maybebayb
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- Apr 29, 2012
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I was 28. It happened. We had an 8 year old and it happened. I didn't ever think I wanted another being 'belonging' to me. Dependency, Responsibility. It happened. Nature took over and I longed, boy how I longed. I longed to hold another baby, a baby that was mine, ours. Another genetic miracle, the cycle of life. One that we would call our own. Raise as we wished, hope all that we could, love like only parents could. Five months is all it took, we created a miracle. We got our 'bfp'. The most exciting time of my life. The what will be quickly became the what will be? and then the Ectopic happened. My baby, our baby, stuck in a no escape but death vortex. I only had one ovary, how could this happen? haven't I been dealt enough already? I had to go through this, all the why me's in the world couldn't make it go away. It was surreal. It happens to other people not me?!?
The thing about infertility is that is never goes away. It is grief that you can never explain to a normal fertile women. I grieved for the baby that would never make it to this world. I grieved for my daughter that wouldn't get a sibling to dote on for life. But most selfishly I grieved for myself.
It wasn't so much for the baby that would never be but the life in my head I had carved out for myself. My dreams, they had become eradicated before my eyes. I had put my career on hold - even deleted my career that 'was meant to be' as I knew one day it wouldn't matter as I would have the career of my dreams. Raising my babies. Staying at home with my beautiful babies. I would watch them grow and live voraciously through their created lives. I grieved for my life plan, where work wouldn't matter, and they were my work and the best creations of my life. It had all been undone and there was nothing I could do about it. IVF? maybe. It's not the same as the miracle I could've created myself. Without being probed and prodded and be coming a scientific probability, a statistic.
The most grief and hate was directed at myself.. maybe if I had never smoked.. taken illicit drugs... never had a life.. looked out for my future instead of living selfishly for the fun and the moment... the list goes on
Its strange as I haven't spent much time grieving for the loss of fertility but the loss of my life plans. Selfish? probably. But this is what I were going to do. Be a supportive wife and loving selfless mother to several children, I wanted three.. maybe even four or five if I were blessed. That was my career plan. I gave up my dreams of being the big independent successful women and helped my partner in the family business that was going to provide for us and our family. I gave up uni and focused on getting everything right to raise our beautiful children. That was ok I told myself.. take them to soccer practice, teach them to swim, give the gift of empathy. Laugh lots and live more. They would give me love. Grand babies. My daughter a loving sibling, a proud Aunty, a role model.
But its gone, its all gone and you know what? I'm ok.
I am ok with it, I'm ok.
it sux more than some can imagine but I"M OK!!
The sun still shines, the birds still chip, the cat still purrs, I am still breathing am I have the most amazing daughter anyone could wish for.
You learn. You lean to keep breathing, keep hoping, keep wishing. You learn that life still goes on. Learn that another sweet sweet baby will not stop your life going on.
I am strong. Stronger than I thought I would ever have to be. Strong for my future and the amazing things I can still achieve. I will achieve. I will be everything that my 18 year old self longed and wished for. Grief is good. It is evilly bad and emptying but its good.
I will be the person I always wanted to be whether or not I have any more kids. You can't always change your life circumstances but you can always change you mindset, your expectations. I've adapted.
I am strong.
And most importantly I am still a women.
The thing about infertility is that is never goes away. It is grief that you can never explain to a normal fertile women. I grieved for the baby that would never make it to this world. I grieved for my daughter that wouldn't get a sibling to dote on for life. But most selfishly I grieved for myself.
It wasn't so much for the baby that would never be but the life in my head I had carved out for myself. My dreams, they had become eradicated before my eyes. I had put my career on hold - even deleted my career that 'was meant to be' as I knew one day it wouldn't matter as I would have the career of my dreams. Raising my babies. Staying at home with my beautiful babies. I would watch them grow and live voraciously through their created lives. I grieved for my life plan, where work wouldn't matter, and they were my work and the best creations of my life. It had all been undone and there was nothing I could do about it. IVF? maybe. It's not the same as the miracle I could've created myself. Without being probed and prodded and be coming a scientific probability, a statistic.
The most grief and hate was directed at myself.. maybe if I had never smoked.. taken illicit drugs... never had a life.. looked out for my future instead of living selfishly for the fun and the moment... the list goes on
Its strange as I haven't spent much time grieving for the loss of fertility but the loss of my life plans. Selfish? probably. But this is what I were going to do. Be a supportive wife and loving selfless mother to several children, I wanted three.. maybe even four or five if I were blessed. That was my career plan. I gave up my dreams of being the big independent successful women and helped my partner in the family business that was going to provide for us and our family. I gave up uni and focused on getting everything right to raise our beautiful children. That was ok I told myself.. take them to soccer practice, teach them to swim, give the gift of empathy. Laugh lots and live more. They would give me love. Grand babies. My daughter a loving sibling, a proud Aunty, a role model.
But its gone, its all gone and you know what? I'm ok.
I am ok with it, I'm ok.
it sux more than some can imagine but I"M OK!!
The sun still shines, the birds still chip, the cat still purrs, I am still breathing am I have the most amazing daughter anyone could wish for.
You learn. You lean to keep breathing, keep hoping, keep wishing. You learn that life still goes on. Learn that another sweet sweet baby will not stop your life going on.
I am strong. Stronger than I thought I would ever have to be. Strong for my future and the amazing things I can still achieve. I will achieve. I will be everything that my 18 year old self longed and wished for. Grief is good. It is evilly bad and emptying but its good.
I will be the person I always wanted to be whether or not I have any more kids. You can't always change your life circumstances but you can always change you mindset, your expectations. I've adapted.
I am strong.
And most importantly I am still a women.
