Is marriage that important?

[Jenren]

Only me again -

Just need to get something off my chest :-

Is marriage that important ?

My fiance isnt that bothered about getting married, we've been together 10 years next week and engaged for 5 even though he's never actually asked me to marry him (just sort of decided to get engaged at 23)

Weve talked about it so much, I do want to get married. I want to be a complete family with all of us having the same name.

Have any of you been in the same situation.
I know i should be really happy that we are going to ttc in July (if he doesnt change his mind again), but this is just nagging at me.

I feel a little rejected by him, I love him so much. He's left me once since we have been together and im just worried that the reason he doesnt want to marry me is that he truely isnt in love with me. Do you know what i mean or am i just been really silly.

Were both 28.

Jen xx

 

[Amygdala]

Hi Jen

Sounds like it's clearly that important to you? You sound a bit like you think that him not wanting to marry you means he's not really comitted to you. I don't know if that's true or not but I could understand you feeling that way. Does he give you reasons why he doesn't want to get married? Have you ever actually brought it up? Is it really the marriage he doesn't want or has he just not thought about it or doesn't want the big party, all the organisation and expense? I don't see why you would need to be married if it's not important to you but I also think, if it is important to you then by all means tell him that!
For me it was really important that we're married before TTC because
- I wanted us to be seen as one family, with one name
- I wanted my other half to be my next of kin legally speaking (in case of something happening to either of us for example but also for practical reasons like either of us making financial decisions etc)
- I wanted to express my comittment to him

If you have similiar reasons, have you told him about them? Does he have reasons not to get married? I don't think you're silly at all. I think the Proclaimers put it very beautifully when they said "It's just a piece of paper but it says I love you".

If it's important to you, talk to him!

 

[tasha41]

I know how you feel in a way, lol. I have a baby with OH but we're not engaged. I'm only (going on) 20 this fall, and he's going to be 21 in July.. but still. I feel like we should be engaged, and because we're not I start worrying he doesn't ever want to be..

 

[lozzy21]

Marriage is important to me and OH but were in no rush to do it, allthough i would like to be engaged.

 

[Jenren]

I feel the act same, i want us to be a complete family with all the same name.
I want to be his wife not just his girlfriend with a pretty diamond ring on my finger.

Ive talked to him so much about getting married and what it means to me.
The whole thing terrifies him, Ive said we can make it as big or small as he wants im not particulary bothered about a wedding i just want to be married to him.

He just doesnt know. He cant give me reasons just that hes not bothered.

 

[Sparky0207]

Hiya hun

Marriage isnt that important to me but I can understand the same name family thing.

Personally I would like to save up and have the wedding of my dreams so kids will definitely come first because otherwise id be waiting ages for them!

Im sure he does want to be with you though or you wouldnt be talking about starting a family! xxx

 

[sunnybabe]

I think that the importance of marriage depends on the people involved. My cousin and her long term partner have no desire to get married and both are perfectly happy with that decision and so marriage is not important to them.

For me personally I wanted to be married and would have been devastated if OH hadnt wanted to. I can't say why I felt it was so important but it was just a strong feeling I had. I have to say I totally love being married and am so glad that we are (me and OH were together since we were 15 and it took until I was 26 before we even got engaged).

Another cousin of mine would love to be married but her other half claims 'it is just a bit of paper' and refuses. Personally I think if it isnt that much of a deal to him he ought to get married as it obviously is important to my cousin... although by refusing im guessing it really does mean more to him that 'just a bit of paper'.

I think you will have to just sit down OH and tell him how you feel... or simply get started planning and tell him that as your engaged you felt it was time to get things sorted... afteralll an engagement is a promise of marriage.

Good luck xx

 

[Amygdala]

He cant give me reasons just that hes not bothered.

Have you asked him
a.) why he got engaged to you if he doesn't intend to marry you and
b.) why he doesn't "just do it" if he's not bothered.

I can understand it makes you insecure. I don't think I would want to start a family with a man who refuses to commit to me after I said that it was important to me (if both partners don't care it's different I think). Does he understand how much it upsets you?

 

[Jenren]

Ive said to him well if your not bothered why cant we just get married then.
Hes completly terrified of commitment, and growing old and responsibilty.

I think the reason we got engaged was i lost a baby at 9 weeks (5 years ago he didnt want the baby and made that very clear) and i sometimes feel we got engaged because he felt so guilty for what he put me through and the miscarrage.

Take marriage etc out of our relationship and we are perfect, get on so well and make a fab team.

Just after 10 year we dont really have any commitment together.
Feeling a little down about it all.

 

[bunnyg82]

oh hun

Marriage is important to me, but then I am married and have been for 7.5 years so I guess it would be strange for me to say it wasn't. It was something that we wanted to do very early on (got engaged after a month or so) and it just felt like the right thing.

On the other hand, my older sister has been with her partner for... well must be 20 years or so I would guess, they have 2 children and they've never thought about marriage - it works fine for them.

It's an individual choice really and there is no right answer. The concerning thing for me I guess is that you seem to have so much doubt and perhaps you need to try and sort that out before trying for a baby. If he is scared of commitment, then why is he agreeing to have a baby? Surely a baby is the biggest commitment you could have, does he realise that? xx It just seems strange that he can't commit to marriage but can to a baby? x
I hope you understand what I am trying to say sweetie xx

 

[calm]

Its certainly a personal thing. We had already lived together, but we always planned to get married. Didn't want and didn't have a big wedding, we just wanted to be married (he asked me to marry him 1 month after being together). It was also practical from the legal side at least in Spain. But it just depends what people want, if you don't feel the need then can't see the problem. I must say once we were married we felt no different, just carried on living together and life went on as usual. Just got a bit of getting used to saying husband instead of boyfriend.

 

[honeybee2]

marriage is only important if thats how you feel- end off. im engaged to my fiance and i want to marry him, simply because i just cant imagine falling out of love with him, and i want us to be a union and hopefully have a baby. speak to him hunny, communication & honesty is the key!

 

[Pyrrhic]

If its important to you, then you both need to sit down and discuss it. Fear of commitment is not an excuse IMO, as a child is much more of a commitment than marriage.

 

[calliebaby]

I know many couples that are happy in their relationship as "partners". I feel that the marriage comes from the love that you share with each other. A piece of paper should not confirm your commitment to each other. Maybe that is your OH reasoning. On the other hand, I completely understand where you are coming from. There seems to be more stability in knowing that you are an officially married couple. Best of wishes to you. I hope that you get the outcome that you want.

 

[Pinkgirl]

I agree with some of these girlies in that its what it personal to you.
My parents are traditional and guess i would of loved to have got married first, but OH wasnt fussed, and as we have bought a house we have seen the value of money. We would have to pay for our wedding which we couldnt afford for a long time.
Just keep speaking to OH
xx

 

[Hobnob]

I guess the marriage bit wasn't as important to me as the whole family having the same name really.

But that is due to stuff that happened to me when I was young.

 

[Purpular]

Marriage is important to me and my OH also says it not and will never be an option. I totally agree with the people that say if they don't want to marry because they can't be bothered/don't see the point then why not do it for the partner that wants to.

I think as a married couple you're seen differently by other people. That besides, I always think there will comes a time in one's life when you're just too old to be a 'miss'. I always tick 'Ms' on forms now!

 

[morri]

Marriage is rather unimportant to me, If done I also wouldn't like a big party, because? Well I just don't like big parties xD. If we marry I 'd like a sort of nearly secret one , but I think that would betray the family a bit so I dunno.

 

[Amygdala]

If he is scared of commitment, then why is he agreeing to have a baby? Surely a baby is the biggest commitment you could have, does he realise that? xx It just seems strange that he can't commit to marriage but can to a baby? x

I completely agree with that. Don't feel silly for being bothered about this, you've got every reason to want this sorted out so you know where you stand before TTC. You're thinking about having a baby with this man so it's only fair that you should know what his "motives" are in the long run for you and for your s.

 

[Foogirl]

Marriage was very important to me (and thankfully to my husband) I would never have considered having a child with him if we weren't married.

People argue that one in three marriages end in divorce and so marriage is a waste of time. That makes two in three that don't, so to me, it is a no brainer.

Many people refuse to marry, claiming it is a pointless piece of paper. Whilst they may feel that way, the facts and figures don't bear that out. Long term unwed partners living together are more likely to split up and those who don't, do tend to get married eventually. There are, of course, relationships which are the exception to the rule and which will survive. You have to ask yourself if you think yours is one of them?

I'd look at the whole picture. If he is unwilling to commit only to you by getting married when you clearly want to, and has no good reason not to, why do you think he is willing to commit to you and a baby, one of the biggest commitments a person can make?

And you do say he has changed his mind before, so what's to say he wont change his mind again - this time after the fact?

I really don't think it is whether or not he will marry you that is the issue here.

My husband and I were together 6 years before we got married, and have been married for three. Even 4 or 5 years in, I wasn't sure he was committed to me. Only once he proposed, did we talk about when to start trying. We both agreed it would be after we were married.

It sounds like you aren't secure enough in the relationship, for whatever reason. In which case, why bring a child into it?