Is one child enough?

[mitchnorm]

I know there are similar threads in here but here we go.....

I had my daughter when I was 38....fell pregnant quickly, no.complications.
Decided when she was 2 to try again....fast forward 2.5 years and I have had 5 miscarriages....on being a molar pregnancy. I am now 43 (44 in may). I have had seem tests done...know my AMH is low but others pretty normal and my rate for getting pregnant is better than IVF for my age but I am miscarrying sometimes 6-7 weeks and 2 at 9 weeka. It was all so easy first time. I am presuming my eggs are just aged

Since last loss 2 weeks ago I am questioning if I want to ttc....because
Age gap would be 5.5 years (or more)
I would be about 60 when it is 16 ish
We are getting our life back...nappies long gone, nursery fees over, school started....
We have lovely holidays and can afford everything she needs
I hate my job and would like to retrain and start my own business

How do you know if ones enough? I just want someone to make the decision for me because if I decide to.stop trying it's like admitting failure (and I hate that)

Xxx

 

[krissie328]

Oh my goodness, I was coming in here to make a similar post.

I'm still young (31 in March) but after 2 losses and years of infertility (8 years ttc ds and over 2 years for a second one). I'm just tired and unsure this is what's right for us.

Like you our lives are finally getting back to being fun and so much easier. I can only imagine it getting better. I have easy childcare if we want to do something without ds.

 

[krissie328]

Oh, and I feel the same way about stopping. I feel like I'm selfish (well it kinda is part of it) but also like a failure. So many expectations to have another by society and family.

 

[mitchnorm]

Yes!!!!! Tbh no one has really ever asked me about having a second...especially now with my daughter the age she is (big gap) and my age at 43...I think everyone presumes I am done. Hardly anyone knows about our losses and struggles. I could easily give up but I'm not a quitter....which I know is a silly way to look at it really. I'm not a failure but I cannot help.feeling beaten. After easily falling pregnant successfully with daughter why why why? And no answers. I don't want another lost baby...I. am so 50/50 it's unbelievable

 

[mitchnorm]

I am guessing being only 2 years post your first and your relatively young age....people are asking and presuming?? It's tough.....

It feels weird to say no.....I'm done. I want someone to make that decision for me

 

[krissie328]

Yes, we get asked all the time. We also live in a very LDS community where people easily have 3-5 kids by our age.

Our son was relatively easy once we figured out I wasn't ovulating. He was the result of our first round of clomid. But this time even with ovulating 9 out of 12 months last year it still hasn't happened.

I am also one not to quit so I think part of me is feeling like we need to do this. Dh did mention though he was okay stopping at one. So now I feel even more like it is my decision what to do.

 

[mitchnorm]

I sort of wish DH would say no more but he's sitting on the fence. I think he'd be fine with stopping after what he has seen me go through but won't commit whilst I am undecided

 

[JessyG]

I feel like a bit of a freud stepping into your thread as i havent suffeted infertility like you both have but i have similar feelings about whether or not one is enough. We have never really opening tried for a 2nd so i dont know how easily it would happen. I feel so happy with my life right now in terms of feeling like myself again, love doing things only for my daughter having one to one time regularly. I feel people think i am selfish and to an extent i am but it took 2.5 years for me to get a childfree day (and even that was to decorate the house!) I am enjoying our time together so much and cant imagine going back to the baby bit again. My daughter is so close to her cousins who are 9 and 6 and only live 3 mins drive away. She is incredibly sociable and seems happy and content in fact i think shed love a baby or a dog! But i am more inclined to go for the dog. Am i dreadful. I keep repeating to myself 'i need to love the life i want aswell' i am studying to be a bookkeeper and my partner is switching jobs right now so evne if we did do it it would be closer to the end of the year but everytime it comes to it i back out. I know once he or she was here id love it and my life would just be different but something is definitely holding me back.

 

[mitchnorm]

Jessy.....don't feel selfish at all...you have a lovely life and can spend quality time with your daughter and there are definately positives for getting some of your life back. I would likely feel exactly the same as you had I not lost 5 babies....I feel like I need to beat this and not fail and have another baby...but I am starting to doubt my reasons. Our daughter is 5 in March....the age gap coupled with my age should be enough to encourage me to quit surely.

I continue to sit on the fence......

 

[krissie328]

Jessy- I would agree, don't feel selfish. Those are many of the same reasons I'm struggling. I've talked with dh a lot over the last few days and thought about my own reasons.

I think we'll likely try through the end of the year and if we're not successful then plan on just ds. I feel like 3 years trying and giving it our all will be long enough.

 

[redneckhippy]

This is something I've been struggling with as well. My son is almost 2 but because I'm on medical school we couldn't realistically try for another year and a half when I graduate. My son will be 3.5 then. I'm an only child so I don't have any experience with having a sibling and my husband has two sisters but he's not especially close with them. We both are happy with our family. Our main issue is that we did Ivf and still have frozen embryos. Personally I don't want another child but I feel like maybe we should have one. I know people say you love them all the same, but I just honestly can't see how I could love another baby as much as my DS. We tried so long to have him, then I had a threatened miscarriage while I was pregnant, then we almost lost him during his delivery and he had to be resuscitated. I was just so happy to have him that it never bothered me waking up at night or changing him or anything. Plus he's the perfect baby. He started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, always happy, never cried much, great eater, etc. I feel like no other child could live up to my love for him. And also even if I would feel differently after having the baby, I don't WANT to love someone else as much as him, I want to give him everything we can and have the money for school choices and vacation.

I wish I could feel differently because everyone else seems to so easily balance having more than one child.

 

[msbene]

I'm 36 carrying my second child. My first will be 5 yrs 8 months when the baby is born. I've been very satisfied with my son which is why I never pushed having a second. But once he clocked 4, he REALLY started expressing his loneliness and desire for a sibling. I gave him some time to see if it would just pass but his desire has only grown stronger. Hence my current pregnancy.

Its a tough decision and from what I've read, it seems your current kids are maybe too young to "weigh in" on the decision? I wouldnt have gone for #2 if my son didnt want a sibling so much.

 

[mitchnorm]

Redneckhippy... could have written this!!! Our daughter is perfect and slept through from 9 weeks and overall has been a great baby.....and toddler .obviously tantrums and has her moments. I sometimes feel that I am simply yearning for the baby years with her rather than a new baby iykwim...but I can't turn back time and surely we wouldn't be that lucky again. Must be confusing with embryos there...a friend of mine has a 4 year old through IVF and made the decision to not use the other embryos 2 years ago....she said that she just knew that the whole trekking to hospital....scans...treatment etc would affect her time with her current boy. Easier to do when you don't have dependantsxxxx

Msdene.....my daughter turns 5 in March and has never expressed an interest in a sibling even though she is so lovely with other people's baby's and little ones....she's never mentioned. I tentatively brought it up in conversation with her the other day and she said no she didn't want a brother or sister as they would mess up her toys and she'd have to tidy up ha ha ha. So yes not bothered but I wonder if she would bexpect more later in life??!

 

[krissie328]

My son is 2.5 so doesn't have a concept of a sibling. He has a cousin and a friend at his sitters. And he seems like he's very content at home playing by himself or when he needs someone he gets his dad or myself.

After talking with my dh more we plan to ttc one more year. Probably through Feb 2018 before we decide to stop. I'm really on the fence so I feel like what ever happens I'm happy with that.

 

[madtowngirl]

I know I'm replying late, but thank you so much for this thread! We had two miscarriages and infertility issues before my daughter. We decided to start trying again and I got pregnant quickly - and then miscarried again. I had always pictured myself with 2 kids, but now...I'm not so sure. I wanted to be done having kids by age 35 (which will be later this year), too. DH is on the fence. I mean, I'm okay with waiting until I'm a little older for #2, but it's not what I pictured. We know for sure we don't want to try "naturally" anymore....if we decide to do it, it will be through the fertility clinic.

I just don't know if I have it in me to keep trying. And DD seems very content to play by herself and with her playmates now. I just don't know.

 

[mitchnorm]

Madtowngirl....so sorry for your losses x x x

5 miscarriages here...after a short ttc and successful pregnancy with daughter at 38. Now 3 years on from starting to ttc number 2 and approaching 44 I have serious decisions to make. However since I first posted this thread...Myself and hubby have decided to stop trying. I have to say 'stop trying' instead of giving up....it feels like I am...initially I thought those 5 babies were in vain if I didn't go on to have my rainbow baby but I know that's silly of me. I am coming to terms with it....I can invest more time in my daughter....nice holidays.....and maybe a career change to something more fulfilling.

I am getting there. It's a tough decision but only one you can make xxxxx thinking of you

 

[krissie328]

How is everyone doing? DH and I have talked and talked and I think we are both really content with one. We are talking either me getting an IUD or him get a vasectomy in the fall. We likely won't prevent, but tbh I doubt it will happen. I think we make good parents to one and I don't feel like I can say the same if we had two.

It is such a hard decision. I don't feel like there is a right or wrong answer which makes it all the more difficult.

 

[madtowngirl]

Hi krissie! We're okay, but we haven't made any progress on deciding whether we're done or not. I spent some time with two 6 month olds this week, and I can honestly say I didn't have those intense "I need a baby" feelings afterward. Maybe that means I'm done? I'm not sure.

I'm actually undergoing therapy because I feel like I'm just drowning in my own thoughts, so I hope it will help me figure out how to make a decision.

 

[krissie328]

I did therapy from November-Jan and it really helped me process having a second baby or not. While I'm not completely sure, I know either way will be okay.

 

[mitchnorm]

Hi....I think if you 'happy' with the idea of going with the flow and not trying but not preventing and see what happens than that's great. For me it just wouldn't work as I know my cycle inside out ....ovulation pains yesterday made me think about ttc but no we have decided. I can't face another mc I've decided so there is always the risk of getting pregnant and losing again. I am 44 in May and with daughter turning 5 next month the age gap is just not right for us......we are so lucky with one so we are sticking. I would have liked proper closure and considering sterilisation or vasectomy to get that....a bit drastic I know but it especially the decision out of my hands. Extreme maybe.

It's a very personal decision. My friend has a nearly 3 year old by ivf and is just about to start trying for another...has 3 frozen embryos but after that that's it for them....I'm very jealous in the sense that that is true closure.