Long in-laws rant

[maisie78]

Rant alert!! Sorry but if I don't get this out somewhere I am going to explode!

BLOODY IN LAWS!!!! Once again they are making our birth all about them and how stressed they feel. With dd I very inconveniently failed to progress and ended up with an emcs 48 hours after my waters went. I was knackered, sore and so disappointed but hey nothing compared to how stressed it had made them! We had to rely on them bringing oh to the hospital to see us and I just felt pretty abandoned for the 5 days I was in hospital because they never brought him before lunchtime and then would insist on collecting him early because THEY were so tired and stressed from MY birth.

Then our daughter turned out to have a rare genetic disorder. Cue months of hospital visits and.operations trying desperately to save her sight which all failed and she went blind when she was 7 months old. Again waxed lyrical about how they would support us and our daughter but actually it also became about how upset and sad THEY are that she is blind nevermind that our lives were turned upside down. They are full of contradictions. Always telling us they think we are doing a great job and that they will happily have her any time to help give us a break. Except then they manage to criticise literally everything we do, nothing is ever good enough or right. Even down to my choice of coat some days. Oh and when we do ask them to have her they nearly always seem to be doing something that day. We haven't been out since she was born in 2012! It's not like I expect anyone to look after my child for me but if you don't want to have her stop offering!

So now roll on this birth. As you can imagine the pregnancy has been quite stressful for us after what we went through with dd. Waiting to see if he is healthy. No reason to think he isn't as tests and scans have all been positive but hey we werestruck by lightning once. I decided early on to request an elcs this time due to the problems during dd's birth. We have asked them to help out with dd while I am in hospital and I have said that I need partner around a bit more than last time especially on the first day when I won't be able to move around. We have gone so far as to arrange for dd to go to respite for 3 days as she already attends 1 day a week and they are happy to help out. So they only need to drop her off in the morning then fetch her again at 1600 and have her until partner is ready to be collected. Well the crap I am getting. Apparently this is quite unreasonable and they can't see why he needs to be with me after the baby has been born, he should be coming home at 1600 with dd. I have now decided, partly because of the snide remarks that if baby decides to come earlier than planned section date I will attempt a vbac and that way I would be able to come home a lot sooner and wouldn't have to rely on them to much. Well now that makes me a cow too it would seem because mil texted the other day saying she needs to come over and discuss what will happen if I go in to early labour because 'they don't mind helping out but they must know what is happening'! That's fine I have no issues showing them anything they want to know but why the drama? Then this morning oh comes in from seeing them and tells me how mil told him that when she went in to labour with her second (he is one of 3) she just went to the hospital on her own and had him because fil needed to stay home and look after the eldest. I just can't help thinking this is another dig at me for wanting oh to be with me I have no family here and they all live too far to be able to just drop everything and come and be with me so it's oh or do it on my own.

It just feels like I can't do right for doing wrong and I am being made to feel really selfish and unreasonable. I feel like saying to them that if they don't want to look after dd then just say so, at least we'll know and can make other arrangements but they won't ever admit it because it would make them look bad.

There are lots of other issues as there always are in these situations. Fil was very emotionally abusive to oh growing up and it has left him with chronic anxiety issues which he is currently getting CBT for. But then they just keep piling more stress on him and it actually feels like they get some sort of perverse pleasure from it because we have told them repeatedly that he struggles with stress and yet the very next time he comes back from their house you can see they have been pecking at him again It is really getting to a point where I have had enough because I end up having to deal with the fallout. His anxiety can manifest itself in to some quite nasty outbursts which cause huge rows here. I am so over their controlling behaviour but they are his parents and whatever else is going on he loves them.

Urgh, anyway no real point to this I just needed to get it out before it gives me a nosebleed! If you got this far well done. Happy New Year lol xx

 

[RaspberryK]

Every time you mention anything about them it just gets worse and worse. I think your oh needs to have a word with them regarding their behaviour.
I have no advice, only sympathy!
Xx

 

[Monzter79]

No advice here either! But, I'm sorry to say that I can absolutely relate. Happy New Year to you too!

 

[maisie78]

Thank you. I spoke to him about it tonight and told him that our family resolution needs to be that we stick together and stop letting them bully him. I did say he should start confronting them but like he says, they either don't listen or his Dad will turn it around and make oh feel like he is the one in the wrong. He is more than capable of doing it because I have seen it. Also his dad is now 76 so I know it is always in the back of his mind that he might not have him around for too much longer and he doesn't want their last conversation to be an argument. Problem is it just makes him more poorly because he internalises all the stress and anxiety they cause him. I don't think there is an answer unfortunately x

 

[RaspberryK]

My dh hates conflict and wants to please his parents all the time, I have to be the bad guy if anything needs to be dealt with.
Xx

 

[maisie78]

That's how we are now finding it. We have been together for nearly 15 years though so really I don't have too many problems with that. His parents are sneaky though as they never say anything in front of me knowing I call them on it. They wait until he is on his own which I why I consider it to be bullying x

 

[RaspberryK]

That's devious! I've been with dh 10 years, I'm lucky that I'm close with them... but at the same time if anythings going to be said it'll probably be when I'm not there as they know what I'm like.
Your poor dh though, his dad could live 20 more years and he will continue to live in fear of rocking the boat just in case.
xx

 

[maisie78]

I know. I just don't know what to do

 

[SurpriseBub]

So sorry, Maisie. That sounds pretty shitty! Sadly, as the spouse I think it is hard to do all that much... It has to be your hubby who tells them where to go... And I think that can be tough after so many years of whatever family dynamics they have in place.

The only thing that I can think would help is sort of cutting them off. If you know they won't watch your dd, then I would just stop ever thinking they might. Basically, zero expectations would mean less disappointment! (Though it does sound like you are there already pretty much!!). Maybe you could talk to your hubby about reducing contact with them? Sounds like that might be helpful to him too. Maybe they might come around if they realize you guys won't pander to them? so sorry they are being a hindrance instead of a help in such a busy and important time for you both. Sadly, some people just seem unable to not be completely selfish!

 

[Surprised26]

The problem with anxiety is that him confronting them probably isn't ever going to happen. I'd honestly just try to take your oh and daughter with you when you go to the hospital and have him be in charge of child care, while you focus on your new arrival. Although I'm not sure of your situation so I'm not sure the likelihood of that scenario working out. I'd just fear that with their track record, relying on them during a high stress, urgent situation doesn't sound like it's going to work out. Something might "pop up" and then what will happen? :/

 

[nilllabean26]

Sorry about ur situation. I would've been upset at hubby coming home and telling u about what his mom did when she gave birth. Ur already stressed. Ur not his mom, so what about what u need? His mom didn't experience what u went through so she has no idea how u feel or how traumatized /lonely u are. I think he should speak up and defend u against this nonsense. How disrespectful for her to even bring that up. I know I'm all by myself away from fam and would be super sad if I was in the hospital by myself like that. I'm so sorry u have to deal with this and I hope things get better. Sorry if it seems like I'm bashing anyone Cuzco I don't mean to bash ur hubby. Hopefully u guys can express what u need and how u would like it to be done without making u feel less than. Gl

 

[d_b]

Oh that sucks. TBH I'd try to avoid having them help out at all as they sound unreliable and not people I'd want my kids to spend time with. Would the nurses help you out if you were on your own in hospital? Or can you afford a sitter?

 

[maisie78]

Thanks for your replies. The thing is that I know when the time comes they will step up and have her so I'm not worried that they will let us down I just get so fed up of them having to make everything such a drama and so stressful beforehand so that I can never just relax. I know if it was my parents they would just muck in. Yes dd would be out of routine but she is going to be anyway since I won't be here so really there is no point getting so stressed about it beforehand. I know I have made them sound just terrible but they aren't and that is part of the problem because if they were awful all the time I could just put my foot down and cut them off but sometimes they can be so nice and giving and then I just feel like the biggest bitch for whinging about them. Like I said, they are just full of contradictions and it makes keeping up with them very hard. You can never be quite sure if you are saying the right thing or if you have completely offended them. It's wearing to say the least.

 

[SurpriseBub]

Ahhhhh, family. How difficult it can be! I am glad that they seem to step up when you need it- like you say, just frustrating that it has to be a drama. If you know the birth stuff will be covered, I say try to focus on that and the happiness that is to come with a new bundle of joy

...here's hoping for a miraculous permanent change in their behavior!!