Looking for buddies with mental health problems to share my journey with..

[lupinerainbow]

Hey, I'm 20 and my husband is 22 we have been TTC for 3 1/2 years (since oct 2008). I suffer from schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorder, depression and varying other mental health issues, i now have the right care and medication and my condition is stable. Was just wondering if there is anyone out there in a similar position mental health wise?

PS. This thread was not started so that people can be prejudice against me or anyone else who suffers from mental illness, if you have nothing positive to add then please don't bother at all.



xxxxx

 

[ces2008]

Hi. I suffer from Major Depression Disorder and Major Anxiety Disorder. Both which causes me to become suicidal if im not careful. Im on Remeron and Seroquel and see a therapist every 2-3 weeks. I have been ttc for almost a year. I would love to be buddies!

 

[lupinerainbow]

I also have suicidal tendencies as well but not so much recently. I'm on Seroquel XL (800mg), Depakote (500mg 2xdaily) Clonazepan (1mg) Mirtazapine (45mg). I will start seeing a therapist some time in the next few weeks but i see my CPN every few weeks and the consultant psychiatrist every 4 weeks. Medication has made me stable and although its not ideal to try for a baby when on so much medication its going to be a while before i am ready to come off of it and if i have a baby (this journey is one of the reasons i have such bad depression) or get pregnant then they will decide what is best to do about the medication but my MH team know that we are trying and they are perfectly happy with it. Nice to meet you

xxxxx

 

[ces2008]

im glad to hear that your meds have helped you become stable. im also prescribed ativan as needed, but i try not to take it. ive been on many dif antidepressats, mostly for migraine prevention tho. my ttc journey majorly contributes to my depression too. end of jan was the last time i was hospitalized for suicidal ideation (sorry if i use medical terms at all, i work in nursing so sometimes i say things without thinking) jan was a combo of: ttc, money issues, losing my gma in july (2 days shy of 3 year anniversary of losing my gpa, her husband) my 18 year old cousin (whos like my sister) miscarried in nov, and jan 2 my dog (who was my baby) was poisoned and died. bad year! my depression began because of chronic abdominal pain (for the most part cleared up now) chronic migraines and insomnia. like you, when i finally get pregnant, its a "do the benefits of meds outweigh the risks" i go to the hospital before i attempt suicide. i have a history of self-harm, starting from age 13 (im now 25. i also have a history of stalking, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse from an ex boyfriend that started when i was 13. that combined with helping my parents raise my little bros who are now 9 and 11. idk how, but you could add me as a friend on here if you wanted to.

 

[ces2008]

when i got out of the hospital beginning of feb, my mom brought me up to the local humane society and paid for me to adopt a new puppy. she figured a dog would help with my depression and anxiety. man was she right! ace is a 1 year old golden retriever/yellow lab mix. he is def my lovable furbaby now! however, not a day goes by that i dont think of lucky and miss her. she suffered so much from the poison. seizure after seizure. my mom paid the vet bills so we could try to save her, but after like 18 hrs, we had to put her down. she was suffering so much.

 

[lupinerainbow]

I was last put in hospital at the beginning of January, due to the severity of my self harming and I starved myself for 19days. I have tried suicide 4 times in the last year but I am past that now, I am getting the help I need and I do not want to kill myself at all. Sorry to hear how rough your year was. My illnesses and self harm started when I was 12 years old and have also suffered from a lot of forms of abuse. Last July was the first time I was hospitalised due to an overdose and a psychotic episode. I am now no longer psychotic, which is a huge bonus. My mother died when I was 6 and I was sent to live with my grandparents who were very abusive. My father turned up when I was 17 but I don’t really have much to do with him because I can still remember him beating my mum, they were both drug and alcohol addicts. Will definitely add you as a friend. Aww so sorry to hear about lucky that must have been awful for you glad you found ace though its lovely having a furbaby I have got 4 dogs, Pickles (5 years Staff X Boxer), Jessie (3 years Staff X Whippet), Patch(1 year Victorian bulldog) and Harvey (15 months Neopolitan mastiff X Dogue de Bordeaux). I couldn’t live without any of them, they are all so lovely and definitely fill a hole in my heart I also own rabbits, owls and a hawk. I have been with my husband since we were 14 and 16 and his mum took me in 2 days after my 15th birthday (obviously I lived in his sisters room) due to my grandfather attacking me and social services getting involved. I am very close to my husbands family, they have been a huge support and they help me through everything, I couldn’t ask for better in-laws they are amazing I have a nephew called lewis who is 7 and niece called Jodie who is 6 (from my husbands brother) a nephew from my husbands sister called Dexter (1 year 4months) and a Niece called Josie from my cousin who is 6 months the only one I see a lot of is Dexter though, I am his godparent too Ooo.. sorry for the massive post oops .

xxxxx

 

[ces2008]

i dont mind long posts! My husband and I have been together since i was 15, so 10 years. been married for almost 4 years. hes def an amazing support for me! I have 2 nieces (abby 5 from my husbands sister and Sakari 8 months from my sister) and 7 nephews (Jakey 8 from husbands sister, Kael 6 , Merrik 5, Raef 3 1/2 all 3 from my sister, Walker 1 from husbands stepsister, Dakotah 8 months from husbands 14 yr old stepsister, Paxton 6 1/2 months from husbands stepsister). husband has 1 sister, 4 stepsisters and 3 stepbrothers. i have 1 sister and 2 brothers. my sister and husbands 14 yr old step sister got "accidentally" pregnant. drives me nuts that im trying so hard but theres was accidental.

 

[lupinerainbow]

It is definitely frustrating when people 'accidently' get pregnant when you have been trying for so long and want it so badly. I have been with my husband 5 1/2 years and married for 8 months. My husband has 1 brother (33) and 1 sister (25) and i have 1 brother(18) and a half brother (27) my dad forgot to tell me about until a few weeks ago, i have never met him. Blimey you have a large family around you, it must be nice how do you get on with your husbands family?

xxxxx

 

[ces2008]

i get along fairly well with his family. its touch and go with the his dad tho. they have never had a good relationship, but they r trying. yes, i love my family! his sister neice and nephew r in california, so we dont see them too much. but i adore his mom! that sux u havnt met ur half brother. idk what id do if thats happened to me.

 

[Armywife84]

:wave: Hey, Lup! I've seen you in TTC#1 and LTTC a bit. Sorry to see you still suffering from LTTC.

I'm very sorry to hear of both your pasts and mental health. Mine's no where near as big, but I was wondering if I could hang about as well?

Last year, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and borderline PTSD (slight social anxiety too). I have chosen to seek help through therapy and no medication. Not that I'm against it, I'm just afraid if I become pregnant while on it and a birth defect will present itself. Although I haven't been to therapy since moving. So my depression and anxiety have been taking over my life more than they should.

I have anxiety attacks somewhere as simple as the grocery market. Being faced with pregnant women or infants, toddlers trigger it. It's gotten to the point of where I would not leave my house for days, in fear of seeing procreation. Now that my other SIL is pregnant, I can't step foot in my in-laws house without breaking down. There's all kinds of pictures of their grandchildren everywhere in their home. Plus the constant talk of the LOs. I feel ashamed to be this IF outcast.

Years ago I used to be this social butterfly, now I can't seem to form friendships or connect with other people. Since dealing with infertility I have lost majority of my friends because they're all married and pregnant or TTC. I know that they'll get pregnant way before me, so I let the friendship go. Now I just keep to myself as much as I possible.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I have thoughts of suicide. It seems as if taking your life would be better than going through life filled with pain and sadness. I want to know when it gets better?

 

[lupinerainbow]

Ces- Glad to hear that I don't really know what to do either, it sounds like it was left up to his maternal grandparents to raise him too and he has had a really nice life as she has children around his age, i guess he already has his sisters and he is happy so i'm not sure i want to intrude, but it all depends on my brother really because he is usually the one who wants to find people i'm not really that fussed.

Armywife- Hey :wave: i have seen you around too Of course you can hang around, i think that TTC with mental health problems however big or small also makes TTC harder. I can totally relate to the way you feel about it.. i have 2 friends irl one is married, 37 and him and his wife don't want children and my other friend is a 24 year old and he is a complete commitment phobe so wont be getting anyone pregnant any time soon either. My SIL had to TTC for 2 years before getting pregnant but she is one of these 'we stopped trying and that month it just happened' people.. which drives me nuts if i'm honest I wish i knew when it gets better.. i really do.. i suppose it doesn't until you have that baby in your arms Have you thought of asking your doctor for some pregnancy friendly antidepressant it sounds like it might benefit you a bit. I know that its scary to take tablets (i refused at first) but honestly it is amazing how much one little tablet can give you the pick me up you need and as soon as you are feeling better you just get your doctor to wean you off them gradually. Just a suggestion though, i'm not a doctor and i know that you don't see you problems as serious but your anxiety could really be benefitted and maybe it would help get you back to the woman you used to be huge hugs

Hope your both going to stick around i think its good to have people who understand the way you are feeling.

AFM- Got my AF so i'm out again, come to terms with it now... onwards we plough, don't know how i'm feeling so positive about it already but i'm starting to like being mostly recovered (Was in a psychotic daze for most of the last 8 months) i just know that my mental health will be improved so much when i get pregnant/ have my baby. Also going to make sure i get my Day 21 bloods done this month again (keep forgetting to get them redone) and get DH to do his SA again then i can ring up and make a new appt with FS and get one step further on our journey to you both!

xxxxx

 

[ces2008]

i dont have many friends myself. its hard when people dont understand what you are going through. af got me today, so im out! really super depressed about it too. prob gonna have to reincrease my seroquel (my psych dr has me slowly tapering down at my pace, with the freedom to increase up to full dose if need be) getting botox in the morning for my migraines, so gotta run off to bed. talk to y'all later! ill post more tomorrow. nite!

 

[1eighty]

Atypical ultra-rapid cycling bipolar II with traits of borderline personality - wishing you girls all the best in your journeys (oh, and aside from the optical migraines, I bloody loved Depakote, lost so much weight on that it was unreal!).

I found that all I really needed to get through my worst days was a goal. One single thing to live for. I'd say to myself "right, you just need to make it another 3 months for X" and in the meantime something else would crop up that I had to stick around for. It sounds bad (it was bad), but promising myself I'd be there for that event or that person at that time, that is what kept me from dancing in rush hour traffic or hiding sharp things. My mum was an awesome support, she went above and beyond what any parent should have to cope with. I wasn't at all loveable and yet she loved me even more.

to all of you wonderful ladies, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

 

[ces2008]

quick question for y'all. i have a book call a restless mind: daily meditations for enhancing mental health. i could post the daily meditation everyday if you would like me to. if not i wont. just let me know! k. nite!

 

[lupinerainbow]

Ces- Looks like our cycles are quite close this month, hopefully we will get our bfp’s together Its definitely best to up your medication, prevention is better than cure. How did the botox go? Let me know if it works cause I suffer from migraines and my doctor was talking about botox and I just dismissed it.
1eighty- Thank you for posting It sounds like your mother is a lovely woman you are lucky to have her, its nice to hear that everyone has such a good support network. Thank you for your advice too, it sounds like a good coping strategy I will be sure to try it. Thank you for your kind words nice to see you have your bfp do you think that helped your mental health?
Ces- Yes, please do that sounds interesting
AFM- Didn’t cope with AF arriving as well as I thought I had and ended up at hospital till 6.30am due to cutting my arm, thankfully it wasn’t too bad so only needed gluing and I suppose I’m allowed a blip every now and then. Self harming is definitely the part I find hardest to leave behind although I have done well because the last time before that was 8th april (my 20th birthday). Saw my CPN today and it went well. How are you ladies doing? Mental health wise and baby making wise.
xxxxxxx

 

[ces2008]

"May 24: The Foundation of Our Life: Each moment we contribute to the foundation of our life. Our Higher Power has a plan for us for today, tomorrow, and the hourney ahead. All things will be revealed when we're ready and seek the needed guidance. We need only trust the process and be willing to do whatever work is necessary to continue our journey. Today, do I let my Higher Power add a new layer to the foundation of my life? Thought for the Day: There is a plan for me." botox is amazing. this is the second dose ive had. you get it every 12 week. it can take up to 2 weeks for it to kick in, but it does almost right away for me. i literally went approx 10.5 weeks with minimal migrianes. and when i did get one, it was nothing compaired to my normal migraines! i went 6 months having one a day straight! funny thing with migraines, they pretty much go hand in hand with depression. ive had migraines since i was like 10, but only got them diagnosed when i was 14. so technically ive had them 15 years, but diagnosed 11. literaly EVERY single med they use as migraine prevention has been used on me, and doesnt work anymore. i was hesitant to do the botox but it was that or nothing. def a last resort but im glad i did it! im now off my neurontin and tapering my bp med so i can get off that too. so once thats done, i wont be on any prevention, other then the botox.

 

[Armywife84]

Ces- I want botox!! For wrinkles, really. I had a bit too much of the sunning bed in my late teens to early 20s. Now, I can't get into spray tanning; that garb will clog my pores.

How is the zero friends working for you? I struggle with it. It would be nice to have more friends, but I just can't connect with fertile people. In order to protect my sanity, I just keep people at arm's length.

Lup- Thank you for the information. Sometimes I believe I can deal with the depression and anxiety on my own. In reality, I cannot deal and need to come to terms with further assistance.

How do you muster up the ability to self harm? Is it a release? I would make a mess and couldn't deal with people nagging me about the marks. DH would also be furious. He's threatened to lock me up if I attempt suicide. I've tried twice (once in my adolescent stage, another last year) and failed both times. I'm that pathetic I can't even off myself.

For me AF is due Monday or Sunday. Either way I'm sure she's coming. I have absolutely no hope these days.

 

[ces2008]

its good you didnt kill yourself. you have something to offer this world, even if you dont iknow what it is yet! it hard not having friends. luckily i do have family. ive been locked up 4 times: in may 2010 for overdosing on meds, april 2011 august 2011 and jan 2012 for feeling suicidal. i vote get on some meds. they do help. i tried not being on meds, but ive accepted that i need them. i dont want to kill myself, and my meds (for the most part) help me stay alive. that any my therapist mark. i actually go see him tomorrow! please go see a dr. now that i know you, i def would miss you if you were gone. please get help before its too late. obviously your dh cares too. get help for you, him and your future babies. the longer you wait to get help, the harder it is later on!

 

[ces2008]

"May 25: We Have Come a Long Way: When we look back at our first days, weeks, and months of recovery, we can see that we have come a olong way. We went from a state of hopelessness to a life of hope. From imprisonment by our illness to freedom of mind, body and spirit. From a devoid of dreams to a place where dreams are not only imaginable but attainable. From a place o selfhatred to a place of self-acceptance and love. Let us acknowledge the work we have accomplished and express gratitude for the gifts we have been given. Today, do I realize and appreciate how much I have accomplished with the guidance of my Higher Power? Thought for the Day: Step by step, one day at a time, I have what it takes to continue my journey."

 

[lupinerainbow]

Armywife- Erm, its definitely not something you want to do. It is just my way of coping I guess, some people cry, some people shout, some suffer in silence and I cut myself. It all started when I was 12 my voices used to tell me what to do and I used to think that they were the ones helping me and the people who were trying to help me were the bad people. I stopped between the ages of 14 and 18 but then I got psychotic again (I had had minor phases throughout that time but I could cope with it pretty well) and I had a major episode in july last year where I tried to kill myself and then got sectioned I have tried twice more since then and 6 times between the ages of 12-14 so I’m definitely a failure at everything. The most recent self harming was due to me having scars and the sun being out and having to wear long sleeves, it made sense to cut them at the time but now I realise that was the least constructive thing I could have done to help. I hope you get a surprise bfp but if you don’t you know where we are and we can help you through it
Ces- Very wise words and thanks for posting these things they are really good for trying to have positive mental attitude and genuinely helping me get through the day.
AFM- Not a lot to report really, been put onto more quetiapine, more Depakote and got to change my daily routine.

xxxxx