Is this just a phase

[laura109]

Hi everybody. I post alot on here for advice. Being a mum has made me anxious. I love being a mum and mostly we do fine. But i have got myself in a rut and cant work out how to get out of it.

Firstly i will i do not have anyone to help or babysit occasionally. So i cant ask for abit of help for a couple of days.

I have a beauitful 4 year old girl but she is becoming a handful. Although i feel mixed feelings about her going to school soon i think deep down she is ready. Since her brother has been walking etc she appears to be trying to get my attention in negative ways. Little wee accidents have started happening after 15 months of being out of nappies in the day. She is constantly saying she is hungry. Also she is making so much mess still. I have thinned out her toys and put stuff away. She has a toybox and an artbox in the conservatory and yet she still can wreck every room. She climbs over stairgates, she gets carrier bags and fills them up with clothes, toys, fruit, her brothers stuff. She likes playing with water and stuff and she will sneak a tissue in her drink and mix up a mess. She gets all my bowls etc out thw cupboards and puts them out then walks away. She will lay blankets down to have a picnic then walks away.

I do my best to watch her but I cant keep up with the housework throughout the day as im picking up and tidying the stuff she has mixed up. She refuses to pick anything up. She does 6 hours a week at pre school. She did do 15 but was sick for a year and it put her baby brother in hospital in the end as he was also so run down. I had no choice but to break the cycle. It was ruining our lives as a family as we could never go out or make plans. I can see that more nursery would keep her busy but we tried that and she was never there due to illness.

Anyway i feel 100% overwhelmed with life right now. Im emotionally exhausted. I feel like a failure who cant find the balance. I have so many little jobs to do at home.... we need to get a skip as my daughter wee'd on our mattress and it was time for a new one. We have a buggy, a xmas tree, a matress and allsorts outside waiting to be disposed off.

My garden needs a grass cut, weeding, etc etc.

Our windows could do with a window cleaner

All our woodwork could do with a wipe down

I have 3 bags of extra rubbish next to the bin as i had a clear out and my bins full.

I feel like my carpets need a clean and my sofa.

I can never find the bottom of the washing basket.

My daughter will continue to wreck every room in the house as i attempt to catch up.

Everyday i hoover my living room and kitchen, wash up,put the washer on,

Weekly i do my bathroom and beds and wash the kitchen floor.

By the time the kids are in bed theres no evening left. The one year old wont settle until 9pm. I have tried earlier bedtimes but hes not ready to drop the midafternoon nap. I know this will improve soon. Me and my partner feel defeated. He works 60 hour weeks. Im a full time stay at home mum. Neither of us feel theres any balance at the moment. He gets home at 7.30pm. So we never eat as a family. I also have no support after tea to get the kids sorted. The 4 year old cries if i dont let her have a bath with her brother. Then she gets bossy over toys and makes him cry. I cant take the 4 year old to bed until my partner is finally home. So he walks in and i go upstairs for up to 45 minutes.

We are on holiday at the moment. Im reflecting on everything while we are here.we do this holiday every year. This year its so much harder. They are taking it in turns to kick off. Its not easy having a 1 year old and 4 year old by the coast. I feel upset that this holiday does not feel like bliss. To add to it all my parents put my bin out for me and moaned about it being full and extra binbags being out. My mum told me they always kept on top of everything. My partner is now annoyed at them and said they had different circumstances...my dads abuilder and garderner. They had a bin system i the 90s where you threw out as many bags as you liked. They never offer to help us catch up though.

I just want to add we are not scruffy. Weve had new sofas, carpets, beds, furniture,bathroom in the last 5 years.we are getting a new kitchen this year too.

We get out for lots of walks etc too. I try keep us busy.

Just want some reassurance that its normal to be so overwhelmed and its a hard age??? X

 

[Rags]

Hi Laura, I hope taking the time to write this all down has managed to give you a bit of a release. After reading everything you've said I have to say that the bit that stuck out for me was one of your last comments '...I try to keep us busy'. with two young children the last thing you need to do is try to keep busy (as you well know). I would say that in my house the washing regularly piles up, the carpets are often un-vacuumed for a few days, the windows desperately need washed, I had to lift the kitchen flooring before Christmas when I had to re-wire to cooker - I've still not replaced it - it seems easier at the moment to remove the splinters I get! and I'm sick to death cleaning up in the kitchen - and I don't have a 1 and a 4 year old! (Oh, and my back garden has had the grass cut because that's the one I see most, I'm just not looking out the front until I know I have time to sort it!!!)

Your daughter is being a typical 4 year old with a younger sibling, she's realising she's older and more able and that you've not got as much time to spend 'one on one' with her and she's seeing what she can get away with. It'll all change once she starts school and she has something new that is just hers. When your son is having his nap can you and your daughter do something together - maybe 'mix up a mess' together, or pull the heads off some flowers and mush up some homemade perfume!

All I can suggest is to take things one at a time. We've had a rubbish couple of years as a family and I've had a few people ask how I've managed to cope - my answer, when you're juggling a dozen balls concentrate on catching the one that's going to hit the floor first, the rest will wait. One thing at a time and if it doesn't get done today it'll happen tomorrow (or the day after). You have a list of things you want to achieve, write it down and score out each thing when you've done it, it's really satisfying, and if you look at your list but the weather is lovely and you'd rather go for a walk or put out the paddling pool then so be it, your list will still be there tomorrow. Good luck with your holiday, I've never had a family holiday go the way I'd planned and it's always a bit stressful, funnily enough the children have never picked up on this and always have a great time. Xx

 

[noon_child]

It sounds like you have put a lot of pressure on yourself to be able to do everything and it's just not always feasible. Maybe just knowing others are in the same boat will take some of the pressure off. I really don't think there are any parents out there who get all their chores done while their kids never make a mess and spontaneously clean up after themselves, so don't beat yourself up.

That said, if your daughter was at nursery, and when she goes to school, she would be expected to help out during tidy-up time. So it's not that she can't and shouldn't be expected to help clean up, it's just that I wouldn't expect her to do it off her own initiative. Most schools/nurseries have specific "tidy up time" routinely inserted in to each day and they don't move on to the next task till it's done. Perhaps you could have something like this?

I also realised that the times my daughter made most mess were when I wasn't paying her attention (i.e. when I was TRYING to get something, anything, done round the house!) so I just had to decide what my job was. Am I here to clean the house till it's pristine or am I here to raise my child? Part of raising her is teaching her responsibility and organisation and hygiene etc. but also that life is about priorities, and perfection isn't possible and that that is OK - if dust isn't going to kill us maybe sometimes we just need to ignore it and go play outside in the sun.

P.S Your husbands hours sound awfully long, I really feel for you as it sounds like there's so little time to really be a family. There's nothing I can say to help this, but just be aware that with all the other responsibilities for the household on your shoulders, some things will just have to not get done, and I don't think anyone out there would think any worse of you for having un-wiped woodwork (I literally just did mine for the first time in 8 years).