I wish people could aknowledge my baby

[NikiJJones]

Something I'm finding really tough now (6 weeks on from finding my LO was gone) is that people don't seem to aknowledge my baby and my pregnancy. I've been back at work for 2 weeks now, and I'm finding people tend to presume I don't want to talk about it. They ask me if I'm better and how I'm feeling now, as if I've had an illness, but then talk about something else. I can see where they are coming from, but I'm at a stage now where I want to talk about it.
My 2 and a half weeks when I knew I was pregnant was the happiest time of my life, and one I've longed for for 3 years. I really connected with my little boy (I feel strongly that he was a boy). People seem to think that I just want to put it all behind me, but I don't.
The main topic of conversation in our school staff room is pregnancy and babies, and I've longed for so long to be able to take part in it properly (instead of just talking about "my friend says this" and "my Mum says this"). This week now twice I've tried to chip in (not in a tearful or miserable way) and everyone has immediately looked really guilty and started talking about something else. They were all discussing morning sickness the other day, and I said "When I was pregnant I had such terrible sickness before I even knew. I kept going out of lessons to throw up." When they all stopped talking about it I said to one girl "I'm Ok to talk about it you know" and she just said "well yes, but you're probably better just to try to look forward in life and not dwell on it."
I've tried to talk to DH about this, and even he is now saying stuff like "It wasn't even a proper baby". The school nurse (who has been lovely to me, and encouraged me to speak about it: thank goodness someone has) suggested that we thought of a name for our LO. I suggested this to DH, and he said that I am exhibiting psychosis symptoms by wanting to do that. (He's a mental health nurse).
Is anyone else feeling like this? I just want people to aknowledge that (albeit for a very short time) my little boy was with me, and gave me such happiness.
Sorry for the long rant, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
xxxx

 

[Sweetie]

I'm sorry that I have nothing really helpful to say but I wanted to let you know that I will keep you and your LO in my thoughts. It could be that it is their problem thought. They don't know what to say and are scared to say the wrong thing and in dealing with it in that manner are hurting you more in the process. **hugs**

 

[Vickie]

I'm sorry that I have nothing really helpful to say but I wanted to let you know that I will keep you and your LO in my thoughts. It could be that it is their problem thought. They don't know what to say and are scared to say the wrong thing and in dealing with it in that manner are hurting you more in the process. **hugs**

I agree completely. People are probably worried that they will say or do the wrong thing Doesn't make it any easier for you though. So sorry for the loss of your LO

 

[mBLACK]

I'm here for you if you want to talk about anything.

 

[TashaAndBump]

So sorry you're going through this!

The thing I needed most when I went through my miscarriage, was for my husband to understand what we had lost and go through it with me... which thank God, he did.

I can't imagine how I would feel if my OH had turned around to me and said something like "It wasn't even a proper baby"

If you ever need (or want) to talk about anything, then do PM me, I'll be more than happy to talk with you...

Take care hunni

Oh also, In saying that it is psychosis to want to give your passed on baby a name your husband is WRONG. Psychosis is believing things are real when they are not; your baby WAS real and wanting to name your baby is a perfectly healthy way or dealing with your loss, and making the loss more tangible - so that you have something concrete to mourn over.

So sorry for your loss - Don't ever let anyone make you feel as if you don't have a right to grieve (or celebrate your baby's short life) - You have lost a baby. You feel however you need to feel.

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks ladies.
It helps so much to share these issues and to hear your advice.
xxxx

 

[orange-sox]

Hun I am so sorry for your loss

When I went through my first m/c everyone treat me like a china doll, and it hurt me so much that nobody would let me talk about it. It was always "best not to dwell etc"... it's never best to keep things locked up inside yourself.

Like all the lovely ladies before me have said, we are always here to talk and to listen, and if you'd ever like to talk then you can pm me

You have a right to grieve for your baby in whatever way you see best, be that talking about him, or doing something to commemorate his life...

Take care hun

 

[coccyx]

Can only speak from my experience. I have had 9 miscs and thankfully 4 babies so have an idea how you feel. People do feel awkward and do not know what to say, do not think they mean to hurt your feelings . As for the oh, well my oh was never sure how to react. Do not feel he ever felt as 'connected ' to the baby as i did, but may be a man thing. Surely he could take on board how you feel and help you through this tough time. You do need time to acknowledge your loss and grieve, if thats not too dramatic! Think you will find this forum excellent. Things do get easier,

 

[ClaireLR]

What you have written sums up exactly how I am feeling at the moment.

It's only been 3 weeks and it doesn't matter who I try talk to, I get the impression that they don't want to speak about it. My OH was fab at first, kept asking me to talk about it but I was not ready. Now I am ready (or getting there anyway), it feels as though people are thinking that I shouldn't be "dwelling" on it and should move on, as if what's happened is just one of those things. OH doesn't ask to speak about it anymore, I'm assuming he thinks that I'm OK now.

Do you think it would help to have a good chat with your DH? Perhaps he doesn't fully understand how this has affected you? I think that's what I'm going to (try to) do. I don't really know what I want to say but I know I want/need to talk about it. Also, do you have 1 or 2 people who you can really talk to? I have one friend in particular who has spent hours talking things through with me and it's helped no end, just to know someone doesn't think I'm being silly or that I should just be over it by now. Sometimes I think women make better listeners than men about this sort of thing.

As for naming your LO, if it makes you feel easier about things then you have to do it. I'm not going to name my LO yet because I'm not ready, but when it feels right I will talk to OH and I'm hoping to have a piece of jewelry inscribed with the name and date that I can always wear.

Love to you,
Claire. X

 

[moomin_troll]

yeah i just think they dont no what to say in this situation my friend went into premature labour at 5 months and her LO died and she still talks about her but she cant look at baby stuff and i couldnt think of anything to say and when i found out i was pregnant i was worried how to tell her but shes really happy for me but i can tell its upset her aswel!

 

[NickyT75]

I can also empathise with you here hun

I lost my daughter Sophie at 18+3wks and even tho she was born alive no-one really acknowledges her existence which really upsets me.

In the run up to her funeral I was absolutely distraught that apart from Me & my husband only my mum, sister & my OH's mum got to see her... it kinda felt like she didn't ever exist in anyone else's eyes & the thought of no-one turning up to say goodbye & acknowledge her short existence at her funeral almost pushed me over the edge.

Thankfully my mum saw how scared i was & rounded my family & friends up which was a great comfort to me - at least Sophie had 1 day surrounded by people who's lives she'd touched only briefly.

Now just over 2 months have passed & everyone else is carrying on like before...

Like you... nobody ever mentions what happened (not even our husbands - probably for fear of upsetting us) but I can honestly say that as a mother this makes us feel more alone at a time when we need to talk about it.

The loss of a baby is something that no parent should ever have to face but sadly unless it has happened to you - people tend to feel awkward & brush it under the carpet, they are not trying to hurt you but simply don't know what to say or do for the best.

Im sorry if this is dragging on - Im not trying to make it about me, I just wanted to say that you are not alone in the way you feel, but sadly the society in which we live doesn't know how to deal with our pain so chooses to ignore it.

They say time is a great healer & it's early days yet but if you ever need to talk to someone who knows how you are feeling I am here for you (this forum was a godsend to me when i was trying to come to terms with what had happened).

Don't let anyone tell you your loss wasn't real coz the hopes & dreams you had for your little boy were certainly real to you hun. xx

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks everyone. Nicky and Claire: sorry to hear about your losses.
It is good for all of us to talk, and this is such a great place to be able to discuss these things.
I actually had a good long chat with my Mum in law this evening, and she has been great at letting me talk about my baby.
DH has been very supportive, but he is having a tough time at the moment, and, some of you have said, I think men find it hard to understand exactly how we feel about all of this.
I'm lucky enough to finish work for the school summer break on Wednesday, so can just then see my friends who have been supportive, and not need to be in the work situation, which I have been finding so hard, for a good long while. I am finding I get very distressed as a result of being at work right now, and poor DH is often on the receiving end of my slightly hysterical outbursts when I get home.
Anyway, thanks again for your kind words everyone.
xxxx

 

[tillymum]

I know how you feel it's almost 8 weeks since my m/c and I feel that everyone has moved on and i'm left feeling as though I should put it past me but I can't, as it was so much part of my life for 13 weeks, and my first pregnancy and it kick started a surge of maternal hormones.

My FIL just passed away and now I feel guilty even mentioning it. Not only am I grieving over his loss and dealing with my husbands loss but I battling with concealing my still very raw loss of my m/c and all I want to do is talk about it. I said to my hubby that his father is with his grandchild now, and he looked at me like i'd lost my marbles!!!

My sister is a godsend though and she is the only one who openly talks to me about my lo. No one else mentions it, or they get uncomfortable if I say anything.

I had a name picked out for a boy when I was pregnant, but as I don't know the sex I can't call it by that name as it could have been a girl!! just feels weird to me.

All I can say is that it is such a difficult thing to go and I never fully respected the grieving involved before It happened to me.

 

[todteach]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It feels as if I have written part of your story. I want to talk too, and my coworkers seem to want to run the other way, when they see me too. Or, pretend like nothing has happened. If she's back to work, everything must be fine. In a way, yes I am doing much better, but please acknowledge that I was pregnant with a baby for 3 months. My baby died.

I too work with children. And in a centre with girls around my age, who either have children, or are pregnant. A lot of my daycare parents are also expecting. I went to congratulate one of my parents with her news, and she told me that she hadn't told me because she didn't want to upset me. I assured her that I was fine to talk to; I'm past the point where I'm breaking down at work. I am ready to talk. And her news is very exciting.

This is an awkward stage that we are at right now. Still wanting very much for our LOs to be aknowledged, needing time to grieve, and wanting to talk openly about whatever staff discussions might lead to. We need to talk.

Niki if you need a listening ear, feel free to pm me.
Lots of
Take care of yourself

 

[superp123]

Amen sister! I find myself in the same situation too.
One of my closest friends is pg I think almost 7mths now... she won't even mention it to me or even ask how I'm doing. She called me last week to give me grief about not noticing that her cat died, two days after my D&C. When I tried to explain how out of it I really have been, she seemed insulted that my mc might hurt me more than her 19yr old cat passing. And she's one of my oldest friends. Its like some people expect you to just carry on as if it were like passing gass. 'Oh, excuse me I've just mc'd. '
Most don't know what to say, and sometimes it's better to not say anything. I think the thing I was most greatful to hear has been from my sister. She said, "I'm so sorry that this happened to you, I love you and I just don't know what else to say." It was honest, caring, and from the best possible place.
The fair weather people bother me the most I think. The types that disappear on you or the ones who ask how you're doing but don't really let you answer. That hurts a lot.
At any rate, I'm here and listening. I def. understand and I don't think there's anything wrong with you grieving any way you like. Try not to worry about your work mates too much... ultimately there really not the ones who call you at home anyway. Try to concentrate on the people who really love you and the ones who are willing to listen. Lots of hugs
P

 

[NikiJJones]

Thanks ladies, and so sorry to hear that you are all feeling similar. The initial shock is so terrible that you just cannot function, but this weird few weeks later thing is just as saddening. It helps to know that it is not just me feeling this desperation to have my baby aknowledged, and this need to talk about him. On the naming thing: I've not named him in the end, as in some ways I want to save my chosen names in case I have another little boy.
At least we all have each other here, and we all aknowledge each other's LOs.
to all of you.
xxxx

 

[Logiebear]

I lost my baby in May and know how you feel hun. I have 18, yes 18 friends who are all pregnant and are due this year and early next year. One of my closest friends even has the same EDD that I had and is now 19 weeks! I am so happy for them all and I am really lucky that they have all been brilliant with me. It's the people who have no kids or have never suffered a loss like this that treat you like you need to get over it. It takes time and I dare say there will come a time when I don't think about it all the time but I will never forget, it was a baby, a life, our baby and part of our family.

My dh and I are going to get a small rose bush and plant it in our garden to remember our baby as we feel it is important for us. I hope that one day your friends will want to remember the life that is lost also.

 

[JASMAK]

Dads deal with things alot differently than the moms. We are the ones who are "connected" to our LO, right from the very moment of conception....even before. We want this baby so so much, right from the moment of trying. Guys, well, they just do their part, and don't think much about it after that. They don't look through the baby books, check out the development of our LO daily, and go through it like we do. So, forgive your husband, because he is just being a guy.

As for the women at work...I know exactly how that feels. This child was more than just a "pregnancy" to you. This child was your baby, however brief. This child meant the world to you. All your hopes and dreams for your child are now destroyed. But, you still want to share with the world the love you felt, and the dream come true of your child. But, you can't change people...you can't. You can't make them understand. People seem to have this weird attitude towards women who m/c. Like we are grieving freaks. I am not saying that you should lock up your feelings or emotions, but, you are going to find it hard to find someone who really gets it. So, take comfort in those who really do care and get it, and the other's...just try and forget them. I always try and remember that I was once one of those ladies too.

AND...we all get it here...and we care. (hugs)

 

[millymolly]

Hi..I'm a newbie and just want to say that I am so glad that I found this site!
I thought that it might help to contact others who have suffered a mc and it certainly has exceedied expectations. I cannot believe how many of you are in a similar situation and are experiencing similar emotions etc, I thought that after having 2 mc's recently, i was being over emotional and failing to cope.

Our friends who have not been able to mention our 2 previous pregnancies and subsequent mc's (its as if it hasn't happened!). This has left me feeling that I have just got to get over it and I'm abnormal in having these deep feelings and finding it all so devastating.

I'm also struggling to understand what is happening to my body after mc's so share that anxiety too! Us females have an awful lot to cope with!

Lots of hugs and best wishes to all of you who have baby angels and who understand the longing to be pregnant again!

 

[NikiJJones]

Hi..I'm a newbie and just want to say that I am so glad that I found this site!
I thought that it might help to contact others who have suffered a mc and it certainly has exceedied expectations. I cannot believe how many of you are in a similar situation and are experiencing similar emotions etc, I thought that after having 2 mc's recently, i was being over emotional and failing to cope.

Our friends who have not been able to mention our 2 previous pregnancies and subsequent mc's (its as if it hasn't happened!). This has left me feeling that I have just got to get over it and I'm abnormal in having these deep feelings and finding it all so devastating.

I'm also struggling to understand what is happening to my body after mc's so share that anxiety too! Us females have an awful lot to cope with!

Lots of hugs and best wishes to all of you who have baby angels and who understand the longing to be pregnant again!

Sorry to hear about your losses. This site has been such a support for me, and I hope you find it as helpful.

xxxx