Is it an excuse?

[vmcsherry]

Hello Ladies,

So here it goes!

Im 28 and my DH is 27 and we married in August this year and we have been together for nearly 6 years. Before the wedding we decided we were going to start to try in November. Well it was more like I suggested and he agreed! Unfortunately I was made redundant 3 days after returning to work after the honeymoon . . . I KNOW!!!

My DH now thinks that since Im not working at the moment that we shouldnt even try. As much as I try to explain to him that it could take over a year to conceive he still isnt buying it. He says that he doesnt make enough to support a wife and a baby. I say he does! He makes £1500 a month, we dont have car payments as we own our vehicle outright, we dont have mortgage or pay rent as our lovely 3 bedroom house was given to us by his father as a wedding gift. His personal bills total about £300 a month and mine total about £350. His father pays for heating oil to be topped up every 3 months so we dont have that expense either. We dont have the big bills that most couples have to contend with. On top of everything i found out recently that £200 is deposited every month into his bank account from his fathers! (his family is loaded)

I have always talked about the baby thing, he has never initiated a conversation about having a baby. He acts like it makes him uncomfortable. Even after he proposed, talking about the wedding made him uncomfortable and we couldnt have a proper conversation about it without giggling like 15 year olds. We got the wedding planned none the less and had a perfect day. He actually says now that he loves being married!

Is he using the whole "I cant afford a baby" as an excuse to delay everything because he thinks he isnt ready? As most of his income is disposable I think he isnt ready to give it all up to start a family.

Can someone please give me thier opinion on what they think is going on? Am I crazy for thinking that we could get away with only one of us working?

 

[Webbykinskt]

It does sound like you wouldn't struggle at all, but like you say it could be a cover for not being ready. Not really much advice to give but good luck x

 

[vmcsherry]

Thats sorta what Im afraid of. He really shouldnt have said "OK" to November if he didnt mean it. Im gunna continue to look for work but Im not going to give up convincing him that we could do this.

 

[bornthiswayxo]

Sounds like things could be okay... he shouldn't really of agreed if he didn't mean it. :/ He could be using it as an explanation as to why he doesnt want to because he doesn't feel ready. Whatever happens good luck x

 

[Beccaboop]

Maybe he's just scared! My husband won't talk about it either we agreed on starting to TTC in feb (well like you I suggested and he said ok) but if I talk about babies or TTC he tells me to 'stop going on about it' and says 'we'll talk about it at the time' but I think he's getting scared cos it's getting close we decided about 9 months ago and now it's less than 3 months to go!! He never wanted to talk about the wedding either and just said 'whatever you want that's fine' (really annoying!!)

So if you get a new job will agree to TTC then??

I think men get scared when they are happy (you said he loves being married) that things will change for the worse and they will be unhappy!

 

[EmilyCJ]

you are very lucky to not have the big outgoings a lot of couples have to contend with, but maybe he wants to be able to provide for you all on his own without his family? i'd bite their hands off lol but some men are a bit funny being all macho about things like that! maybe he agreed to november when it seemed ages away and suddenly its here and he's freaking! think its usual. we've only got a few weeks left til we start ttc and although we're both rediculously excited he is a bit scared too about all the usual things, being able to provide (he can), being a good father (he will) and about how hard it will be raising a family (it will). i'd have a chat with him and see where his heads at. good luck hope you get what you want

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks guys!

I think the problem is as well is that most men dont think very far into the future, unless it is something that is specifically for them. I think about the future all the time, like how things are going to be 5 or 10 years down the line and what I have to do to get there.

Im doing my best to find another job, I have a 2nd interview for a temp job on Thursday so fingers crossed all goes well. Unfortunately there are only temp jobs out there at the moment and i think you can only get maternity pay with a permanent role. Hopefully I get this job and we can talk about it again.

We've always been a very happy couple, we've had maybe 2 proper arguments since we've been together. He's my best friend and I think babies are the only thing he cant openly talk about.

 

[nickibrum]

Sounds to me like as the date comes closer he is getting cold feet as such. When you agreed on it it probably seemed so far away.

As you dont have the normal outgoings you probably could afford a LO, but i do agree that it would less than ideal without your job too as childcare is so expensive.

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks Emily

He probably thought "Yeah sure November! i've got loads of time to avoid this!" ha ha!

He knows how much I was to start a family with him and how badly i want to create something that is ours.

My best friend recently had a baby and i got to nurse him like an hour the other day and it was just the best feeling ever. To think that i could have that same feeling with something that my husband and i have created is just magical. A baby really is a blessing

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks nickibrum!

I wouldnt put my child into a creche until they were a few years older and at that point hopefully the economy will pick up and I will have found a good permanent job.

 

[QTPie]

Men often aren't ready.... I was (very happily) married for 12 years before DS was born! Having a family just isn't a priority for many men (although many are very very happy once their partner is pregnant and the baby is born!).

We very happily have one, but still an effort to convince DH to TTC no 2. Think that he us resigned to it now

What were the plans for after your baby was born? Were you planning to return to work after your maternity leave or be a SAHM for a few years? If the latter, not a huge difference TTC now.... Even those who intend to return to work often change their minds and become SAHMs (even women who are partners in a business and bring hone in excess of £50k - that's what happened to a friend of mine...).

Took me 12 months to conceive DS. How about a compromise? Try to get a new job now and TTC in the new year (Jan onwards) and go with the flow? That is what I would do.

 

[I Love Lucy]

It sounds like financially you would be fine. But I think it's an excuse for not being ready, I think you just need to talk to him more about it. Perhaps you could look at those baby calculators online and try to get an idea of just how much a child would cost. I think that could help him see whether or not he is financially able to care for a baby.

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks!

QTPie, how would you start the conversations with your DH? I've used all my tricks already to lead him into the "baby" chat! Your comment made me feel a that there is hope! I would plan to go back to work but i wouldnt be against being a SAHM, i wouldnt want to miss a thing. He is brilliant with his niece and nephews, and I know he will a great dad. He's very patient and kind and very loving I could totally see him nursing a baby and loving it. But you are right, most men dont even think about starting a family, its us women that have our biological clocks clanging in our ears! ha ha! There will have to be some sort of compromise because i need to know whats going on, i feel like my life is completely out of my control at the moment.

I Love Lucy, I never even knew there were those baby calculators! I'll have to look at that this evening. He might change his mind once he sees he could do it . . . or it could go the other direction

 

[engingtty]

i think you can only get maternity pay with a permanent role. Hopefully I get this job and we can talk about it again

 

[Pearls18]

i think you can only get maternity pay with a permanent role. Hopefully I get this job and we can talk about it again

Not in the UK. I was in a fixed term contract but because I was in work for one week before I fell pregnant that basically entitled me to SMP despite finishing my contract when I was 32 weeks pregnant, so theoretically I was still 'employed' until April 2011 when I should have left July 2010. Women who are in employment or have been (I'm not too sure on the rules) but aren't entitled to SMP can get maternity allowance for 9 months which is £120-something a week.

 

[vmcsherry]

i think you can only get maternity pay with a permanent role. Hopefully I get this job and we can talk about it again

Not in the UK. I was in a fixed term contract but because I was in work for one week before I fell pregnant that basically entitled me to SMP despite finishing my contract when I was 32 weeks pregnant, so theoretically I was still 'employed' until April 2011 when I should have left July 2010. Women who are in employment or have been (I'm not too sure on the rules) but aren't entitled to SMP can get maternity allowance for 9 months which is £120-something a week.

When you say fixed term, is that a permanent or temporary contract? also when you mean have been would that apply to me who has worked full time for the past 6 years but have been made redundant?

Ive worked in permanent employment until recently so I dont have an idea of what my benefits are or even if i have any.

Had a bit of a break through with my DH last night! I expressed my concerns about not being able to find a full time permanent job as there only really is temporary work out there, i might be able to find a permanent job to get the proper maternity benefit even by next year. You have to be in a permanent job 1 to 2 years before you can get maternity pay. I told him last night that i would continue to try and find permanent work but i will temp until then and we will save as much money as we can.

I have a 2nd interview for a temporary ongoing job so fingers crossed i get it!

We decided that we will TTC in January, I will work at whatever I can find and we will put money away. When we actually have the baby I will take 4-6 months off with the baby then find work again. Im so happy we came to a resolution!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!

 

[Pearls18]

i think you can only get maternity pay with a permanent role. Hopefully I get this job and we can talk about it again

Not in the UK. I was in a fixed term contract but because I was in work for one week before I fell pregnant that basically entitled me to SMP despite finishing my contract when I was 32 weeks pregnant, so theoretically I was still 'employed' until April 2011 when I should have left July 2010. Women who are in employment or have been (I'm not too sure on the rules) but aren't entitled to SMP can get maternity allowance for 9 months which is £120-something a week.

When you say fixed term, is that a permanent or temporary contract? also when you mean have been would that apply to me who has worked full time for the past 6 years but have been made redundant?

Ive worked in permanent employment until recently so I dont have an idea of what my benefits are or even if i have any.

Had a bit of a break through with my DH last night! I expressed my concerns about not being able to find a full time permanent job as there only really is temporary work out there, i might be able to find a permanent job to get the proper maternity benefit even by next year. You have to be in a permanent job 1 to 2 years before you can get maternity pay. I told him last night that i would continue to try and find permanent work but i will temp until then and we will save as much money as we can.

I have a 2nd interview for a temporary ongoing job so fingers crossed i get it!

We decided that we will TTC in January, I will work at whatever I can find and we will put money away. When we actually have the baby I will take 4-6 months off with the baby then find work again. Im so happy we came to a resolution!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!

Mine was a fixed term temporary contract for 12 months, it was a one off graduate traineeship so had to last 12 months and couldn't be extended (although I could ahve left earlier if my due date was earlier obviously)

Aww exciting these are the links to SMP and MA advice:

https://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyT...ort/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_10018741

https://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyT...ort/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_10018869

I'm not too sure about MA but with SMP, if you fall pregnant technically the week after you start or later, and are still working with them when you are in your 26th week of pregnancy you will get SMP even if your contract runs out soon after. If you don't qualifiy for this I think that is when MA comes into play. SMP is 6 weeks of your pay at 90%, then 30 something weeks of MA. I was in a 12 month contract, started August, fell pregnant Dec, finished contract July and got SMP after that. Was a huuuge help and a big surprise! I then managed to get a new job when LO was 8 months, only 4 weeks after finishing SMP so it was like I was never unemployed!!

 

[vmcsherry]

Thanks for all the info MarineWAG

I went for the interview today and I got a call from the recruiter saying that they got a call from the people i interviewed with and its looking good, she asked if I got the job offer would i take it! I said "Ugh . . . YEAH!" So fingers crossed, im supposed to get a call tomorrow to let me know for definate. I didnt know but its a 12 month contract that might go permanent! Its only £16,000/year, but its better than nothin.

I live in Northern Ireland, do you know if that website includes Northern Ireland? Even if it didnt id say it would be relatively the same.

 

[Pearls18]

Thanks for all the info MarineWAG

I went for the interview today and I got a call from the recruiter saying that they got a call from the people i interviewed with and its looking good, she asked if I got the job offer would i take it! I said "Ugh . . . YEAH!" So fingers crossed, im supposed to get a call tomorrow to let me know for definate. I didnt know but its a 12 month contract that might go permanent! Its only £16,000/year, but its better than nothin.

I live in Northern Ireland, do you know if that website includes Northern Ireland? Even if it didnt id say it would be relatively the same.

Eeek congrats!!! I'm not sure but I would imagine it would be the same tbh x