If you had previously had a MMC and are pregnant again, please talk with me.

[EarthMama]

A little back story: I had a missed miscarriage in February. I was supposed to be 10 weeks but the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I became severely depressed after this but continued TTC and tried to distract myself.

I got pregnant finally (am around 5-6 weeks) but I am absolutely miserable. I am having severe emotional problems in this pregnancy. I am so grateful to be pregnant again but I can't shake the feeling that what happened before is going to happen again. I only seem to experience extreme negative emotions, like depression, horrible anxiety, rage, etc. I am still not having many symptoms like I did with my successful pregnancy with my son and it is terrifying me. I am having more symptoms then I did with my MMC, but it's definitely not to the degree that other women experience in pregnancy, not yet anyway (I know there's still time).

All I do, day after day, is cry cry and cry. I feel so deeply depressed, feeling like it's over before it's begun already, even if this is illogical. I find myself fearing that it's happening again, and contemplating how I will cope if it DOES happen again. I know the odds are with me to have a successful pregnancy but I can't shake these feelings of fear. I have not felt happy about being pregnant once and I probably won't until I hear a heartbeat which won't be for awhile. So all I do is cry and worry and feel like nobody understands.

My doctor's office will not offer me any kind of reassurance at all, no blood test to check my numbers, no early scan, no giving me progesterone, nothing. My scan is not for another month and I am wondering if I will be insane before then.

I am just feeling so sad all the time and emotional and really worried it's happening again, or if I will cause it to happen by feeling this way. My question is do my emotional issues sound abnormal, does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I have PTSD from my MMC or something...please give me some hope, I am a basket case.

 

[dairymomma]

First off I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are experiencing what several of us here have gone through after a miscarriage. I've had seven total and after my sixth m/c, I was diagnosed with post partum depression. The doctor figured (based on my symptoms) I had actually been suffering from PPD since my first m/c nearly six years ago! It's not out of the realm of possibility that you have something similar.

I'm so terribly sorry your doctor won't give you any peace of mind and that you have to wait so long to even get in for an ultrasound. Unfortunately, many doctors (even the specialists) don't consider miscarriage to be a problem and do any sort of testing until a woman has had 3 (or more) miscarriages. I would recommend you make an appointment to see your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling. See what his/her recommendations are but push for at least a quantitative hCG blood test. Tell him/her that it will give you peace of mind to know your hormones are going up like they are supposed to. If they still won't do it, then can you switch to another doctor who will? Don't be afraid to stand up for something like this. Sometimes you have to fight for testing and treatments. Stress isn't good for momma and baby so if nothing else, your doctor should take that into consideration. Also, I want to add the doctor probably won't prescribe progesterone if you've already had a successful to-term pregnancy. Progesterone typically helps those women who have a progesterone deficiency or their progesterone levels drop too early and you've made it to term successfully. I DO know that my doctor has said progesterone is safe to take during pregnancy even if you don't need it so I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for it if it'll make you feel better. And try not to worry about symptoms. (It's hard I know but every pregnancy is different.) I've had symptoms so bad I'm puking several times a day and still m/c but had hardly a symptom at all with my DS (he'll be 4 this winter). It's hard not to worry when you've had a previous m/c but try to relax as best you can. Pamper yourself. You are growing a new life after all!

Having had so many m/c myself, I know that innocent happiness and joy you felt before at getting your positive hpt is gone. But know that it will be okay someday and this new life will be all the more appreciated and loved because of what you went through. Sending hope, prayers, and your way! Good luck!

 

[Topanga053]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is absolutely normal to be scared that you're going to lose another pregnancy after you've experienced a loss, especially a MMC. I haven't talked to a single woman who's PAL who isn't scared of that happening.

It is also normal to be depressed following a loss and getting pregnant again is NOT an instant cure. You need time to thoroughly process and work through your grief, whether that's one month, one year, or several years.

That said, I think that crying all day, dehabilitating anxiety, and rage are concerning symptoms. Not that they're not normal, but they are certainly on the extreme end of normal. That level of distress (and trust me- I've been there, done that) is not good for you. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your loss? Given how extreme your emotions are, it sounds like finding someone to talk to (a therapist, a pastor, a friend who understands, etc) is probably a really good idea. I experienced all of those feelings and then some after my loss and it took me a couple of months of working with a really good therapist to finally start working through some of those more extreme emotions.

It took me awhile to reach out to a therpist (and then to leave her and find a new one when the first one wasn't helping me very much), but honestly, I wish I had done it even earlier. It was really a lifesaver to me to be able to cry and worry and freak out to someone who would listen, understand, and then help me work through what I was feeling.

Best of luck to you, both for a healthy pregnancy and feeling better emotionally.

 

[EarthMama]

Thanks so much for the sensitive replies ladies, I really appreciate it. My emotions have been so crazy during this pregnancy and it's still so early. I remember feeling pretty moody with my son but this time my moods seem so much more intense. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still breastfeeding my son and those hormones are clashing with the pregnancy ones, or what's going on. I actually did feel a lot better though after making this thread and just expressing myself and being HEARD!

I think part of the issue is that I live on this small Hawaiian island thousands of miles from my family and close friends, have no help ever, and my husband is almost never available except occasionally; he's finishing his education and is completely preoccupied with that. My 19 month old son is a total sweetie pie and I have never once gotten angry at him, although he does exhaust me because all he wants to do is be outside exploring the jungle. You can tell he feels sad when mommy feels sad though. I totally thought I could handle another little one and still feel that way...it's just I also feel surges of being completely overwhelmed with the onset of this precious, desired pregnancy.

I do think I would benefit from some therapy. I am going to attempt to seek out a therapist but I am doubtful I may find a good one on this island. I'll check it out.

 

[Nanaki]

Hello EarthMama,

I am not yet pregnant but trying at the moment. Let me tell you my experience and I dont know if this experience is going to help you one bit, here it goes.

I have already suffered with depression since after xmas and got pregnant in March and lost my 3rd baby in early May when I reached 12 weeks and bleed has started has sent me panic, the ladies in 1st trimester had helped me but has reassuranced me it might be nothing and the baby is fine. So I had contacted Midwife to make arrangement for me to go to EPU as i got a scan date for 12 weeks but I was before that.

So I got a really good friend to keep me company thru texting and i went in with my youngest son and was scanning but couldnt find and i cant hear a thing with my cochlear implant. When the lady told me that she was going to use transvaginal scan then I knew something wasnt right but the baby was died around 8/9 weeks. It was so awful experience for me because it was missed miscarriage that was even worse for me and rest of it was far worse to experience. A wonderful nurse who has been there few times and knows me and she even gave me a lovely hug that I would never forget.

My depression got worse after that but lucky I was already seeing a counseller and it dont relate to my current problem but it did helped though and currently I am transferring to different counseller with sign language.

Believe me, talk to someone about your sufferings and other things does help and go for it and ask for help or seeing someone to get you back on track with your emotions and help you to move on from something you might be stuck and you might feel like it is staying with you forever. But please don't feel frightening to ask for help and it will worth it in the end and you will feel a bit better bit by bit.

But at the same time I do feel scared to be pregnant again and thinking it might be happening to me again.

Please do let me know any updates on whatever you are going to do.

 

[Nimyra]

Hi Sweetie,

I'll join you here. I think the others might be on to something about looking into PPD and on-going grief. I know you were feeling pretty bad still before your bfp, and they are right, a BFP is NOT an instant cure... in some ways its worse because now you have to experience all that anxiety again about this baby.

I also think you sound tired and like you could use more help and support. Do you have any supportive friends or family members who could come visit you and help you out?

Hang in there... keep talking to your doctor about what you are experiencing and what you need. Could you pay for a private scan if it came to it?

 

[EarthMama]

I can't thank you ladies enough for the support, empathy and sharing, thank you loads. It feels very good to just be heard out and my feeling validated. I am definitely having some crazy hormonal stuff going on that doesn't seem like it is quite normal. I think it's entirely likely I have PPD from the MC. It just really really...hurt me...I took it so personally. It made me question so much, not just about pregnancy but also just life in general. What really tripped me out was that I had known from the time I'd gotten the bfp for my MC that it wasn't going to work, I had a lot of signs that the pregnancy wasn't viable early on, but of course I kept hoping. It was just a life-changing event for sure.

After my hormones settled a bit from the MC I sort of made myself forget about it, threw myself into my creative work and mothering my son, did some traveling over the summer and just generally pushed it to the background...

Getting another BFP is definitely bringing out a lot of unresolved grief.

Hi Sweetie,

I'll join you here. I think the others might be on to something about looking into PPD and on-going grief. I know you were feeling pretty bad still before your bfp, and they are right, a BFP is NOT an instant cure... in some ways its worse because now you have to experience all that anxiety again about this baby.

I also think you sound tired and like you could use more help and support. Do you have any supportive friends or family members who could come visit you and help you out?

Hang in there... keep talking to your doctor about what you are experiencing and what you need. Could you pay for a private scan if it came to it?

I think I'm going to wait until the scan at 9/10 weeks (can't remember when it is right now exactly). That's exactly how far along I was when I went to go get scanned and got the news about the MMC so...it's going to be a fateful day I'm sure.

My mom said that if all goes well she'll come out here to help me but that won't be until late May. In the meantime I will just have to find the strength to process through everything and manage on my own.

But I am going to try to find a therapist.

Gotta go...toddler on the run...

 

[Nimyra]

I like what you said, EarthMama about taking it personal. I think all losses are like that. They are personal. Like the universe or God has singled you out this time. ... and you lose your sense of invincibility. Before it seemed like really bad things only happened to other people. Now I know they can happen to me too.

It shook me too, hard.

And there is a loss in that too... the loss of innocence is profound.

My faith has actually grown stronger through all of this... and I am learning to be more humble in what I think is MINE and what I think I can control. I hope that will carry me through.

Bless you all.

 

[dairymomma]

I'm glad you are feeling better, Earthmama. I hope you can find someone to talk to who you really like and trust. I found talking to a counselor helped me the most because I was talking to someone who wasn't there to judge me, wasn't there to make me feel weak for not being SuperMom, wasn't in the situation itself so they could view it impersonally. She was just basically an anonymous person willing to listen and with her, I was able to fully break down and let my emotions out. I've since continued to talk to people-my husband, my family, my minister, my doctors-about my mental and emotional health because now that I am feeling better, I don't want to ever go back to feeling that way again. Good luck and I hope you get some peace of mind soon. I know how exhausting it is to feel so much grief and fear on top of being pregnant and having a toddler to chase after. Will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes!

 

[Butterball Ma]

I will tell you what my doctor told me after finding out I was pregnant again after a mmc. You already have 1 living child, which speaks volumes to future children. What happened before was an anomaly and there's no reason this pregnancy won't be successful.

You'll be scared til you're holding that baby in your arms. I'm almost 32 wks and I still worry every now and then. Try to see every day as one step closer. It's easier that way and gives you hope. I'm sure you will be fine and you'll end up with a happy, healthy baby this time

 

[EarthMama]

Thanks ladies. I am having another rough day today. For a little while it seemed the emotions had cleared and now I'm just struggling big time again. Feeling very down and like I'm a terrible mom for not being happier and more upbeat for my precious son. I'm doing my best but did not get a lot of sleep last night. My son is perma-nursing all night...just nonstop nursing. I think this is because my milk supply is changing. I can't sleep when he nurses and nurses, it's very uncomfortable, I start to feel nauseous and irritable. But if I kick him off the breast he cries, and he will wake my husband and the other people in our intentional community.

My living situation is really making me depressed. We live in an intentional community in the jungle (sort of like a hippie commune) and I can't let my son cry at night because it will wake people up. I am feeling like I need to leave here so that I can night wean my son because I am just shattered. However I am not sure where I can go...I have called a few cabins in the area so that our family can have more privacy to simply be a family, and so many people on this island will not rent to people with kids. It's ridiculous. I am really at a loss.

This is all just so crazy because I thought for sure I would be able to handle being pregnant and having a baby here. but now that I am, I am just noticing so many things wrong with the place (like people complaining to me when my 19 month old is too loud) and know I have to go. I just don't know where. I feel like I want to leave the island altogether at this point.

So much is uncertain...what's funny is that the reason why I thought I could handle another baby is because at the time, things felt so STABLE. Now they feel the opposite. Not sure if it's just hormones or the truth of the situation.

Anyway, I have made an appointment with a counselor in 2 weeks so at least I will have someone to talk to.

23 days until my scan...

 

[dairymomma]

Just stopped in to see how you are doing. I am sorry you still feel so unsettled but it looks like you are working on finding a positive solution and it's encouraging that you were able to find a counselor. I hope you are able to find a better living solution but it's not very understanding of the people in your community to complain about your son. He's a toddler for heaven's sake. Kids are supposed to be noisy! As for weaning him at night, would it be possible to give him a bottle or sippy cup of milk (or formula if you'd rather) at bedtime? That's what worked best for me. Also, he might be nursing nonstop because he's not getting enough. I've had to wean both my kids to bottles around 5-6 months because I had gotten pregnant and my milk supply simply dried up once my pregnancy hormones kicked in. As much as I wanted to nurse to at least a year, I just didn't have the milk anymore and what little milk I was still making, they wouldn't drink because my hormones made it taste awful.

 

[Nimyra]

Oh, EarthMama, that stinks... Are you the only people in your community with small children? Naturally little ones are noisy and there are howling nights. Its too bad they don't have a place for that where you live.

Maybe it is time to take a break from your community.



What does your husband think?

Also, could you sleep elsewhere but have your son sleep with Dad? That'd be one way to wean. No mommy, no milk.

 

[EarthMama]

Yep, we're the only people here with a kid younger then 6 at this point! The property owner/community leader is very baby-friendly so I know he doesn't have a problem with our noise level. It's just our crotchety neighbor in a nearby hut who is making a fuss I found out. But to be honest I have been here way longer then he has so maybe I will just wait him out, lol.

I am doing better today in an emotional sense...in a physical sense I've started feeling sick, just pretty queasy and burping a lot. Also constipated and with a very weird metallic taste in my mouth. I am not complaining though. I'm around 6 weeks pregnant so MS is right on schedule. Still shattered from not getting as much sleep but I have started doing affirmations and mantras and they are really helping with my nerves at least. This community has a yoga teacher who has been trying to get me to come to classes, and I haven't been feeling up to it, but maybe one of these days. I usually practice yoga but right now just feeling unwell and like I don't want to do anything.

Thanks for the weaning advice ladies. I think we need to night-wean at least, as I don't know how on Earth I could function waking up for both a newborn and a toddler at night. I might try to wait on night weaning until December if I can handle it until then....I was told by my husband that we'll be able to find a nicer more private and expensive place around that time.

He's getting his Masters at University in Hilo...(an hour away) and we have lived at this community because it's so cheap and we can use our rent money to build on our hut and make it nicer for the owner (basically work trade). But by January my hubs said we should be able to afford a nicer place for me to nest in .

So it looks like I just gotta stick out living here until then. The other option is flying to go spend time with my mom this fall in Texas...I really miss her, especially while pregnant.

Appreciate just being heard, as always.

 

[Topanga053]

Earthmama, this has nothing to do with this thread, but I just have to say how interesting I find your living situation! It's so different than anything I've been exposed to before, so I'm fascinated! I feel like I want to ask you more questions about it, but I don't know what to ask!!

 

[Kasey84]

Earthmama- sorry you've been having such a hard time. PAL is certainly a roller coaster ride of emotions and I've found it can be very overwhelming! I miss the innocence I felt in pregnancy before my mc. In pregnancy before a loss, you may know bad things can happen, but your don't think it will happen to you. Now that I know loss first hand, pregnancy is all the more scary! To make matters worse, the worries and fears I've experienced during this pregnancy have made it difficult for me to feel attached and bonded with this baby. This of course makes me feel terribly guilty!

Another thing I found hard was realizing that a new pregnancy does not mean your grief from a previous loss will go away. If anything, being pregnant again has made me think of my previous pregnancy and mc even more.

Sadness, worry, fear, and anxiety are all normal emotions to feel. If your grief is not easing though and it's interfering with your daily functioning then the best thing you can do is seek help with a counsellor. I'm glad you pursued that and I hope you find it to be helpful!

It must be hard to be away from family too! Sounds like a visit to your mom would be a great idea! I hope you and your oh are able to find the living situation your hoping for in January! I have to agree with Topanga- your community sounds very interesting!

Hope ms isn't too hard on you! Mine started around week 7, but is gone now at week 11. I also had some constipation issues. Found that prunes/prune juice helped with that.

I'll admit I still worry, but as the weeks pass and my appointments/scan continues to go well, I feel just a little more confident that everything will be ok.

Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way

 

[amjon]

I had a 27 week stillborn, then a MMC that stopped growing just after our 6 week U/S, then a chemical pregnancy before I conceived our rainbow twins. I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy, but kept insisting they look for answers and was followed very closely by a wonderful MFM. They arrived healthy and happy at 37 weeks.

 

[Drsamyjohn]

Earthmama,

These ladies have already said everything I wanted to say...I just wanted to reply and have you know your support system is growing.
I am thinking about you and hoping things go well for you.
Honestly, I think if I were in your situation, I would get on the next plane and go home to my Mom for a while. That could give you enough of a pressure release to gather your thoughts, get some rest, wean your son, even see a counselor in Texas!

Please please keep posting, these ladies and this forum are/is phenomenal! We all know how it feels to lose babies, and truly care about other women in the same situation.

All my best,
Amy

 

[FeLynn]

My 1st loss was a missed miscarriage! Was suppose to be 11 weeks baby stopped at 5.5 weeks! It didn't sink in and affect me I think I blacked it out I was numb I didn't want to think about it! By the time I had my 3rd loss that is when it all hit me full force! After a week of crying I turned very angry. After 6 months I decided to seek therapy which helped very little after a few sessions I stopped it wasn't working! I'm 5.2 weeks with twins I'm really tired moody hungry and that's about it! I had sore boobs but they aren't sore any more! I feel sick here and there but it's not constant and have yet to throw up! I'm fearful of miscarrying again and worried about the birth! But I have to think positive stress won't help my babies! On top of my prenatal and follic acid and b12 drops my dr put me on baby aspirin and progesterone ! I can only hope for the best

 

[Topanga053]

FeLynn, congrats on your twins!!! What exciting news!! Fingers crossed for a H&H 9 months for you!!