Just come back from gp, she says I am normal and to leave my fiance

[londonbird]

Err..not too sure what to think now.. hope you guys can help, I feel even more confused now

Basically we lost Coral last September, took me a long time to get over it but oh was super supportive.

Ever since I have felt better in myself or at least nearly normal I have wanted to try, I kept distracted and tried to ignore, but I am really unhappy waiting. Its like I am constantly welling up with tears, I sleep all weekend and I have stopped eating, its completly overwhelming

Anyhoo..oh has said we can have a baby, but in 6 years when I am fully qualified solicitor, done my MA, phd, can afford it, have maternity cover etc etc.

I feel like I cant wait another year let alone 6, we keep going in circles- Ie. Him.. why the heck are you upset, you can have a baby... err... that does not help me!

I was starting to think I was abnormal, been to docs, she says when you want a baby thats it, your hormones switch.. and that I should seriously think about leaving him. Well that was surprising.. err.. I guess I need to figure a way to wait without feeling so unhappy? I dont know

If any of you have any advice I would appriciate it, I asked perhaps if he could give me a date or something, but 2016 or 2018 is not appealing to me.. even a 3 year time frame, would be better

Currently not using any contraception, I am not willing to take/use anything including condoms. Doctor has suggested maybe can try diaphram, I have had depo, implanon etc..with not much use. I can take the mini pill but I am finding it so distressing I am taking maybe 5 a month.

Sorry bit of a long one..I just was a bit shocked at the gps reaction we just got engaged..am so excited to move and plan wedding..now I am even more upset

Thanks in advance guys

xx

 

[Damita]

Aw hun sorry to hear that, do you know why your OH wants to wait so long?

 

[alex_85]

I can't believe the GP said that, its completely out of line I'm not surprised you are upset.

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, and while I don't know the details of the situation, I would think it's normal to still feel upset about the loss of a child...it hasn't even been a year yet.

Does your OH know how down you are feeling about wanting to try again? It must be really hard to want to try now, and being told no, 6 years from now... thats not what any woman wants to hear!

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you. I would say don't rush into anything, with regards to what the GP told you. Maybe your OH is still hurting as well, and doesn't feel emotionally up to it again yet? Men are so good at hiding how they really feel, its impossible to know whats going on their heads Maybe have a really good heart to heart with him, and let him think about it for a while, and go from there? Hope you feel better soon hon

 

[CharmedKirsty]

I think maybe the GP was trying to say you can make up your own mind and make your own choices but you can't make somebody else's. If you want a baby that much and he won't budge then thats your anwser. But we all know things are not as simple as that.

 

[silverbell]

I think perhaps the GP means that londonbird is clearly unhappy and perhaps if she can't wait then this isn't the man for her?

londonbird, not wishing to sound harsh at all but even if you did leave your OH, who is to say that you will meet another man, fall in love and both want to have children all within 6 years?

If it helps at all I will be 30 next year and we'll be TTC in August this year. I've wanted children for many many years, but had to wait due to financial reasons. Although the wait was long and hard, I filled it with lots of hard work, lots of wonderful holidays and fantastic memories and lots of couple time and I know now that if I were to get pregnant tomorrow I would have absolutely no regrets at all. I'm entirely ready - in the career, financial, emotional and physical point of view.

As for taking 5 mini-pills a month - this is doing absolutely nothing at all for contraception and will be majorly messing your hormones up, which won't be helping with the way you're feeling. Sounds simple, but either take them regularly or don't take them at all (but make sure your OH knows which you decide to do, of course). You could be seriously damaging your hormone levels by doing this.

 

[Mindy_mini]

WHAT?!????!!! Your GP has not right to tell you to leave your partner.

BUT I do think you need to evaluate your relationship. If having a baby soon is important to you and your OH is dead against it and wants to wait another 5 or 6 years, maybe you're not as compatable as you should be.

As for the contraception thing, well you need to be careful. If you and OH cant agree on plans for a family, the last thing you want is to fall pregnant and end up on your own without support.

I think you should try talking to him again about your ideal plans and his ideal plans and see if you can find something in the middle.

Best of luck
x

 

[mrsp3]

Hi Londonbird, to be honest i can kind of understand where you're gp is coming from.. before i could reply i had a quick look over your other posts to understand your situation a bit better. I personally think your fiancé is being quite unreasonable. Firstly he is no spring chicken- at 48 can he really put off having kids for another 6 years? that will make him 54 for the first one. Obviously he doesn't feel the urgent need for kids, men don't get as broody and he's already got some kids so that takes the desperate need you have away for him. He says you're too young but thinks you're ready to commit to a marriage for the rest of your life, and be a step mother to his kids? i think he's just using that as a convenient excuse. Also being a solicitor is not a job to combine with babies. Its super stressful and long hours. The training is also really expensive so if he is concerned about finances it may be a waste of time and money to train for a job that you won't have a chance to really see out as you'll be in baby making stage. I would never split up with a partner because of what someone else tells you to do. but if you didn't have any concerns about your relationship i don't think your gp's comments would have affected you as much. I'm sure she was sympathising, same as the rest of us. Having to wait for a baby when you're going mad with broodiness is not an easy thing to do for a year, never mind 6, and after having suffered the loss of your baby in september i can only imagine that magnifies it ten fold. If you really love him and want HIS childeren and he really loves you i'm sure you'll both be able to come to a compromise. I hope it works out and we'll be here for you whatever happens.

 

[Rikki]

Who's to say in 6 years he won't change his mind again and decide he doesn't want any more children? It's a long time to wait if you want kids that badly.

I wouldn't dream of telling you to end your relationship. However, think carefully about whether he is really the guy for you. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, no matter what?

Also, there are no guarantees you will conceive in 6 years time (or any time in fact). I never thought I would have problems but have had 4 miscarriages (3 in the last year or so).

Only you can decide if you want to be with your fiance.

 

[londonbird]

Thank you guys so much

We had a nice-ish day together, hes recovering from pneumonia right now, so this isnt the time for an argument or any long conversation. Explained what the doctor said and that it had shook me up a bit

Agreed to take my pill and just keep things quiet for a bit really, I am trying to keep distracted with my work and applying for contracts etc.. its just really hard, if I keep busy its okay but the minute I stop I am in floods of tears. Have lost so much weight since loosing coral, I just cant bring myself to eat.

I know it all makes sense to wait until I can afford it, but it dosent make it any easier waiting lol

I dont know what sort of compramise to suggest

Thanks for all your kind replies guys

TTFN
R xx

 

[Mindy_mini]

You say you knwo it makes sense to wait until you can afford it. is that becaus money will be tight with a baby or you really dont have the money to have a baby now.

Im a student and we've decided that I will take a year out because the urge to have a baby became strong for both of us.

I think theres a big difference between managing financially and being able to afford a baby - can any one every afford a baby really???? We all tend to live to our means and if we want holidays or nice clothes, we comprimise - its the same with a baby.

In my opinion being unable to afford a baby is when you're struggling to keep a roof over your own head and feed yourself and have no luxeries at all - when theres nothing that can give to free up money for something else - in this case a baby

As for the comprimise, well i cant suggest any thing because i dont know all your personal circumstances or why your partner feels this way. Only you can decide this but talking without getting angry is the only way to acheive this.

Best of luck

 

[Princess_LV]

Hi hun,

I finished my law degree last summer, and now coming to the end of the LPC, and we will be trying for baby number 1 in October. Originally we had said we'll wait at least until I have completed my training contract, but as they are so few and far between at the moment, we have decided that I will do something else (relevant work, I hope) for a year, and then have 9months to year maternity leave with baby before entering into a contract in Sept 2012. That's the plan anyway!

I'm not sure how far along in your studies you are, but as the time frame is set at 6 years, I'm assuming you are still in the degree phase? If this is correct, then I have some advice to impart to you as regards training (advice that I wish someone else had given me!) The LPC is long, boring, and really expensive. If you can get in with a large london firm that will fund the course, brilliant, ignore what I say! But if you can't, try your darndest to get a legal secretary or paralegal job part-time, and do the LPC part-time around that. I wish I had done this because I find the full-time LPC so much heavy, hard work, that I have not been able to keep my part-time job during it. That will then give you a hell of a lot of relevant experience, which really is the be all and end all in this job market. This experience can also be set off against your training contract time - so where a normal training contract is 24 months, if you have 6 months from that job, you can reduce your training contract to 18 months, which may shorten your 6 year wait!

I completely disagree with one of the previous posters who says that being a solicitor and a mum is not a good combination. You can do both - I have seen people sucessfully do both, and I WILL be sucessfully doing both. Solicitor firms know more than anyone what your maternity rights are, so you are much less likely to be messed around in this career, especially if you know your rights yourself.

Good luck with whatever you chose to do, I'm sure you will make things work Sorry for the huuuuge post.... but you know how us trainee solicitors like to be "concise!" Oh, and your GP? Very, very unprofessional. x

 

[londonbird]

Thanks so much for the response, I know firms are great with flexi working options + maternity leave, this again is a reason oh is saying wait, and have good maternity cover rather than not so great with local gov

Am now waiting to hear on training contracts, all pay for LPC or at least sponsor partially, I know its sooo exspensive, It makes total sense to wait, I know that, he knows that... its just like my body does not want to hear any rational decesions right now!!

Thanks so so much, kind of knocked some reality into me

I cant afford it and I will have to find a way of just hanging on in there

Ta for listening to my moans guys

Err yeah...dont think I will be going back to that doctor in a hurry!

 

[4magpies]

I love my other half to bits but I am in the same boat. I have wanted one since my MC 2 years ago.

He said we can start trying when we move into this bigger house we just bought (next month!!). Now hes turned round and said he isnt gonna be ready. I am very upset. I dont want to have to leave him. How do I know he wont be like this forever? Stringing me along.

To make things worse I have just found out that due to an infection after my MC I now have an ovary full of scar tissue and a blocked tube!

Fed up about it all really. Dont know what I am going to do. Going to give it another year to see if he comes round.

I can just feel time ticking away. I should have a 1 year old LO by now and I have nothing... well except a nicely f*cked tube and ovary!!

Hope you sort things with your partner. I dont know what to do about mine.

I am not even allowed to talk about or mention TTC or babies.

xxx

 

[tbuns]

My therapist told me yesterday that she had her newborn, worked and went to school full time. And then told me I can do anything I set my mind to.

You can too! Sorry for your loss and I hope you and your OH can reach a compromise.

 

[tbuns]

I am not even allowed to talk about or mention TTC or babies.

xxx

ugh... what???

 

[4magpies]

I am not even allowed to talk about or mention TTC or babies.

xxx

ugh... what???

He told me to shut up and to never mention it again. Enough said.

 

[londonbird]

Hugs sweetie

I know what its like, walking on eggshells, not mentioning babies,trying, switching over adverts with babies on!! trying to cry quietly etc ... it stinks!!

Thanks for all the sweet replies guys, I am gonna try and take my pill tonight

Fingers crossed just one day at a time!

 

[Rikki]

I am not even allowed to talk about or mention TTC or babies.

xxx

ugh... what???

He told me to shut up and to never mention it again. Enough said.

That's awful. To me that sounds like he's not going to change his mind anytime soon.

I have a 7 year old with my ex - not planned, I was on the pill. He didn't want kids when we got together but had started saying he wanted kids, but when I got pregnant he actually phoned BUPA to get the price of an abortion without even consulting me. I refused and we split up. We got back together when our LO was about 9 months old - he agreed that we could have more kids, get engaged/married etc. Within 6 months I realised he was lying. I had a ring, but he never told his friends/family we were engaged and we never had the party he'd promised. It took another 3 years before we split, but 6 weeks after we broke up he had a vasectomy and I found out he'd arranged this while we were together, almost a year earlier, so he obviously had no intention of us having more kids. He didn't even discuss it with me.

Sorry for the long post. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you need to weigh up whether you want to be with this person with or without children, or whether having children is more important. My ex wasn't right for me, but I know that if he had been honest and refused more kids in the first place I would never have got back with him. Now I have a new partner who wants kids as much (maybe more) than I do, but I am 37 now and have had 3 miscarriages with him in the past 13 months. TBH I would stay with him forever even if we can't have children together.

 

[4magpies]

I love him to bits but the way he is behaving at the moment is making me wonder why I bother? I had a lap on thursday and I have enough on my plate at the moment. I have been in tears probably 20 times over the past 2 days. I am stressed out and at the end of my tether. I have just found out I only have one working tube and an ovary full of scar tissue.

I have told him that if we arent pregnant/TTC by june next year I will seriously consider leaving him. I have to give him a chance to make up his mind I think.

xxx

 

[londonbird]

4magpies, hope you can have a chat with your oh and see whats best, sorry you have been going through all this, its really hard

I have spoken to my oh, he says hes happy to have more, just when we can manage..which is fair, and I know I have to just be patient, hes great with his kids and wants more, so I just have to distract myself and not get upset/crack up when a babies seem to be everywhere!!

Thanks guys you have all been super duper helpful!

4magpies, rest up hun, thursday was not long ago for a lap..I have had so many I lost count, hugs hunny