Hi everybody,
I joined this forum today after finding it last night. I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to tell you my story.
My husband and I started trying for a baby at the beginning of 2009 just after we got married. We are both now 39 years old. We didn't make a concioys decision to wait, we only got together in 2006 and I was just waiting for the right man to settle down with..
Anyway due to my age we were accepted for ivf. The only things they found when examining me were a bit of endemetriosis and a bicornuate uterus-neither of which they seemed concerned about.
We were about to start treatment when we found out I was pregnant and it seemed that our dreams were coming true!
My pregnancy had some spotting at 5 and 6 weeks which we had scans for and everything looked fine. I had a bad time with pregnancy sickness all day, every day from week 6 to week 17, then things settled down and I was starting to show and feel our baby moving which was so exciting.
Then on 13th June we went to hospital as I was having some bleeding and back and pelvic pain. I had also realised that I was having contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I didn't know what they felt like.
I was examined and they told me that my membranes were coming out of my cervix. They said I should stay in hospital for a few days while they gave me nifedipine to try and stop the contractions. They told me that i was likely to lose our baby. I was 20 weeks pregnant. I was put in a
side room on a maternity ward. After 4 days the contractions still hadn't stopped. The consultant told me that they were taking me off the medication and sending me home to let nature take it's course as the baby was too early to have the steroids for her lungs and there was nothing more they could do.
I went home but on Friday 17th June I went into full labour and gave birth to our precious baby girl Erin Maya. She had already died by the time she was born although her heart had been strong up to the day before and I had felt her moving.
She was perfect and beautiful-we were and are completely heartbroken. She was cremated last Tuesday. I just keep thinking how perfect our lives could have been if she had been born later.
The docs said I have an incompetent cervix probably due to diathermy that I had for abnormal cells in 2007. I had no idea that I had a problem!
We are waiting to see the consultant in August to discuss what would happen if I got pregnant again and I think it would involve a cervical cerclage.
At the moment the thought of another pregnancy terrifies me-would a stitch work? Would I be so stressed the whole time I could bring on another miscarriage?
I know I am already a mummy to Erin but it is so cruel that I will never get to hear her voice, feed her, play with her-all the things that millions of other mums get to do all the time. It feels like our future is gone. I'm trying to be strong but my head is in bits really-I know we will never get over this but will it get easier?
Sorry to whinge on and on
Xx
Oh dear.

I lost my son at 22wks with a bulging amniotic sac. You are and will be going through some emotional grieving right now. It took me a year before I was ready again to ttc. I too have a son in heaven and went through similar questions in my head. I DIDN'T ever want to replace Jackson and I was just SO MAD. I actually felt lifeless in the first 6 months. We went to counseling to get through the emotions. I understand your sadness. You had hopes and dreams for your daughter just as we did for our son Jackson. You wonder what it would have been like to see her play and grow up and get married. Those feelings honestly will NEVER go away as I look at children my sons age and just wonder. What helped me through was my faith in God. I saw an interview with another mom who's son passed away much older and she spoke of the scripture "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord". She looked that scripture up in a concordance and the definition of to be absent from the body meant to emmigrate and to be with the Lord is to be in ones "homeland".
Through that, I learned that my fear of having lost those moments with my son that I will never get back started to change. You see, WE are the ones in a temporary home. I'm unsure if you are a believer or not...and that's okay too. But what helped me through is KNOWING that I'm not walking away from Jackson. I'm walking TOWARD him. Just as you are with your Erin. They are very much ALIVE in heaven. More alive than we are. We walk forward in our future here on earth and death is inevitable. BUT, there is life beyond this one. We'll have a WHOLE eternity with our children and according to scripture...they WILL know who we are!

What helps me to move on is knowing I'll have a whole eternity to love him, get to know him and just learn with him. It's brought great peace to my healing as the first questions and statements were like yours. The loss of our hopes and dreams, the anger, the sadness, the fear of where he is, will my son even know me?!
Over time, I learned through scripture that he WILL and HE is the one waiting for my husband and I to come HOME.
Hopefully that will give you somewhere to start in your grieving process. A bit of hope in the midst of your sorrow.
The other hope...Hunny you WILL be able to conceive again. The fact you've conceived already is a plus. If there be ANY light at the end of the tunnel it's that they know you have Incompetent Cervix and the stitch that MANY of us have had to fight for, will be something that sounds like they will put in.
I can honestly say that as of midnight tonight (Sunday) I'll be 26wks. I surpassed the 22wk milestone when Jackson passed away, I passed the 24wk viabililty milestone and I'm headed not only into the 26th week but hopefully several more. I NEVER thought I'd get here.
You will most likely be given a stitch next time and I'd also assume you'd have progesterone of some sort to stop preterm labor. BOTH I can assure you have been studied and have been known to work wonders.
Will you worry? Sadly, yes! Honestly I was on guard until the 22nd wk came and the 24wk came. I started feeling more confident when I passed 24wks and am SO excited to get to 26wks...though I'll be excited at 28wks and EXTATIC when I hit 36wks.
You will get there darlin when your ready. I can attest that the ladies in here will be of great help as they were to me and you'll find a whole lot of support to get through the scary moments. Your not alone!
Sadly it feels like we're the only one when we lose our child. I tour the cemetary that Jackson's buried at and I notice losing babies has happened for centuries. We're not only NOT alone, but we won't be the last either. Later your journey through grief and loss will minister to another who will be going through the same. In the meantime, you'll need to go through the emotions of this loss and even though you'll have a new take on life from the impact Erin had here on earth in the short time she's been here, you will find that the next child you have will also impact your life. You won't be replacing Erin, Just as I won't be replacing Jackson. You'll be ADDING to your family a child here on earth to hold for a lifetime and awaiting the day you'll hold Erin who you are walking towards.
I hope I didn't say too much, or hurt you even more. My hope is that even though your sadness is great right now...there WILL be more to look forward to and Yes darlin. You have a future here on earth that needs to be fulfilled before you get to see her. One that may consist of you giving her sisters and brothers to one day get to know as you all meet together in heaven.


I look forward to the day when you share JOY of a new pregnancy and full term birth when your ready. In the meantime, your in my thoughts and prayers.