In-Laws staying after baby born - Question.

[Sunshine12]

How soon after baby born would you be happy for in-laws to visit and stay over?

Scenario is that my inlaws stay nowhere near us so if they are visiting they need to stay over ( we cant have them staying in a hotel as there is more than enough room here). Me and OH just had a blazing row because he made an off the cuff comment about how they will want to come up right after baby is born to which I have said not a chance and he is not happy and thinks Im being unreasonable. Ive said to him that I want them to see baby but there is no way that they are coming to visit and stay over, for example, a couple of days after baby is here. He has said that if they ask he is not saying no as it would offend them.

Bottom line is I will put my foot down if it comes to it nearer the time if I have to but I wanted to check if you think Im being unreasonable. There is every chance my mum and dad will pop round because they live must closer by and wont be staying over but I want to make sure Im being fair about it.

Oh and there isnt one set of inlaws there are 2 and his dad is married again so it will be 2 different sets of visitors and 2 different times.

I feel like I have to be in a routine with baby first before I have to start having people staying the night.

Thoughts?? x

 

[misshopefull]

In-laws? Never! Sorry but its hard enough having a new baby with out having a load of people staying as well. I would have to be really close to my in-laws to let them stay just after I'd had a baby and I'm not!

My family live 5 hours away and only my mum will be staying when the baby is born. I have already told the rest of my family that I want them to come down around the time but would they be happy to stay in a B&B or travel lodge. They have said thats fine. We simply don't have the space and it would be too much stress.

I don't think your being unreasonable, I think your being realistic. Hopefully you and your OH can reach an agreement over this

 

[Laucu]

You are not being unreasonable at all!

When Emma was born, I didn't have any overnight visitors for....at least a month I think. Maybe longer (those early days are now hazy memories due to sleep deprivation!) Mind you my flat is very small so it would have meant them sleeping on the living room floor.

Even if your houseguests are extremely considerate and low maintenance, it is still tiring having people stay. You cannot completely 100% relax.

Put your foot down - make sure you are settled with baby before you start having people coming and going.

 

[HopingFor2v1]

I agree with you and no, you are not being unreasonable! Thankfully DH and I both agree that we would like to spend the first week alone with the baby, and then we are welcome to visitors. All of our family live a plane ride away, so we won't have anyone dropping in (thankfully!) but I do feel a slight bit of guilt telling my mom she'd have to wait a week to come out. I feel like a meany, but I really want to spend quality time with our first baby and *try* to get a routine before anyone visits!

 

[staralfur]

If my OH's parents even suggested that they wanted to stay with us right after the baby was born I'd be upset. Never in a million years would I let that happen. Mind you, we live in a one bedroom apartment...but I think even if we had a spare room I'd want nothing to do with it.

So no, you're not being unreasonable at all. Stand by your feelings/decision.

 

[Sunshine12]

In-laws? Never! Sorry but its hard enough having a new baby with out having a load of people staying as well. I would have to be really close to my in-laws to let them stay just after I'd had a baby and I'm not!

My family live 5 hours away and only my mum will be staying when the baby is born. I have already told the rest of my family that I want them to come down around the time but would they be happy to stay in a B&B or travel lodge. They have said thats fine. We simply don't have the space and it would be too much stress.

I don't think your being unreasonable, I think your being realistic. Hopefully you and your OH can reach an agreement over this

Thanks. He just doesnt get it. He said well if your mum can come then I dont see why mine cant as its her grandchild too and I dont want her or my dad feeling like they cant come and visit. I tried to explain to him that if my mum is here it will be to help me with baby and if she is it doesnt matter if Im sleeping, wandering around naked, having a bath or whatever as its my mum and its different. He doesnt get it and its driving me mental!! Ive told him I would be very surprised if they even suggest coming to stay that quickly as they are lovely people and I would hope would be understanding of my situation but if they do suggest it its all going to kick off!!! My OH wants them to come whilst he is still on paternity leave.

I only just found out yesterday that one set are coming for a week in April. News to me!!!

BTW, my mum wouldnt be coming to stay until OH goes back to work (if at all), not whilst he is off as I wanted it to be just me and him and the baby initially.x

 

[Sunshine12]

Thanks everyone else too. I only just read your posts. x

 

[notmommyyet]

Im REALLY CLOSE with my MIL and STILL wouldnt want her staying here. I dont want anybody telling me do this or do that. Just bc this is my first child doesnt mean I have no experience with children. So Ill be pissed if anybody tells me what to do

 

[Hels_Bells]

We won't be letting anyone so much as visit (except if they are dropping off food ahaha) for at least a week. I'm not sure DH knows about this yet but there ya go!

 

[Sunshine12]

Im REALLY CLOSE with my MIL and STILL wouldnt want her staying here. I dont want anybody telling me do this or do that. Just bc this is my first child doesnt mean I have no experience with children. So Ill be pissed if anybody tells me what to do

Luckily mine isnt like that and his dads wife has never had kids so wont have a clue. I just know I will feel awkward with them being there are I will be so knackered but feeling like I need to make an effort with them. I wont be able to just veg etc either.

Your responses have really helped as I know Im not being unreasonable now. If he mentions it again Im just saying no, end of, no discussion and if needsbe I will tell them myself if it arises. I feel sick at the very thought of it!!!

 

[TinySunshine]

I think you should call the in-laws in private when your OH isn't there and have a chat about the baby and how things are going. Say at some point in the conversation "I bet everyone just can't wait to see the baby once they're here, but I feel like I'll need a week or two to get used to my routine with them first." And see how they respond. Once you've sorted out the plan with them then that's problem solved. Your husband sounds worried about them being offended and building up telling them in his head to be something bad, but when he gets home if you announce that you've had a chat on the phone and the plan is for them to come down a little later, then that might be the hardest part of this problem out the way.

 

[Hels_Bells]

Im REALLY CLOSE with my MIL and STILL wouldnt want her staying here. I dont want anybody telling me do this or do that. Just bc this is my first child doesnt mean I have no experience with children. So Ill be pissed if anybody tells me what to do

Luckily mine isnt like that and his dads wife has never had kids so wont have a clue. I just know I will feel awkward with them being there are I will be so knackered but feeling like I need to make an effort with them. I wont be able to just veg etc either.

Your responses have really helped as I know Im not being unreasonable now. If he mentions it again Im just saying no, end of, no discussion and if needsbe I will tell them myself if it arises. I feel sick at the very thought of it!!!

DH's family is very pushy and I know his mom going to be angry when we tell them they can't for a week. But I don't care. They ruined our wedding, will probably ruin our baby shower (had to put them on the invite list otherwise I would have never heard the end of that one) and this is one thing I am protecting for myself. It won't be fun telling them though.

 

[justbeginning]

Wow...this is amazing! And exactly what I needed right now My mom lives in Washington, DC and we are in Nashville, TN. We don't want to tell her she can't come to see the baby in the hospital, but she also volunteered to stay for two weeks after the baby is born. It's becoming complicated trying to figure out how to tell her to come see the baby, go back home, and then come back again after a week. Poor DH...I know he wants to scream about it. It would be perfect for us to have the first week alone and then she can stay the following two weeks when DH has returned to work. He would then take the 4th week off again after she leaves.

My mom is really good at pouting too! I think we are going to offer to pay for her Southwest ticket when she comes back for the two weeks. Maybe that will smooth it over.

 

[Celesse]

I don't think anyone can really tell how soon they will be ready for overnight visitors until baby is here. You don't know what type of birth you will have, you don't know how well baby will feed. With DD I had a C-Section so needed to recover from that. And then she lost a lot of weight and had problems with feeding so I was on a very full schedule of BFing and expressing. I was pretty much constantly BFing or expressing and couldn't move much for the first 4 weeks. I had no choice but to express when visitors where there...not much fun.

I'd suggest they come for a short visit (1 or 2 nights max) and stay in a hotel soonish after baby arrives, and then come for a longer visit and stay with you when baby is more than 6 weeks old and you have had a chance to get use to being a family.

 

[Hels_Bells]

Personally, my reason for not wanting anyone here isn't about how I will feel, it's simply about wanting some privacy and alone time with DH and baby. It will be our babymoon My pregnancy book even suggested it.

 

[loverguts]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone staying for at least a few weeks, and that would only be an overnight visit at the most!
With my DS i felt so disorientated from lack of sleep that even a few days after birth i felt upset and kind of annoyed when people visited. I felt like i had to force myself to act all chirpy when really i felt like shit and just wanted to nap when my DS did!
I remember my MIL was visiting at the same time as a MW about a week after the birth and wouldn't leave my DS alone so i had to tell her all my problems i was having 'down below' and my bf problems in front of MIL, which i felt really uncomfortable doing as i hardly ever see her. Grrr!!
Never again!

 

[marley2580]

I have no problem with the inlaws visiting even in the first week, but there is no way on this planet they would get to stay at my house. My inlaws live 400 miles away, so they do have to travel to visit once the baby is here, but with both previous births there has never even been the suggestion that they stay here. Do you think they're likely to even suggest it? I don't think it would even cross my inlaws mind to stay anywhere other than a hotel of B&B.

 

[JessPape]

My mother in law will be, I doubt my father in law as he wiwll be working overseas. Howwever, I love my mil, and will ennjoy having the extrra help, her ccooking cannt cocmplain! As I know my mom won't be able to be here

 

[Sew_Sweet]

Could he at least hold them back for a week? I think that would be compromise enough really. It DOES take some getting used to. You can't be recovering, bonding with baby and entertaining guests upon your arrival home. I think of course they are going to be excited to visit right away but I don't think asking them to wait a week is a big deal. I can see why he'd want them to visit during his paternity leave though - and really that would be better if you think about it. Tell him HE is in charge of entertaining/cooking/preparing for them in that case.

 

[Rigi.kun]

If you feel like your mother in law could be a help, then it would be awesome. But if you feel like she will be a burden then you have to put your and baby's health before anything else.