not in the room lol.

 

[dontworry]

Walked for 29 mins, 200.3 calories burned. 5.5 laps. Only .7 were running, rest were walking and reading. Man I feel nice.

Edit: I ate about 32 points worth of food today... definitely not as bad as the day before (49! OMG!), but it's a lot better.

 

[dontworry]

So today I consumed about 22 WW points worth of food (so far! Am eating a few carrots right now and might have a piece of toast with peanut butter... but I'm undecided as of yet lol). I ran/walked for 2.5 miles/45 minutes/10.25 laps/350 calories burned. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF! Lol small steps!

 

[dontworry]

Yesterday was SOOO exhausting! I just got hired at a video rental store across the street from my current job, which is at a coffee and ice cream shop. So now I'll be working 2 part-time jobs. Anywho - yesterday was my second day training at the video shop. I started my morning by working at the coffee shop from 6:30am until 2:45pm. At 3:15 I started at the video place, not getting off until 9:15pm. HOLY CRAP my legs hurt lol. That's like 15 hours straight of standing up and walking around. But it was worth it. Sadly I didn't get to run last night, but I was so sore that I was more than happy to just go to bed at the end of the night. In fact, I'm still ridiculously tired right now, but I can deal with it. I didn't get the chance to add up all of my points from yesterday so I'm gonna do that now. Okay so yesterday I had 30 points - ouch. But that's mostly because I drank a bunch of coffee/tea at work, and all day I only had a bagel, so when I got home I ate like 12 fish sticks with ranch. BOOOO! Lol I need to bring snacks to work. Today, so far, I've only had cereal and coffee. I need to ween myself off of drinking coffee with so much sweetner. Terron said that his grandpa took a bet when he was younger - drink black coffee (nothing else in it) for 7 days straight, and you won't be able to drink any other kind. Maybe I'll try it haha. Someday.

So I definitely need to run/walk tonight. I'm gonna go shower and start cleaning up the room. Yeah... maybe lol.
I want to start planning out my meals, but I don't know how that'll go with the two jobs and everything. I can certainly try, though. I definitely need to work on my portions, still. I'll get it down eventually.

 

[Charlotte23]

Aww welldone so far I start my diet on March 1st

 

[dontworry]

So a few updates to begin, as it's been a very stressful week.
My coffee shop job has ended. Yesterday I was informed that it was the last day of being open... and that really sucks. It was like my second home, and it feels as if I've been let down so many times that reality has just caught up with the owners. They did a ton of illegal things regarding their employees (bounced checks almost every payday, delayed tax forms, not paying us at all, etc), and nobody was surprised when they had our manager tell us it was closing. I am, however, pretty torn up about it. I'm just so thankful that I just got hired at that movie rental place. Last week, when the coffee shop was still open, my manager and good friend's car had broken down, so she had me open basically all week, which means I'm up at 5am, at work by 5:30, wait for the next employee to come around usually by 2 or 3, rush over to my new job, close with them/train until 8 or 9 at night. It's just been so exhausting, and I haven't had one day off until today.
So all week I'm looking forward to being able to sleep in, but of course not! My broken tooth decides to feel infected, so I'm up every hour on the hour, swishing hot salt water in my mouth, then vodka, then the salt water again - attempting to clean in out. But that doesn't work. So I'm lying in bed crying, not wanting to wake up my poor love, as he's got to wake up early this morning for work, and so I sit in the living room, trying to sleep out there. During all this I'm taking both ibuprofen and Advil, and NOTHING is working. I finally just gave up on trying to go back to bed at around 7ish, when my OH got up for work. So I lay there crying some more, trying to get comfortable. I can't eat or sleep or drink or talk without pain. So I called my mom's house, my little sister picks up and I start bawling (not meaning to lol) and ask if mom's home and can she get me some medicine, but of course she isn't home! But Tate (sis) tells me she'll call her and ask her to bring some home with her. Mom calls, tells me she'll be home at 2 with some medicines. I call my OH at work, bawling some more, and he calls him mom, who brings me some medicine finally. The pain is now gone for the moment, but boy do I feel horribly loopy. I was able to take a good, long nap, and think I might go lay back down for a while.

So... it's been stressful and tiring this week. Haven't gotten to run, but I really would like to tonight seeing as I'll have the time, and hopefully won't be in pain.

I will update again when I wake up.

 

[dontworry]

Aww welldone so far I start my diet on March 1st

Thank you! And good luck on yours!