Interfering In Laws... Help!

[DivineDiamond]

As the title suggests, I am having issues with my Inlaws, it's more my DH extended family rather than the Inlaws but to me they all fall into the category Inlaws (just needed to clear that up )

So we had our beautiful little girl come into the world on Jan 6th 2015, our first baby. Before I gave birth DH & I agreed only my & his parents, and his sister would only be allowed to come visit at the hospital, we didn't want to be bombarded, everyone complied with this, I know a new baby is exciting but we wanted this established so that we all knew what was what. After DD 5 Day check up, we invited people to come over a few days, then the plan was to have a week alone family time before DHbwent back to work.

My family live 300 miles away, my parents came down when I went into labour, but they respected our space and left after 5 day check up (just in case we needed anything they wanted to help out) my MIL & FIL also respected our space. Friends came over for short visits in small numbers, again respecting our wishes. DH aunt & uncle visit, and uncle informs us that we have basically been slagged off for not going around to DH grandad & grandmas house, at this point I was 6 days postnatal. My husband explained we wanted to be careful until DD had jabs, the grandparents are always ill and January is a cold time of year! Aunt tried to pressure us into going before first jabs, we stood our ground.

Following week, FIL (Aunt & FIL are Brother/Sister) asks why we haven't been round to see grandparents. We explain no visits until first jabs, FIL said ok will inform Grandparents (this would be the second time they would have been told). We said they would have to call to arrange time/day/place, FIL passed our numbers on.

First jabs come and pass, FIL asks why we haven't been there, explain no arrangements have been made, FIL asks why we haven't called the grandparents, explain DD is BF and we are both sleep deprived etc so our minds aren't in tip top shape. Urges DH to call, DH said ok when he can (he works 50 hours a week min) FIL wanted DH to call grandparents at that moment, when we was leaving to go home and put DD to bed, DH asked FIL to drop it. FIL kicks off, asking why DH won't make the call. DH has had enough at this point and blows his top. He explains that we don't want to go around there because they never have bothered with him all his life, they have always been rude towards me, grandfather has made racist comments and won't take his daughter/wife around him (I'm half Turkish) and they never even bothered to send a card, but other relatives on both sides who live far away sent gifts and cards (it's not a materialistic thing it's just the principle). FIL said he will back off.

Until yesterday, nothing has been said, now the grandparents have asked to come to our house to see DD, we don't want them in our home, Inlaws are pressuring us to let them see us. I feel like we are being completely ignored, disrespected and bullied into seeing them. Me and DH are united in this situation, but at a loss of what to do, any advice? Sorry for the long post xxxxxx

 

[ButterCup17]

Ugh this kind of stuff irritates me so much! Reminds me of my in laws. If u ask me they r totally selfish. They want what they want when they want it. They should respect and appreciate that u JUST had a baby, you need time to adjust, time to sleep, time to bond, etc. The baby will be there forever, they will have tons of chances to see her after u are ready. I say stick to your grounds and make them follow your rules!

 

[katherinegrey]

I'm going to play devils advocate and say you should let them see your daughter. Everyone else in the family has met her bar them and no wonder they're getting offended. This is a brand new relative for them and you've said no because it's cold and they're often sick? If they were sick right then, fair enough, but if they're not currently sick I'm sorry you're being unfair.
Imagine your daughter has a child. Imagine that child has a child, your great grandchild and your grandchild and partner don't want you to meet them for a few reasons that sound like excuses.
Maybe they'd give you a card in person?
Suck it up, let them meet her and they may never bother again anyway from the sound of it.
Don't cause a huge rift. Your excuses have run out.

 

[misspriss]

I have to agree with PP, she has had her jabs, they are not sick, and they are willing to put in the effort to come to you. Suck it up and let the card go, I hardly ever send cards doesn't mean I don't care.

 

[bdb84]

I do think your DH and you are being unfair. From the get go you both have said to wait until after her first set of shots, but I'm confused as to why that matters if you have allowed everyone else to meet her before her shots? Unless your husband's grandparents repeatedly fall ill to the illnesses/diseases in which her first set of shots provide protection against.. however, if that had been the case, I do believe his family would have been much more understanding.

 

[staralfur]

I have to agree that I don't see the big deal at this point. It's been 4 months, she's had her shots, and they're making the effort to come see you. If I limited my LO's visits to people who sent her gifts/cards, she wouldn't have met 90% of her family.

I think it's clear they want to meet your LO by having the other family members bring it up so many times and now they're wanting to make arrangements. I don't see what the harm is in letting them come visit for a bit.

I also wanted to add that my grandpa was super cynical before he died, he made inappropriate and sometimes infuriating remarks, I think it was a mix of being raised in a very different/less tolerant time and losing his filter as he got older. He was still my family and he still would have loved to meet my LO if he had been alive when she was born. I would have happily bitten my tongue for a couple of hours so he could meet her. If he wanted to come talk to her about his thoughts on race or homosexuality when she was an impressionable child who could understand what he was saying, then hell no. But a short visit as a young baby? I would feel awful denying him that as her great-grandfather.

 

[DivineDiamond]

Thank you all for your feedback, really appreciated . I am trying to see it from their point of view, but I think what is mainly holding us back is the fact that my DH hasn't heard from them in the last five years, even when we was carrying they said they didn't want to no our child as she would be mixed heritage, sorry I didn't put that before didn't realise I forgot to post that point. I feel very uncomfortable around them, but I do understand that if I don't let them see her it's going to be depriving her, I know it seems a bit selfish looking back at what I've written. I've posted on here because it's nice to get some perspective from the outside.

What should I do if we go round and they begin to be rude to me and my daughter? That's not an aggressive question I'm just genuinely asking, because I think we should just bite the bullet and go and see them x

 

[bdb84]

You let them know that their actions are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. If they continue, you leave. Don't let them make you out to be the bad guy. Give them a chance, and if they ruin it, then at least you know you were the bigger person.

 

[LoveCakes]

If they are asking to see her it might be they have changed their mind. Its worth a try. Plus were you always planning not to see them? It's just saying you were waiting for her jabs then saying something else looks odd even if it isn't. Especially as it is only them. The first jabs are for polio, diphtheria etc... Which are only first boostèrs so not fully protection until the second.

Test the water. I'd rather go to them or meet somewhere public so if you're uncomfortable you can just leave rather that try to kick them out.

 

[Larkspur]

Yeah, I think you have probably confused a lot of the family by not being clear about the reason you have been unwilling to see the grandparents.

If it's about them saying "We don't want to know that child, it's mixed race," then you'd be well within your rights to say upfront that you're glad they've changed their minds about what they said, but you're still hurt by it and would like an apology before the visit proceeds.

 

[horseybird]

It's so tricky x definitely meet them somewhere public so if they start being rude you can say " this is not appropriate and part of the reason of not wanting to meet up " think you have to give it a chance though .

We have tricky relatives so I understand it's hard. My aunt and uncle live abroad, they come over here regularly though. On the day that my daughter was born they got upset they I didn't allow them to meet my daughter that day as they were flying back. I had only had her 6 hours before and was knackered! I had to put up with 2 weeks of bitchy emails before I snapped and spoke my mind.

Think being fair but straight is always the best way. No misunderstandings then.

Good luck xx

 

[DivineDiamond]

Update:

So discussed all this with DH last night, he said he will bite the bullet and go see them with me.

We checked it was ok to go around to visit today (apologising for short notice), DH only day off this week, they said "if you must". We figured since it's been a while since DD was born they might be disgruntled, so we just ignored the tone. Arrived at arranged time, DD teething and didn't sleep so good the previous night so today she was especially clingy to me, even DH couldn't hold her for long without DD getting upset. When we walked in, DD cried a little but quickly calmed down when I soothed her.

Awkward silence passes, me and DH try to make conversation, Granddad says "why did you have to come at this time, there's something we wanted to watch" DH replies that we are there as arranged time. Granddad/grandma don't say anything to me, grandma tries to snatch DD out my hands and DD screams, I say "I'm sorry she's teething she won't let anyone hold her, we all had a bad night too" Grandma says "you obviously have no clue what to do, give her to me I know how to settle her" I paused and looked at DH, then replied, "I'm going to have to say no, thank you for trying to help but she just wants her mum" Grandma snorts and asks why we didn't go around there straight after the birth, We explained that all family were welcome to come visit, we all live close to each other. Grandad then calls me a selfish cow and says that" only wanted to see DD out of curiosity of what 'it' would look like coming from a parasite like you" Myself and DH were gobsmacked and didn't know what to say. DD still crying, DH looking like he's going to blow his top, I said "we're leaving, we won't be coming around again, do not pressure anyone into asking us to visit again, we will not." DH said a few choice words I didn't hear it all I had to walk out I burst into tears.

Worst mistake giving them a chance, if any family member asks us to go again we are well within our rights to refuse yes? Xx

 

[ButterCup17]

Yes! Big jerks. You're a better person than me, I wouldn't have went in the forts place

 

[horseybird]

Wow. Shocking x well done though you tried and now conscience is now clear.

I have this little philosophy " only stress about what you can change" unfortunately some people will always be mean x

 

[katherinegrey]

Well at least you tried. Even if they were offended there was absolutely no excuse for that level of rudeness. At least you have a solid reason to give to his family if they ever bring it up again

 

[misspriss]

Wow. I can't believe they would behave like this. At least you were the bigger person and gave them a chance. I would make sure anyone who even SUGGESTS you give them a visit knows how nasty and vile it was.

 

[Prinny_1]

Poor you. I hope you're feeling ok now. You must have been really shaken up by being verbally abused in front of your daughter. They are clearly very ignorant people. Well done you for giving them a chance; they've proved they don't deserve it and now they are no longer part of your life. Big hugs, xx

 

[Larkspur]

Well. On the bright side, you can refuse to see them ever again with a clear conscience. What unbelievably awful people.

 

[Sqwidge]

Omfg what the actual hell?

I know the older generation have weird ideas about race etc...but seriously, wtf?

Massive hugs to you, your little girl and your hubby, no one deserves that kind of abuse. xxxx

 

[Itsychik]

Poor you. I hope you're feeling ok now. You must have been really shaken up by being verbally abused in front of your daughter. They are clearly very ignorant people. Well done you for giving them a chance; they've proved they don't deserve it and now they are no longer part of your life. Big hugs, xx

^^ this.

How awful for you Is it worthwhile to discuss with your FIL to tell him and maybe have him act as a buffer to the rest of the family so you don't get bombarded with requests in the future?

So sorry you've had to deal with that