Just need support,feel so lost

[OliveBay]

We didn't have our baby's funeral until almost 2 weeks after I had him, as it took a while for him to be returned to the hospital from where the post mortem was done, and then we wanted the same chaplain to do the service who we had met in the hospital on delivery day but he was off for a week. It seemed a long gap at the time, but gave us lots o time to prepare ourselves and be strong enough to deal with it. Only myself and my husband went to the funeral. I felt a bit bad for excluding our family and friends, but thought it would upset me more having other people there and seeing them crying for us and for the baby. It felt right for us just having the two of us there. You just have to decide what is right for you and I'm sure no-one will question your decision or hold it against you.

 

[Bride2b]

Still no news on the funeral,tried to ring the chaplain & the family support person at the hospital a few times but no answer!hate this waiting! Having a real shit time tonight!

 

[katie21188]

Please don't blame youself, it is not your fault. Its been just over 4 months for me since I lost my twin daughters at 22 weeks, before I went to the hospital I had been having pains throughout the day but being my first pregnancy I had no idea these were contractions, and people told me you'd know if they were you'd be in more pain so i figured well it must just be braxton hicks or growing pains, i never expected it to be contractions. I did blame myself because now I look back and realise I was so dumb, of course they were the start of early labour, but as time has gone, its been a bit better, it was our first pregnancy, next pregnancy we will know more. I hope you don't beat yourself up to much about it, it isnt your fault and never will be.
Here for you as well

 

[katie21188]

We also only had immediate family at our girls funeral, i didn't want it to be a big one as it would have made it more sad seeing everyone crying so it was just me and my fiance his parents and my parents and grand parents

 

[Bride2b]

Going to have a rant!!!!!!!!!

I know OH is back to work as he has to and his way of dealing with things is to get stuck in. He lost his dad about 10 weeks ago and just got on with things to support his mum. I know that his way of dealing with things.

He hasnt mentioned Bertie for a few days now, and has come home from work and said stuff like 'what have you been doing all day' when he saw the bin hadnt been emptied and just moaned I hadnt started the dinner yet! Yes I usually do the dinner & clean the house & everything else & I think he thinks as I am off work things should be done even more efficiently.

I do not feel like doing anything apart from crawling under a rock & never coming out. I have aches and pains & feel like shit regardless of the fact I am so cut up about losing my baby. I had more of a bond with Bertie as I could feel him inside my tummy & for months I lost sleep, felt sick etc due to the pregnancy. I also had to give birth to a baby that I would never see grow up. I feel like screaming this in his face......

I hate being miserable in front of him, as his mum has been grieving for his dad and he has supported her.....and now he has to live with me crying. I dont feel like I can grieve for Bertie as I feel guilty that he is surrounded by grief.

I just want him to understand that I am not a lazy miserable cow, just that my heart has been crushed and I have no idea how I am supposed to cope with this. I am trying to be so strong but I just hate the place I am in at the moment.

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm sorry you are going through this hon. My OH is pretty much like yours - gets stuck in and supports everyone else and sweeps his own feelings under the rug a lot of the time. Men and women often do grieve differently and I know my OH was exactly the same, thinking what am I doing moping around, especially as he's working so hard. He is probably just worried you will go into such a hole and never come back out again and doesn't realise that you have such a physical part to get over too. My DH eventually realised that doing away with your own feelings just isn't healthy and he knows I have to go about it my own way, but we have had our share of fights about the state of the house, I have to say!

I have zero motivation still, and it's been 4 months! My DH was so caring at the start but we did fight a lot at around 4 weeks after we lost the boys then got through it again. I did eventually yell at him that I had carried these babies, lived and breathed their life, felt them kicking me and gave birth to them so it was different for me. I felt bad after as I didn't want to make it "my loss is harder then yours" but I did feel he didn't quite get that aspect of it, or that he could shut his feelings off easier than me so didn't understand why I couldn't do the same and "just get on with it". Having said that, in some ways he suffered more than me, in a different way, as his manly desire to fix everything would have made it so hard to just watch it all happening and be unable to stop it or help in any way. He had to watch me in such pain and could'nt do anything except hold me.

I hope you can sort it out without screaming all that at him, but maybe before it gets to boiling point, gently point out the physical aspect of it for you and the difference between the way you handle things and he does and ask him to cut you some slack. Tell him you're signed off work for a reason and that's not so you can up the work at home!

All the best xxx

 

[blav]

Have you tried talking to OH about how you're feeling? My OH was so very supportive of everything. He never complained when laundry wasn't done or dinner wasn't on the table. He didn't always talk about Mateo, but when I brought him up he always hugged me and comforted me. Just last night we had a conversation about him and although I ended up in tears, it still feels good to be able to talk and share with OH.

Your OH has been through a lot with the loss of his father and I understand you don't want your emotions to be a "burden" to him, but that is just how it is. You need to tell him how you're feeling and how the things he says make you feel.

My mom came into town the week after we lost Mateo and it felt like all she wanted to do was go shopping and get out of the house. I honestly felt like I would be perfectly happy sleeping the days away. If she hadn't been here, I would have.

Everything is so fresh for you, don't feel badly for having the emotions and feelings you're experiencing, it all sounds like what I went through and what other ladies here went through. Please be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal.

 

[Bride2b]

Sorry for the rant ladies, just felt so fed up and pissed off as he just came home & went straight into the office to do some work, sometimes I just need a hug so I know things are ok!

I am going to talk to him so he knows how I feel, he will be understanding I know, I think my hormones are all over the place & I'm still waiting on getting a date for the funeral. Its really getting to me....as I am so scared about it! Think I have tried to hold in my emotions the last few days and they have just built up.

Thanks for being there, you all know what I am feeling. I just cant bare feeling so sad!

 

[sunkiss]

awww hunny, now i have read ur story, im so sorry u had to go through this ...it has taken me so long to get to this section because i was scared to read other stories as i couldnt even deal with mines, but we all have so much of the same feelings and emotions, im glad i finally made it here, i blamed myself too no matter how much everyone said it wasnt my fault, i felt i should have known the signs and did something to prevent this...was no way we could know hunny or stop this from happening, all these emotions are so natural and u will feel different in ur own time as u heal, God will send u the answer as he sent to me n some of ur pain will be eased...im still going through the motions and it has been a few mths but it is getting better with each day...ur a strong brave woman, u just lost ur baby and u was able to share words of encouragement to me when i needed it, ur gonna get through this, take ur time n heal, we will all see better days and our angels will always send us comfort

 

[Hotbump]

Its not your fault sweetie

 

[Bride2b]

Katie21188, I love your avatar, I never got a photo of Bertie & its something that is getting to me a little bit. I know I cant get a photo of him now as he will look different. I wondered about asking the hospital to get a photo of his hand like your avatar. I know we cant have regrets & at the time I didnt want a photo, but I am scared my memory of him will fade.

 

[mhazzab]

Katie21188, I love your avatar, I never got a photo of Bertie & its something that is getting to me a little bit. I know I cant get a photo of him now as he will look different. I wondered about asking the hospital to get a photo of his hand like your avatar. I know we cant have regrets & at the time I didnt want a photo, but I am scared my memory of him will fade.

I dont want to upset you here but Is it worth speaking to them and asking how much he has changed and whether they would still recommend photos, even if it's just hands / feet? I know you wouldnt want doctored photos of him ideally but maybe if they have a photographer they would know how to take the pictures in a good way and maybe do something to them before you see them if you know what I mean?
I didn't want photos either but I went along with it, I am so glad I did now and I hate to think of you missing out on that, if it's still a possibility. Maybe they could even just take footprints or something?
The photos i was given are black and white and kind of soft focus, very tasteful.

Even if they took the photos of him now but you don't ever look at them there is an artist who will sketch your angel from photos, she does it in kind of a way where it's what they would have looked like if they were born at the right time? The ones I have seen are lovely xx

 

[Bride2b]

I know what you mean it might be too late. I think I will phone up and ask them what they think. I dont want photos of his hands and feet if he has changed loads. I know when I saw his last week on a few days after he had changed a little (but his hands & feet were the same). I have hand and foot prints, but I guess its not the same as a photo. I just really hope that they can do it and that he hasnt changed too much. Maybe they could do them in black & white as you said just in case the colour has changes.

I dont know why I keep thinking of things, I'm still waiting on a funeral date (this wait is so painful), I think I am just trying to cling onto him while he is still here (so to speak).

Why is this so painful?

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so sorry hon, I hope you can get something. Also maybe ask the hospital if they took pictures for their notes? I know some do, and they would no doubt give you copies of these too.

xx

 

[DueSeptember]

I had a LEEP done in September my water broke at 23 weeks and I had my Maya at 24 weeks...No infection Nothing came back out of the normal...she was perfect...I will make sure I am watched closely because I read about pregnancies after LEEP and a lot of them were successful and some were not...Did the Doctors say anything to you about having an early pregnancy? It is so sad Sorry for your Loss

 

[OliveBay]

Bride, when i went back to the hospital for my results appointment with the consultant (after about 6 weeks) they gave me a photo they'd taken even though we'd taken lots of our own. It was quite sweet, he was all wrapped up and just looked like he was asleep. I'm sure they must have at least one photo already that they could give you a copy of, or as you haven't had the funeral yet they should be able to get one taken. Most midwives and hospitals now recognise the importance of having these mementos to help us with our grieving and will take photos or handprints to keep for when we ask for them in the future, as sometimes we decide we don't want them straight away.

I hope you have some success with this and that you hear about the funeral plans soon

 

[Bride2b]

I had a LEEP done in September my water broke at 23 weeks and I had my Maya at 24 weeks...No infection Nothing came back out of the normal...she was perfect...I will make sure I am watched closely because I read about pregnancies after LEEP and a lot of them were successful and some were not...Did the Doctors say anything to you about having an early pregnancy? It is so sad Sorry for your Loss

When I had the LEEP they told me there is a 10% chance of early labour, but didnt explain anything more than this to me. They were pretty shit to be honest & I never was really given much information about the procedure or anything! At the time we were not thinking about having children so it wasnt something I asked more questions about.

I will be demanding that they monitor this closely or at least put in a stitch for my next pregnancy if there is no other cause found. As far as I am concerned they never measured my cervix, the scan I had a 12 weeks they didnt, but I hadnt seen anyone except the midwife who did the HB at 16 weeks and nothing else. No one monitored anything even thought I had a history of LEEP. It seems like they dont bother until you get complications / mc with your first baby. It seems like some people have to go through this unnecessary pain just because they dont monitor ladies in their first pregnancy who have had work done on their cervix.

x

 

[Bride2b]

Bride, when i went back to the hospital for my results appointment with the consultant (after about 6 weeks) they gave me a photo they'd taken even though we'd taken lots of our own. It was quite sweet, he was all wrapped up and just looked like he was asleep. I'm sure they must have at least one photo already that they could give you a copy of, or as you haven't had the funeral yet they should be able to get one taken. Most midwives and hospitals now recognise the importance of having these mementos to help us with our grieving and will take photos or handprints to keep for when we ask for them in the future, as sometimes we decide we don't want them straight away.

I hope you have some success with this and that you hear about the funeral plans soon

Thanks hun, I asked the liason officer at the hospital yesterday if she could find out about photos & if they didnt take any to see if they could get some of his hands and feet in the least. Its been 2 weeks now so I know he will look different to the day I delivered. He did just look like he was asleep before, which made seeing him easier.

I am still waiting on the funeral.....how can it really take this bloody long? They didnt need to do any tests on him, surely they must realise that all this waiting is not doing any good! I am going to phone again this afternoon if I've not heard anything from them by lunch time. Its doing me in!

x

 

[DueSeptember]

I had a LEEP done in September my water broke at 23 weeks and I had my Maya at 24 weeks...No infection Nothing came back out of the normal...she was perfect...I will make sure I am watched closely because I read about pregnancies after LEEP and a lot of them were successful and some were not...Did the Doctors say anything to you about having an early pregnancy? It is so sad Sorry for your Loss

When I had the LEEP they told me there is a 10% chance of early labour, but didnt explain anything more than this to me. They were pretty shit to be honest & I never was really given much information about the procedure or anything! At the time we were not thinking about having children so it wasnt something I asked more questions about.

I will be demanding that they monitor this closely or at least put in a stitch for my next pregnancy if there is no other cause found. As far as I am concerned they never measured my cervix, the scan I had a 12 weeks they didnt, but I hadnt seen anyone except the midwife who did the HB at 16 weeks and nothing else. No one monitored anything even thought I had a history of LEEP. It seems like they dont bother until you get complications / mc with your first baby. It seems like some people have to go through this unnecessary pain just because they dont monitor ladies in their first pregnancy who have had work done on their cervix.

x

Yea I thought the appointments every 4 weeks were pointless my Doctor didnt do anything just asked the same questions. I did have a colpo at 13 weeks and I was thinking that may have caused my water to break but I dont know they dont give you any answers...after I had Maya my Doctor said it was important that I have the LEEP done or I could get Cancer so I went ahead and did it because my Mom passed away a month after Maya with breast cancer and if I can help it I would rather NOT have cancer...BUT when I do get pregnant again I will make sure I am watched because I Lost my Baby and had a LEEP...I never had an internal so they didnt monitor my cervix..They checked for infection...they checked my blood...nothing came back my Doctor said "it just happens" Just know I will make sure if I have anything to do with it that it will NOT happen again! or I will see someone who will HELP me...

 

[Bride2b]

Gosh I'm surprised they would do that when ur pregnant but I guess if they think it can't wait then they would! Sorry about ur mum too,can't believe you had to deal with so much in such a short space of time. It might be worth asking about a cervical cerclage next time just in case....it's something that I'll be asking about

Take care xx