Just not sure whats for the best anymore..

[charxxx]

Gosh all my posts seem to be depressing fm latley :-/ So I will apologise now for that lol...

Thing is I just feel really genuinally stuck right now .. I have no house.. a boyfriend who only seems to think of himself, doesnt really seem like he wants to try and help get a house together, spends his earnings on stupid sound equipment for his car?!, And is forever taking the pee out of me he literally takes nothing seriously anymore and I really wouldnt be surprised if hes seeing other girls behind my back. Everyone says Im silly to think it but I know better than anyone else that things arent the same anymore and yeah maybe its because I fell pregnant too early but he was the one who made a point about how much it means and that we would make a go of it.. Obviously he cant keep promises.

I just dont know what to do anymore.. I already have a 2yo daughter and he has full custody of his daughter whos 3yo. If I apply for a counsil house and succesfully get a house for me and my daughter then we'd still never be together as a family because the only way I would get one in the first place is if it was just for me and my daughter and the new baby.. We live in different counties so we cant make a joint application.

I have so much crap to sort out and I feel like I'm doing it all alone which is just stressing me out even more.. So now I have the added stress of what happens when I have the baby.. I had pnd with my daughter so badly that I never ate and would just be spaced out most of the time I couldnt pay attention to anything or anyone and I know that I'll probably be getting it again this time especially if were still living with my mother and stepdad in this tiny 2 bedroom house.. I already share a room with my daughter theres no room for a baby anywhere

We havent even started baby shopping and neither of us have kept our daughters things because we never thought we'd be having kids again after our last relationships.. We just have nothing.. nothing for baby nowhere to live.. we dont even see eachother very much atall, I see him once maybe twice a week if I'm lucky and he has money to put petrol in is car it sounds like we live miles away from eachother when the reality is he only lives in the next county! Its a 25 min drive away..

I just dunno what to do and things must be getting bad because last night I couldnt sleep all I could think about was adoption because there is no other way I can see me being able to give this baby the life she deserves, I already find myself getting emotional over my 2yo because I know that I can never in my wildest dreams give her the life she deserves.. But I have the chance to make a change with this baby.. I just dont know what to do!!!

 

[DMG83]

have you tried speaking to your parents about it? perhaps they could offer you some kind of support? also, playing the system i know, but could your parents say they are throwing you and your daughter out and that you're pregnant to get your own house and get set up on your own? I'm sure given the right support you are more than capable of giving both your babies everything they deserve, even if you do struggle financially.. Adoption is a big step to consider, and there is not just you to consider but your LO already and your bf etc. But it's a wonderful thing to do for a family that cannot have their own child so if that's the road you choose, you should be proud of yourself for doing that.

I really think that right now you need support more than anything else, and you don't have to make any decisions right away

 

[charxxx]

have you tried speaking to your parents about it? perhaps they could offer you some kind of support? also, playing the system i know, but could your parents say they are throwing you and your daughter out and that you're pregnant to get your own house and get set up on your own? I'm sure given the right support you are more than capable of giving both your babies everything they deserve, even if you do struggle financially.. Adoption is a big step to consider, and there is not just you to consider but your LO already and your bf etc. But it's a wonderful thing to do for a family that cannot have their own child so if that's the road you choose, you should be proud of yourself for doing that.

I really think that right now you need support more than anything else, and you don't have to make any decisions right away

I do need support but I dont get it from my mum or my stepdad, My real dad just keeps things low key and he's never helped me with anything, Then theres my bf who should be supporting all of us but I've been waiting for him to do something about it since before I got pregnant and I'm getting tired of waiting for something thats never going to happen

I've never had a home really, My mum and dad got divorced and got seperate houses then my mum moved her bf in straight away and me and my sister didnt know who he was or anything.. Then a week before my 16th birthday my mum sent me to my dads with my bags packed because she didnt like my bf at the time.. Then I moved in with my bf when I left school because my dad never really had a clue.. for example I used my bday money to get to and from school because he never thought about me actually needing money to get there and for lunch ect.. :-/ years later and I've done it all.. Been in violent relationships, private rented 2 houses and then ended up back here at mums because she needed the deposit on my last house. I couldnt say no because I owed her money from her paying my bills for a month when I was short of money..

I had a row with her today and told her to just write me a letter saying I'm homeless if were that un-welcome but she always just tries to make it up with me and she never does write a letter.. Which would be needed to prove that theyre kicking us out Its just a dead end xx

 

[DMG83]

how old are you? personally if it was me, i'd just accept that it's mum's house, she's entitled to have her bf there (even if he's a total a-hole) and that you're never going to feel comfortable there or have enough room for yourself and 2 LO's in 1 room.. I'd ask her to write you a letter, not whilst you're having a row, but have a serious sit-down conversation just the two of you and explain that you feel it's not fair to bring so much tension into her house, and that you feel it's time to stand on your own two feet and have your own house, and the only way you will achieve that is for her to write you the letter and say she's kicking you out.

I know plenty of young mums (23 with 2 children aged 4ish) who have had to do the same and faced the same problems and they are finally standing on their own two feet with a house, then as the kids have reached nursery/school age they are now looking for jobs to better themselves and give a better life for their kids..

Perhaps your bf feels a bit lost as to what to do because it's such an odd set-up? perhaps he's thinking "well she's got her mum, i don't need to waste my cash"? he sounds quite youngish (boys toys, cars, sound systems...) so even if it was a "traditional" set-up and you were together, house etc. then he'd still need some guidance to prepare for the baby so it must be hard for him too with the way things have turned out.

Remember that also these things do always seem much worse because we feel so vulnerable when we're pregnant and lots of little things can just weigh us down and make us think things are worse than they are..



EDIT: Just realised my opening "how old are you?" sounds really stand-offish, i didn't mean it that way at all.. i literally was just wondering how old you are lol xx

 

[charxxx]

I've not long turned 20 and yeah of course I understand my mum can do whatever she likes its her house lol.. But the thing that gets me down is the fact she just wont help me atall we were sat in the garden the other day and I said to her would it be possible for her to atleast say I cant stay here if they rang her and her answer is always the same and thats- She wont make me homeless and doesnt want to tell people she is.. I've explained that its just one of those things and its always the same answer.

I dont act like a teenager and roam about the house all day everyday, I wash up.. do mine and my daughters washing and buy our food and my daughters things obviously and I just really want a life for us again. I did start private renting in 2009 I saved up a deposit and first months rent and eventually got there, then used the deposit for the next house I moved to but when the lease ended on that house my mum asked me if we could move in with her because she needed the money and I couldnt say no when I owed her some money anyway..

As for my bf he doesnt have an excuse really.. I helped him get a job and now hes still not happy I dont think its anything to do with the baby I think its because he doesnt want to part with his money unless its for himself.. Hes 21 but acts older and the sound system in the car was totally out of character for him he never usually is like that but now we cant find anything in the boot because of the sub speaker thing. Which means no room for a pushchair or bags.. nothing.

I hate not being independant its killing me.. Even more so now I'm expecting another baby but I just litterally dont know what to do. I could save all the money I get and maybe be able to privatley rent again but I'm not sure I have enough time considering I cant just not spend any money I'd still need to buy our food, pay our way and start buying baby stuff so it just feels impossible xx

**Forgot to add, I'm recieving money for my daughter but I dont work because of childcare costs, I did arrange a meeting with the jobcenter about finding work and getting help with the childcare for a while until she starts pre school but the adviser said to start with going back to college which I dont want to do. I then said about wanting a paid job and she said I'd get less help towards the childcare if I went out and got a job and theres no one else that could mind her as everyone I know works fulltime.

 

[DMG83]

i'm not sure what to suggest then hun if you're mum won't help with writing the letter.. it does sound like something my mum would say too though ie. no way am i saying i'm throwing you out, you can stay. But then i'm 28 and moved out when i was 17 so i've not been in your position.. It does seem you're in a hard position..

Your OH certainly isn't acting very responsible towards you and the LO right now

hopefully someone else will be able to offer some more advice for you..

 

[charxxx]

Yeah, I'm just going to have to figure something out lol thanks though xx

 

[Gnomer]

You don't need a letter off your mum. Tell them its overcrowded. Explain your pregnant, you already have a daughter and you are confined to one room.
Lay it on thick, cry, sob, explain that your mother is making life hell, but she refuses to sign a letter stating she is kicking you out. I'd even go to the doctors, lay that on a bit thick, and ask him to give you a letter explaining its effects on your mental health. They might put you in a hostel for a while, but I'm sure time out in your own space will do you the world of good!

As for the OH, men suck at times. They just don't understand! I'd distance myself a bit, he is either going to come running, or it will fizzle out. And as hard as it might sound, you will feel better in the long run.
I only see my OH 2 days a week. And we live all of a 10 minute car journey apart! But we are saving to get our own place. Struggling though! OH like to dip into our savings when he feels like it. Frustrating!

Don't let yourself feel so down flower. You'll find a way! Your emotions will just be playing havoc with you! And once you are settled and happy, you'll wonder why you ever worried so much!

 

[LittleStars]

I don't know a lot about the rules for council housing but it seems that if having your mom 'kick you out' officially would help you out to get a unit that would be the path to take, if she still won't do it then I like the idea of laying it on thick and basically begging for help. Get yourself, daughter and baby to be all set up in a house where you can have your sanity first, then worry about your OH. Would the two of you be eligible to get council housing IF you did live in the same county? Because if so, then he can always move in with you after the fact once your set up and it would affect your situation. The only other option I thought of was if he'd prefer that you both live in his county then is there a way that you could fudge that you live where he is right now (I'm guessing he's living with parents too?) and then you BOTH got kicked out and apply together. Kinda depends on whether you think that living together now would help you or hinder you. If you think you'd be better off just still dating then defintiely consider branching out on your own and taking care of your needs.

As for buying car stereos.. years ago my DH knew the pressure was on to buy me a engagement ring. He went out and bought a brand new computer and a few other gadgets instead. I was furious! It was like his last little freak-out before getting serious. He proposed about 3 months later with the perfect ring! So perhaps your BF is having a little crisis of his own and thinks that until the baby comes it's okay, not realizing that you're freaking out all by yourself thinking the worst of things.

And for buying the gear.. yes it's great to have all new, funky, hip stuff. But honestly you know how little half this stuff actually gets used from having a child already. Try looking at second hand shops, boot sales, online etc to get the basics. Ask around to friends and family and see if anyone has stuff they can give or loan you too.

Good luck!

 

[littlemiss83]

I'm not sure how it works where you live, but here, if you apply for a council house, you have to obviously fill out the application form first, and it doesn't give an option for if your being chucked out, it just asks where do you live just now, how many ppl live there, how many bedrooms are there ect ect, so basically if the house you live in is over-crowded then you will automatically get points, you wouldn't have to explain that you're being kicked out, just that your mum doesn't have enough bedrooms, they would probably want to come out and check just to make sure you aren't lying and your mum wouldn't have to say..i want to chuck her out, they just make sure you're living the way you are then they leave. Could you not explain to your mum that she wouldn't actually have to mention anything about kicking you out? You could have a good chat with your mum and explain that you want to get your own place and she could help you to improve your life by doing a couple of minor things to help.

At least if you did get your own place, it would be a starting point for you, you would get 2 bedrooms - could your OH's child share with your child? coz your baby would be in your bedroom for 6mths - 1yr or however long you want so you would have a good wee while until you have to worry about putting baby in seperate bedroom.

Try and keep your chin up,things will fall into place, I would personally just go for it and apply for a council place. And dont worry about having no baby stuff, you have plenty of time to do that. We only have 2 minor things so far.

 

[DMG83]

As far as I am aware if you are "thrown out" then you are automatically put straight up the list if you have a child and nowhere to live, whereas if it's just over-crowded you may get more points but you're behind those who are "homeless".. but i think it's a great idea to go to the council direct and apply the sooner you get on the list the better x

 

[Kasia]

 

[MummyMEE]

I would just concentrate on getting a place for you and your kids right now sweetheart, let your OH worry about his kids for now. You need a place you can call you can call home and feel safe in whilst you are pregnant - if you and the OH are still together when the baby arrives then think about moving in, your little girl has enough changes going on in her life to have any extra stress from your OH and his kid. xx