known, family member donor and social stigma

[applesnail]

Hi everyone,
I've just found this forum after scouring the internet trying to find others who have done what my partner and I are considering doing... no luck. But I am hoping I can get some constructive feedback here.

BRIEF background, as I haven't introduced myself yet: I am in a same-sex marriage, wife and I are going through fertility tests and preparing to try to conceive. I will attempt to carry, hopefully through IUI. We always assumed we would go through a sperm bank for anonymous donor sperm.

Out of the blue recently, my wife's father offered us his sperm. He mentioned it only once, not wanting to be awkward, and left the ball in our court. He, my wife and I are the only ones who know he has made this offer.

My first thought was "oh my god I'm going to pass out because this is a huge piece of information to digest". My second thought was "what an amazingly generous offering". After those two thoughts my mind has been running wild... I can't sleep or concentrate on work... I was not expecting this kind of option.

I have primary concerns around social stigma. Would others refuse to see him as the sperm donor and the grandfather, as two separate entities? Would people mock our child for having a grandfather who is also a father? Or a mother who is also a half-sister?

I personally don't like to use the term "biological father" when referring to donor, known or unknown. "Father" will always imply a parenting role in my mind. And there would be no parenting role in this case.

Surprisingly, I have no fears that he would try to take on parenting roles or that he would treat the child as his own. I know him to be a no-strings-attached, generous person. And IF we went down this road, we would get a lawyer involved.

We also have not brought this idea to the rest of the family yet. I think that if they react without support, it would be a deal breaker. I would not want my child to be associated with a rift or discomfort in the family. One particular family concern is that my wife's father has a girlfriend whom we all find a little unstable. My wife's mother has passed away.

I really just want to know what other people think about this option. Please be honest.
Thank you!

 

[tverb84]

Personally, I don't think I could do this.

 

[CaliFrog]

Hmmm. This is a very interesting option as the baby would have some genes similar to your wife. I can understand having the child still calling him "grandfather", even though he was the one to provide the sperm.
Unfortunately, I fear that there will always be people, who will not supportive of same sex marriages, and same sex couples having children. I hope you live in a community and have friends and family, who are supportive.
I wish you both good luck in your journey to having a child.

 

[EmmySocks]

That sounds very generous and supportive of him.

I personally would want to avoid this route because of the potential complications with any known donor but particularly with such a close relation because if any disagreements arise it could be really tricky. You suggest that your father-in-law's girlfriend could be unhappy with the situation and if this happens how will it be for him? how will this affect you and your wife?

Honestly - I think there sounds too much potential for tension and problems, regardless of the potential social aspect.

Just some thoughts - obviously you know your situation better than me. Really wishing you good luck with starting your family xxxx

 

[cherrylips100]

He sounds like a very generous man. For me personally, I would use an anonymous donor as I feel that however good his intentions are, there might just be some awkwardness over the years that you just wouldn't experience with a stranger. Its a decision only you can make though.

 

[KylasBaby]

I personally wouldn't be able to do that. Some day the child will want to know who their father is and you would have to explain that "grandpa" is really their father. I think that would be a pretty hard thing to digest.

Putting myself in your shoes, I would not be able to use my girlfriends father as our donor or have her use mine. It would be too awkward for me. Then the baby would be one of our sibling being raised as our child and grandpa is really their father. I personally think that would really be a lot for a person to learn one of their moms is really their sister and their grandfather is their father. I do feel if their friends found out they would be made fun of.

I think it would create inevitable family issues or tension and awkwardness.

My girlfriend and I chose to use a known donor, but we did not know him beforehand. We didn't want the donor to be someone who would regularly see the child and/or interact with her. It puts them and us in an awkward position. But he is still known so we will be able to tell her about him at some point and they could meet. That way we aren't denying her knowing that part of herself.

 

[Symphony7]

I agree with Kyla above...I believe that being raised in a family with same sex parents, the children are likely to be open and accepting of family situations out of the "norm". But I think that would be so far out of the norm that it might be very difficult for them when they are old enough to be told. Not saying they might not accept it and be okay...but the possibility of it being difficult for them to take would be enough to put me off the idea.

I don't know, I would never be okay with that situation myself. Too many variables, and just in the back of my subconscious I recoil at the idea being too strange. But for me. You guys would have to decide how comfortable you are with it as everyone will have different opinions and gut feelings.

 

[Flip flop]

Is this actually legal? Im just thinking it might not be. Also it could result in genetic problems like those associated with inbreeding.

 

[CaliFrog]

When I first read it, I was wondering the same thing. But it is the father of Applesnail's wife. So as long as applesnail would use her egg and carry the baby, I don't see why there would be any genetic problems like inbreeding.
The biggest problem I see is how to explain it to the child and how he/she will react to the news.

 

[Flip flop]

When I first read it, I was wondering the same thing. But it is the father of Applesnail's wife. So as long as applesnail would use her egg and carry the baby, I don't see why there would be any genetic problems like inbreeding.
The biggest problem I see is how to explain it to the child and how he/she will react to the news.

You're right, I didn't fully think about it but there would be no gentic problems

 

[southernbound]

I think Kyla said it best. It is SUCH a kind offer, and it's so wonderful that you have a family that supports you that way, but it would open up a lot of potential complications in both family dynamics, and the future self identity of the baby, no matter how wonderful everyone's intentions were. If this were the only option, I would say go for it, because I think you deserve a baby, but with all of the options from sperm banks now (totally anonymous, partially anonymous, identity open etc) I think that there may be better options available to you. Plus, age is also a consideration, IUI is of course expensive, so being able to guarantee the health of the sperm may be ideal.

 

[clhozac]

I think if you're worried about the social stigma simply answering "We used a donor" is enough. Sure, you could explain how you found a donor and such, but most of the time these details are viewed as private so being brief is fine. And to avoid the awkward if a child asks you could also keep it brief "The donor liked Billy Idol and wood working, he has brown hair like you!" until they are old enough to handle it all. I agree with the sperm screening, but that is obvious for anyone you would consider for a donor. If you want to do it then there are ways to make it work.

I don't know how serious the father and the girlfriend are though. I would not want someone flipping out on me over it, if she is unstable and they are a serious item, maybe avoid this can of worms? Because I've found that unstable individuals never just let things go, so even if at first it doesn't bug her, maybe with time it will drive her crazy. You can't live life on what-ifs though.

How does your wife feel about it? Is she feeling YAY the child would be related to me and share my traits so it would feel even more like "mine"? Or is it more along the lines of a bad country song of my sister child is going out with her father grandfather and she just doesn't like it?

Good luck whichever way you go