is it fair? :\ re: children to dif dads/step children

[MummyMummy]

i know alot of you have step children/children to diff dads so thought i'd ask this question here as not quite sure what board to postit on.

i posted the other day in preg forum about trying to get the balance right between new baby and 3year old and was reassured that things would find their own way and work themselves out. i told mr.man what the girlies had said and then we spoke about this problem...

as you all know 3year old isn't mr.mans - though he does all the daddy things. 3year old sees his dad once a week (tue), then week after twice (tue and sat) (not our doing, he knows he can see son whenever for however long. he just chooses not to) well whenever he takes him out he only ever takes him walking around our local town or to the ball pool play area and sometimes the cinema. never for a trip out of town/to aqauarium/zoo etc etc (although time and time again we have offered to drive them both to the above type places and pick them up if transport is aproblem etc.)

atm as i have spd/pgp we don't go out anywhere, but when baby is born that will all change so we will be able to go out to more places. places including park/feeding ducks/zoo/aqaurium/safari parks/trips out etc etc. family things like that.

is it bad that we would take new baby to the above fun places while all 3year old gets with his daddy is a walk around? weekends arethe only time mr.man has off. should we only take new baby out everyother week so that both babys are out? should we not take new babyto them kinds ofplaces at weekends at all so both babys don't do anything? (if it's not at weekends means mr.man wont be with us) i feel bad cause when 3year was lil me and ex often took him to see the fishys and animals at zoos etc etc. no point in talking to ex about the 'problem' as he's bloodystupid. it takes him all his time (andme phoning/texting/shouting/calling at his work to gethim to make an effort and actually acknowledge that the baby is missing him... although that acknowledgement lasts all of 3minutes) i don't want to stop 3year old spending that time with his daddy, it'simportant he does and knows his bio daddy etc etc and def not my place to stop them getting to know eachother/bonding so me saying to his dad 'we want *name* this week you can't have him' isn't an option.

any advice?

of course older 3year old gets more he's going to notice. me and mr.man have both said we wouldn't lie about where we have been etc etc.

xXx

 

[Elli21]

Why dont you just take them both out when your going out? But if your ex only has your son every third saturday, why not take them, that weekend on the sunday??
I dont see the problem really? Sorry if i have missed the point.

 

[Waiting4Bump]

Yeah, I thought the same. If your 3 year old is only at his dad's every other Saturday, then you have the Sunday every week, and the Saturday every other week, to do something as a family! xx

 

[MummyMummy]

Why dont you just take them both out when your going out? But if your ex only has your son every third saturday, why not take them, that weekend on the sunday??
I dont see the problem really? Sorry if i have missed the point.

every other week he sees his daddy on a sat.

sundays are when we often (when i'm not in agony with spd/pgp anyway!) see my grandparents,we go out for sunday lunch with them as a family. only time during the week we see them both - rest of time it's just grandad picking/dropping off 3year old on flying visits or us doing same at their house.

xXx

 

[MummyMummy]

i mentioned everyother week in post about taking new baby out, but would that be really bad and isolate 3year old if he thinks new baby going to see the things he loves? rest of time just keep new baby in?

so worried that one of the babys will feel left out :\

xXx

 

[Waiting4Bump]

If you take them both out though, when they are both at home with you and OH, then neither of them will feel left out! xx

 

[MummyMummy]

If you take them both out though, when they are both at home with you and OH, then neither of them will feel left out! xx

would the weeks when he isn't with us for the day, would that not cause problems for him? as i don't plan on staying in all day like i do now, really appreciate the fact that moving was pain free before this preg and i'm really missing fresh air that's what really worrys me that he will feel left out if we did something together, like he wasn't appart of family. i don't know anybody who haskids to other dads who see the child to ask how they got on with getting both babies to feel the same don't want him thinkinghe isn't loved by us :\ and at same time don't want new baby to grow up thinking that whenever 3year old goes out with his daddy he gets treats etc etc. talk about driving myself crazy.


his life has changed so much he's had his daddy disappear from his life, moved out of his home, basically moved back to live at his grandparents ause of my spd/pgp pain,he's just started school nd in around 2months he'll have anew brother/sister so many changes. god do i feel guilty :\

xXx

 

[Waiting4Bump]

I can't say that I really know what you are going through, but I don't think your 3 year old will be missing out/feeling left out! Make sure that when he is at home with you he is included in everything (which I'm sure you would make sure of anyway!), and then when he is at his Dad's, he will be having fun anyway won't he, regardless of whether he is staying in town or not!

xx

 

[MummyMummy]

I can't say that I really know what you are going through, but I don't think your 3 year old will be missing out/feeling left out! Make sure that when he is at home with you he is included in everything (which I'm sure you would make sure of anyway!), and then when he is at his Dad's, he will be having fun anyway won't he, regardless of whether he is staying in town or not!

xx

thankyou! we always include him with new baby show him scan pics etc and let him pick out things like new babys dummys etc and most of the time he seems happy then sometimes he'll come out with 'i don't want our new baby mummy' :\

kids eh? pffft!

thankyou again for your reassurance!
xXx

 

[Waiting4Bump]

Hun, every child will come out with things like that. My cousin was 3, almost 4 when his little brother was born. He used to say things like "When he is born, we can send him back can't we?" and "I don't want a baby brother and I won't share my toys with him!"

Well, they are 3 and almost 7 now, and they are really close, so I wouldn't worry about that. You are including your son in the pregnancy, and letting him choose things for the new baby. There is nothing more you can do, and by just making sure that he knows nothing will change between you, and that you will love him just as much when the new baby comes, everything will be absolutely fine hun xxxx

 

[MummyMummy]

Hun, every child will come out with things like that. My cousin was 3, almost 4 when his little brother was born. He used to say things like "When he is born, we can send him back can't we?" and "I don't want a baby brother and I won't share my toys with him!"

Well, they are 3 and almost 7 now, and they are really close, so I wouldn't worry about that. You are including your son in the pregnancy, and letting him choose things for the new baby. There is nothing more you can do, and by just making sure that he knows nothing will change between you, and that you will love him just as much when the new baby comes, everything will be absolutely fine hun xxxx

gosh! my 3year old says things like that like not wanting to share his toys or his things from when he was a baby! i thought it was just him who said that! so glad to know it's not just his thoughts, but his age group thoughts. most of the time he is excited but not if baby turns out to be a boy because he 'only wants a girl' lol

feel so much better after hearing that! thankyou!!

xXx

 

[anna'ellisia]

hi, im now 22 so old enought o see that my parents did what they did for a reason -

lests start from beginning -

im the oldest of 7 kiddies @ 22 then there a 19yr old, twins @ 16, 13yr old, 8yr old and an 18mnth old - they all share the same dad...i dont! i used to see my father until i was 8yrs old then i never saw him agen...diff story! but i do remember they used to take the 19yr old and the twins out when i was with my father but they used to treat me to something little from where they went eg if u go to beach they woudl bring me rock or shells or sumin to make me feel included sn though of!!!!

and TRUST me my father was useless and did nto wrk ro drive so he never used to take me anywhere not even the park...it was his parents house and garden where i used to play on my own while he watched tv or went tot he pub...... u cant not go places when ur free to do so just because the lil 3yr old dont go to interesting places with his dad but make him understand that he/she is thought of and included u can vary it go one olace with u and baby and then go another place with them both nxt weekend! because my parents (my step dad is my dad to me) alternated where they went and included me in everything i never felt left out and always looked forward to coming home from my fatehrs as i knew id hear about any adventure they had with a promise they will take me soon - they always did take me another time so i loved it!

try not to worry as you cannot avoid doing things just becasue the lil 1 aint there u cannot put ur life on hold when you only have a little time to spend with OH!
hope this helps?!
x

 

[MummyMummy]

hi, im now 22 so old enought o see that my parents did what they did for a reason -

lests start from beginning -

im the oldest of 7 kiddies @ 22 then there a 19yr old, twins @ 16, 13yr old, 8yr old and an 18mnth old - they all share the same dad...i dont! i used to see my father until i was 8yrs old then i never saw him agen...diff story! but i do remember they used to take the 19yr old and the twins out when i was with my father but they used to treat me to something little from where they went eg if u go to beach they woudl bring me rock or shells or sumin to make me feel included sn though of!!!!

and TRUST me my father was useless and did nto wrk ro drive so he never used to take me anywhere not even the park...it was his parents house and garden where i used to play on my own while he watched tv or went tot he pub...... u cant not go places when ur free to do so just because the lil 3yr old dont go to interesting places with his dad but make him understand that he/she is thought of and included u can vary it go one olace with u and baby and then go another place with them both nxt weekend! because my parents (my step dad is my dad to me) alternated where they went and included me in everything i never felt left out and always looked forward to coming home from my fatehrs as i knew id hear about any adventure they had with a promise they will take me soon - they always did take me another time so i loved it!

try not to worry as you cannot avoid doing things just becasue the lil 1 aint there u cannot put ur life on hold when you only have a little time to spend with OH!
hope this helps?!
x

thankyou for sharing! that made things alot clearer, me and mr.man always do that if we go out without baby even now we always come back with something for him,even if it's just a kids magazine, so hopfully that wont change. it was good to hear the child (as you were then) side.

gosh your mum was a busy lady! my mum has 7 kids too... i have 3brothers and 3 sisters. the house is aaaalways hectic!! my 3year old is used to quiet so if we ever go down my mums he's so unsure of what to do at first because all the kids are so wild and loud haha

xXx