It is ok to not be ok.

[Gypsy1106]

First off, I'm sorry for all of our losses and can only hope that we all have good things coming our way soon.
I was 7 weeks on Friday, second ever (confirmed) pregnancy, suspected others that all ended early in miscarriage including first. I was scheduled to have my first ob checkup this Thursday to make sure everything was good. But I started to spot and cramp on Friday, went in for emergency ob check and we got to see the little bean and a strong heartbeat flickering away. He gave us our first sonogram. Put on pelvic rest- our minds once again were at ease. We got lunch, we went home, I relaxed. Spotting and cramping got heavier. Spotting turned into tissue and globs and cramping turned into what I can only assume was contraction type waves of pain. What we saw just hours before gleaming with life and hope were plopping so lifelessly into the toilet and into my hands. It is now Monday- I'm still cramping and releasing what would've been my baby.
This is heart wrenching and aggravating. I'm feeling hopeless and angry at my OB and angry about so many things. I've had hormonal imbalance with lack of progesterone that I took into my own hands with Vitex. I begged my levels to be checked only to be calmed into waiting. I know this stuff happens all the time but there's always the what ifs. I'm now impatiently waiting for my hcg and progesterone tests to come back from Friday (prior to miscarriage). I'm now impatiently waiting for a checkup to make sure all life has been released from my body. I'm now impatiently waiting for this agony to stop to try again. When does it all end? When is it safe to try again? I'm now impatiently waiting for my soul to begin to process this in a healthy way. There's a reason for everything, they say, and I have the tools necessary to heal from this loss.
This was all a complete surprise and a wonderful new dream that filled our hearts and now it's literally been flushed with nothing left but a moment in time on a printed photo of a flashing heart beat trying to survive.
I never thought 7 weeks of anything could bring so much fullness, happiness, and then absolute emptiness when lost.
Good luck to all struggling with the loss of one of their dreams. Feel free to release yourself today. It is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be angry. It is ok to feel empty. I have this on repeat to myself today.

 

[Sophiejash]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is completely heart breaking. I experienced something similar last year, I was just approaching 10 weeks when I started bleeding and cramping, went for a check and saw our beautiful baby with the heart beating away so that really eased my mind. Later the same day I passed our beautiful baby.. I was crushed and cried for days on end looking at the picture we got from the scan. I know something must have been wrong but it still hurts all the same. I would love to offer you some hope though in that I just wanted to try again straight away, that was the only thing I felt would help me heal. I fell pregnant the first cycle after the miscarriage so only had one period, spent the whole pregnancy terrified the same thing would happen but 3 weeks ago I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. The pain of losing a child never goes away but it does get easier and when you do hold that rainbow baby in your arms in the future you'll know they're worth all the pain and heartbreak you're feeling now. I hope you fall pregnant again soon and wish you all the best for the future. Hugs to you X

 

[Gypsy1106]

Thank you for your support and story. It's amazing what a woman's body and soul is capable of. I'm so so happy to hear you've gone on to a successful pregnancy and it puts my mind at ease knowing there's life after this, even though I already know there is. Congratulations on your little one. Did you know right away when you were beginning an actual cycle? How long did that take after your miscarriage? Did you ovulate normally? I had only ovulated twice since taking Vitex for 6 months, the second time being the time we conceived. So ovulation has never been my bodies strong suit. Did everything come back normal for you? And how long did you bleed for with your loss?
I think the worst part is is literally about 2 hours before I was so relieved and we were crying of joy. And then bam I knew right away what was happening as it was happening when I was pushing it out and there was not a thing anyone could do to stop it.

I envy those who've not lost a baby before. The extreme fear that accompanies you after you've experienced a loss makes pregnancy so much more difficult to revel in. Everyday I remember just being afraid. Every ache and twinge and every time I wiped or even shared the news with someone, I winced at the potential outcome of losing it. Then to have it come true, ugh!
I'm trying to maintain positivity and I'm trying to be nice to myself and keep myself busy at work. This is my first day back since Friday and I regret it wholeheartedly. There should be a miscarriage grievance!

 

[peskipiksee]

I can certainly understand how you feel. I recently lost my own little bean last Monday at nearly 9 weeks. You'll find a way to grieve and the heaviness will slowly ebb away. I found that crying in the shower was great. Don't know why.

Also, if you see other women who are pregnant, you may get a feeling of "That should be me," and it will stick for a while. You'll get upset, you'll be angry, you'll wonder why other women can stay pregnant. This is all normal as I'm coming to learn.

I feel for your loss and hope the next is your rainbow baby.

 

[Jencocoa]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a difficult thing, quite painful physically and emotionally. Still going through my first one. The waiting week to week to confirm was awful and now I've known for over a week that I lost the baby yet now the heavy bleeding is starting and I really just want the physical part to be over. Big hugs and lots of prayers your way.

 

[Gypsy1106]

Big hugs your way ladies! Thank you for your support and sorry for your losses. I'm on day 6 since the beginning of this all, I felt physically more myself yesterday with no cramps and just a few stray clumps of stuff and blood. Today no cramps and just brown and light red when wiping. I'm hoping with everything this is the end I can move forward to begin again. I had appointment with OB last night and said my uterus is empty and doing what it should and end is near as long as nothing goes wrong. I'm having a terrible experience with this OB and him addressing my progesterone deficiency so I'm currently trying to make an appointment with new OB. Last night crappy OB prescribed me Prometrium but did not discuss at all how to take it; when, where, who, nothing about it. And it was after practically diagnosing myself and making him actually look at my file.

Were you given any kind of reason for your MC? I'm almost comforted to know that my pregnancy could not have lasted because of my levels, alone, and I'm hoping that I can get that addressed properly for successful future beans.
I wish that for all of us. Successful future little ones and I truly hope this process goes quickly for you. Our time will come.

 

[Gypsy1106]

I'm totally feeling the slight bitterness of pregnant moms to be and those who've not had fertility issues. But it's more my sense of emptiness I'm bitter about. And how there's possibly something that could've been done. I'm so so happy for those who've gone on to happy healthy babes, my sense of "failing" as ridiculous as that sounds is what's getting to me. But everyday gets slightly easier especially as we learn more about it all and leave the rest up to the universe. I'm going to strive to do what I can the best I can and at the end of the day, that is ALL anyone can really do. Just hope for a better outcome next time and keep that hope alive.

 

[Jencocoa]

Sorry for your loss too. And you're right, it is OK. We need to give ourselves time. Be kind to ourselves. Hugs.