Involving family members in drs appts

[Pulirula]

With my first child my mom went to the gender sono because my hubs really didn't care to go. She was also in the delivery room with us. But ever since the she has had this entitlement to our daughter. Like she gets mad when she doesn't see her every few days and it's so stressful. We try to distance ourselves from them but my mom will literally drag my dad over to our house if we don't go there enough. We have told her to back off but it doesn't work. My hubs leaves when they come. I DO NOT want my mom as involved in this pregnancy. I just told her that hubs job was moved so he's 5 min from the hospital so he can go to the gender appt. ya know, thinking tha would be a subtle enough hint but then she goes "I wanna go!" Ugh it's just annoying as hell. We haven't even discussed her not being in the labor room. Does anyone else deal with mothers like this?

 

[Savasanna]

Not with my mother but I have a feeling my MIL will be like this. None of either of our families are local so the regular appointments aren't an issue, but I'd like my mother to be in the delivery room and I'm fairly sure this is going to drive MIL insane.

I'm sorry your mother is overstepping her boundaries. Maybe it's best to be honest? Instead of saying your husband is going to the gender appointment because it's more convenient with his work, say you want this to be something special for just the two of you? That may or may not work, I know relationship dynamics can be a little tricky sometimes.

 

[Pulirula]

It's hard that she's premetapausal right now. Idk if that's spelled right lol. My daughter wants to go to all the appts she cans she's 7 so she understands all of this baby stuff and she wants to be involved. I don't really want to roll into the OBs office with my hubs, daughter and mom. We debating moving further away but they woman would probably follow us!

 

[SonnyH]

Can you not say that you've been told it can only be one other person and quite rightly your husband is going? I'm not sure where you are based but I was only allowed to take one person in with me in the UK! Or, the easier answer is not to tell her the date! And don't tell her when you've gone into labour, just go to the hospital yourself and keep quiet until the baby is born! I really don't understand parents who think they are entitled to these things. As I'm very much down the line that pregnancy and becoming a parent is between me and my OH. He comes to the scans, it'll be me & him at the birth. It is our child. Not theirs. My Mum can be a bit opinionated and doesn't always like it if things aren't done as she expects them to be. But she has become much better at acknowledging that I have to choose how to live my life at least. I've learnt to be a bit more assertive I think. Someone once told me that only you have to live your life. No-one else. If you don't like something, don't do it. If something is making you unhappy, leave. Move away from it. Stop what you are doing. etc etc. You don't have to tell your mum anything about your scan dates or labour! Or just keep reiterating that this time, its you and your OH. If she went as far as to turn up at the hospital, you can ask her to leave and tell the medical professionals you do not want her in there with you! That's your legal right, they will prevent her from going in!

 

[spunky84]

That sounds absolutely frustrating that your mom is overstepping so many boundaries

I agree about saying that they've changed the rules where only one support person is allowed, and your DH wants to go see HIS child. If she's just won't drop it, I'd say just don't tell her when your appointment is. She should only be involved when you are wanting her to be.

I've involved my mom at times, but not always. I'm fortunate that she's been pretty good with boundaries (crosses them from time to time, but otherwise good with them). Personally, I wouldn't want my mom at my appointments or routine scans. I feel like that's just too personal. Though I did say that if for some reason DH couldn't be there for our c section, I would want my mom there (as I want a support person, and I think she'd love it).

We've done some private pay scans. We only did one with DD (3D) that we invited her to. With DS, I had a 2D which was only with DH and DD as he didn't get to see any of the early scans I had because of his work schedule. We also had a 3D later on which we invited my mom to.

Is it possible keep your routine scans to just you and DH (if he wants) and then maybe do a private scan where she can go? I know that even might be kind of hard if there are boundary issues.

Either way, with the boundary issues, as hard as it is, boundaries need to be set (which I know is hard). I really hope you're able to get some boundaries set with more - or at least, that she respects and listens to them!

 

[Scout]

If you don't feel comfortable just telling her the truth...that you don't want her there, or if she doesn't listen when you do tell her(which is what it sounds like), then I'd not tell her when the scans were. If she asks, tell her you don't know yet, or change the subject if you can. If she gets mad, she'll get over it.

My mom used to be like what you describe. She crossed boundaries all the time and it seemed like she thought I was just an extension of her and not a person with my own needs and wants. I finally had to be very firm with her and tell her that if she didn't listen to me then I'd walk away and she'd not see me again. I hated to do that, but I had to be extreme for her to 'get it'. She did finally 'get it', and we have a good rel'ship now. I do, at times, have to remind her when she's overstepping, but she's good about acknowledging it and stepping back. Good luck.

 

[xdxxtx]

My heart breaks reading these posts... You mother sounds like how I'll probably be someday. I just love my kids so much and will be THRILLED to be a grandparent someday and to love on my grandbabies and be involved in raising them. I can imagine that when you've told her to "back off" a bit, she probably twisted your words around to mean "back off today" or "back off from this particular subject" because she doesn't want to hear that she's overstepping her boundaries.

From what I'm reading, you've been more than understanding. You've given into her wants quite a bit and have tried to keep her happy, and you're tired of it. You're ready to stand on your own two feet and do your own thing, and she can't be involved through every moment, as much as she would probably love to be.

As a future grandparent,... is there any way, if this isn't happening already, that Grandparents can have a date night each week with your daughter? Would everyone be up for that? You could drop her off and then go off to dinner with your husband or something? Or just go home and watch a movie and snuggle? Maybe a Sunday brunch? I just feel bad for your mom. Seems like she's going through some serious empty nest syndrome.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I could've written this post myself, minus the fact that after my first was born, my mother didn't care much about my subsequent pregnancies. She was adamant about watching my first born for appointments though but she never asked to go to any appointments with my other pregnancies. With my first she wouldn't leave me alone about going to appointments and would be hounding me about how they went if she wasn't able to attend due to work. Not only was she there during the delivery but she brought my dad in the room too (even though I specifically wrote on my birth plan that my parents were only to attend if DH wasn't there - which he was) so I had a hard time concentrating to push with everyone watching my bottom. Not even sure how I did it to this day.

If she is that much into your new pregnancy, maybe don't tell her about anymore ultrasounds you need, and like someone else said tell them only one other person is allowed back in the room with you for this one. So sorry you're dealing with this hun... it really takes the fun out of any new pregnancies

 

[SonnyH]

Don't get me wrong, I love my mum. We have a great relationship these days. I very much want her involved in my child's life often but so long as it's on my terms as in, I or my partner decide how we feed, wean, discipline, dress her etc.! My mum is actually a health visitor, so I think her advice will be invaluable! My parents in law saw our nephew pretty much every single day during my sis in laws mat leave. It worked for her I guess but it wouldn't be for me. I want time to develop myself as a mum on my own, go to groups and make mum friends etc. and just spend time as a new family of 3.

I think the date night thing sounds like a great idea! Time for yourself and gives your mum time with your daughter! I used to go to my Grannies for the day every other Sunday as a kid. And then I used to see my Grandparents on the other side at least once a week while my parents went out for dinner! I always loved those days

 

[Pulirula]

Thanks for al the great advice!! I think it's going to get to the point where we end up hurting her feeling because she doesn't take the subtle hints. My hubs used to be a massive drunk that didn't care at all about my pregnancy with out daughter. Since then he has sobered up and become amazing ( DO NoT tell him thaT! Lol) he grabs my belly and says baby! And helps when when I'm not feeling well. I'm excited that he wants to be a part of this one and I have our daughter too! It's a family experience. I'm just going to explain this all to my mom. Hopefully she understands and knows that she is still my number one babysitter and she can always see the kids at least once a week.