Looking for some advice. Not sure where else to seek it.

[cskme_]

DH doesn't know that my mother knows I am pregnant. He doesn't think I am telling her until the end of first tri. I moved across the country to be with him just over a year ago (I am only 22 years old), and we fight more than most people. He's not completely awful but he does have a lot of controlling/verbally abusive tendencies. We have been fighting a lot lately and my mother wants me to come back to live with her and be with my family as I have absolutely no one here except for him. I was told that I should have the baby back home because then he can't force me to keep the baby in this province. (If i have the baby in this province, it is his right to say that the baby needs to stay here). My mother is willing to help us out with a house and everything but we both will have a hard time getting work back home, we both have great jobs where we are. Does anyone have any advice? What would you do?

 

[Holliems]

If you were my daughter, I'd be giving you the same advice for the same reasons. Once you have that baby, it'll be hard to leave him. Trust me, if he continues to treat you this way, you'll reach your breaking point. I've been there.

 

[Isme]

I agree with your mother. Get out now. If you wait, you will be stuck forever. Even if you're not sure what you want to do, I would go home and think on it in a safe location where you will have support until the baby is born. Best of luck to you.

 

[ElmoBumpToBe]

I have been in your situation although I was younger than you at the time, it's not likely to get any better Hun and if you are lucky enough to have such support from your mum I would take it. It's a hard situation to be in but I'm sure you will find work and by the sounds of it until you did you would have help from your family. Go back home now would be my advice chick, take care xx

 

[minties]

I would also advise you to take your mum up on her offer.

 

[Jessicahide]

If i were your mum, i would be making it as easy as possible for you to leave him... I would take your mum up on her offer but leave him behind, he sounds horrible and i don't think for a second he will change when baby gets here xxxxx

 

[smileyfaces]

Is she offering to move just you or move both of you? Personally I would be looking to move back without him. If your mum is able to help and support you till you find a job then that would be great. It sounds like a volatile relationship and it won't get any better. Get out while you can x

 

[Daisy29]

Be brave x

 

[clairelouise.]

I'd definitely get out now. It doesn't sound like the kind of nurturing relationship you deserve if he is being controlling or verbally abusive, I agree with Jessicahide when she said that she doesn't think for a second he will change once baby has arrived.

Get yourself & baby out of there, leave him behind & look forward to the life you will have without that negativity! Good luck xx

 

[Larkspur]

Agree with the others. The first year after a baby arrives brings huge challenges. Even very happy and loving couples fight, feel stressed and learn unpleasant things about the other person.

If your partner is already controlling/verbally abusive and your relationship is under stress, believe me, it will get a lot worse once baby is here. Take your mother up on the offer.

 

[cskme_]

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. It is so heartbreaking to have to go through this and make such tough decisions. I have been with him for 7 years now and I have left him and gone back once already. He has made many changes to be a better person but along with those changes has picked up other bad behaviors and attitudes. Sometimes I feel like I am being too emotional and maybe that he's not so bad, but I have to try to stop thinking that way. *Sighhh*

 

[Natasha2605]

I agree with your mum. If the situation is as bleak as you describe then you need to do it for you and baby. You need support and stability and a calm enviroment and it doesn't sound like this is the best place to get it

 

[maryanne1987]

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. It is so heartbreaking to have to go through this and make such tough decisions. I have been with him for 7 years now and I have left him and gone back once already. He has made many changes to be a better person but along with those changes has picked up other bad behaviors and attitudes. Sometimes I feel like I am being too emotional and maybe that he's not so bad, but I have to try to stop thinking that way. *Sighhh*

A manipulative person will always make you feel as if you are to blame. If you look at studies where there is abuse in a relationship be it verbal or physical is usually gets worse through pregnancy and once baby arrives. If you have a way out Id take it before it's too late to do anything about it.

 

[Holliems]

I agree with Maryanne. It won't get better. You think he manipulates and hurts you now. Wait until he has that baby to use to hurt you and manipulate you. If you have no support, it's much harder to leave with a baby. Your mom suggested what she did because she's seen things and knows what's best.

 

[KatO79]

I agree with everyone here, it's best to leave him now. Abusive people almost never change, especially if they have certain personality disorders (like Narcissistic Personality Disorder = NPD), sad but true. You are doing neither yourself or your baby any favors by staying with him.

I unfortunately have toxic, abusive people in my family that are highly emotionally and mentally abusive (especially 2 of my siblings but my mother is also very toxic). I highly suspect they all have NPD. They blame me for all the problems and never, ever take responsibility for their words and actions. They just tell me I'm the toxic one and "too sensitive" and have at this point completely ostracised me, all because I have politely but firmly asked them on a few occasions to stop with the put downs and treat me with some respect. Toxic people will also sometimes project so they tell you that you're all that they are. It's truely damaging and can destroy you. Please don't blame yourself for any of it, I'm sure that's what he's been leading you to believe.

The best thing you can do with people like this is walk away. I'd try to keep contact as low as possible since no contact isn't an option now that you'll have a child with him. Look into "non-defensive communication", it can be very helpful when talking to toxics. Also avoid JADEing in the furture (Justify, Arguing, Defend, Explain) since you're just engaging them and that's what they want.

I wish you and your baby all the best

 

[cskme_]

The hardest part about it is that I know he would be a great father. Everyone loves him and he is a great person to everyone else. He has no family as they have all passed away. His mom and dad passed when he was young. I feel like I would be taking his only family away from him. I'm hoping we can work something out (before I have the baby) that maybe he can move back home. (He's from the same province that my family lives in). I feel like I would be completely destroying him to take away his only blood family that he has left.

 

[maryanne1987]

The hardest part about it is that I know he would be a great father. Everyone loves him and he is a great person to everyone else. He has no family as they have all passed away. His mom and dad passed when he was young. I feel like I would be taking his only family away from him. I'm hoping we can work something out (before I have the baby) that maybe he can move back home. (He's from the same province that my family lives in). I feel like I would be completely destroying him to take away his only blood family that he has left.

How do you know he would be a great father? Surely if he is verbally aggressive to you then personally I would have concerns about how he will act around a small defenseless baby who will on occasions push you to your absolute limits? I would at least want him to seek help before I would allow him around a child. that's just my opinion though.

 

[cskme_]

The hardest part about it is that I know he would be a great father. Everyone loves him and he is a great person to everyone else. He has no family as they have all passed away. His mom and dad passed when he was young. I feel like I would be taking his only family away from him. I'm hoping we can work something out (before I have the baby) that maybe he can move back home. (He's from the same province that my family lives in). I feel like I would be completely destroying him to take away his only blood family that he has left.

How do you know he would be a great father? Surely if he is verbally aggressive to you then personally I would have concerns about how he will act around a small defenseless baby who will on occasions push you to your absolute limits? I would at least want him to seek help before I would allow him around a child. that's just my opinion though.

You're absolutely right. I think I kind of need to find out my custody rights and all of those things as well. I'm trying to see the situation from all angles. I don't mean to sound naïve but I want a way for it to work out for everyone.

 

[Tweeks]

In all honesty the only person who this has got to work out for is your child. If he's abusive to you, that is not okay and don't delude yourself into believing that he'll change or he won't treat your child that way. Sleep deprivation does things to even the stablest of couples, I reckon when that baby arrives and needs your every waking moment, he won't take to kindly to it. Make the decision for you, not for him. He's a grown man and if he wants to be in his child's life then he can move your way. It sounds like you've done the majority of the moving in the 7 years you've been together. Take care of yourself and move back with your mum so that you can have a stress free and safe pregnancy. No one has the right to put you down, criticise you and manipulate you.

*hug*

 

[Jkelmum]

Look up narcissistic because this kind of abuse gets worse. Please get out while you have a chance