I'm pregnant & she's not

[maddy1]

Hi ladies,

I need advice on a sensitive issue.

I've been working with colleague who has become a good friend over the past 3 years, none of us have children yet and are both ttc. Last year she started ttc via ivf for 3 cycles which failed and another failed cycle this year. She's taking a break now from back-to-back treatments atm.

I've always been a supportive listener and haven't really shared my ttc struggles of the past 4 years with her. She knows that I had a MC last year, went thru a d&c. I shared this with her after the loss occurred.

Now I found out I am pregnant with my rainbow. Which is great news for me. But I can see where telling her that could be a devastating experience, especially if she just had her last ivf cycle with no results n will be looking to switch doctors.

So the question: how do I tell her? I'm 8 weeks now and will share with my manager at the end of April (12th week). I feel guilty for not sharing with my friend and feel like this will really upset her with everything she's been going thru. If I don't tell her, she may think that was rude as well? I'm not sure how to handle this in a sensitive way without affecting the friendship we have. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

 

[swimmyj1]

1st congrats! I completely understand your situation. I have been really good friends with 2 women and we have been doing the LTTTC journey together. We had all said so many times about how devastating it was to find out someone had gotten pregnant after our cycles over and over had failed. I was really surprised though by both of them when I finally gave them my good news. They were upset that I hadn't told them sooner (I waited until 10 weeks). Now being almost 1/2 way done, they still ask about how things are going often and I want to know how they are still going on trying. Just try and be aware that she may not want to hear that you hate morning sickness or how tired you are, when shes wanting that herself.


I will admit even still when someone says they accidentally got pregnant or the famous "just relax it will happen" I still get upset, knowing so many people are still trying for their rainbows.
So if you feel like she is someone you have shared the LTTTC jounery with I would hope she is just as excited for you as my friends were.

Fingers crossed your rainbow is a healthy sticky bean!

 

[Wombat]

Hi there and congratulations.

I think pregnancy is a really personal thing. We didn't tell anyone except my mum, my accountant (for maternity pay) and one my best friend until 12 weeks (anything can happen, so we didn't want to jinx it). And now, since I am still not showing, I do not feel the need to tell anyone else still...

If you do not feel comfortable telling her yet - don't.
Wait till you have your 12 week scan, and when you are more relaxed and all the worries of the first trimester are gone - then gently tell. But, be prepared, she might be upset and you might have to give her time.

 

[lilesMom]

If I was your friend I want to know even if it hurt a little xx
But it shows your a good considerate friend for thinking this way xx
When ur ready for her to know just tell her.
But id maybe say as well that if she doesn't want baby talk at anytime its ok to let u know.
Congrats hon on being preg
Happy and healthy preg to u xxx

 

[xQuinnx]

I'm worried about telling one of my friends too who's had multiple losses...something someone told me is that as hard as it is if friends do get upset they are upset about their losses not that you are pregnant if that makes sense? I'm sure she will understand and be happy for you even if it takes time

 

[ElmoBumpToBe]

In my limited experience of this, we where saving for IVF and I was confiding in particular with my friend who had 4 children (I should say that I myself had three as well). They weren't planning on having more or so they had said, I was talking to her about how hard I was finding it etc but unbeknownst to me she was pregnant with number 5 - I was happy that she was pregnant they are a wonderful family, but I wish she had told me sooner and not let me go on about how hard it was. I felt a little hurt that she hadn't let on to me that she was in fact pregnant. So I would tell her, but if you aren't ready to tell her yet then that's different and your choice completely Hun. Just don't imagine that you are doing her a favour by not saying Anytning as I think she would probably prefer to know xx

 

[xdxxtx]

I've been through this one before. Many times. It's rough. But, I would tell her, and I would just be sensitive about it. We can't always walk on eggshells or avoid being happy with our own lives to try not to hurt other people. But she's your friend, and she should be happy for you, even if she feels badly for herself. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

 

[maryanne1987]

Firstly I think it's lovely that you are considering the feelings of your friend!

I've been that woman people were afraid to tell, many many times. For years people would tip toe around me, afraid of sharing their news in case it upset me. Realistically hearing someone's pregnancy news sucks massively when you are in the dark days of ltttc. When it comes to breaking the news don't tip toe around, just be honest. She will appreciate it. Understand her reaction may at first not be positive, give her time, give her space, and if she values your friendship she will overcome these feelings. Obviously though have a little understanding that she may not want a scan picture shoved in her face every two weeks over morning coffee or constant talk about babies. I know that's what I always found tough and sometimes I felt annoyed at friends for being so insensitive when I was doing my best to put on a brave face and be happy for them. I know its hard when your so excited you want to talk non stop about pregnancy/baby related topics but she's might be one friend you have to understand might not be able to join in the excitement. It's not you or your baby, it's the anger and upset at not being able to have the same.

Huge congrats on your bfp and try not to let this spoil your pregnancy for you. At the end of the day you have been through a loss and you deserve to be excited for the arrival of your rainbow!

 

[bjl1981]

I would say put yourself in her shoes. If she came to you and explained she was pregnant how would you feel (hypothetically, you not being pregnant and still TTC). How would you feel if she waited until it was obvious, or found out from someone else?
I'm sure she will be pleased for you being pregnant, even if a little disappointed that she still isnt. At the end of the day do what is right for you, everyone is different.

 

[Bekah78]

Congratulations on your BFP.

It took 10 years and 4 IVF cycles for me and DH to finally get our BFP. We had friends tell us about their BFPs early on and those that kept the news from us, including one who didn't tell us at all and I found out they'd had a baby through a mutual friend. From my experience not being told is far more painful. It felt like we were outcasts if that makes sense. The friends that told us understood that any upset was not at them being pregnant but that we were hurting that it still hasn't happened for us. I would never have wished what we went through on any of our friends and was always pleased for them.

It won't be easy to tell her, but if it was me I would do it early so she doesn't hear from someone else and has to try and take in the news and put on a brave face.

Hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months.

 

[george83]

I would also think about how to tell her your news, for example first thing at the start of your working day together probably wouldn't go down well but maybe a discreet email or text (depending on how you usually communicate) might be thoughtful. She doesn't have to respond instantly then if she finds it too difficult nor does she have to put on a brave face and smile when she might simply need a great big cry. As pp said she won't be unhappy that your pregnant but sad for her own situation.

Congratulations by the way!!!

 

[maddy1]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you SO SO SO much for taking the time and sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate everyone's great advice.

I think I'll wait a few weeks and as many if you said and a message first, give her time to process and take it from there. Hopefully this works.