Just want to talk

[stardust599]

I sometimes find other people really insensitive and get really upset that no-one seems to understand or even just want to listen so I just wanted to post this to get it all out.

I had a missed miscarriage in 2007. I didn't know anything was wrong apart from a bad feeling and I worried constantly in that pregnancy too. I found out at my 12 week scan that my baby had died very early on although the sac etc. had continued to grow and I had no idea my baby had died. The pregnancy was a surprise but my baby was very much wanted and the loss was devastating to me.

I was only 17 at the time and haven't really dealt with the loss. I was in an abusive relationship so had no friends and after the loss my family refused to acknowledge there had been a baby at all so my little beanie has never been talked about. Doctors and nurses at the time told me my loss was for the best (I'm presuming because of my age) and even my own doctor told me not to get pregnant afterwards as I was too young.

I'm not over 15 weeks after TTC for 14months with my DP who I met after my loss, he doesn't really understand as this is all new to him. I've found the first 3 months of pregnancy incredibly tough, I worry about every little twinge and I constantly think my baby could be dead inside me and I wouldn't know. I've had bleeding at 13 weeks which terrified me but was down to a cervical erosion.

I worry about everything... miscarriage, incompetent cervix, stillbirth, premature labour, cot death!! I even worry that worrying too much is going to make something go wrong!!

I also get sad for the little baby I'll never get to meet and sometimes have a little cry I'll never get to hold him or her even though I'm absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, I then feel guilty for being happy and buying things for my beanie!

I've been signed off work with severe anxiety which has caused high blood pressure, panic attacks etc. but am due to go back tomorrow after 3 weeks off which is stressing me out but I need to go back now or I'll never get back to normal. Everyone I try to talk to about how I'm feeling says "don't worry, you're past the miscarriage stage now" and even my OH says "what could go wrong now??" they just don't seem to understand I worry about the worst happening.

I've bought an anxiety hypnosis CD which will hopefully help.

Have to end this early as my OH has just come in and I don't want him seeing me upset again xx

 

[hb1]

Sorry you've had such a hard time and no support with your first pregnancy - with my mc I had plenty of support and it was still very hard so can only imagine how difficult it has been.

Good luck getting back to work - it'll poss be good for you to keep your mind off the worries - which are totally natural - I think we all have the same worries after a mc.

hx

 

[kermit4]

Oh stardust,

sounds like you are having a tough time right now. I totally empathise with the whole worrying that "things have gone wrong and you don't know it" thing. I had a really positive start to my pregnancy but I have just come through the most awful two weeks where I was convinced that something had happened and my body wasn't aware yet. I had even thought through how I was going to tell people and how I would cover my shifts at work while I was off grieving. It was a mad couple of weeks and I only really settled when I saw bubs moving and kicking around during my scan. I couldn't look at the screen to begin with. I was well past the "miscarriage stage" but my imagination had gone into overdrive and there was no reasoning with me. Happily all was well and I am feeling far more rational now.

I think I was just left too long without speaking to my midwife and I plan to mention my anxiety to her when I see her next week. I will worry about everything and yet I feel like I'm "bothering" the midwife or GP if I go to see them outside of my allotted appointment times. But I can't spend another two weeks like the last two...

Maybe you could ask if your midwife will fit you in more regularly just to hear your baby's heart beat. The anxiety can't be doing you much good and it sounds like you are worried about your OH too. My OH felt so hopeless seeing me so anxious. I know it was making him worry too and it broke my heart but I needed him to be there to soothe me. I told him he didn't need to say anything to "fix" things but just to be there when I needed him and we got through.

I hope your first week back at work has gone OK.

Much love,
K.x

 

[mrsjo]

It might even benefit you to get some counseling. I have just found out we are pregnant again after a MMC in Feb this year. I know I am going to stress a lot and it will be hard but I plan to talk through my feelings, seek medical advice when I am really worried and do the best that I can to stay positive and healthy.

Good luck with everything. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[Mizze]

Id recommend counselling too. I had some stress counselling a few months after my second mmc - I wish id had it earlier but I just keep struggling on until 1 day I just simply couldnt cope and had to go to the Dr. My stress counsellor is helping me though the pregnancy too.

Mizze xx

 

[KatyKat]

Stardust, I really feel for you. to experience a miscarriage is always painful, but to go through it as alone as you did must be awful.

I found that reading up and getting as much info as possible after my last miscarriages helped me a great deal this time around. It's made me aware that although there are things that can go wrong, the chances are you'll have a perfectly healthy pregnancy the next time, and that the odd twinge and cramp is perfectly normal!

I think the suggestion to have counselling is a good one - it doesn't sound like you've been able to properly grieve for your last pregnancy, and to let go and enjoy this one. Fingers crossed things will get better for you soon.

 

[stardust599]

Hi girls

I'm sorry I haven't come back to this before now, I actually forgot I'd posted it and was just looking through some of my old posts when I came across it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to come and reply.

I'm feeling so much better now, I had a long talk with my doctor where we talked about my past miscarriage and what my fears are now. She also taught me practical solutions to deal with the immediate anxiety like breathing, distraction and confronting the thing that is panicking me at that particular time. All the things that I am afraid of I've been facing up to - researching them and making sure I am doing all the right things to prevent them. I feel better and almost content knowing that even if something does go wrong I am doing everything I can to keep me and beanie healthy and that everything else is up to fate now I guess.

I've considered counselling before but I'm a bit afraid of what to expect.

I feel almost good and relaxed now but still have bad days. I won't let myself get into that state again as I do think I was making myself ill and it couldn't have been very nice for my DP to see.

I got myself a doppler that I use when things get a bit too much too which has helped although sometimes it causes more worry for a bit!

I do still miss my beanie and feel sad that he or she isn't here but I'm accepting the loss and starting to move on a little and realise that I still have lots of special people in my life and I can't do anything to change the past.

Just wanted to say a wee thank u to everyone who took the time to read xxx
Edit - 18+6 with a healthy beanie now