Is this normal or am I just being stupid?

[Lottie86]

Ok I feel a bit stupid posting this as I know that most of you have had/are having a much worse time of things than I have with babies who were really really early and poorly so I hope you don't think I'm being too pathetic.


Is it normal to still be having nightmares, flashbacks and crying episodes after 14 weeks?
I am better than I was as to start with when Findlay first came home as I didn't really want much to do with him as every time I looked at him it just reminded me of what happened and I didn't bond really with him as he has been in and out of hospital since he was born. The past 3 weeks is the longest we've had him home with us since he's been born.

Tonight I was in the shower and noticed the scars on my arms from all the cannulas I had to have when I was in hospital for the 8 days before he arrived and it just brought everything back and I just slumped down in the shower and cried. It only takes the slightest thing to start me off. Even something as stupid as my period the other week brought everything back as as soon as I saw blood it just sent my mind right back there having that big bleed and getting ambulanced to hospital.

I'm also getting myself all stressed as my milk supply has started to drop so I'm worrying I will have to give up expressing soon. I had intended to FF from day 1 but with how he arrived I decided to express just whilst he was in hospital and FF once he came home but I have got it into my head that I failed at keeping him safe inside for 9 months and so I don't want to fail at this too and so I've kept going even though I'm finding it absolutely exhausting especially at the moment when I'm looking after Findlay on my own for 3 weeks as my OH is working abroad.
Whenever anyone mentions formula (the dietician offered me a tub of Neocate in case I couldn't manage to stay cows milk free for him) I take it really personally and get myself all worked up that people think my milk is no good and that I can't even do that right. The thing is I know that what I'm thinking is illogical but I still can't stop thinking it.

My OH has been v good (although he was getting v v frustrated when I was wanting to put Findlay into full time nursery the other month as I didn't want to spend time with him as I hadn't really bonded with him) but he doesn't know that I've been having nightmares etc as everyone thinks I've coped really well with everything but tbh I'm not actually coping as well as people think but I don't want to let people down by admitting it if you know what I mean so I've been trying my hardest to be super cheery all the time.

My gp and health visitor aren't exactly sympathetic (and it's a tiny rural village doctors surgery so not like I can just go and see another doctor) so I can't go and speak to them about it. Will everything just sort itself out in a few weeks and I'll be back to normal again?

Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense. This is the first time I've actually admitted to anyone (including myself) that I might possibly have a small problem with everything and so it's the first time I've tried to put some of my thoughts on the matter into words and I'm in floods of tears typing this.

 

[bumpsmum]

Im no expert but after such a truamatic time I think its important that you talk these feelings and anxieties through with someone, it is quite common for mums in your situation to develop post traumatic stress which with your nightmares and flashbacks sounds possible?

You should definately tell your OH how you REALLY feel he sounds very supportive and will be able to help you through this, in particular you should think about talking with your HV or GP whilst they may seem unapproachable they may be able to refer you to someone who has experience with your situation.

No one will think badly about how your feeling, you have been through so so much and your doing a super job with baby Findlay, im sure your family would love to help you out. I also feel the need to do it all myself and put up a front im 'wonderwoman' but every mum needs a hand now and again, I bet everyone is patiently waiting to help out.

You also have us girls on here for extra support, if you need to chat, ask questions or just to vent.

Take care of yourself x

 

[luckyno2]

Hi, sweety I dont want to read and run, I am so scared I will feel the same way when my baby is born, because I had it with my first baby, but you should get help with the LO and get someone to talk too. You are doing an amazing job I followed your story the whole way and know you are a excellent momy. Just remember it is the hormones making you feel that way it is not who you are. YOU ARE GREAT and very brave to tell us your story that is the first step ...

 

[Bec L]

Hun you might benefit from some PND counselling if you can get it? I had some recently as I was also struggling with issues around Poppy's premature birth and problems I have with leaving her. I know it's different to how you're feeling but it's amazing how good it can be to talk to someone who has NOTHING to do personally with what you have been through. If you ever want to chat you know there are lots of us on here willing to listen

 

[Lottie86]

Thanks girls, you're a fab bunch. I am seeing the health visitor tomorrow for Findlay's weekly weigh in so I will try and mention about it to her and see what she says.

 

[DonnaBallona]

I have got it into my head that I failed at keeping him safe inside for 9 months and so I don't want to fail at this too and so I've kept going even though I'm finding it absolutely exhausting

Whenever anyone mentions formula I take it really personally and get myself all worked up that people think my milk is no good and that I can't even do that right. The thing is I know that what I'm thinking is illogical but I still can't stop thinking it.

everyone thinks I've coped really well with everything but tbh I'm not actually coping as well as people think but I don't want to let people down by admitting it if you know what I mean so I've been trying my hardest to be super cheery all the time.

My gp and health visitor aren't exactly sympathetic

My heart goes out to you. . . I could have written that post 2 months ago now. The bits that I left on the post quoted are EXACTLY how I did/am feeling, even now and Brooke is 6 months old.

The Breastfeeding part, I HAD to give Brooke formula in the end. I got myself into a right tizz and ended up just breaking down in tears in the middle of a packed clinic which was mortifying-but needed as it gave me the help and encouragment I needed.

Having a premature baby is SUCH a rocky rollercoaster. Nobody understands unless they have been in that situation themelves-which is unlikely. You obviously have been through a great trauma-and the nightmares are making you feel worse about it all.

Giving formula doesnt mean you have failed bird-it means you are helping yourself and the lovely Findlay to move on.

Honestly, Im fighting back tears reading this as I know excatly how you're feeling-why me? why us? why my precious baby, and why all the problems so far? I know, I know.

If you need to chat, post away, 0r feel free to PM me-I dont mind having an ear free

Take care and hang in there-you're doing great

 

[mamalove]

I have my ''tiny twin'' who brings tears to my eyes every single day. I can't look at her without remembering what she looked like when she was born. We never had problems with them,but still..they were sooo vulnerable i spent my days in hospital just crying my eyes out whenever i looked at them.
It is hard,i feel guilty for being happy when they were born,i feel guilty for not going further in my pregnancy,i feel guilty for not being able to protect them enough ..i think i'll feel this way for the rest of my life.
x