In-Laws: "Baby worst decision ever."

[MaybeMomSarah]

Hi all,

So I need some thoughts. This may be long-ish.

My OH and I have been together for 9 years, married for almost 4. Her parents have never been supportive of the relationship from day one. When we started trying to have a baby last year, we told them. At the time, they said they would never recognize the baby as their grandchild (as I'm the one carrying), that it's unfair to the child to raise them in a same-sex relationship, and we were being selfish. OH was completely devistated, but I really didn't expect any less from them and tried to support my wife. We didn't discuss it with her parents again.

When I did get pregnant, we told them right away. Again, same reaction. They actually said that this was the biggest mistake we have ever made in our lives, and went onto saying some rather insulting things.

OH brought my first scan pic for them to see, hoping that maybe they would show some interest. Suddenly things had changed. They went from completely being against everything to wanting to be involved, buying the baby things, and asking how I was doing (after not really caring about my well being for 9 years). OH was thrilled, I was skeptical.

A few weeks later, we found out why there was a "change of heart"- OH's brother's girlfriend was pregnant as well. They're going to have two grandchildren within 4 weeks of eachother.

My OH and I are of two different minds about this. She thinks it's great, everything is the way it should be with her parents "supporting" us, and happy for them to be involved. I'm the complete opposite. I think it's all a front, since they can't be seen to supporting one child and not the other (they are very concerned about how they are perceived in the village we live in - half the reason they never supported our relationship). I don't believe they feel any different at all, and I am still very concerned about our LO being exposed to family members who do not support us and accepting of him. I just keep hearing my MIL saying to us "This is the worst mistake you've ever made." Honestly, I'd almost rather them still be rejecting us and the baby so I'm not confused and I know that their feelings are genuine.

They've never apologized, never recognized what they have said was hurtful - in fact they've never even acknowledged it was said. Should I expect some kind of apology? Something to show me that this is a true turn around and not just fake? Or should I just be happy that they have seemingly changed their minds?

 

[DivaSatanica]

Wow, difficult situation for sure. I'd be of the mind to think the same way you are, I'd be skeptical and still hurt by their previous reactions. I do however understand your OH's need to feel like her parents are supportive.

Hope everything works out.

 

[amym]

I see why you're upset, but I'm not sure what good it would do to stay skeptical, iykwim?

Your OH needs to feel that her parents are nice and supportive people, and whilst you doubt that (with good reason!) maybe they have simply had a change of heart? I know it probably seems unlikely but you might find you're happier if you accept it at face value and assume all will be well...

Suppose I just think that positivity is better, for you and bean!

 

[jojo-m]

I think I'd feel the same as you hun, but it really is a bit difficult with your oh being so happy they are 'seemingly' accepting after all this time. I'm tempted to say bite your tongue for now, if they are the same small minded people who put neighbours feelings against their own daughters happiness I'd say it will all raise its head again soon enough, if not before the birth then certainly before your little man is old enough to be affected by it!

I would hope that meeting their grandson will put the past into perspective and you will have some changed in-laws on your hands. sometimes we have to 'put up' with things to make things better in the long run. My husbands mother went a bit psycho a few years ago and attacked me pulling my hair and pushed me down the step at the door because I didn't listen to her telling me to leave my poorly 1 year old with her as he was asleep. (I wanted my son home with me) we didn't speak for 18 months and it was very hard on my husband, we started talking a year ago and i mainly stay out of her way or just speak politely when I'm round there. Holding a grudge for years is not healthy I found so its best to forgive if not forget!

Good luck hope everything works out xx

 

[whoops]

I'd say just take it as it goes. Even if they are being fake, they may genuinely come round when the baby arrives. Once baby is here, play things by ear - if they are being too negative, you can always withdraw from them then. But I'd say you should at least give them a chance to prove themselves.

Congratulations to you and your OH, btw! I hope everything works out. x

 

[anna matronic]

Very difficult situation and it must have been really hard on you for the years knowing they haven't accepted you. I think the important thing is to remember that you are both gonna be great mummies end of!! I think go with it as it clearly means alot to your OH that her parents are showing an interest (whatever their motives) but for you keep it in the back of your mind how you feel. Being civil is the easiest way to be as to not cause any unessesary stress and arguments. I think it is sad that people think and feel the way that they do, but they do and there isn;t much you can do about it x x

 

[MaybeMomSarah]

Thanks everyone. I'm playing nice and being polite at this point. I'm not one to bite my tongue, so it's been hard not saying something to rock the boat!

 

[hb1]

Understand how you feel but it's your oh's family so I would go with how your oh wants to handle it - you can always tell your oh how you're feeling but just go with their decision - if it was your side of the family I think it would be totally your decision.

hx

 

[lozzy21]

Id let them get on with it for now and once baby is here, if they are genunily happy i would remind them of there words, when your OH is not there of course.

I wouldent let them forget how hurtfull there words are and even though your OH is happy of there support you havent forgotton the lack of support in the begining.

 

[emmi26]

all you can do is see how it goes hun. you never know when baby is born it really might change them !!!! unfortunately i dont think you can ever change them and its not worth upsetting yr oh by suggesting they arent sincere just carry on and keep an eye on the situation. of course if ever the time comes when you see that they are not treating yr baby as they should then you will have to take action but yr oh will understand that you will both put baby first no matter what.
congrats hun enjoy baby sounds like you and oh have a great relationship x

 

[Pixxie]

Wow what a horrid situation for you

Personally I would be expecting an apology, but you have to think about if you start demanding one they could change their minds again and I imagine your OH would be rather upset.

I think for now your best option would probably be to accept this new found interest, stay on your guard and play it by ear. It does seem like its all a front but if they are doing what you wanted them to is it really worth bringing it all back up and causing upset between you and your OH? I would just be cautious, dont say anything but not forget what they did.

Hope you sort something out xx

 

[twinmummy5]

hi i didnt wanna read and run....but if it was me id make sure that the inlaws knew the comment they made was hurtful, also ask are you really genuine about the feelings for the baby or are they faking it!
At the moment you need their support to be real and so does ur OH. if their that concerned how villagers are gonna look at them coz they have a grandchild from a same sex marriage who fault is that?? not urs hun...its summit they need to del with within themselves xxx happy pregnancy anyhow and i hope everything works out gud in the end xx

 

[AP]

Although not the same situation, my in laws werent exactly supportive either - that was until, baby arrives....

You just watch. They start crawling when they realise the reality of a baby and not other circumstances.

 

[Gary]

I would be tempted to go with the flow for a while & see how things pan out.

Don't forget that some people take time to really come to terms with same sex relationships, we shouldn't be so quick to call them for it, it isn't really their fault, it is how they were raised. A lot of people really do need time to adjust to these kind of scenarios. Make no mistake, they do love you but are just struggling with their own demons

What is most important here is that you & your 'wife' (forgive the quotes, I'm a little naive here & didn't realise the same terms were used in same sex relationships) are both healthy, happy, & looking forward to raising a beautiful baby.

Make no mistake, when the grandparents see their grandchild it will melt their hearts.

The singular most important thing is that you two are happy together in a strong relationship.

 

[ButtonJessie]

I think it's a really tricky situation for you to be in. I tend to agree with you that your wife's family are just putting a smiley face on it, but in the end i think what you need to do is go along with it, not for them but for your wife. As a non-bio mum, she's going to come up against a lot of people not accepting that she is your sons other mother, so if she feels she is getting genuine acceptance from her family, I think you should let her bask in the comfort that it affords her.

At the end of the day, they are the grandparents, and you can't keep them away from your child. All you can do is make your son feel safe and loved in your own family home. It may be more complicated because of the bio/non-bio issues you'll face, but really, all extended families are a bloody pain in the arse after all!!

 

[Mum2BeJodi]

horrible situation to be in. Can't believe some people can be like that. Hope everything works out! xx

 

[TattooedMama]

I totally understand the skepticism on your part towards the in-laws. When i was PG with my son, the fathers parents were pretty rude to me and interrogating me @ 4wks. I just made it clear that if they were not to be respectful to me then they would not be around my baby, you can't have people that would be possibly talking bad about you, disrespecting or disregarding your marriage in front of your children.

However I will say that when I told my father, he absolutely did not support the idea of my pregnancy and wanted me to terminate. He was very firm about this until I was about 9 weeks or so. My father did have a change of heart and came around and it was very much genuine. My father and my son, who is now 3 1/2, are best friends. They are crazy about each other and there is not a thing in the world my dad would not do for my son, he calls himself my sons guardian angel.

In time their intentions will come to light and though it is so easy to worry while you are pregnant, try not to. This is a happy time and all the people who are trying to ruin it, purposefully or not, can stick it where the sun don't shine. Good luck!!!

 

[kanga]

Wow, I dont envy your situ, it sounds like you have dealt with everything very commendably so far.

I would speak to one of them or both. Explain about your concerns (start out talking about the pg, how you are glad its all going well etc and any concerns you have). Then explain that another concern is their approach to the pregnancy and you just want to understand their change in heart. And it will go from there

If you odnt talk about it it will always be in your mind x

 

[MaybeMomSarah]

Thanks again everyone. It does seem the high road is the one that's the better one. It's just hard for me to swallow and think that it is truely a change of heart. I'm so anxious that its just a show.

I'm kind of also worried about the other end of things - going from hating me for "turning their daughter into a lesbian" and having a child "that's not really" my OH's, to wanting to be overly involved and dictating how to raise the baby. MIL is a bit of a control freak.

We aren't exactly following the same trains of thought that my sister-in-law (so much easer than saying OH's brother's girlfriend...), since we are going with breastfeeding (SIL says NO WAY), cloth nappies (again, out of the question for SIL), given up drinking any alcohol (SIL still drinks and smokes), and being as careful with my diet as I can (SIL still eats things that aren't suggested, like raw meats and unpasteurized cheeses). I know we are taking the more difficult road with our choices, but it's not like I got pregnant the old fashioned way either!

Don't get me wrong, my SIL and BIL are the two members of the family who tend to support OH and I the most, and we are SO thankful for that but the comparisons are already being made...

MIL has never taken well to me challenging her or her control, and I forsee a battle if she decides OH and I are doing things "wrong".

 

[TattooedMama]

Parents, in laws or your own, always seem to think that you aren't doing things right. I'm sure there will be irritating comments and unsolicited advice coming from them but its that way for every pregnant woman and new mom. You just have to stand your ground say you appreciate their concern but you and your Oh will raise your baby as the two of you see fit and there is no wrong in that.

Theres a saying, something like:
"Grandparents, the people who are sure you aren't raising your children right even though they think your children are amazing."

Unfortunately I have learned there is someone who is always overstepping themselves and trying to tell you how to be a mom, it comes with the territory. You just get used to...