Jealousy...

[FJL]

I am so sick of being jealous of women who are pregnant or have babies and/or small children.

I'm sick of ending friendships because the jealousy and sadness that comes with finding out they're pregnant hurts me too badly to carry on the relationship.

I just wish I could be happy for them, I REALLY want to be happy for them without the reminder that I am not pregnant, not even close.

I'm scared that very soon i'll end up with no friends. I'm too scared to make new friends incase they get pregnant. I think its just my way of protecting myself but in the long run i'm depriving myself of support, love and friendship.

I know its normal to feel this way but I don't know if its normal to be quite as jealous and bitter as what I am.

Whenever I find out someone I know is pregnant or has just had a baby, or even if I see a stranger who is pregnant or with a baby or small child, this is me - followed by followed by and I just cannot shake that feeling.

I know I may seem selfish to feel this way but the thing is I don't WANT to feel like this, I don't CHOOSE to feel like this, but I do and I can't help that.

Anyone else the same? How do you deal with the BFP's, bumps and babies???

 

[Sinead]

Yes, I know exactly how you feel and was having the same conversation with my sister yesterday. I miscarried in January and would have been due on 25th September, my SIL is due in 4 weeks and at the moment that is killing me. I don't know how I should be dealing with this and it feels like its something I shouldn't talk about to people IYKWIM. I am happy for them but hurting inside

 

[FJL]

God its just so hard.

I worry because I can't be happy for them, not 1 little bit. I can only be truly happy for LTTC'ers and still then there is jealousy attached.

For fertile people who fall naturally and easily, even my own sister who I am close to, I am not happy for them, not one little bit, just completely miserable. I know how terrible that sounds...

 

[Sinead]

It doesn't sound terrible - just honest. Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. To me its natural to feel jealous because someone has something you want, its human nature.

I'm sure we all go through this - some for a short period, others for ages, I know I have felt like I HATE everyone that is pregnant or has a new born. It is definitely so hard, I have been offered councelling from a friend of my MIL and am seriously thinking of taking her up on this offer. Maybe its worth you looking into that too?

 

[pixielou]

Funnily enough I was out yesterday with my friend for lunch and we were talking about this and I said that even thought this whole ttc thing is difficult I'm not too bad when it comes to my friends being pregnant. The thing is these friends of mine who are are not my closet friends so I have no idea how I might feel when they do fall pregnant! I said to my friend that maybe I'm blocking out how I really feel and that I should feel upset as that would be the normal way! Maybe It's my coping strategy and I'm not true too myself?? If that makes any sesnse!?!

 

[Wobbles]

Its extremely hard & normal to feel as you do

Wanting to be happy for someone expecting what you want is the hardest thing and near enough impossible whist deep down you want to be as you have said at the end of the day reality is you want this and until that day comes then why should you be happy for others! Yer maybe it does sound selfish to some but we all have to look out f or our own dreams x

2 things stick in my mind from my journey:

I couldn't stand seeing a stranger with a big bump & once the cashier girl at Tesco was showing the customer her scan *boy why did I pick that til* I honestly wanted to say stfu and scan the damn food will you!

A so called friend (mutters bitch) sent me a text message when I opened it it was a pregnancy stick with a BFP - what angered me was she knew I was going through a hard month.Wanted to ram that pee stick up her rear end for being such an inconsiderate cow.

Try not to push good friends away though if you are finding it difficult go to see them and tell them you need a little space from yoru friendship, why & you will be in touch. If they are your friends hun they will understand & be there for you when you need & can be comfortable with their company, bumps & babies *hugs*

 

[CurlySue]

It's hard being happy for someone, keeping up appearances when all you really want to do is go home and cry at the injustice of it all. It's hard smiling when you want to cry.

Thank God there are other women in the same boat, eh? Makes us feel so much less alone.

 

[Arcanegirl]

I had the same feelings the other day and even texted Helen cause i felt so bad.
A friend of mine from work had showed me his scan pic. Him and his partner had had a mc previusly so i was happy for them that they had got past 12 weeks fine this time but i still couldnt stop feeling jealous.

 

[JASMAK]

I no longer visit friends who have small babies, or talk about their pregnancies...and baby showers...well, I just declined a good friends. She wrote back that she "understood" when I said that I was too busy. I don't feel jealous, I just feel sad, and it brings these emotions to the surface, at some very inappropriate times.

 

[Loula]

Have to say I am pretty fine with people that I like - it's if it's unplanned, and unwanted, or someone I really didn't like anyway that I get all greeneyed and nasty with. Or seeing some scruff down the road having yet another child and living in a 2 bed flat on benefits etc etc we all know the type, who doesn't seem to do much but turf the kids out at every oppo to get them out of their hair.

I've got a couple of frie3nds online who have been trying a while too or have various probs, and they have fallen pregnant now and doing well so far apart from one who has -sadly lost her baby = and I genuinely feel happy for them.

 

[MissMonty]

Yes I know how you feel - just had a couple of friends round with their husbands and their children. 1 friend has a 1 yr old and the other a 6 month old - all they did was talk about sleeping patterns, feeding and what they had planned in the week like meeting up with the kids for cake etc - the whole time I had to try and stop myself from crying but I tried to join in (very difficult when I have no children) - it was really difficult for me today but I love my friends and don't want to lose them so I feel I have no choice but to put myself through this pain in the hope that I will also have children one day soon. I'm now on my 12th cycle and it will be month no. 12 in August - I feel really sad, I was meant to be having a bbq with DH but I've gone off my food now!

 

[Chocoholic]

Oh ladies, I'm so sorry to read all of this...

I hope we all get our s soon!

I personally don't feel or , (probably) yet. I sigh a lot and wish that I had one too but usually I just try to enjoy the little baby's presence. I have a few friends with kids, ages varying between 7mo and 15mo, and I really enjoy their company. I think it would hurt me more if I didn't have any friends with little kids. My heart aches but I still feel better with them around.

A way to join in on their conversations is to read up about this stuff. We need to know for the future anyway. So, it's a win-win situation.

 

[akcher]

It feels better to let our feelings out. My sister is currently pregnant with her 3rd child. Her 2nd child is 1 and a half. It feel like I just went to her baby shower. When my mother told me she was pregnant, I remember feeling mad. I said "another one?!? she JUST had one!" Looking back, I was filled with jealousy. It took me a couple days just to write a congrats email. I haven't mentioned to her all the tests I'm going through because I don't feel she will understand.

 

[Mendy]

And I really want to stop. I get sad and jealous when I see a pregnant woman I don't even know, and then I ask myself, what if she went through the same stuff I've went through as is just now pregnant?

I just noticed this jealousy and sadness and anger when my first IUI did not work. Now that the second one didn't work, it's been sadness, crying and jealousy times 10. I wish I could stop but I can't.

Just today, this girl I work with sent me a text message saying she got her BFP. And she said, don't tell anyone at work until I tell my boyfriend, which tells me I was one of the first people she told. We are not close friends....WTF? Why would she do that? She knows everything I'm going through. She even told me to check some website, because it helped her get pregnant. All it is is a site that helps you know when you're ovulating etc....I don't need that crap! That website will NOT increase DH's sperm count!!!!

So, of course, she ruined my day....I've been crying all afternoon, going from mad to sad, to wishing I didn't care about conceiving so it wouldn't hurt so bad.... oh....did I mention this was her 2nd month trying?!!!!

DH tried to comfort me as best he could, but every time he sees me crying I know he hurts too, even though he doesn't show it. He keeps blaming himself for all this....

It's just so hard and SOOOOO frustrating and I HATE getting so sad and upset and mad and jealous, and every other negative emotion when I see a baby or a bump or a friend announcing her BFP....

I don't know how much longer I can do this!!!!

 

[Chocoholic]

Oh Mendy...

Hang in there... I know it's hard, especially when something like this happens. But don't quit just because of the bumps on the road...

Maybe you should stop all temping and POAS for a while... Just to reduce stress. Continue to BD but without the parade...

Also, there are some herbs that help increase sperm count. Maybe your DH could try those...

 

[FJL]

^ I don't think Mendy is temping or anything, she's doing IUI.

 

[Coffee]

What a great thread, with some real honesty here. I think we all feel jealous at times, I know i certainly do! For me it depends on the situation! Sometimes i feel angered - for example when i see girls posting "BFP whoop whoop" in the TTC section and it's only their 1st or 2nd post. I know this is an open forum and it shouldn't bother me but it does! I feel like they have just registered to rub my nose in it!! Irrational? Yes!
Sometimes i feel very jealous - this is mainly when i see strangers with bumps or newborns and i just want to . Sometimes i am jealous of friends too, but i do try to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings as it isn't really fair on them - not their fault my body won't bl**dy work properly!! BUT, that's easier said than done and i think its part of the journey of TTC that you will inevitably feel jealous and hurt when friends get preggo and all i can do is hide it as best i can and smile and lie! I actually can't think of any other way of dealing with it!
Sometimes i do feel genuinely happy for people. This is definitely quite rare though and is reserved for the long term TTC-ers! Mainly people on BnB who have been trying for a while. It gives me a lot of hope and really keeps my spirits up, so i can be nothing but really happy for those people.
There's no easy answers though on this difficult journey....

 

[buffycat]

Coffee, you are so right.....it is such a difficult journey.....

i get really envious of my friends.....but then i desperately don't want to lose them too.....i have a godson....maybe that'll be closest i will ever get......

hugs to everyone though - i really hope that someone will wave a magic wand and everone here will get a bfp.......

 

[Mendy]

^ I don't think Mendy is temping or anything, she's doing IUI.

Yes, I'm doing IUI's. It's just the constant thinking about it and the 2WW and all the "symptoms" and then nothing. But we are all going through this, so we can keep each other going.

Chocoholic,
My DH is actually taking some supplements to help increase count, he only just completed one month of taking this supplement, so we will see at this upcoming IUI if it's working.

Thanks for all the good wishes ladies, and lots of luck to you all in TTC!!!

 

[Helen_26]

Personaly I get jealous and upset when I see pregnant women and I feel the same when it's my friends to. However I do feel happy for them. A friend of mine has just fallen pregnant naturally after 12 years of trying and I am so pleased for her although jealous at the same time. I guess it's completely normal to feel this way when you have longed for something for so long.