I'm back! With a long question about access

[jessrabbit]

Don't think I've been on here since I was pregnant! Back now as things with LO's dad have reached a big cross roads. I didn't put him on the birth certificate and told him to get on it to get a residency order arranged in my favour and then he could go on it. History is we were never together, he was a rebound fling on my part and he is and was a stranger so there was no way I was going to let him have parental responsibility without legally agreeing me as the parent with residency. However, he never bothered to do this.

I told him yesterday after a lot of soul searching that if he wants to continue access he needs to go and arrange a contact centre. This is because after 18 months since the birth if LO Of trying to accommodate his visits at my house, he still can't be trusted to meet his basic needs. For example he will leave him in a soiled nappy until he is told to change it as he pretends he hasn't noticed. He has no respect whatsoever for my house or belongings and leaves the place in a mess. I questioned whether or not he actually wants To be involved anymore as he doesn't contact at all between visits to see how LO is. He comes for a few hours a fortnight and now LO who is a very gentle and well balanced toddler screams blue murder when anywhere near him. My instincts are screaming there is something very wrong about LO's reaction to him and he might be a bit shy with others but never distraught. His dad is very rough with him, when I've pointed this put he says he is just playful, mimicking him when he thinks I can't here him and teases him with toys, which totally bewilders LO.

He got very nasty with me and between the lines said that he thinks I trapped him and don't want him around and he is very resentful of the situation. I've always tried to put LO's best interests first and assumed that seeing his dad was in his best interests, I've tried having my parents supervise visits with him but they feel he is too rough and that he can't be left alone with him. He does stupid things like giving him calpol without asking me first. The worst thing he did was when I told him not to go to sleep
With a newborn in bed with him he did it anyway and then told me I was being silly and cot death was a myth!

Reason for my post is he is adamant that he has already been to a solicitor and they have said he will have overnight access within six months to a year. He lives three hours away, doesn't drive and lives in a sorry shared house which is in no way safe or suitable for a toddler. I haven't said he can't see him, just that he needs to organise contact centre visits as I can't tolerate him in my house any longer and feel in light of LO's reaction to him that we need to start doing access in a more official format. He won't get overnight access will he?

 

[Ceejay123]

How olds your little one sweetie?

My other half went to court to see his son. He had six supervised sessions while a cafcass report was carried out. He then had six sessions with a place called action for children, at which point the child's grandmother was slowly removed. After this they offered him unsupervised access over the phone. (Cafcass did). He told the cafcass worker that he would carry on seeing him supervised for a while to try to protect the feelings of the child's mum. ( I was there for the conversation and she was very impressed/commended him for being so thoughtful). Anyway, she told him by this point he would have been having unsupervised, working to a full day each week over 6 weeks.. So that Would have been 18 sessions after seeing him, but 2 years after beginning the court process.

After 2 years at court, when his son was 2.5, he was in a position to ask for full day weekly contact, changing to fortnightly overnight weekends if he wanted to ask for it. He wasn't quite ready at the time, but that's how long it took.

Courts not a quick process, and legal aid has been scrapped more or less... Which means he'll have to pay for it. Costs tend to be £250 per hearing, £3-400 per directions appointment with a solicitor unless he wants to represent himself. My other half's last case cost £7.5k. Is he in a position to do this? It also means you'd have to pay to be represented, except in cases with proved domestic violence. (Injunction, police caution, finding of fact hearing). They would send you to a mediator first, to try to work out an agreement. I doubt he's spoken to a solicitor because a general advice session for my other half was £200 each time. My other half chose it was worth paying it, but I know a lot of men won't x

 

[jessrabbit]

He is nineteen months old now. Do you think the fact that we were never actually together and he isn't on the birth certificate makes any difference. TBH I would be really surprised if he did anything once he realises the costs involved. He spends all his spare cash on holidays and nights out. Hasn't bought LO so much as a baby wipe for the last year and only pays CSA as I get it directly from his wages. Thanks for replying, sorting here worrying no nothing will get granted that quickly just need reassurance I guess

 

[Ceejay123]

He is nineteen months old now. Do you think the fact that we were never actually together and he isn't on the birth certificate makes any difference. TBH I would be really surprised if he did anything once he realises the costs involved. He spends all his spare cash on holidays and nights out. Hasn't bought LO so much as a baby wipe for the last year and only pays CSA as I get it directly from his wages. Thanks for replying, sorting here worrying no nothing will get granted that quickly just need reassurance I guess

Honestly honey, I think he'll threaten you... And then sit at mediation and talk to you. It's the only free option, you have to be really serious about it to go to court with the costs involved. I doubt he's even spoken to a solicitor yet, if you've not received a letter. My other half's charges £200 +vat for an advice session. So £250 for that, £250 ish for the hearing including vat, £350-400 for a directions appointment. Each hearing is likely to cost £1000-1500, and its unlikely he'd need only one. My other half had around half a dozen from what I remember.

My other half was only with his ex a couple of months, honestly they don't care about the relationship of the parents at all really. They say its not important as its about the children, which is true. But if you have genuine concerns over your child's welfare with him, you can force him to go to parenting classes/jump through hoops with cafcass, I doubt it'll even get that far.

As for the birth certificate issue, this simply means he has no rights to your child at the minute.my other half wasn't on his sons birth certificate. He gained a parental responsibility order through the courts (after 2 years) and then through this was able to make an application to add his name to the birth certificate which means he now has rights with schools/medical decisions etc.

No problem Hun, you're welcome to pm me at any point x

 

[jessrabbit]

Thanks you've been really helpful. I'm guessing ill be back on here more often now. Been reading through posts and had forgotten how useful it is and how it makes you feel less like you're on your own x